THE  UNDER 

PUP  •  Bein^  a  Series 
of  Talks  bi^Ml  Sijkes 
Le  Claire  -'The  Bum- 
To  His  Do£  Mike  { •  • 


Bu  BILL  HIMSELF 


m 


< 

IRVINE, 


THE  UNDER  PUP, 

FOR 

People  Who  Think. 


A  Twentieth  Century 
Live  Wire. 


Being  a  Series  of  Talks  by  Bill  Sykes  LeClaire — 
The  Bum— To  His  Dog  Mike. 


Cynicism,  Philosophy  and  Common  Horse  Sense. 


BY    BILL    HIMSELF. 


MX 


83 


COPYRIGHTED,  1912 

BY 

S.  H.  BASHOR. 


HAMMOND    PRESS 

m.  B.  CONKET  COMPANY 

CHICAGO 


Dedication 


THESE  TALKS  ARE  DEDICATED  TO 

Aifte 

BECAUSE  HE  IS  THE  BEST  DOG.      AND  TO  THE  HONEST, 
BIG    HEARTED,    INDUSTRIOUS,    PATRIOTIC,    AMBI- 
TIOUS, EVERYDAY    MAN,    BECAUSE,  IN   THIS 
COUNTRY,   HE    IS    THE    WHOLE    CHEESE 

BILL 


PREFACE 

TWO  friends  were  standing  at  the  writing 
desk  in  the  lobby  of  the  post  office  in  Den- 
ver. One  was  addressing  a  letter.  Turn- 
ing to  the  other,  he  inquired,  "George,  how  in 
Sam  Hill  do  you  spell  Albuquerque?"  George 
replied,  "A-1-b-i-c-u-r-k-y."  "That  is  no  way  to 
spell  it,"  was  the  quick  rejoinder.  "Maybe  not," 
said  George,  "but  spell  it  that  way,  just  the  same, 
seal,  stamp  and  drop  it  in  the  box  and  it  will 
reach  its  destination  all  right  for  no  man  who 
reads  English  could  pronounce  it  any  thing  else 
without  warping  his  jaw. 

Now,  these  Talks  were  to  Mike,  an  intelligent, 
high  class  dog.  He  understood  them.  They 
have  been  carefully  revised  so  that  you  can 
understand  them. 

Nothing  further  need  be  said,  except  that 
neither  Mike  nor  I  vote  the  Socialist  ticket.  We 
have  met  Socialism  in  the  middle  of  the  road, 
been  introduced  to  it,  studied  it,  thoroughly  un- 
derstand it,  and  the  only  earthly  use  we  have 
for  it  is  to  tell  the  truth  about  it. 

BILL. 


FOREWORD 

THIS  book  is  not  sent  out  as  a  classic.    It 
was  not  written  to  enlist  the  eulogies  of 
the  profound  scholar,  nor  to  call  out  the 
ecstatic  plaudits  of  the  high-geared  critic.    Were 
that  true,  it  would  not  accomplish  the  purpose 
for  which  it  was  written.    To  be  perfectly  frank, 
it  is  a  bum  book  on  a  bum  subject.  It  is  a  re- 
peater with  malice  aforethought  from  end  to 
end;  and  the  author  frankly  announces  himself 
as  fully  able  to  defend  it. 

Socialism,  as  taught  by  its  founder,  is  against 
everything  that  human  experience  has  found  es- 
sential in  the  development  of  civilization — every 
institution  that  the  experience  of  the  ages  has 
determined  as  elemental  in  maintaining  a  society 
fit  for  decent  men  to  live  in — everything  from  a 
government  of  law  and  order  to  a  monogamic 
family  as  the  basic  unit  of  society,  and  an  altar 
of  worship  as  essential  to  the  satisfying  of  the 
longings  of  the  human  soul.  And  every  apostle 
of  his  crack-brained  theory,  from  its  first  an- 
nouncement till  to-day  is  a  poll  parrot  on  exactly 
the  same  line.  He,  the  author,  said  the  existing 
order  should  be  destroyed;  that  the  prevailing 

9 


10  THE    UNDER   PUP 

system  of  economics — and  all  that  supports  it — 
the  state,  the  family,  the  church,  should  be  up- 
rooted, and  dumped  into  the  waste  heap.  He 
taught  every  sentence  of  it  as  essential  socialis- 
tic philosophy.  Engles  did  the  same,  Bax,  Be- 
bel,  Ferri,  Guesde,  Quetch,  Leibknecht,  Morris, 
Spargo,  Vandervelde,  and  on  down  to  George  D. 
Herron,  continued,  and  continue,  to  teach  the 
whole  thing,  hair,  hide,  bone  and  sinew,  as  scien- 
tific Socialism — as  the  fundamental  elements  of 
socialistic  philosophy.  If  you  were  to  burn  all 
they  have  written  elucidating,  and  emphasizing 
these  particular  phases  of  the  subject — (and  it 
would  be  a  mighty  decent  thing  in  you  to  do 
it) — there  would  not  be  enough  of  "scientific 
socialism"  left,  with  which  to  snuff  a  candle. 

When  any  Socialist  pops  up  and  tells  you  that 
Socialism  is  not  against  the  state,  with  every  law 
on  its  statute  books,  the  family  with  every  pro- 
tective restriction  thrown  around  it,  the  church 
with  every  doctrine  it  teaches,  and  means  to  ulti- 
mately wipe  them  off  of  the  map  in  order  to 
make  room  for  a  "commonwealth,"  without  laws 
over  men,  religion  or  a  family,  he  is,  so  far  as 
authoritative  socialism  is  concerned,  a  wind- jam- 
ming ignoramus,  or  a  bald  headed  prevaricator. 
He  either  has  not  studied  socialistic  principles  as 
elucidated  by  every  man  of  authority  and  mould- 


THE    UNDER    PUP  11 

ing  influence  in  Socialist  ranks,  or  could  not  com- 
prehend them  if  he  did. 

If  I  had  quoted  all  Socialist  standard  authors 
say,  against  the  government,  against  the  family, 
against  religion,  and  in  favor  of  free  love  and 
materialism,  I  would  not  have  had  extra  room 
enough  between  the  covers  of  this  book  to  have 
said  "scat;"  nor  if  that  had  been  done,  would 
there  be  left  unnoticed  a  single  principle  of  dis- 
tinctive socialistic  philosophy  of  sufficient  weight 
to  demand  serious  attention.  These  are  the  very 
things  that  make  Socialism,  Socialism. 

Of  all  the  villainous  dope  ever  put  in  print, 
the  writings  of  Engles,  Bax  and  Spargo,  with 
the  blasphemous  fulminations  of  George  D. 
Herron,  against  religion  "cap  the  stack."  For 
pure,  irreverent,  salacious  balder-dash,  it  chal- 
lenges to  mortal  combat  all  the  literary  slop  of 
the  ages.  And  their  writings  are  not  put  out  as 
the  personal  opinion  of  the  authors,  but  as  ex- 
plaining and  emphasizing  the  true  spirit  and 
genius  of  scientific  international  revolutionary 
Socialism.  So,  I  have  repeated,  and  repeated, 
and  re-repeated,  these  socialistic  doctrines,  rung 
the  changes  on  them,  in  season  and  out  of  sea- 
son, till  the  man  who  reads  this  book,  even  half 
way  through,  cannot  possibly  run  off  and  forget. 
Many  men  will  forget  a  thing  until  it  is  shot  at 


12  THE    UNDER   PUP 

them  so  often  that  every  time  they  come  in  sight 
of  it  they  instinctively  have  to  dodge.  I  meant 
to  drive  the  nail  clean  to  the  quick. 

For  the  thousands  of  Socialists  who  have  been 
voting  the  ticket,  simply  as  a  matter  of  protest 
against  the  crookedness  and  corruption  of  the  "old 
party"  politicians ;  or,  who,  without  studying  So- 
cialism fully  and  critically — and  who,  as  a  matter 
of  fact,  do  not  know  that  Socialism  cannot  be  es- 
tablished without  tearing  down  all  of  church, 
family  and  state,  as  Marx,  Herron  and  confreres 
say  it  must,  this  book  was  conceived  and  written. 
To  the  unsettled  and  uninformed,  who  do  not 
know  that  Socialism  is  atheistic,  materialistic,  free 
love,  and  emphatically  against  all  repressive  laws 
over  men,  and  who  take  it  for  what  its  "class  con- 
scious" crowd  cunningly  assert  it  to  be — a  con- 
stitutional political  party,  seeking  only  to  right 
the  wrongs  of  the  day  and  reinstate  honesty  and 
patriotism  in  public  office, — this  book  is  sent  on 
its  mission  of  warning  and  education.  It  was 
written  purposely  in  a  way  they  can  understand, 
and  in  a  style  that  will  keep  them  from  forget- 
ting its  message.  If,  after  reading  it,  men  are 
not  convinced,  then  I  would  urge  them  to  get 
the  Socialist  standard  authors  and  read  them. 
If  they  will  do  that,  and  are  honest  and  patri- 
otic, love  their  families  and  fear  God,  so  far  as 


THE    UNDER    PUP  13 

they  are  concerned,  Socialism  will  be  a  dead  duck. 
I  have  nothing  to  say  to  the  "class  conscious" 
Socialist.  In  a  free  country  like  this,  where  a 
rail  splitter,  a  canal  boy  and  a  tanner,  can  reach 
the  highest  office  in  the  gift  of  the  people ;  where 
the  captains  of  industry  and  the  great  mass  of 
efficient,  high  salaried  and  expert  managers  of 
public  utilities,  have  come  up  from  the  cabin  and 
the  cottage;  and  where  there  never  was  a  time 
when  the  door  was  open  as  wide,  and  the  call  as 
loud,  for  ambitious,  willing,  industrious  men  as 
now  the  "class  conscious"  Rube  is  as  much  out 
of  place  as  a  gin  mill  in  a  town  of  total  ab- 
stainers. 

For  that  class  there  are  a  few  suggestive  ques- 
tions. Don't  answer  them,  gentlemen,  right  off 
the  reel.  Think  a  little  first,  and  think  with  your 
minds. 

Two  boys  were  born  of  the  same  parents, 
raised  on  the  same  farm,  educated  in  the  same 
school,  equally  taught  the  science  of  farming  and 
stock-raising.  Twenty  years  ago,  each  fell  heir 
to  one  hundred  and  sixty  acres  of  Iowa  land. 
The  road  separated  the  two  farms.  They  were 
of  equal  fertility  and  equally  well  improved. 
The  father  stocked  each  farm  with  an  equal  num- 
ber of  high  grade  animals,  and  with  all  necessary 
tools  for  first-class  farming.  To-day,  George  has 


14  THE    UNDER    PUP 

one  of  the  most  highly  developed  farms  in  his 
county.  The  soil  is  even  richer  now,  than  it  was 
twenty  years  ago.  Everything  about  the  place 
is  strictly  first-class.  George  is  known  to  be 
both  prosperous  and  contented  with  various  out- 
side interests.  Tom's  farm  has  run  down  for  all 
of  the  twenty  years.  The  soil  is  thin,  the  stock  is 
not  of  the  highest  grade,  and  is  poorly  sheltered 
and  poorly  fed.  It  is  said  there  is  a  mortgage 
on  the  land.  Tom  is  a  kicker  and  a  knocker.  He 
blames  the  times,  the  country,  capitalism  and 
crooked  politics  for  his  condition,  is  class  con- 
scious and  votes  the  Socialist  ticket.  Now  where 
is  the  trouble?  What  is  to  blame  for  the  differ- 
ent condition  of  the  two  men,  their  farms,  their 
stock,  their  bank  account?  Would  Socialism 
have  helped  Tom?  Or  was  it  something  inherent 
in  him  that  kept  him  down?  Where  is  the 
"nigger  in  the  wood  pile?" 

Two  boys  of  the  same  age  went  to  work  in  a 
store  as  salesmen.  In  a  few  years  George  was 
advanced  to  the  head  of  a  department,  then 
later,  was  made  buyer,  and  still  later,  became 
junior  partner.  To-day,  he  is  head  of  the  firm. 
Frank  is  still  only  a  clerk.  Why  this  difference? 
Who,  or  what,  is  to  blame? 

Two  boys  went  to  work  on  a  railroad  twenty- 
five  years  ago  as  section  hands.  One  of  them 


THE    UNDER    PUP  15 

is  to-day  general  superintendent  of  the  system. 
The  other  is  back  in  the  town  where  he  was  born, 
janitor  of  the  public  school  building,  cussing  eco- 
nomic conditions  and  voting  the  Socialist  ticket. 
What  is  the  secret  of  the  difference  in  the  con- 
dition of  the  two  men?  Where  was  the  screw 
loose  ? 

Two  poor  boys  started  up  a  peanut-stand  and 
a  "shine  parlor."  One  of  them  is  to-day  owner 
of  a  prosperous  factory  in  the  suburbs  of  the 
town.  The  other  has  a  little  third-rate  notion 
store  around  the  corner.  Why  did  things  turn 
out  that  way? 

Two  boys  started  in  to  learn  the  carpenter 
trade.  To-day  one  of  them  is  a  large  prosper- 
ous contractor.  The  other  one  is  still  working 
at  so  much  per  day.  Why  this  difference  in  the 
outcome?  Where  was  the  rub?  In  economic 
conditions,  or  in  the  mettle  of  the  two  men? 

Two  boys  went  west,  each  with  $1000  capital. 
That  was  thirty  years  ago.  To-day  one  of  them 
is  a  merchant  prince,  employing  over  two  hun- 
dred clerks.  The  $10,000-a-year  manager  of 
his  entire  establishment  worked  as  a  clerk  twelve 
years  ago  at  $18  per  week.  The  other  man  was, 
last  year,  floor  walker  in  the  dry  goods  depart- 
ment of  his  old  friend's  store.  What  is  the  secret 
of  the  difference? 


16  THE    UNDER    PUP 

Now,  when  the  "class  conscious"  Socialist 
solves  these  problems  and  does  it  sensibly  and 
correctly  he  will  have  solved  about  all  the  eco- 
nomic ills  of  to-day.  That  done,  if  he  is  the 
sensible  American  he  ought  to  be,  he  will  stop 
growling  and  croaking  and  go  to  work.  He  will 
stop  blaming  "capitalism"  if  he  is  not  climbing 
up  in  the  world,  and  will  begin  to  comprehend 
that  the  major  portion  of  his  trouble  is  in  him- 
self. There  always  have  been  inequalities  among 
men,  and  there  always  will  be.  As  long  as  all 
men  have  not  the  same  brain  power,  the  same 
ambition,  and  the  same  amount  of  physical  en- 
ergy, there  will  be  inequalities  for  which  no  sys- 
tem of  economics,  that  is  not  based  on  pure 
sophistry,  can  offer  any  sort  of  equalizing  solu- 
tion. 

The  German,  the  Scandinavian  and  other 
northern  and  western  Europeans  come  to  Amer- 
ica as  poor  as  "church  mice."  They  live  here 
ten  to  twenty  years,  and  are,  at  the  end  of  that 
time,  among  our  most  prosperous  and  loyal 
farmers,  merchants  and  artisans.  The  country 
is  full  of  others,  with  the  same  opportunities 
staring  them  in  the  face,  and  the  same  hand  of 
fortune  beckoning  them  on.  But  they  are  as 
poor  now  as  they  were  twenty  years  ago — many 
of  them  even  closer  to  the  ragged  edge,  Mr. 


THE    UNDER    PUP  17 

"class  conscious"  Socialist,  the  difference  is  in 
the  quality  and  character  of  the  men  and  not  in 
the  times,  want  of  opportunity,  nor  in  unequal 
economic  conditions. 

I  know  this  for  a  hard,  solid  fact,  and  if  you 
will  think  with  your  brains  instead  of  with  your 
heels  you  will  know  it  as  well  as  I. 

This  book  is  sent  out  to  the  average  man,  to 
help  him  see  that  our  personal  condition  is  more 
the  result  of  natural  causes  than  of  victimizing 
economic  conditions, — to  stimulate  him  to  the 
point  where  he  will  see  that  he  can  also  be  some- 
body if  he  will  shake  off  his  lethargy,  take  some- 
thing for  his  liver,  and  launch  out  for  individual 
success.  There  is  success  ahead  for  every  man. 
If  he  will  keep  in  the  middle  of  the  road  and  not 
sit  down  too  often  to  rest,  he  will  run  it  down  in 
the  end.  Let  the  simple  fact — that  what  you  will 
be  in  fortune  in  fifteen  years  from  to-day  de- 
pends on  what  you  do,  how  you  live,  and  what 
you  are  between  times — let  that  homely  truth 
"stick  to  the  ribs,"  and  you  will  begin  to  depend 
on  yourself  as  to  where,  in  the  world  of  fortune, 
you  finally  land. 

When  Mike  and  I  wanted  quail  for  supper, 
we  always  got  it.  We  just  kept  on  hunting  till 
we  found  it.  Often  it  was  a  long,  hard  hunt, 
but  when  we  got  it,  it  tasted  the  better  for  the 


18  THE    UNDER   PUP 

extra  exertion  to  which  we  were  put;  didn't  it, 
old  man?  The  only  way  you  can  get  rich  quick 
is  to  do  big  things  or  rob  somebody.  Fortune, 
like  genius,  comes  at  the  end  of  a  long  road  of 
self  sacrifice  and  hard,  incessant  work.  Lie  idle 
and  growl,  and  you  will  lose;  work,  sing,  save, 
and  you  will  win. 

BILL. 


JUST  we  two.  Mike  and  I.  Man  and  dog. 
Companions,  chums,  partners. 

Breed:  Anglo-American,  Aredale  Scotch 
terrier. 

Age:  In  the  prime  of  manhood,  and — dog- 
hood. 

Nativity:    Mississippi  Valley,  U.  S.  A. 

Education:  Thirty-third  degree  post-gradu- 
ates from  the  school  of  experience. 

Occupation:  Travelers — bread  winners,  un- 
classified. 

Politics:    Ishmaelites. 

Religion:    Orthodox;  eclectic. 

Condition:  Mostly  hungry.  Man,  ragged; 
dog  well  dressed.  Poor  now — millionaires  in 
prospect. 

Character:  Man,  from  the  man  standpoint, 
questionable.  Dog,  from  the  dog  standpoint, 
perfect. 

If  there  ever  was  a  perfect  pup,  Mike  you're 
it;  you  are  all  silk  and  twenty-four  inches  wide. 
We  have  globe-trotted  together  day  in  and  day 

19 


20  THE    UNDER   PUP 

out,  weeks,  months,  years.  We  have  been  wet, 
cold,  half-starved,  run  over,  knocked  down, 
dragged  out,  shot  at,  too  well-fed,  comfortable 
and  a  paradise  of  plenty.  Through  it  all  you 
have  been  the  same  happy-go-lucky,  high- 
minded,  exemplary,  classy,  contented  dog  you 
were  when  we  first  met.  You  didn't  know  it, 
Mike,  but  through  it  all  I  have  studied  you  and 
read  you  like  a  book,  and  that  has  made  me 
study  myself.  And,  from  every  comparative 
moral  standpoint,  you  are  the  better  of  the  two. 
Your  standard  of  morals  are  sky  high  by  the 
side  of  mine.  You  live  yours.  I  take  most  of 
mine  out  in  resolving  and  thinking. 

You  despise  liquor  and  you  never  get  drunk. 
They  tried  to  pour  it  down  your  throat  once, 
and  you  scared  the  scamps  that  did  it  into  a  com- 
plexion like  milk.  You  have  never  gotten  into 
the  ditch  except  after  me.  You  have  never  gone 
back  on  a  friend.  You  have  never  acted  a  lie — 
never.  You  have  never  abused,  or  bullied,  or 
jumped  on  a  small  dog;  and  you  have  literally 
wiped  the  earth  with  bigger  dogs  than  you  that 
did.  You  have  always  been  on  the  side  of  the 
weak.  You  never  took,  nor  tried  to  take,  from 
others  when  you  had  plenty  for  yourself.  You 
have  never  refused  to  help  others  when  you,  in 
any  way,  could  understand  how  it  could  be  done. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  21 

You  never,  in  all  our  long  friendship,  mistreated 
me,  while  you  know  I've  often  mistreated  you. 
I've  scolded  and  yelled,  and  kicked,  and  struck 
at  you.  You  never  even  growled  back  at  me. 
You  have  seen  anger  and  vengeance  in  my  eyes. 
I've  seen  only  kindness,  good-will,  love  or  fear  in 
yours.  I've  sworn  and  struck  at  men  who  abused 
you.  And  you  have  literally  chawed  up  dogs 
that  jumped  on  me.  I'm  even  with  you  there 
for  once,  old  chap.  Man  invariably  argues  that 
in  every  good  quality  he  is  superior  to  his  dog, 
but  in  all  cases  I  have  noticed  that  the  evidence 
is  of  that  ignus  fatuus  quality  known  among 
physicians  as  absent  treatment. 

We  have  had  some  gloriously  bully  good  fights 
for  each  other — makes  the  blood  run  warm  to 
even  think  about  it — especially  about  the  times 
when  we  came  out  on  top.  I  got  pounded  up 
proper  a  time  or  two,  but  you,  you  concentrated 
bunch  of  courage,  and  chain  lightning  in  ac- 
tion, you  never  came  within  a  thousand  miles  of 
getting  licked  even  once.  There,  you  are  ahead 
of  me  again,  old  man.  You  never  picked  a 
quarrel  with  man  or  dog.  I've  done  both.  You 
score  again.  That  time  I  was  sick  with  fever, 
you  stuck  by  me  like  a  brother;  you  tried,  in 
your  dumb  dog  way,  to  comfort  and  encourage 
me.  They  said  when  I  was  unconscious  and  be- 


22  THE    UNDER    PUP 

yond  speaking  to  you,  that  you  hung  around  the 
door,  half  sick  yourself,  and  refused  to  drink  or 
eat.  I  actually  believe  that,  had  I  mounted  the 
sunbeam  stairway,  you  would  have  kept  mid- 
night vigil  over  my  grave  till  starvation  set 
you  free.  I'd  have  been  around  in  spirit  and 
called,  and  I  know  you'd  have  answered  back. 
Some  people  think  there  is  no  future  life  or  con- 
scious heaven  for  dogs,  Mike,  but  they  don't 
know.  They  never  studied  dogology.  But  you 
know,  and  I  know,  don't  we,  old  man?  We  sure 
do. 

Love  never  dies,  you  have  a  mountain  of  that 
commodity  to  give  away.  Faithfulness,  fidelity, 
never  die.  That's  you  double  name,  Mike.  Truth 
never  dies ;  you  are  supersensitive  on  that  virtue. 
Joy,  gladness,  good  will,  a  gracious  spirit  never 
die.  All  are  expressed  in  the  one  word,  Mike. 
Charity,  justice,  abounding  confidence;  every 
one  of  them  will  be  in  heaven.  That  fixes  your 
title  clear,  government  sealed,  divinely  war- 
ranted, individually  delivered;  you  bet. 

As  an  all  around  dog,  Mike,  you  are  a  star. 
You  pulled  me  out  of  the  river  when  I  was 
drowning.  You  guided  my  drunken  footsteps 
out  of  the  ditch,  and  freezing  cold,  into  warmth 
and  comfort,  again  and  again.  You  stood  by 
me  when  wife  and  family  and,  even  father,  for- 


THE    UNDER    PUP  23 

sook  me.  And  if  there  are  bread  and  meat,  and 
a  warm  place  to  sleep,  and  any  sort  of  a  heaven, 
or  any  other  good  thing  for  dogs,  I'll  work  day 
and  night  to  see  that  you  get  them  one  and  all. 
Down  where  I  worked  last  summer,  they  did 
not  want  me  at  first,  because  you  were  along. 
Then,  little  by  little,  they  came  to  know  your 
real  worth  as  I  know  it.  When  we  were  ready  to 
leave  they  wanted  to  keep  you  for  good.  Tried 
to  buy  you,  Mike;  said  you  were  too  high-class 
to  be  owned  by  a  tramp — offered  me  one  hun- 
dred dollars  for  you.  One  Hundred  Dollars! 
Now  what  do  you  know  about  that?  That  is 
some  money  for  a  tramp.  Think  of  a  hobo  sell- 
ing a  dog  like  you  for  one  hundred  plunks,  and 
then  sneaking  off  through  the  cornfield  and  you 
whining  to  go  along,  and  can't,  because  you  are 
tied  with  a  rope.  No,  siree,  not  much.  I'm  some 
mean  old  man,  but  not  mean  enough  for  a  stunt 
like  that.  No,  Mike,  we'll  not  separate  for  gold. 
Even  liquor,  bought  with  blood  money  like  that, 
wouldn't  taste  good ;  a  drunk  on  that  sort  of  fire 
water  would  burn  a  hole  in  a  copper  statue.  No 
sir,  we  hit  the  pike  together.  If  we  have  much 
or  little,  we'll  divide  it  and  share  it  on  the  square. 
If  we  starve,  we'll  starve  together,  and  when  the 
rainbow  touches  the  ground,  and  the  stars  shine 
out,  and  when  the  immortal  throng,  in  the  sweet 


24  THE    UNDER   PUP 

red  glow  of  the  evening,  mount  the  stairway  of 
endless  beauty,  we  will  be  together,  and  we'll  go 
together,  along  with  the  crowd. 

But,  Mike,  since  we  heard  that  strident  ex- 
horter,  on  the  streets  of  Denver,  changing  rags 
into  garments  of  purple  in  the  coming  socialist 
commonwealth,  I  have  been  thinking  a  thing  OT 
two.  That  is  a  funny  thing  for  a  tramp  to  do— 
to  think — but  I  sure  have.  Our  condition  is  bad 
enough,  God  knows.  But  whose  fault  is  it?  Not 
yours,  Mike;  certainly  not.  You  have  always 
done  everything  any  decent  dog  could  do  to  bet- 
ter our  condition,  and  you  have  succeeded  a 
great  many  times.  You've  been  faithful,  you've 
been  optimistic  and  patient,  and  you've  tried,  in 
your  silent  dog  talking  way,  to  inspire  and  en- 
courage, and  make  life  companionable  and  bear^ 
able ;  no  question  about  that.  So,  Mike,  you  are 
excused,  your  bill  of  health  is  clean,  your  grade 
100  plus.  Well,  then,  is  it  in  my  stars  that  we 
are  homeless,  and  poor,  and  despised,  and  tossed 
about?  Is  it  in  the  social  and  economic  con- 
ditions in  which  we  are  submerged  that  we  are 
mostly  meatless,  breadless,  penniless,  and  on  the 
bum?  Was  that  agitator  on  the  street  correct, 
when  he  blamed  everybody  but  the  poor,  for  be- 
ing poor  ?  I  am  afraid  not.  I  am  afraid  it  is  not 
in  our  stars,  nor  in  existing  unequal  economic 


THE    UNDER    PUP  25 

conditions,  Mike,  but  in  me  that  we  are  the  under 
pups  in  the  tangle. 

I  hear  these  street  yawpers  prate  of  the  in- 
equalities of  life,  and  I  know  every  one  of  them 
is  dead  wrong.  So  do  you.  I  watched  you  and 
the  farmer's  dog  chase  that  hare  the  other  day. 
You  caught  the  hare  because  you  were  the  faster 
dog.  I  saw  you  and  the  hunter's  dog  tracking 
a  wolf.  You  did  it  best  because  you  had  the 
keener  sense  of  smell.  I  saw  that  big  Newfound- 
land jump  on  you  in  Omaha  last  spring;  you 
whipped  him  to  a  frazzle,  before  the  crowd  could 
circle  around  to  watch  the  contest,  because  you 
understood  more  fully  the  science  of  the  game. 
No,  no,  Mike,  it  is  not  because  of  environment, 
nor  in  the  twist  of  economic  conditions,  that  one 
loses  and  the  other  wins.  The  secret  lies  in  the 
spirit  and  quality  of  the  dog. 

Robert  Squeeze  and  I  were  boys  together,  of 
the  same  age ;  we  left  school  together ;  we  learned 
our  trade  together;  we  received  the  same  wages, 
and  worked  for  the  same  house;  he  put  his  sur- 
plus in  the  Building  and  Loan,  and  I  put  mine 
in  the  booze  joint  and  places  of  amusement.  He 
went  to  night  school,  to  improve  his  mind,  and 
prepare  for  a  better  trade;  I  spent  my  evenings 
at  the  "Poor  Man's  Club" — the  saloon.  He  now 
has  a  home,  a  happy  family — money  in  the  bank 


26  THE    UNDER    PUP 

— is  honored  and  respected;  I  am  a  hobo, 
hungry  and  dead  broke.  Again,  it  is  not  eco- 
nomic conditions,  Mike ;  it  is  individual  initiative. 
It  is  the  temper,  the  mettle,  the  quality,  the 
moral  stamina  of  the  man. 

Everyone  has  an  equal  chance  in  this  glori- 
ously free  country  of  ours,  Mike,  and  if  he  does 
not  win  something  besides  poverty,  and  misery 
and  hunger,  it  is  because  he  is  a  dreamer,  a  dere- 
lict, or  blind  to  his  opportunities.  I  have  kicked 
on  the  inequalities  of  conditions  till  my  toes  were 
sore,  but  when  sane,  I  always  saw  that  the  mer- 
chant who  delivers  the  goods  gets  the  trade.  The 
pig  that  runs  the  swiftest  gets  the  slop ;  and  the 
man  who  watches  where  he  hits,  instead  of  watch- 
ing the  clock,  gets  the  maximum  check.  That's 
as  sure  as  justice — as  sure  as  that  three  and 
three  make  six,  and  as  right  as  right  can  be. 

There  always  have  been  inequalities  of  life. 
There  always  will  be.  Even  in  the  "coming 
brotherhood" — the  beneficent  "Social  common- 
wealth"— Mike,  there  must  be  hewers  of  wood 
and  drawers  of  water.  Some  men  will  have  to 
clean  cess-pools;  others  empty  and  scrub  cuspi- 
dors. Reckon  there  will  be  then,  as  there  are 
now,  and  always  have  been,  plenty  of  men  just 
of  the  right  size  and  temper  for  the  job;  and 
pay  checks,  then,  as  now,  will  size  up  according 


THE    UNDER    PUP  27 

to  the  capacity  of  the  worker  and  the  quality  of 
the  work.  Give  an  ambitious  chap  a  job  and 
grade  his  pay  according  to  the  character,  quality, 
and  volume  of  the  work  done,  and  the  chances 
are  he  will  naturally  fill  his  position  so  full  that 
he  will  run  over  into  something  better. 

That  method  will  naturally  inspire  greatness 
and  put  a  premium  on  efficiency  and  progress. 
But  introduce  a  system  under  which  every  man, 
regardless  of  capacity  and  efficiency,  is  to  work 
the  same  number  of  hours,  drop  his  tools  on  the 
exact  tick  of  the  clock,  or  be  fined,  and  receive 
precisely  the  same  wage,  and  that  minute  you 
can  employ  the  poet  laureate  to  write  the  requiem 
of  a  decaying  civilization. 

Place  two  men  side  by  side  at  the  bench.  Give 
them  the  same  class  of  work  and  the  same  tools. 
Place  a  premium  on  the  quality  and  volume  of 
the  output.  If  the  right  mettle  is  in  Jones  he 
will  out-strip  Smith.  The  company  wins  and 
Jones  goes  higher.  A  three-minute  horse  stays 
in  the  three-minute  class.  "A  runt  always  sucks 
the  hind  teat,"  and  a  drone  makes  no  honey;  his 
destiny  is  to  get  it  in  the  neck. 

I  worked  with  a  lackey  in  a  railroad  shop  once. 
We  (the  union)  fined  him  for  working  over 
hours  without  pay,  showing  the  boss  the  correct 
method  of  manipulating  an  intricate  machine. 


28  THE    UNDER    PUP 

He  paid  the  fine  all  right,  and  no  complaint.  He 
was  dead  game.  But,  Mike,  he  is  now  superin- 
tendent of  the  system,  and — I  am  a  hobo.  It's 
tough  on  me,  but  it's  a  square  deal.  The  lackey 
of  ten  years  ago,  who  is  a  lackey  still,  has  his 
vision  warped.  Did  it  by  always  keeping  his 
eyes  on  the  clock  and  on  the  boss  at  the  same 
time.  The  fact  that  men,  with  no  better  trade 
than  I  have,  are  forging  ahead  all  the  time ;  the 
fact  that  there  are  poor  men  who  won't  stay 
down,  and  that  conditions  cannot  keep  down; 
and  the  further  fact  that  ability  and  efficiency 
are  recognized  and  decently  treated,  at  all  times, 
and  everywhere,  is  an  unanswerable  argument 
why  the  master  of  as  good  a  dog  as  you  are, 
ought  to  be  a  better  man  than  I  am.  I  am  not 
down  because  I  could  not  stay  up,  but  because 
I  would  not. 

The  man  who  can  step  three  feet  at  a  time 
and  refuses  to  step  more  than  two,  has  no  call 
to  blame  the  procession  when  he  falls  behind; 
and  he  is  an  imbecile  to  sit  down  and  cry,  or 
limp  off  and  get  drunk,  because  it  won't  wait. 
We  have  traveled  a  good  deal,  Mike,  and  we 
have  seen  a  good  deal,  and  we  have  found  this 
one  invariable  rule,  that  the  fellow  who  howls 
the  loudest,  and  kicks  the  hardest  against  exist- 
ing conditions,  his  poverty  and  want,  is  the  chap 


THE    UNDER    PUP  29 

that  does  the  least  to  help  remedy  them  him- 
self. If  he  would  exercise  half  the  ingenuity  to 
make  a  living  by  the  sweat  of  his  brow,  that  he 
does  in  warping  his  jaw  to  create  class  hatred 
against  men  who,  by  industry  and  frugality,  be- 
came rich,  he'd  have  a  table  of  plenty  where  he 
now  has  nothing  but  scraps  and  soup. 

Briers  and  cockleburs  come  without  cultiva- 
tion, but  it  takes  plowing  to  grow  corn. 

There  are  a  lot  of  things  you  and  I  know, 
Mike,  and  they  are  so  simple  and  self-evident 
that  everybody  else  ought  to  know  them.  One 
of  them  is  that  every  man  who  wants  work  in 
this  country,  who  is  industrious  and  works  to 
the  interest  of  his  employer,  can  get  it.  He 
never  needs  to  be  idle.  Another  is,  that  the 
man  who  keeps  his  eyes  open  to  the  main  chance, 
who  anticipates  his  employer  by  doing  the  little 
needed  things  at  odd  moments  on  his  own  initia- 
tive, and  always  doing  them  extra  well  is  con- 
stantly in  demand  and  never  out  of  money.  His 
family  do  not  need  to  go  cold  or  hungry  through 
the  winter.  He  does  not  need  to  hunt  for  work. 
The  best  jobs  and  the  best  wages  hunt  him.  He 
is  always  busy,  always  climbing  higher,  always 
in  the  sunshine. 

Old  man  Hafer  used  to  come  where  I  was 
loafing  and  ask  where  my  brother  Lucian  was. 


30  THE    UNDER    PUP 

He  wanted  a  good,  steady,  industrious  hand.  I 
wonder  if  any  class-conscious  yap  could  explain 
why  the  old  man,  after  he  had  tried  us  both  a 
few  times,  always  wanted  Lou;  and  why  it  was 
Lou  always  had  money,  while  I  was  generally 
broke;  why  I  was  usually  idle  and  broke,  Lou 
usually  busy  and  flush  with  cash. 

Another  thing  any  body  can  see  with  half  an 
eye  is  that  ninety  per  cent  of  the  Rubes  who  are 
always  kicking  about  not  being  able  to  find  work, 
cannot  hold  a  job  when  they  get  it.  They  are  no 
account  on  general  principles.  They  do  what 
they  are  driven  to  do,  and  employers,  rather 
than  be  always  driving,  let  them  go  altogether. 
So  you  find  them  sitting  around  knocking 
against  the  rich,  the  country,  the  industrial  con- 
ditions. It  is  so  much  easier  to  kick  with  their 
mouths  than  it  is  to  work  with  their  hands. 

The  whole  thing,  as  I  see  it,  can  be  summed  up 
in  the  history  of  Sam  and  Joe  Sevier.  Both 
worked  for  old  Colonel  Nelson  at  the  mill.  Both 
were  paid  the  same  wages  to  start  with.  Joe  was 
industrious  and  frugal.  He  saved  something  out 
of  his  wages  every  month;  said  there  were  a  lot 
of  places  he'd  like  to  go,  and  a  lot  of  things  he'd 
like  to  do,  but,  if  he  laid  up  for  a  "rainy  day"  he 
couldn't  afford  it.  So  he  denied  himself  those 
special  costly  things,  and  put  his  money  in  the 
bank. 


THE    UNDER    PUP  31 

Sam  said  there  was  nothing  too  good  for  him, 
that  any  thing  he  wanted  he  was  going  to  have — 
and  he  had  it.  He  called  Joe  a  tight-wad  and  a 
money  grubber,  and  in  a  way,  I  reckon  he  was. 
But  he  was  watching  for  something  Sam  didn't 
see.  He  finally  saw  it.  It  was  a  better  job.  The 
work  was  harder  but  the  pay  was  better,  and  he 
took  it.  He  made  himself  both  useful  and  effi- 
cient. Only  a  little  while  and  they  raised  his 
wages.  He  was  able  to  save  more  than  ever,  and 
saved  it.  His  loyalty  to  the  interest  of  his  em- 
ployer, his  sobriety,  his  industry  and  efficiency, 
kept  on  getting  him  better  positions  and  higher 
wages  till,  at  last,  the  firm  took  him  in  as  junior 
partner  with  an  interest  in  the  profits  of  the 
business.  Now  he  is  head  of  the  firm,  is  wealthy 
and  can  go  where  he  pleases,  and  is  able  to  get 
anything  he  wants.  His  old  age  will  be  one  of 
comfort  and  ease — a  constant  celebration.  Sam 
is  still,  at  the  end  of  twenty  years,  working  at 
odd  jobs  around  the  mill — general  utility  roust- 
about. He  will  do  in  his  old  age  what  Joe  did 
in  his  youth — practice  self-denial.  He  will  do 
it  from  necessity.  Joe  did  it  from  choice. 

Do  you  see  the  point,  comrade?  Sam  lived 
like  the  boss  when  he  was  young.  Joe  lived  like 
the  hired  hand.  Sam  will  live  like  the  hired  hand 
when  he  is  old.  Joe  will  live  like  the  boss — and 


32  THE    UNDER   PUP 

nine  to  one  when  they  are  old,  Joe  will  be  com- 
pelled to  help  Sam  or  Sam  will  have  a  hard  time. 
Sam  blames  the  country,  its  conditions  and  the 
greediness  of  the  boss.  Joe  knows  better;  he 
tells  Sam  where  the  difference  is  and  why.  But 
that  don't  help  Sam.  It  only  makes  Sam  mad. 
Sam's  hind  sights  are  as  poor  now  as  were  his 
front  sights  when  he  was  young,  So,  Mike,  as 
I  said  on  the  start,  the  trouble  is  not  in  your  star, 
it  is  in  the  nature  and  quality  of  the  dog.  I  had 
just  as  well  have  a  home,  money  in  the  bank,  and 
sunshine  ahead,  as  to  be  sitting  here  ragged, 
dirty,  eating  a  hand-out,  talking  to  a  dog,  and 
headed  straight  for  the  inebriate  asylum  or  some 
place  a  good  deal  worse. 

I  know  there  were  lots  and  lots  of  people  at 
the  free  lunch  counters  last  winter.  But  where 
were  they  all  the  summer  before?  What  they 
were  during  the  winter  was  the  legitimate  result 
of  what  they  did  in  the  summer.  The  thing  to 
do  is  to  get  hold  of  them  and  make  them  work 
and  save  their  money  through  the  summer,  and 
they  won't  need  to  stand  around  the  soup  houses 
working  up  sympathy  during  the  winter.  But 
make  the  yaps  see  it,  will  you?  It  is  not  a  sys- 
tem of  vicious  economics  that  is  bothering  our 
crowd,  Mike,  it  is  mostly  hook-worms. 

It  is  getting  late,  old  man;  let's  crawl  in  this 
straw  and  go  to  sleep. 


TALK  TWO 

IT  is  a  strange  thing,  Mike,  how  these  glib 
tongued  street  screamers  capture  the  masses. 
Even  an  irresponsible  roving  Rube  can  shoot 
holes  in  their  logic  without  half  trying.  You  re- 
member how  that  jay  in  Denver  mingled  facts 
and  fancy ;  how  his  voice  vibrated  with  sympathy 
for  the  innumerable  army  of  tramps  as  he  pic- 
tured our  homeless  condition,  our  hunger,  our 
squalor,  our  want,  our  irresponsible  roving,  all 
brought  about  through  the  greed  and  grind  of 
that  monster — capitalism ;  how  he  wrung  the  pa- 
thetic changes  on  the  "enslaved"  and  the  unbear- 
able condition  of  the  American  workingman — 
his  home  a  hovel,  his  music  the  wail  of  hunger  and 
the  cry  for  bread.  Then  how  his  voice  turned 
to  vinegar  and  his  soul  to  gall  as  his  "socialistic 
mind"  dwelt  on  the  sumptuousness  and  arro- 
gance of  the  rich,  and  the  profligacy  and  in- 
humanity of  the  capitalists  of  the  age. 

Now,  some  of  it  was  true.  Not  much,  but 
some.  No  man  could  talk  as  long,  as  loud,  and 
as  fast  as  he  did  without  wobbling  onto  a  fact 
now  and  then ;  but  it  would  have  taken  an  ever- 
lasting lots  of  imagination  to  weave  in  more 
fancy. 


34  THE    UNDER   PUP 

When  he  insisted  that  the  "growing  army  of 
tramps"  is  the  direct  result  of  unequal  economic 
conditions  every  hobo  present — and  there  were 
a  dozen  or  more — grinned,  and  Waggles  swears 
he  saw  you  look  at  me  and  wink. 

Now,  the  fact  is,  every  tramp  present  knew 
that  he  was  one  from  unreserved,  deliberate,  per- 
sonal choice.  Economic  conditions,  "capitalistic 
oppression,"  the  law  of  industrial  necessity  had 
about  as  much  to  do  with  it  as  common  horse 
sense  had  in  framing  the  socialist  theory  of  eco- 
nomic determinism. 

You  remember,  Mike,  that  we  adjourned 
from  the  street  to  the  saloon — speaker,  hoboes 
and  all.  In  the  saloon  we  talked  over  the  speech, 
lit  into  capitalism  red  hot,  and  tanked  up  on 
booze.  But,  old  man,  if  you  noticed,  it  was  the 
"down-trodden  wage  slave"  that  invariably 
footed  the  bill.  If  the  hundreds  of  hard  earned 
dollars  shot  over  the  bar  for  gin,  by  "labor  lack- 
eys" that  night,  had  been  carried  home  and  spent 
for  food,  there  would  have  been  a  mighty  lot  of 
much  more  wholesome  dinners  served  in  work- 
ingmen's  homes  in  Denver  the  next  day.  That 
is  a  dead  cold  fact,  and  why  those  men  could  not 
see  it  and  change  cars  is  the  f ourteen-fifteen  puz- 
zle in  the  mind  of  your  chum. 

Now,  if  the  millions  of  plunks  dumped  into  the 


THE    UNDER   PUP  35 

gin  mill  every  month,  in  this  great  country  of 
ours,  by  wage  earners — men  who  know  they  can- 
not afford  to  drink,  treat  others,  and  get  drunk — 
were  spent  in  paying  for  homes,  for  food  and 
clothing,  fifty  per  cent  of  the  charity  organiza- 
tions would  die  from  sheer  inanition  inside  of 
one  year. 

But  it  is  the  "Poor  Man's  Club."  Sure,  Mike. 
And  a  poverty-provoking,  pocket-emptying, 
home-destroying,  ragged  Rube-begetting  club  it 
is,  isn't  it?  You  and  I  know.  We've  been 
through  the  mill.  It  is  the  poor  man's  club, 
drunk  or  sober,  as  long  as  he  has  money;  but 
when  his  roll  is  gone  and  his  pockets  are  empty, 
his  welcome  ends  and  he  is  cussed  out  or  bodily 
fired  out.  Like  all  other  capitalistic  institutions 
it  was  organized  to  make  money.  When  a  chap 
has  no  money  he  is  not  wanted.  It  is  the  poor 
man's  club  and  no  mistake.  Its  sole  mission  up 
to  date  has  been  to  keep  the  poor  man  poor;  and 
if  there  ever  was  a  slick  machine  invented — one 
that  never  slips  a  cog,  blunts  an  edge,  nor  fails 
to  turn  out  the  finished  article  in  the  most  ar- 
tistic and  flawless  way  it  is  this  same  "Poor 
Man's  Club,"  devised  and  thrown  on  the  market 
to  keep  the  poor  man  poor — to  get  some  of  his 
dollars  at  first — all  of  them  at  last. 

But  this  is  treason  for  a  bum.     Prohibition, 


36  THE    UNDER    PUP 

eh?  Yeow!  Now,  who  said  anything  about  pro- 
hibition? Isn't  this  a  free  country?  Has  any 
man,  or  set  of  men  any  right  to  interfere  with 
my  liberty;  to  say  what  I  shall  eat  or  what  I 
shall  drink?  Not  on  your  life.  That  is  the  ap- 
proved, blustering,  big  injun  talk,  Mike,  when 
you  are  the  owner  of  the  club,  when  you  distill 
the  juice,  when  your  appetite  is  keener  than 
your  judgment,  when  your  pockets  are  lined 
with  money,  as  mine  were  ten  years  ago.  But 
now,  when  the  "poor  man's  club"  has  milked  me 
dry,  I'm  a  vagabond,  hungry  and  dead  broke,  I 
reckon,  old  chap,  that  other  people — decent, 
sober,  charitable,  respectable  people — rather  have 
the  drop  on  the  argument  in  my  case. 

It  is  the  proper  thing  to  talk  big,  swear  loud 
and  swagger  around  with  a  chip  on  your  shoul- 
der when  you  have  money,  or  an  axe  to  grind; 
but  when  you  have  wasted  you  substance  buy- 
ing booze,  when  you  have  lost  your  job  through 
dissipated  habits;  when  you  have  wrecked  your 
family  through  neglect  and  gaunt  hunger  stares 
you  in  the  face,  then  other  people — people  you 
have  cussed  and  maligned,  called  goody-goodies 
and  pious  hypocrites — must  say  what  you  eat,  or 
you  starve ;  say  what  you  wear  or  you  go  naked ; 
say  where  you  sleep  or  it  is  out-of-doors;  say 
how  you  live  or  you  hit  the  potters  field,  and  hit 


THE    UNDER    PUP  37 

it  quick  and  hard — and  don't  you  forget  it  for 
a  single  minute. 

No,  no,  old  dog,  as  I  see  it,  it  is  not  a  ques- 
tion of  saloon  or  no  saloon,  prohibition  or  license, 
we  are  talking  about.  It  is,  as  the  Socialists  say, 
a  question  of  economics — the  <  question  as  to 
whether  a  chap  whose  income  will  not  allow  him 
to  take  money  from  supporting  his  family,  from 
the  nest-egg  for  old  age,  and  a  rainy  day,  and 
spend  it  in  self-indulgence — in  cultivating  an  ab- 
normal appetite,  that  in  the  end  will  get  his  goat, 
and  fill  his  declining  years  with  suffering  and 
want  is  not  economically  rank  crazy  when  he 
does  it.  If  I  had  had  the  sense  of  a  common  chip- 
munk, I'd  have  saved  for  the  family  and  the 
winter  of  old  age  first  and  cultivated  my  appetite 
afterwards. 

If  that  class-conscious  mutt  in  Denver  had 
given  the  boys  wholesome  advice,  had  told  them 
that  if  they  would  only  deny  themselves,  reason- 
ably, now,  for  the  sake  of  the  future,  it  would 
have  been  worth  its  weight  in  gold.  If  he  had 
told  them  the  truth — that  ninety  per  cent  of  the 
men  in  the  West  began  life  as  poor  as  they,  and 
gained  a  competence  saving  little  by  little,  and 
that  they  could  do  the  same,  and  in  a  few  years 
be  on  the  road  to  fortune  and  comfort;  had  he 
done  that,  I  say,  instead  of  making  a  sour  apple 


38  THE    UNDER    PUP 

appeal  to  class  hatred,  how  much  more  of  self- 
reliance  and  healthful  ambition  it  would  have 
instilled  in  the  minds  of  the  men  present;  and 
how  much  more  hopefully  and  cheerfully  they 
would  have  gone  to  their  homes. 

I  tell  you,  Mike,  it  is  a  dirty  shame  that  a 
lot  of  class-conscious  political  jays  who  cannot, 
or  will  not,  see  that  the  major  per  cent  of  our 
poverty  and  want  come  from  prodigal,  indolent 
habits  and  natural  causes,  are  constantly  venting 
their  spleen  on  questions,  the  breadth  and  depth 
of  which  they  are  unable  to  grasp.  That  yap 
in  Denver,  howling  about,  "It  is  not  charity  we 
want,  but  justice"  did  not  see  that  if  he,  and  a 
lot  of  his  ilk,  had  justice  they  would  be  shut  off 
of  the  street  with  their  foreign  un-American  ap- 
peal to  a  class  spirit  that  does  not  exist  in  Amer- 
ica, has  no  place  in  our  system,  and  works  un- 
told injury  to  every  poor  man  who  acquires  it. 
Justice  would  send  him  to  school,  put  him  to 
work,  and  teach  him  the  American  spirit  of  "I 
am  the  equal  of  any  other  man  on  earth,  and  I 
can  and  will  succeed.  If  I  do  not  get  on  top 
to-day,  I  will  to-morrow  or  next  day  or  next 
year.  But  I'll  do  it."  A  man  of  that  kind  would 
be  of  some  use  in  a  country  where  each  man  is 
as  big  as  every  other  one,  and  most  of  the  time 
a  heap  bigger.  A  class-conscious  mutt  in  Amer- 
ica, Mike,  is  a  piker  and  a  joke. 


THE    UNDER    PUP  39 

Then,  you  remember  his  balder-dash  about 
"unearned  increment,"  about  economic  determin- 
ism, about  every  man  being  entitled  to  what  (or 
all)  he  creates.  Sounded  fine,  didn't  it?  Was  a 
pippin  with  the  peelin'  on,  wasn't  it?  But  when 
you  analyze  it,  you  find  it  reverses  all  the  facts  of 
human  experience,  and  is  a  denial  of  the  actual 
events  of  history.  In  the  light  of  personal  ob- 
servation and  experience,  and  I've  had  a  heap  of 
both,  I  say  that  eighty  per  cent  of  the  people 
do  get  a  just  proportion  of  what  they  create  and 
most  of  the  rest  a  mighty  sight  more. 

Walter  Case  went  to  the  Klondike.  He  struck 
it  rich.  Washed  out  three  hundred  thousand 
dollars  in  gold.  It  was  all  his.  He  alone  en- 
dured the  hardships  and  did  the  work  necessary 
to  secure  it.  He  came  back  to  Owensville.  There 
were  over  one  hundred  skilled  workmen  out  of 
a  job.  All  of  us  combined  did  not  have  money 
or  credit  enough  to  build  one  side  of  a  factory. 
Our  only  capital  was  our  strength,  our  muscle 
and  our  skill.  Walt's  capital  was  a  cumulative 
mind,  public  spirit  and  his  three  hundred  thou- 
sand in  gold.  He  saw  where  he  could  help  us, 
and  while  doing  that  could  also  help  the  town 
and  help  himself.  He  bought  land,  built  a  fac- 
tory, equipped  it,  furnished  the  raw  material, 
found  a  market  for  the  out-put,  paid  the  taxes 
and  insurance — took  all  the  risk. 


40  THE    UNDER   PUP 

He  gave  us  all  steady  employment — six  days 
every  week.  Paid  us  on  the  basis  of  each  man's 
earning  capacity.  Piece  work  ~yas  his  hobby. 
Said  by  that  plan  no  man  would  be  cheated — 
that  each  would  get  the  full  benefit  of  his  effi- 
ciency and  skill;  that  every  man  who  had  am- 
bition would  have  every  incentive  to  advance, 
and  none  but  drones  would  lag  behind. 

Our  muscle  and  skill  formed  exactly  one-half 
of  the  capital  stock,  Walt  and  his  money  the 
other  half.  Neither  could  have  run  a  factory 
without  the  other.  But  Walt  went  further  than 
that.  He  did  the  square  thing  in  another  line. 
He  organized  a  building  and  loan  association  in 
the  town;  urged  us  to  buy  lots  and  build  homes 
on  the  instalment  plan ;  said  that  was  the  thrifty, 
prudent  thing  to  do — that  in  that  way  the  amount 
we'd  pay  in  rent  would  go  to  paying  for  a  home, 
that  paying  rent  to  the  landlord  was  like  buying 
a  dead  horse. 

A  lot  of  the  fellows  saw  the  point,  took  his 
advice,  and  now  own  their  own  homes,  and  no 
thanks  to  anybody.  As  paying  so  much  each 
month  on  their  homes  gave  them  the  saving  habit 
many  of  them  kept  it  up,  now  have  stock  in  the 
factory,  money  in  the  bank,  and  are  adding  to 
it  every  pay  day.  Some  of  them  have  gone 
into  business  for  themselves,  and  Rube  Jones 


THE    UNDER    PUP  41 

told  me  the  last  time  we  met,  were  doing  well- 
getting  rich. 

My  work  made  me  $3.50  per  day,  but  I  could 
not  see  it  to  buy  a  home.  I  wanted  a  good  time 
as  I  went  along.  Others  were  like  me,  and  so 
we  spent  our  money  at  the  cheap  shows  and  in 
the  booze  joints.  We  could  easily  have  saved 
one  dollar  or  more  per  day.  It  would  have  taken 
some  self-denial,  but  we  were  not  the  self-deny- 
ing kind.  Most  of  us  didn't  save  a  sou.  Instead 
of  saving  money,  we  spent  it  in  self-indulgent 
habits;  not  in  luxuries  for  the  wife  and  kiddies, 
but  on  our  narrow,  selfish  selves. 

After  taking  all  the  chances,  all  the  risks  of 
the  enterprise,  coupled  with  the  fluctuation  in 
prices,  Walt  was  satisfied  with  ten  per  cent  on 
his  investment.  We  working  men,  as  a  whole — 
the  other  half  of  the  capital  stock — could  have 
saved  from  our  wages  more  than  ten  per  cent 
of  the  capital  investment  had  we  tried.  The 
frugal,  prudent  part  of  the  gang  averaged  in 
savings  considerable  more  than  ten  per  cent. 
Walt  gave  us  a  squarer  deal  than  most  of  us 
gave  ourselves.  And,  Mike,  believe  it  or  not, 
all  the  class-conscious  kickers  and  knockers  be- 
long to  our  end  of  the  bunch.  The  fellows  that 
saved  their  money  have  no  kick  coming.  They 
are  contented.  They  know  economic  conditions 


42  THE    UNDER   PUP 

are  not  against  men  who  have  ambition  to  climb, 
and  thrift  to  save.  Socialism  doesn't  bother  them 
— not  even  a  little  bit.  Had  I  staid  at  home  and 
saved  my  money  as  Bob  Squeeze  did,  I'd  now 
have  a  home  paid  for,  a  good  bank  account,  a 
happy  contended  family,  and  be  somebody,  in- 
stead of  what  I  am — a  runaway,  a  derelict  and 
a  tramp. 

No  wonder  I  am  homeless  and  forsaken.  The 
only  reason  you  love  me  and  stand  by  me  Mike, 
I  reckon,  is  because  you  are  a  dog.  Seems  to 
me  that  the  only  time  I  ever  have  a  sane  mo- 
ment, on  how  I  ought  to  live,  is  when  I  am  getting 
over  a  souse.  When  a  fellow  lets  his  candle  go 
out  and  won't  provide  matches  he  must  sit  in  the 
dark.  The  hunter  who  has  wasted  his  powder 
must  handle  an  empty  gun;  and  he  who  refuses 
to  step  aside  is  ground  under  the  wheels. 

You  would  have  been  a  badly  chawed  up  part- 
ner, Mike,  had  you  always  refused  to  fight. 
Less  ginger  in  your  makeup,  and  you,  long  since, 
would  have  been  a  dead  dog. 

The  man  who  refuses  to  take  a  chance  is 
mighty  apt  to  lose  in  the  game.  He  who  stands 
and  watches  till  the  birds  are  out  of  range  goes 
home  with  an  empty  bag.  Scolding  and  swear- 
ing after  you  are  bit  is  no  excuse  for  having 
cornered  a  friendly  dog. 


THE    UNDER    PUP  43 

The  whole  life  question  resolves  itself  into 
about  this:  Joe  Sevier  worked  hard,  scrimped, 
saved,  lived  frugal,  the  early  active  part 
of  his  life.  His  middle  age  is  one  of  com- 
fort and  growing  income.  His  old  age  will  be 
one  of  rest,  plenty  and  content.  His  brother, 
Sam,  was  profligate,  sporty,  spendthrift,  self- 
indulgent  in  his  active  years.  He  enters  middle 
life  as  poor  as  when  he  began  and  in  old  age  will 
face  the  hardest,  stormiest,  most  exacting  period 
of  his  existence.  When  you  stop  to  think  of  it, 
Mike,  Joe  has  had  horse  sense  all  his  life.  Sam 
never  had  any. 

A  friend  of  mine  made  his  pile  in  honest  trade. 
He  bought  a  fine  big  farm,  equipped  and  stocked 
it,  all  ready  for  work.  That  was  just  half  the 
game.  He  said  I  had  the  other  half  of  the  neces- 
sary capital,  essential  to  success — good  health, 
practical  knowledge  of  farming,  native  executive 
ability  and  a  willing  hand.  Said,  that  if  I  would 
move  on  to  the  farm,  manage  and  cultivate  it, 
he  would  pay  the  taxes  and  insurance,  and  in 
the  round-up  we  would  equally  divide  the  pro- 
ceeds. Fair?  Well,  I  reckon.  But  I  said,  "Xo, 
no,  Horatio,  not  me.  A  farmer's  a  fool.  I  can 
make  more  in  town,  I  am  not  a  clod-hopper. 
I  am  a  gentleman." 

Another  chap,  with  less  brains  and  less  edu- 


44  THE    UNDER   PUP 

cation  than  I,  jumped  at  the  job.  He  now 
owns  the  adjoining  farm,  has  a  fat  bank  ac- 
count, rides  in  an  automobile  and  sends  his 
children  to  college.  The  man  who  pities  me  for 
what  I  am,  and  blames  the  economic  system 
under  which  we  live,  for  his  piled  up  wealth,  and 
just  pride  in  himself,  Mike,  is — is  overworked 
in  his  imagination. 

Of  course,  I  know  there  are  unfortunates  in 
the  world — people  who  go  to  bed  hungry  every 
night,  who  never  have  a  decent  suit  of  clothes, 
and  are  always  in  arrears  for  rent. 

There  is  a  reason  for  this.  It  is,  they,  or  their 
parents,  make  a  break  for  the  city,  crowd  and 
pile  up  like  fish  on  a  shoal,  till  they  can  neither 
wiggle  nor  swim.  Then  there  are  too  many 
people  in  one  place,  and  too  little  work,  and 
sweat-shops  and  starvation  wages  result.  They 
stay  there  because  they  are  too  near  the  dinner 
pail  to  ever  get  away  without  help;  and,  so  far, 
the  socialistic  benefactor  class  has  devised  no 
system  of  present  help. 

That  class  form  a  subject  of  pity,  and  ought 
to  be  helped  and  helped  now.  A  philanthropic 
clergyman  saw  all  this  among  the  sweat  shops 
of  New  York.  His  pity  was  the  honest  kind 
that  counts.  Not  the  kind  that  spends  its  force 
in  street  corner  harangues  at  so  much  per.  It 


THE    UNDER    PUP  45 

was  the  genuine  Simon  pure  kind  that  finds  ex- 
pression in  practical  deeds  of  charity  on  the  spot, 
and  for  the  sore  and  oppressed  of  today.  Not 
the  kind  that  snivels  and  yawps,  and  whoops  it 
up  for  the  generations  to  come,  minus  the  hot 
tamale  now. 

He  lit  out  for  the  cheap  lands  of  the  South, 
found  what  he  wanted  in  the  state  of  Arkansas, 
contracted  for  a  large  tract  of  it,  went  back  to 
New  York,  raised  sufficient  money,  and  took  a 
colony  of  several  hundred  sweat  shoppers  to  the 
land.  His  pity  kept  him  with  them,  teaching 
them  how  to  build,  and  plow  and  plant,  and 
mature,  and  harvest,  and  preserve  and  market 
their  crops.  And  now,  Mike,  in  this  year  of 
grace,  A.  D.  1912,  in  the  state  of  Arkansas, 
U.  S.  A.,  is  one  of  the  most  prosperous  and  con- 
tented colonies  on  the  face  of  the  globe. 

That  is  the  way  to  change  adverse  economic 
conditions.  That  is  the  way  to  do  up  the  capital- 
istic sweat  shop  class.  That  is  the  way  to  change 
the  spelling  of  m-i-s-e-r-y  into  U-t-o-p-i-a.  That 
is  the  way,  old  dog,  as  the  preachers  say,  to  show 
your  faith — by  your  works. 

If  the  five  hundred  thousand  Socialists  our 
Denver  spieler  bragged  about  as  loving  their 
suffering,  fellow-man,  and  as  leading  a  weep- 
ing-willow life  over  the  cries  and  groans  of  the 


46 

oppressed,  would  each  pay  his  twenty-five  cents 
per  month  dues,  into  a  common  fund,  and  locate 
colonies  of  the  tenement  dwellers  of  New  York, 
and  other  congested  labor  centers,  on  the  cheap 
vacant  lands  of  the  South  now  going  to  waste, 
and  employ  scientific  farmers  to  teach  them, 
they  would  do  more  to  settle  the  industrial  ques- 
tion, and  "capitalistic  oppression"  in  ten  years, 
than  all  their  five  hundred  thousand,  or  even  five 
million,  votes  could  do,  cast  semi-annually,  for 
a  thousand  years.  But  that  would  be  too  prac- 
tical a  thing  for  Socialism  to  undertake. 

Now,  you  sure  know,  old  dog,  that  I  am  not 
spoiling  for  a  sweat  provoking  job  for  myself, 
but  I  know  a  wise  guy  or  two  I'd  like  to  see 
teach  a  hungry-for-comfort  colony  like  that  how 
to  farm.  When  it  was  about  five  years  old  I'd 
like  to  sit  on  the  fence  and  smell  the  cabbage 
and  beef  cooking,  hear  the  hens  cackle,  the  pigs 
grunt,  the  cows  low,  the  laughter  and  cheer  of 
the  children  at  play,  see  the  love  light  in  the 
mother's  eyes,  and  hear  them  thank  God  that 
goodness  and  gladness,  mingled  with  sunlight 
and  plenty,  are  again  dwellers  among  men. 

True  helpfulness,  Mike,  is  to  help  others  to 
help  themselves — not  just  snivel  and  give  hand- 
outs. It  cultivates  self-respect  and  keeps  the 
backbone  straight.  It  has  full  words  with 


THE    UNDER    PUP  47 

empty  deeds  beat  a  million  miles.  You  can  set 
it  down  as  a  sure  shot,  that  he  who  boasts  the 
loudest  does  the  least.  Every  man  who  talked 
the  hardest  of  honesty,  and  insisted  the  loudest 
on  his  own  personal  fairness,  was  the  chap  who 
never  let  up  till  he  had  me  in  the  hole.  A  man 
always  yowls  the  biggest  about  that  of  which  he 
has  the  least. 

Life  is  a  great  game,  and  it  takes  both  brains 
and  practice  to  always  know  who  holds  the  win- 
ning hand.  I've  been  both  honest  and  crooked 
in  my  time,  but  after  ten  years  of  twisting,  I 
know  that  an  earned  meal  tastes  the  best,  and 
even  to  a  tramp,  a  clean  conscience  is  a  good 
sleep  producer.  The  man  who  is  honest  and  in- 
dustrious, does  not  need  to  brag  about  it.  His 
neighbors  know  it  better  than  they  know  him. 
They  value  him  on  the  basis  of  what  he  is — not 
what  he  says  he  is.  Thunder  amounts  to  little. 
It  takes  lightning  to  do  business.  A  rooster 
can  cackle  the  loudest,  but  he  lays  no  eggs. 
What  I  am  trying  to  get  at,  all  along,  Mike,  is 
that  under  any  form  of  human  society,  the  pros- 
perity and  safety  of  the  public  depend  on  the 
industry,  the  economy,  the  morality  and  sobriety 
of  the  individual.  We  were  brought  into  the 
world  without  our  consent — ignorant  and  help- 
less. The  world  agrees  that  it  owes  us  a  living 


48  THE    UNDER   PUP 

and  an  education.  But  it  has  also  decreed  that 
we  must  work  for  the  one  and  study  for  the 
other.  As  there  are  myriads  of  interests  that 
must  be  developed  to  meet  all  demands  of  civil- 
ized existence,  nature  has  diversified  human 
talent.  One  man  is  adapted  to  one  thing,  an- 
other to  something  else.  All  together  make  a 
symmetrical  whole.  All  men  cannot  become 
equally  expert,  equally  artistic,  equally  inventive, 
equally  constructive.  Because  there  are  more 
men  in  the  lower  story  only  capable  of  doing 
the  rougher,  harder  work,  there  is  less  competi- 
tion there  than  in  the  professions  requiring 
genius  and  skill,  and  so  wage  compensation 
under  any  industrial  system  must  vary.  That, 
or  all  invention  or  skilled  accomplishment,  will 
drop  to  the  dead  level  of  inferior  effort.  That 
is  history — that  is  the  inherent  law  of  life. 
Socialism  cannot  change  its  workings  without 
charity,  and  charity  is  a  thing  it  says  it  abhors. 
Nature  has  planted  the  maternal  and  protective 
instinct  in  all  animal  species.  The  young  are 
cared  for  during  the  infantile,  the  helpless 
period.  When  strength  and  intelligence  develop 
to  the  point  of  self-help,  the  invariable  rule  is, 
except  in  the  case  of  man,  the  young  are  turned 
loose  to  fight  the  battle  of  life  alone.  Men  love 
longer  and  help  longer.  The  result  has  been  the 


THE    UNDER   PUP  49 

development  of  the  monogamic  family,  the  law 
of  inheritance,  the  rights  of  property.  That 
all  may  be  educated,  clothed,  fed  and  housed,  the 
laws  of  compensation,  of  general  taxation,  of 
charity,  have  been  established.  The  law  went 
forth,  that  of  the  strong  "He  who  works  not  shall 
not  eat." 

But,  Mike,  the  helpful  instinct  in  our  species 
has  gone  further  than  our  laws.  Every  year 
my  class,  the  vagrant,  hobo  element,  is  becoming 
more  numerous.  We  refuse  to  work  and  still 
we  live.  Society  feeds  us  in  pity,  even  though 
it  is  generally  known  that  we  are  too  everlast- 
ingly trifling  to  work.  The  only  men  you  ever 
hear  say  that  we  are  driven  by  economic  condi- 
tions into  the  life  we  lead  are  Socialists,  and  they 
are  wilful  prevaricators  when  they  say  it,  or,  are 
too  indolent  or  ignorant  to  critically  and  calmly 
investigate  the  subject  and  learn  the  truth;  too 
economically  dishonest  to  see  and  admit  it.  Now, 
admit  the  correctness  of  the  socialistic  theory 
that  every  man  must  have  equal  ownership  in 
everything  regardless,  and  that  the  only  laws  of 
administration  should  be  over  things  instead  of 
over  men,  and  you  throw  a  sop  directly  to  the 
vagrant  and  criminal  classes,  exclusive  of  any 
element  of  restraint  or  reform — rather  to  the  ex- 
tent of  encouragement  in  continued  indolence 
and  outrage, 


50  THE    UNDER   PUP 

I  know  that  the  Socialist  insists  that  under 
Socialism  every  man  will  take  his  proper  place 
and  do  his  equal  share.  I  also  know,  old  dog, 
that  he  is  whistling  in  the  dark — is  wind  jamming 
through  his  scalp.  When  they  say  that  being 
well  housed,  well  clothed,  and  generously  stuffed 
with  grub  each  man,  under  Socialism,  will  be 
moral,  unselfish,  generous  and  industrious,  they 
contradict  their  own  theory.  Everybody  knows, 
who  has  ever  heard  a  Socialist  war  whoop,  that 
their  most  attractive  yawp  among  themselves  is 
that  the  meanest  men  God  ever  made  have  been 
the  best  housed,  the  best  clothed,  the  best  fed— 
the  capitalists — of  all  nations  and  all  ages. 
When  they  insist  that  under  a  "co-operative 
commonwealth"  nobody  will  steal,  don't  you  be- 
lieve it.  There  will  be  short  years  as  there  al- 
ways have  been.  Socialists  cannot  control  the 
weather,  so  there  are  bound  to  be  short  crops 
and  limited  supplies.  In  that  event  the  strong 
will  take  more  than  their  equal  allowance.  Why 
not?  There  is  to  be  no  law  over  men.  Who  is 
to  hinder?  That  they  will  not  is  theory.  That 
they  will  is  unvarying,  undisputed,  historic  fact. 
History,  and  inherent  human  nature,  have 
knocked  out  the  whole  side  of  the  house  erected 
by  hair  trigger  reformeis,  and 
theorists,  in  all  ages. 


THE    UNDER    PUP  51 

I  have  seen  "capitalistic  society  supporters" 
feed  the  hungry,  cloth  the  naked,  furnish  fuel 
for  the  freezing,  while  street  corner  reformers 
at  so  much  per,  who  never  give  a  dollar  to  that 
cause,  stood  and  filled  the  air  with  sulphuric 
abuse  of  their  type  while  they  were  doing  it. 

Oh,  but  Mike!  These  propagandists  "Do  not 
want  charity."  They  "want  justice."  And  I 
say  to  you — and  I'm  a  good  judge — that  if  that 
class  had  a  more  adequate  sense  of  justice,  they'd 
work  more,  save  more,  and  gab  less. 

I  tell  you,  Mike,  I  get  better  hand-outs  at  the 
back  door  of  the  capitalistic  citizen  than  I  do 
at  any  door  of  the  Socialist — and  from  rather 
intimate  acquaintance  with,  and  careful  study  of 
the  moral  makeup  of  both  types,  I'd  rather  risk 
the  back  door  of  capitalistic  government  than  the 
whole  inside  of  the  house  of  Socialism. 

Socialism,  Mike,  may  create  a  "no  law  over 
men,"  no  "interference  with  the  personal  rights 
of  the  individual,"  heaven,  but  I'll  gamble  that 
its  flowery  beds  of  ease  "will  be  briars  and  this- 
tles, and  its  Utopia  a  raging,  roaring  effervesce 
of  red-eyed,  carving-knife  anarchy.  All  Social- 
ists are  not  anarchists,  but  Socialism  breeds  an- 
archy, and  anarchists  vote  the  Socialist  ticket  and 
glory  in  its  victories.  All  you  need  do  to  know 
how  moderate,  how  deferential,  how  prudent,  and 


52  THE    UNDER   PUP 

how  fair  a  socialist  will  be  when  "Socialism  is  es- 
tablished" is  to  try  to  get  a  word  in  on  him  edge- 
wise now.  The  average  Socialist  is  not  a  states- 
man, Mike;  he  is  a  fanatic.  When  he  becomes 
"class  conscious,"  he  lives  in  the  world  of  imagin- 
ation and  avarice.  He  has  faith  in  the  results  of 
ultimate  socialistic  success  on  exactly  the  same 
line  certain  utility  corporations,  in  some  of  our 
western  cities,  have  in  the  success  of  municipal 
tickets  they  spend  money  to  nominate — he  is  to 
be  the  beneficiary  of  unlimited  means  he  will  in 
no  way  earn.  His  poverty,  he  confidently  expects 
will  be  replaced  by  a  co-equal  ownership  in  all 
the  wealth  of  the  earth,  none  of  which  he  ever 
earned.  Socialism  will  win  it  for  him;  not  by 
purchase,  nor  by  labor,  but  by  wholesale  confisca- 
tion, unblushing  theft.  Oh,  yes,  Mike,  I  know 
the  Socialist  talks  about  "the  workers"  having 
earned  all  the  wealth  in  existence,  and  been 
robbed  of  it  (exploited) ,  but  his  economic  theory 
that  capital  wealth  has  no  earning  power  is  where 
his  mental  machinery  is  oiled  with  imagination 
and  runs  off  with  itself.  The  Pennsylvania 
railroad  is  to  be  confiscated  of  course,  when 
Socialism  comes  into  its  own.  It  is  a  "blood  suck- 
ing corporation"  to  be  sure.  But  its  stock  is 
owned  by  over  60,000  people — people  mostly  of 
moderate  means,  who  own  the  stock  as  a  safe  in- 


THE    UNDER    PUP  53 

vestment,  affording  a  modest  income  for  old  age. 
Nearly  all  the  great  corporations  are  owned 
largely  by  the  same  modest  investing  class. 
Most  men  vote  the  Socialist  ticket  in  municipal 
elections  from  sheer  disgust  over  the  rotten,  petty 
grafting  of  organized  cliques  of  greed,  who  have 
been  in  power.  Little  harm  will  come  of  that, 
as  socialistic  incompetence  soon  runs  its  course. 
In  Ohio  and  other  places  socialist  mayors-elect 
have  to  repudiate  their  party  before  they  can 
decently  run  the  city.  Everybody  who  reads  the 
papers  knows  this. 

It  is  the  "international  world-wide  movement" 
that  has  poison  in  it — the  one  chaps  who  love 
their  country,  their  homes,  their  religion  and  civic 
decency  want  to  watch. 

Well,  come  on  old  man,  I'm  rested.  Let's 
be  jogging  along. 


TALK  THREE 

SAY,  Mike,  what  do  you  savy  about  a  frame-up 
like  this  for  an  outfit  of  our  size?  Eh!  Two 
old  bums!  Look  around,  son.  Fine  cabin,  two 
rooms,  fireplace  in  one,  cook  stove  in  the  other, 
plenty  of  dry  wood,  kitchen  utensils  and  grub 
supplies  galore;  carpets  on  the  floor,  pictures  on 
the  wall,  books  and  magazines,  a  soft  mat  for 
you,  clean  bed  for  me,  and  nothing  to  do  but 
patrol  the  premises,  eat,  sleep,  smoke  and  be 
happy.  Jerusalem,  Mike,  but  it's  a  snap  for  two 
old  vags  like  us.  It  sure  is. 

How  did  we  get  here?  How  did  all  this  glory 
happen?  Did  we  steal  it,  or  did  we  go  to  sleep 
and  just  wake  up  in  Heaven?  No,  comrade,  we 
are  still  on  earth,  but  we  have  struck  it,  and 
struck  it  mighty  rich.  When  Walter  Case  went 
to  the  Klondike,  the  mountains  and  smell  of  the 
pines  got  into  his  system.  So  this  summer  he 
brought  his  family  out  here  among  the  Rockies, 
and  before  leaving  bought  this  entire  lake,  all 
these  buildings,  and  this  big  mountain  ranch  for 
a  summer  home.  He  was  the  chap  we  met  in 
Boulder  the  day  you  saved  the  little  girl  from 
being  run  over  by  that  bunch  of  steers.  He  and 
I  had  a  long  talk,  There  were  several  of  the 

54 


THE    UNDER   PUP  55 

genuine  Walt.  Case  sermons,  a  few  unnecessary 
promises  exacted,  a  bath,  a  shave,  a  hair  cut,  a 
trunk  full  of  glad  rags,  and  here  we  are  for  the 
winter ;  and  if  the  court  knows  herself,  and  there 
is  backbone  enough  in  the  firm,  sober  and  sober 
for  keeps.  We  may  fall,  but  we'll  fall  trying 
to  climb. 

Walter  Case  is  a  white  man,  Mike,  a  gentle- 
man, a  scholar  and  always  in  favor  of  reciprocity 
and  a  square  deal — a  friend  once,  a  friend  for- 
ever. We  have  struck  pay  dirt  in  great  shape 
this  trip,  and  if  I  can  behave  myself  for  once, 
as  well  as  you  do  all  the  time,  we  have  struck  it 
at  the  big  end  of  a  long  pay  chute. 

I  have  known  Walter  Case  since  he  was  a 
kid.  We  went  to  school  together,  were  an  even 
match  in  a  wrestle,  dived  in  the  old  swimming 
hole  together,  and  later,  went  to  see  the  same 
girl.  I  carried  his  suitcase  to  the  depot  when 
he  started  for  the  Klondike,  worked  for  him  in 
his  big  factory  after  he  returned,  and  the  only 
reason  I  am  not  there  yet  is  because  I  loved 
liquor  and  idleness  more  than  I  loved  family 
and  respectability.  Walter's  eyes  were  filled 
with  tears,  and  his  voice  with  kindness,  when  he 
finally  fired  me  from  the  job.  He  referred  to 
it  in  Boulder,  told  me  that  for  the  sake  of  the 
old  days  he  had  never  given  me  up.  But  the 


56  THE    UNDER   PUP 

wander  lust — the  hobo  microbe  hit  me  after  los- 
ing my  job,  and  I  reckon  would  have  stuck  in 
my  system  forever,  had  it  not  been  for  the 
Socialists  in  Denver.  That  gang  cured  me  of 
the  disease.  When  I  heard  every  yawper  among 
them,  from  the  Silver  Tongue,  and  the  Little 
Giant,  down  to  the  street  corner  Napoleon  of 
economics,  fill  his  voice  with  woe  over  the  growing 
army  of  tramps,  and  affirm  that  we  were  the  vic- 
tims of  vicious  industrial  conditions;  that  capital- 
ism and  starvation  wages  were  at  the  bottom  of 
our  vagabond  lives,  I  knew  they  were  on  the 
wrong  scent.  I  was  a  tramp,  I  knew  tramps  and 
tramp  life ;  and  I  knew  from  my  own  experience, 
and  from  what  all  the  rest  said — and  on  this  sub- 
ject tramps  uniformly  tell  each  other  the  truth — 
that  ninety-five  per  cent  are  hoboes  because  of 
dissipation,  double-geared  laziness,  or  the  pure 
love  of  irresponsible  roving.  The  other  per  cent 
is  composed  of  inherent  scalawags  and  moral  per- 
verts. Many  of  them  commit  minor  crimes  reg- 
ularly every  winter  for  no  other  reason  than  to 
be  thrown  into  jail  where  they  are  fed  and 
housed  without  work. 

I  was  only  a  tramp,  Mike,  and  not  much  on 
reasoning,  but  I  could  see  that  if  short  on  one 
line  of  information,  and  twisted  on  one  point, 
Socialists  were  just  as  like  as  not,  warped  on 


THE    UNDER    PUP  57 

everything  else.  Then  I  got  to  arguing  about 
it  with  their  spellbinders  and  reading  the  books 
they  loaned  me.  I  soon  saw  clearly  that,  be- 
sides talking  through  their  hats  on  the  tramp 
question,  there  was  a  lot  of  vital  Socialist  inside 
doctrine  they  always  held  back  in  their  public 
addresses.  Their  speakers  did  not  discuss  the 
moral  and  ethical  side  of  Socialism  publicly. 
Most  of  them  didn't  seem  to  know  there  was  one. 
They  only  expounded  the  industrial,  or  economic 
side.  Now,  Mike,  you're  a  wise  dog,  and  I  tell 
you  this,  that  if  any  Socialist  on  earth  will  go 
before  a  decent,  representative  American  au- 
dience and  explain  the  full  philosophy,  purpose 
and  program  of  international,  so-called,  scientific 
socialism,  as  taught  and  emphasized  by  every 
one  of  their  standard  authorities,  from  Marx, 
Engles,  Bax  and  Bebel,  to  the  fragmentary  ut- 
terances of  Hilquitt,  Herron,  Mills  and  Burger, 
and  is  taken  seriously,  he  will  be  a  lucky  doc- 
trinaire if  he  is  not  run  out  of  town,  or  handed 
a  dose  of  stale  eggs. 

You  will  agree  to  this  later  on.  There  is 
a  lot  more  in  Socialism  than  appears  from  the 
street  corner  yelping  of  the  pack — from  the 
surface.  When  fully  understood,  Socialism  is 
not  a  mere  political  organization  in  the  sense 
in  which  the  Republican  and  Democratic  parties 


58  THE    UNDER   PUP 

are.  The  Democratic  and  Republican  organiza- 
tions are  loyal  to  our  existing  governmental  idea 
• — are  pledged  to  maintain  the  integrity  of  the 
constitution.  No  difference  which  one  of  these 
parties  is  in  power,  no  one  has  any  fear  that  the 
security  of  the  government,  or  the  perpetuity  of 
the  constitution  is  threatened.  But  Socialism  is 
a  bird  of  another  feather.  In  the  United  States 
it  is  a  subsidiary  branch,  or  an  auxiliary,  of  a 
great  international  "world-wide"  organization. 
"The  Social  Democrat"  of  Haverhill,  Mass.,  in 
its  issue  of  July  20,  1901,  explains: 

"There  is  no  such  thing  as  European  or  Amer- 
ican Socialism.  There  is  only  one  kind  of 
Socialism  the  world  over — International  Social- 
ism, which  means  everywhere  the  same,  among 
the  Socialists  of  Haverhill  as  well  as  among  the 
Socialists  of  a  city  of  a  similar  size  in  Germany, 
France,  Belgium  or  England." 

Again,  Mike,  the  Socialist  "state"  platform  in 
every  country,  I  am  told,  "reaffirms  its  adherence 
to  the  principles  of  International  Socialism," 
just  as  a  Republican  state  convention  does  to 
the  principles  of  the  national  organization.  It  is 
a  part  of  the  whole,  but  merely  subsidiary.  The 
seat  of  the  "International  Socialist  Council"  is 
Brussels,  Belgium.  This  council  is  composed  of 
two  delegates  from  each  country  where  Socialism 


THE    UNDER   PUP  59 

has  an  organization.  George  D.  Herron  (muchly 
married  George,  the  Iowa  renegade  preacher 
and  Grinnell  professor  of  applied  Christianity) 
is  the  American  international  secretary.  These 
secretaries  are  the  only  recognized  authority  in 
international  correspondence.  When  the  inter- 
national council  takes  snuff,  the  "International 
Secretaries"  inform  the  socialist  organizations  of 
their  several  countries,  and  then  all  sneeze.  They 
all  let  out  the  same  war  whoop,  coined  at  Brus- 
sels. Nobody  cares  what  American  Socialists 
put  in  their  local  national  platform  to  catch 
squibs  and  suckers  and  gain  votes.  So  long  as 
the  national  organization  reaffirms  its  allegiance 
to  the  principles  of  "International  Socialism," 
what  you  find  in  the  national  platform  of  the 
Socialist  "party"  is  neither  here  nor  there.  They 
cover  only  local  issues  against  "capitalism"  to 
stir  up  class  hatred  and  win  votes  for  Socialism 
on  temporary  claims,  which  may  have  no  relation 
to  the  fundamental  doctrines  of  the  international 
organization. 

The  "International"  Socialist  idea  is  for 
each  national  organization  to  so  trim  its 
platform  and  its  sails  on  local  issues  as  to  gain 
enough  votes  to  ultimately  control  the  govern- 
ment. When  that  is  accomplished,  then  all 
Socialists  are  taught  "capitalism"  will  be  de- 


60  THE    UNDER   PUP 

stroyed,  ripped  up  root  and  branch  and  trampled 
into  the  dust  of  oblivion. 

By  reading  Socialist  standard  authors,  you 
learn  that  "capitalism"  is  the  socialistic  term 
used  to  denote  the  American,  the  English,  the 
German  governmental  idea — the  entire  existing 
economic,  social,  ethical  and  civic  order  the  world 
over. 

You  will  find  further,  that  all  "class  conscious" 
Socialists  think  the  exact  opposite  of  everybody 
else.  Their  basic  doctrines  of  "economic  deter- 
minism," when  explained,  is  that  all  repressive 
laws,  all  governmental  forms,  all  religious  sys- 
tems, and  especially  that  of  Christianity,  to- 
gether with  all  social  and  class  distinctions,  are 
the  result  of  the  struggle  for  food  and  the  control 
of  the  food  supply.  Just  a  plain  question  of 
grub,  no  more,  and  no  higher. 

The  Socialist  idea,  when  clothed  in  every 
day  English,  is  this:  Man  is  an  animal; 
his  entire  struggle  from  the  beginning  has 
been  one  for  existence.  Little  by  little 
a  few  shrewd,  keen,  selfish,  long  headed  scoun- 
drels began  to  corner  the  food  supply.  They 
somehow  got  the  upper  hand  of  the  rest  of  the 
people  (the  roosters  got  the  worm),  and  with 
a  view  to  keeping  it,  organized  a  government. 
The  government  was  framed  solely  in  the  in- 


THE    UNDER    PUP  61 

terest  of  themselves — the  worm  holders.  Every 
law  they  made  was  framed  with  the  sole  view 
of  keeping  the  food  supply  in  their  own  hands, 
and  out  of  the  hands  of  the  other  fellow.  If 
some  chap  from  a  condition  of  poverty  developed 
shrewdness,  and  double  geared  cussedness,  enough 
to  hornswagle  others  out  of  wealth  and  kept  it 
up  till  he  also  became  rich,  he  was  forthwith 
taken  into  the  sacred  capitalistic  class.  Riches 
made  them  all  mean  and  selfish,  and  so  they  sat 
up  nights  devising  plans  by  which  they  could 
make  themselves  richer  and  the  poor  poorer. 
Every  law  they  made  was  with  a  view  to  protect- 
ing property — jails,  penetentiaries,  everything 
were  framed  to  imprison,  coerce  and  enslave  the 
poor — to  keep  the  power  and  wealth  among 
themselves,  they  invented  moncgamic  marriage 
— that  is,  the  life  long  union  of  one  man  and  one 
woman.  Marriage,  they  insist,  was  made  a  sacra- 
ment, and  a  legal  form  had  to  be  signed.  Woman 
was  made  a  chattel — the  property  of  her  hus- 
band. She  was  made  to  live  in  a  home,  where 
she  was  compelled  to  be  true  to  "him  and  rear 
Ms  children,  while  he  was  lord  and  could  do  as 
he  pleased.  To  keep  riches  among  their  descend- 
ents,  the  law  of  inheritance  was  evolved.  So 
the  rich  man's  family  kept  his  riches  and  wielded 
his  proportion  of  public  power,  after  he  had 


62  THE    UNDER   PUP 

shoved  off  this  "mortal  coil."  When  the  poor 
became  dissatisfied  with  their  lot  and  became 
dangerous,  the  capitalistic  high  binders  invented 
religion — the  religion  in  which  the  reward  of 
heaven,  with  its  eternal  imaginary  peace,  its 
streets  of  gold,  its  everlasting  joys  and  song  and 
gladness,  and  angel's  food  and  plenty,  was 
promised  for  a  life  of  patient  submission  and 
self-denial,  while  cries  and  groans,  fire  and 
brimstone  and  smoke,  were  reserved  for  the  dis- 
obedient, world  without  end.  According  to  in- 
ternational socialist  writers,  capitalism  invented, 
and  has  perpetuated  this  religion  with  malice 
aforethought,  which,  working  alternately  on  the 
hopes  and  fears  of  the  poor,  has  greatly  aided 
in  making  them  contented  with  their  unfortunate 
lot.  So  you  see,  Mike,  the  basic  constitutional 
doctrine  of  Socialism  is  "Economic  Determin- 
ism," which  insists  that  religion,  the  family  and 
the  organized  state  are  all  the  result  of  the 
struggle  for  existence — the  forage  for  food,  the 
rooster  race  for  worms.  They  are  all  the  diabolic 
discoveries  and  inventions  of  "capitalism"  in  its 
onward  march  of  villainous  triumph  in  subjugat- 
ing and  enslaving  the  poor — the  weak. 

Now,  Mike,  this  is  one  of  the  most  lurid  flights 
the  human  imagination  ever  took.  It  is  the  most 
cunning  and  subtle  method  of  inciting  the  minds 


THE    UNDER   PUP  63 

of  the  ignorant,  the  derelict  and  vicious,  against 
the  industrious,  the  frugal  and  thrifty,  in  the 
entire  range  of  animal  ingenuity.  It  is  the  most 
ingenious  attack  animals  ever  made  on  the  in- 
stitutions of  men. 

Now,  lest  you  get  it  into  your  noggin  that 
I  am  pipe  dreaming,  I  will  read  a  few  clippings 
I  have  from  the  biggest  kind  of  big  international 
authorities ;  the  fellows  whose  roar  makes  a  noise. 
George  D.  Herron,  in  the  Metropolitan  Maga- 
zine, May  16,  1903: 

"Socialism  begins  with  this:  That  the  history 
of  the  world  has  been  economic.  The  world's 
sentiments  and  religions,  its  laws  and  morals,  its 
art  and  literatures,  are  all  rooted  in  the  struggle 
between  classes  for  the  control  of  the  food  sup- 
pi^  *  *  *  Laws,  creeds,  governments, 
morals  and  arts,  are  chiefly  the  expression  of 
those  who  have  lived  off  of  other  people,  and  who 
have  made  laws  and  religions,  and  arts  and 
morals,  for  the  purpose  of  compelling  these 
others  to  support  them  while  they  should  fight 
or  preach,  or  make  laws  or  write  books." 

George  D.  is  some  pumpkin  as  a  socialist  big 
wig,  Mike.  He  is  the  American  secretary  of 
the  international  organization.  What  he  says 
goes.  When  he  speaks,  tremble. 

Then  again,  The  Appeal  To  Reason,  of 
June  6,  1903,  says: 


64  THE    UNDER   PUP 

"The  economic  conditions  of  any  country,  at 
any  period,  form  the  basis  of  all  human  effort. 
All  social,  political,  legal,  moral  and  religious 
institutions  are  built  upon  the  economic  basis." 

Frederick  Engles  says,  speaking  on  the  same 
point: 

"The  judicial,  philosophical  and  religious 
ideas  are  the  more  or  less  remote  offshoots  of 
the  economic  relations  existing  in  given  society." 

Bax,  in  Ethics  of  Socialism,  puts  it  this  way: 

"The  result  of  economical  revolution  implies 
a  correlative  change  in  the  basis  of  ethics  and 
religion." 

Carl  Marx,  in  Capital,  page  32: 

"Christianity,  with  its  cultus  of  abstract  man, 
more  especially  in  its  bourgeois  (capitalistic)  de- 
velopment, Protestantism,  Deism,  etc.,  is  the 
most  fitting  form  of  religion  in  which  the  present 
mode  of  exchange  of  commodities  takes  place." 

I  will  read  another  inspired  squib  taken  from 
the  Appeal  To  Reason,  of  May  16,  1903,  and 
let  it  go  at  that,  except  to  say  that  every  stand- 
ard socialist  authority  the  world  over  who  says 
anything  at  all  on  the  subject  talks  the  same 
way: 

"A  truth  is  a  truth  for  all  time.  Therefore, 
when  Marx  analyzed  society  and  found  that 
ethics,  morals  and  religions  are  all  products  of 


THE    UNDER    PUP  65 

economic  and  material  conditions,  he  was  able  to 
predict  with  a  certainty  the  future  conduct  of 
society,  even  as  does  the  astronomer  predict  the 
coming  eclipse." 

There  you  have  it,  Mike,  from  the  Simon  pure 
"class  conscious"  fountain  head,  and  on  down 
the  stream  to  our  country  and  our  time  both  from 
voice  of  the  living  and  pen  of  the  dead.  This  is 
a  new  revelation.  With  our  governments,  our 
laws,  our  social  customs,  our  arts,  our  religion, 
God  Almighty  hadn't  a  single  thing  to  do.  The 
author  of  the  whole,  complicated,  far-reaching 
thing,  is  just  the  plain  every  day  fiendish  cussed- 
ness  of  the  idle  rich  in  their  efforts  to  side-track 
the  poor  in  the  heart-breaking  struggle  to  gobble 
the  world's  supply  of  grub,  and  everlastingly 
hang  on  to  it. 

Now,  you  can  see  exactly  how  it  is,  comrade. 
In  the  struggle  for  existence  the  embrio  capital- 
ists organized  a  government,  with  laws,  penalties 
and  prisons,  as  effective  means  by  which  to  pro- 
tect the  high  grading  grabbers  of  the  grub  pile, 
impoverish  and  enslave  the  masses.  As  a  neces- 
sary adjunct  of  the  government  monogamic 
marriage,  religion,  the  whole  ethical  and  moral 
and  social  system  was  spun,  woven,  fashioned 
and  finished  and  the  job  made  complete — simply 
and  solely  to  perpetuate  the  grub  stealing  pro- 


66  THE   UNDER   PUP 

cess.  Shades  of  skinned  wisdom!  Profound 
heighths  of  scientific  rape  seed!  No  wonder  the 
average  socialist  sucker  will  tell  you  that  you 
never  saw  anything  against  marriage,  against  the 
government,  against  religion,  in  the  Socialist 
platform.  You  sure  have  not,  and  you  sure 
never  will.  The  common  voting  sucker  would 
understand  and  back  out  if  you  did.  What  the 
platform  demands,  what  the  agitators  are  taught 
to  demand  is  the  co-operative  ownership  of  all  the 
"means  of  production  and  distribution."  They 
are  taught  to  believe  that  "when  Socialism  gains 
control"  private  ownership  will  cease,  the  indi- 
vidual competitive  struggle  for  existence  will 
merge  into  uniform  co-operative  ownership  of 
all  productive  and  distributive  functions;  that 
nobody  will  go  hungry,  or  homeless,  or  naked, 
because  everybody  will  have  equal  ownership  in 
everything.  That  if  the  world's  supply  of  clothes 
should  get  down  to  one  suit,  all  would  have  equal 
ownership  in  it.  By  that  time  the  cup  of  human 
generosity  would  be  so  large  and  the  milk  of 
human  kindness  so  voluminous  that  each  would 
have  a  chance  to  wear  it  in  turn.  By  that  time 
the  competitive  spirit,  and  selfishness,  will  be  so 
everlastingly  dead  through  socialistic  regenera- 
tion, that  if  there  should  be  but  one  meal  left, 
everybody  would  just  literally  starve  to  death, 


THE    UNDER   PUP  67 

rather  than  eat  it  away  from  anybody  else.  They 
are  taught  to  tell  how  men  are  oppressed,  how 
they  are  enslaved,  how  they  hunger  and  suffer, 
and  freeze  and  starve  under  capitalism,  and  how, 
under  co-operative  socialistic  ownership,  every- 
body will  be  good,  everybody  will  be  unselfish, 
everybody  will  be  noble;  how  everybody,  even 
hoboes  and  derelicts,  will  fill  up  with  heroic 
ginger,  and  have  to  be  just  literally  pried  loose 
from  hard  physical  work;  how  the  spirit  of 
brotherhood,  and  human  fellowship  and  equality, 
will  swell  into  a  rotundancy  that  will  simply 
sweep  caste,  and  class,  and  every  grain  of  pride 
and  aristocratic  snobbery,  into  the  sea  of  utter 
oblivion;  how,  in  the  splendid  changes  that 
will  have  been  worked  the  last  vestige  of  sour 
mash  will  have  been  squeezed  out  of  the  human 
soul  from  outside  pressure,  and  life  will  be  just 
one  long  yum-yum  of  unalloyed  ecstatic  bliss. 

My,  my,  Mike,  but  that  theory  handed  out 
by  a  glib-tongued  picture  painter,  backed  by  a 
soaring  imagination,  would  electrify  an  Egyp- 
tian mummy  and  create  a  socialistic  hallelujah 
stampede  in  every  rock  bound  cell  of  Sing  Sing. 
Get  a  half-baked,  uneducated,  sentimental,  keep- 
his-eye-on-the-boss  chap,  imbued  with  that  sort 
of  economic  soft  soap,  Mike,  and  you  cannot 
pound  common  horse  sense  into  him  with  a  forty- 


68  THE    UNDER   PUP 

ton  pile  driver.  You  can  see  how  the  common 
wage  earner  is  fooled  into  accepting  Socialism 
without  in  any  way  comprehending  its  revolu- 
tionary and  criminal  nature.  If  our  present 
form  of  government  is  the  outgrowth  of  our  sys- 
tem of  economics,  if  our  family  system — mono- 
gamic  marriage — was  cunningly  devised  by 
capitalism  to  strengthen  and  protect  our  com- 
petitive system  of  production  and  distribution; 
if  the  Christian  religion  was  originated  solely  to 
perpetuate  competition,  individual  ownership — 
and  socialist  authors  of  the  international  "class 
conscious"  variety  uniformly  hold  that,  scienti- 
fically, there  can  be  no  shadow  of  dispute  about 
it — then  what?  Why,  it  follows  inevitably,  that 
if  you  change  our  present  economic  system, 
everything  that  supports  it,  or  is  auxiliary  to  it, 
will  also  change.  Replace  the  competitive  sys- 
tem of  production  and  distribution  with  that  of 
co-operative  production  and  distribution,  and 
every  single  thing  connected  with  the  old  system 
as  an  aid,  or  integral  supporting  part,  must  pass 
away  with  it — government  over  men,  religion, 
the  family.  That  is  as  clear  as  unclouded  sky. 
That  is  the  reason  why  Bax,  Bebel,  Engles, 
Marx,  Herron  and  the  whole  brood  of  Socialist 
doctrinaires  insist  that  when  the  Socialist 
"co-operative  commonwealth"  is  established  the 


THE    UNDER    PUP  69 

present  form  of  government  will  "die  out." 
Monogamic  marriage  will  "die  out;"  religion  will 
"die  out." 

It  is  not  necessary  to  fight  religion  openly. 
It  is  not  necessary  to  directly  attack  the  sanctity 
of  marriage.  It  is  not  necessary  to  fill  the  air 
with  treasonable  utterances  against  the  govern- 
ment, though  much  of  that  is  done.  All  that  is 
necessary  is  to  talk  economics,  co-operative 
ownership  versus  individual  ownership.  Lam  it 
to  the  Republicans  and  Democrats.  Tell  what 
wonderful  things  Socialism  has  up  its  sleeve  for 
the  good  of  mankind;  put  out  molasses  to  catch 
flies,  handle  sweet  bait  for  suckers,  then  if  you 
ever  get  in  control  of  the  necessary  offices, 
frame  up  your  co-operative  commonwealth,  con- 
fiscate all  the  means  of  production  and  distribu- 
tion, and  down  goes  the  stars  and  stripes;  every 
function  of  the  existing  government  will  go 
gleaming,  as  all  were  framed  to  protect  and  per- 
petuate capitalism.  The  family  and  the  church 
will  scat  with  the  government,  and  as  there  will 
be  no  laws  "over  men"  every  human  being  can 
do  as  he  pleases.  Am  I  right,  Mike?  What 
say  socialist  authorities?  "Under  Socialism  the 
government  will  have  no  other  function  but  the 
administration  of  the  public  industries.  Social- 
ism is  opposed  to  all  interference  with  the  per- 


70  THE   UNDER   PUP 

sonal  liberties  of  the  people." — Appeal  To 
Reason,  July  11,  1903. 

"The  first  act,  wherein  the  state  appears  as  the 
real  representative  of  the  whole  body  social — 
the  seizure  of  the  means  of  production  in  the 
name  of  society,  is  also  its  last  independent  act 
as  a  state.  The  interference  of  the  state  in  social 
relations  becomes  superfluous  in  one  domain 
after  another,  and  falls  of  itself  into  desuetude. 
The  place  of  a  government  over  persons  is  taken 
by  the  administration  of  things  and  the  conduct 
of  the  processes  of  production.  The  state  is  not 
abolished — it  dies  out" — Frederick  Engles,  in 
Socialism,  Utopian  and  Scientific. 

"For  Socialists — the  existence  of  the  state  in 
a  society  is  bound  up  with  the  existence  of 
classes  in  that  society.  Hence,  this  conclusion: 
Before  classes  came  into  being  there  was  no  state ; 
when  classes  shall  cease  to  exist,  there  will  be  no 
state." — The  State  and  Socialism,  by  Gabriel 
Deville. 

Socialism  means  to  destroy  classism,  Mike. 
The  state  maintains  classism.  Therefore,  the 
state  must  be  destroyed.  The  church  is  the 
bulwark  of  the  state;  the  family  is  the  unit  of 
the  state;  therefore  the  church  and  the  family 
will  be  destroyed  by  Socialism — will  die  with  the 
state.  So  comrade,  Socialism  in  the  United 


THE    UNDER    PUP  71 

States  is  not  a  political  party  under  the  consti- 
tution, as  are  the  Republican  and  Democratic 
parties.  It  is  a  foreign  imported,  disloyal,  revolu- 
tionary, treasonable  force,  ready  to  take  a  per- 
jured oath  of  allegiance  that  it  may  finally  gain 
control  of  the  State  with  the  sole  aim  of  destroy- 
ing it.  It  means  to  undermine  the  constitution 
and  in  its  stead  establish  a  "co-operative  com- 
monwealth" in  which  there  will  no  government 
over  men,  just  an  administration  of  things. 

The  first  and  last  thing  it  will  do  with  the 
government — Socialist  authorities  themselves  be- 
ing its  accusers — if  it  ever  gets  strong  enough 
to  control,  will  be  to  use  it  to  confiscate  all  the 
means  of  production  and  distribution — land 
houses,  factories,  transportation — all — then  twist 
its  neck,  and  celebrate  while  it  dies. 

Any  man,  Mike,  who  loves  the  flag  that  pro- 
tects him,  and  who  honors  the  state  which  makes 
his  home  a  safe  place  in  which  to  live,  who  loves 
his  wife  and  his  bairns,  who  believes  God  reigns 
and  religion  inspires  and  comforts,  who  can 
espouse  the  Socialist  cause  and  vote  its  ticket, 
carries  his  patriotism  in  his  elbows  and  his  brains 
in  his  heels.  If  the  government  arrests  men  for 
national  crime,  Socialists  are  uniformly  for  the 
defendant  in  their  support  and  against  the  gov- 
ernment. This  was  true  in  the  Moyer  and  Hay- 


72 

wood  case  in  Colorado  and  Idaho.  It  was  true 
in  the  McNamara  case.  Notwithstanding  the 
McNamaras  confessed,  the  apologies  of  the 
socialistic  press  for  its  inflammatory  utterances 
and  false  accusations  against  the  authorities 
have  not  been  heard.  Dispatches  from  Los 
Angeles  to  the  Chicago  Tribune,  published  the 
morning  after  the  McNamara  confession,  stated 
that  all  over  Los  Angeles  private  homes  were 
displaying  the  American  flag  as  an  expression 
of  patriotism,  and  in  defiance  of  the  Socialists 
who  had  referred  to  it  in  their  speeches  as  a 
"ten-cent  rag."  The  Socialist  town  committee 
of  Clinton,  Mass.,  as  reported  in  the  Worker 
(N.  Y.),  August  16,  1903,  asked  the  resigna- 
tion of  one  of  its  members,  because  he  had  joined 
the  State  Militia.  Their  reason  given  for  the 
action  was  that  a  man  could  not  be  a  member  of 
the  Massachusetts  State  Militia  and  loyal  to  the 
world-wide  Socialist  movement  at  the  same  time. 
No,  comrade,  when  you  examine  the  Socialist 
banner,  you  will  find  it  minus  the  stars  and 
stripes.  I  am  a  hobo,  Mike,  but  I'll  be  hanged 
if  I'm  a  Socialist,  or  a  Socialist  sympathizer. 
No,  comrade,  I've  no  sympathy  with  treason  and 
sedition,  when  it  comes  to  the  government.  Son, 
•J'm  not  yaller. 


TALK  FOUR 

IF  THERE  is  any  one  thing  that  makes  me  good 
and  tired;  anything  that  disgusts  me  with  my 
kind,  hobo  as  I  am;  anything  that  makes  my 
blood  run  hot — makes  me  want  to  walk  on  four 
legs  and  be  in  the  running  with  a  decent  high- 
class  dog  like  you,  Mike,  it  is  a  gang  of  thieving 
shirking  yaps  like  that  working  here  this  week. 

Every  one  of  them  insists  on,  and  receives  the 
wages  of  an  expert  workman,  and  the  only  real 
interest,  anybody  can  see,  that  he  takes  in  the 
game,  is  nailing  the  job  and  collecting  his  pay. 
He  may  begin  the  day's  work  five  to  ten  minutes 
late,  and  if  there  is  any  possible  way  to  figure 
it  out,  he  generally  does;  but  no  one  ever  saw 
him  try  to  make  up  the  time  at  the  other  end 
of  the  line.  If  his  hammer  was  raised  in  mid-air 
to  drive  a  nail  and  the  dinner  whistle  blew,  he'd 
leave  it  sticking  in  the  wind,  if  he  could,  and 
climb  down  off  of  the  job. 

The  labor  union  is  a  good,  and  a  necessary 
thing,  but  it  should  have  an  added  aim  to  that 
of  merely  combining  working  men  in  the  effort 
to  increase,  and  maintain,  a  satisfactorily  increas- 
ing scale  of  wages.  It  should  also  raise  the 
standard  of  labor  efficiency.  A  union  card  ought 

73 


74  THE    UNDER   PUP 

to  carry  with  it  a  guarantee  to  any  employer  of 
labor  that  the  man  who  holds  it  is  a  high-class, 
efficient,  industrious,  painstaking  workman,  whose 
employment  means,  always  a  square  deal.  Lazy, 
tricky,  shirking,  careless  workmen  should  not  be 
accepted  as  members  in  the  union,  nor  should 
those  of  dissipated  habits.  You  can  see,  Mike, 
how  a  lot  of  rules  like  these,  rigidly  enforced, 
would  raise  the  union  standard,  and  exalt  the 
union.  It  would  only  be  a  question  of  time 
when  men  who  want  the  most  satisfactory  and 
reliable,  as  well  as  efficient  service,  would  go  to 
the  union  to  get  it.  The  unions  would  then 
begin  to  have  a  prestige  and  influence  of  which 
to  be  honestly  proud.  If  I  had  work  to  do  and 
knew  that  the  employment  of  union  men  was 
a  guarantee  that  they  would  perform  the  service 
for  me,  with  all  the  care  and  industry  they  would, 
were  they  personally  and  financially  interested 
themselves,  there  is  no  question  about  my  apply- 
ing to  the  union  for  the  number  of  men  desired ; 
nor  for  that  type  of  work  would  there  be  serious 
quibble  as  to  the  scale  of  wages.  Seventy-five 
per  cent  of  employers  are  willing  to  pay  a  satis- 
factory wage  scale  for  satisfactory  work  done. 
High-class  pay  for  low-class  work  is  the  nip  of 
the  conflict.  But  when  the  union  demands  the 
highest  scale  of  wages  for  inefficient  men;  when 


THE   UNDER   PUP  75 

it  will  not  allow  employers  to  weed  out  the  in- 
different and  shirking  element;  when  its  laws 
will  not  allow  intelligence  and  skill,  quality  and 
volume  of  output  to  count  in  a  workman's  favor ; 
and  when  it  shuts  slap  down  on  piece  work,  the 
standard  of  justice  is  warped,  the  incentive  to 
advancement  is  destroyed,  and  the  union  stands 
in  the  way  of  progress.  I  was  an  efficient  and 
skillful  workman  long  enough  to  see  that  fact 
emphasized  so  forcibly  that  it  could  not  be  de- 
nied. I  know  the  scheme  was  a  charitable  in- 
vention in  the  interest  of  the  weak  brother,  but 
it  took  from  him  all  incentive  to  study,  all  am- 
bition to  improve,  and  worked  an  inexcusable 
injustice  to  the  inherently  better  men.  And, 
Mike,  on  that  point  has  hinged  a  very  large  per 
cent  of  the  dissatisfaction  of  employers,  and 
much  of  their  trouble  with  union  labor. 

Bill  Jones  and  Tom  King  each  farms  a  piece 
of  land  of  equal  fertility  and  size.  Tom  works 
the  hardest,  cultivates  the  more  systematically, 
selects  his  seed  with  greater  care,  and  cares  for 
his  crops  the  more  scientifically.  Nature  gives 
him  the  richer  reward.  What  right  has  Bill  to 
kick  anybody  but  himself?  If  he  has  ambition 
and  horse  sense,  he  will  go  to  studying,  and  plan- 
ning, and  working,  to  make  his  next  year's  crop 
equal,  or  surpass,  that  of  his  neighbor,  Tom. 


76  THE    UNDER   PUP 

Nature,  in  all  her  departments,  yields  the  richer 
returns  to  the  man  who  operates  with  the  great- 
est industry  and  the  most  skill.  It  is  only  even 
justice  that  the  same  law  should  govern  in  the 
world  of  industry.  Put  a  premium  on  brains  and 
application,  not  on  ignorance  and  indolence;  on 
ambition  and  perseverance,  not  on  indifference 
and  carelessness. 

I  have  never  seen  a  time  when  I  could  not 
get  work  if  I  wanted  it,  nor  keep  a  job  if  I 
would  work.  The  trouble  with  most  of  my  kind 
— the  idle,  down  and  out  brood — is,  we  exercise 
more  ingenuity  to  evade  work  than  we  do  to 
find  it.  I  was  never  fired  from  a  job  for  effi- 
ciency and  industry.  It  was  always  for  shirking 
and  carelessness.  No,  Mike,  I  have  noticed  for 
years  that  the  evergreen  gang  on  the  street 
corners,  and  loafing  around  the  towns,  yowling 
about  there  being  no  work,  scatter  like  mice  when 
a  good  lusty  job  comes  bowling  around  the  cor- 
ner. I  have  seen  a  gang  of  Greeks  and  Italians 
constructing  a  sewer  system,  building  a  bridge, 
laying  water  mains  or  paving  streets,  and  a 
crowd  of  American  loafers — twenty  to  forty 
strong — standing  around  cursing  the  country, 
villifying  "capitalism,"  and  swearing  there  was 
nothing  ahead  for  "decent"  men  but  wretched- 
ness and  want.  The  moment  somebody  offered 


THE    UNDER    PUP  77 

them  work  they  had  business  somewhere  else. 
In  the  winter  time,  when  most  outdoor  opera- 
tions are  necessarily  discontinued,  their  wailings 
are  the  loudest,  but  even  then  most  of  them  can 
find  something  to  do  if  they  will  get  out  and 
hunt  for  it. 

Socialists  insist  that  every  man  is  entitled  to 
what  he  creates  and  no  more.  That  he  who  takes 
what  others  create  is  a  thief.  That  what  Social- 
ism wants  is,  not  charity,  but  justice.  Now, 
what  I'd  like  to  know  is,  what  would  Socialism 
do  with  the  loafing  crowd  that  won't  create — 
that  won't  work.  They  beg,  and  sponge,  and 
borrow,  and  steal,  their  living  off  of  others  under 
capitalism.  They  would  do  the  same  under  any 
system  unless  actually  forced  to  work.  Would 
Socialism  take  from  the  workers,  who  do  create, 
to  supply  the  shirkers  and  vagrants  who  do  not? 
If  it  would,  then  conditions  would  not  be  greatly 
improved,  as  the  creating  class  would  have  to 
divide  up  with  the  non-creating.  If  they  did 
it  willingly,  they  would  be  dispensing  charity — 
a  thing  which  Socialists  say  is  unsocialistic.  If 
they  did  it  through  coercion,  then  Socialism 
would  contradict  itself  again.  It  would  exercise 
"government  over  men" — interfere  with  the 
rights  and  will  of  the  individual.  If  it  would 
not  support  them  through  methods  of  charity, 


78  THE    UNDER   PUP 

or  the  coercion  of  the  workers  to  divide,  then  it 
would  turn  them  out  to  starve.  That,  again, 
would  be  carrying  one  of  the  inhuman  principles 
of  capitalism  over  into  Socialism.  If  it  would 
compel  them  to  adopt  the  practice  of  creative 
industry  then  once  more  Socialism  would  adopt 
the  capitalistic  principle  of  a  government  over 
men,  and  be  as  villainous  as  capitalism.  On 
either  horn  of  the  dilemma  it  would  kick  the 
critter  in  the  eye  and  be  tossed  off  into  the  mud. 
But  since  "International  Socialism"  bases  the 
"co-operative  commonwealth"  idea  on  the  con- 
stitutional principle  that  there  is  to  be  "no  gov- 
ernment over  men — only  an  administration  of 
things,"  maybe  things  are  to  have  the  same  in- 
telligence and  volition  under  Socialism  that  men 
have  under  capitalism.  About  everything  else 
is  to  be  revolutionized  and  reversed.  In  that 
event  all  that  will  be  necessary  will  be  for  the 
administrators  of  "things"  to  order  all  sorts  of 
good  grub  to  walk  out  of  the  common  store  and 
feed  itself  to  hoboes  and  derelicts,  and  it  will  bow 
and  obey.  Sounds  ridiculous,  don't  it,  comrade? 
But  everything  in  Socialism,  when  reduced  to 
its  last  analysis,  is  ridiculous — and  sometimes  a 
good  deal  worse. 

But  we  are  told  that  under  Socialism  human 
nature  will  be  so  radically  regenerated  that  even 


THE    UNDER    PUP  79 

the  former,  idle  sons  of  pampered  wealth,  with 
tramps  and  all  sorts,  will  get  down  on  their  knees 
and  fairly  cry  for  work.  To  a  man  with  an 
"unsocialized  mind,"  Mike,  this  fish  is  full  of 
bones.  Being  a  figment  of  pure  socialistic  imag- 
ination, however,  unregenerate  plutocrats  like 
your  pard  are  too  enslaved  to  the  vagaries  and 
precedents  of  history  to  do  it  justice.  Even 
after  long,  intimate  and  neighborly  association 
with  some  of  the  most  thoroughly  ingrained 
"class  conscious"  Socialists,  this  angelic  element 
is,  as  yet,  as  he  sees  it,  a  minute  and  embriotic 
quantity  among  the  rank  and  file.  Perhaps  this 
deficiency  up  to  date  should  be  attributed  to  en- 
vironment, a  sort  of  arrested  development,  so  to 
speak,  superinduced  by  the  unregenerate  gross- 
ness  of  capitalistic  methods  of  preparing  and 
gobbling  their  grub.  Anyhow,  the  espousal  of 
socialistic  principles  so  far,  seems  to  have  the 
exact  opposite  effect.  It  seems  to  inoculate  the 
subject  with  an  unconquerable  desire  for  much 
less  work  and  a  heap  more  pay.  It  is  not  so 
much  of  a  cry  for  greater  skill  and  efficiency 
that  he  puts  up  as  it  is  one  of  exaggerated  ego. 
Now,  take  this  gang  of  industrial  warps,  whose 
loitering  work  here  this  week  started  this  spell 
of  wind  jamming.  They  would  be  shirkers, 
growlers  and  incompetents,  under  any  industrial 


80  THE    UNDER   PUP 

system.  They  would  insist  on  more  than  they 
earn  under  Socialism  as  they  do  now.  They 
would  spend  their  time  checks  on  self-indulgence 
instead  of  for  substantial  comforts  for  the  future 
then  as  they  do  now.  They  would  be  small  and 
selfish  and  mean  under  any  system,  because  their 
natures  are  small  and  selfish  and  mean.  The 
more  you  would  do  for  them,  the  more  they 
would  expect.  They  would  be  small  frogs  in 
any  pond.  The  more  license  and  less  restraint, 
the  more  pay  and  the  less  work,  Socialism  offers, 
the  better  it  will  suit  them  and  the  tighter  they 
will  stick  to  it.  The  freer  and  cheaper  grog 
will  be,  the  better  they  will  like  the  system. 
Nothing  short  of  complete  spiritual  regeneration 
could  even  phaze  them;  and  that  could  not  be 
affected  with  a  pile  driver  from  the  outside.  A 
classical  education  would  only  equip  them  with 
facilities  for  the  more  refined  exercise  of  gross 
selfish  qualities. 

Down  in  Egypt,  thousands  of  years  ago,  when 
he  was  mostly  snout,  tusks  and  warts,  rooted  in 
the  ground,  wallowed  in  the  mire,  ate  all  manner 
of  filth,  murdered  and  ate  his  own  kind,  he  was 
known  as  a  swine.  Now  when  his  remote  prog- 
eny has  developed  into  a  Poland  China,  fat 
and  round  and  handsome  and  sleek,  with  less 
snout,  fewer  warts,  shorter  tusks,  and  a  much 


THE    UNDER    PUP  81 

more  "refined  air,"  he  still  roots  in  the  ground, 
wallows  in  the  mire,  kills  and  devours  his  own 
kind,  revels  in  filth,  and  is,  in  every  essential 
phase  of  his  nature,  a  swine. 

No  siree,  Mike,  with  all  your  high  breeding 
and  scientific  feeding,  you  cannot  do  much  for 
the  inherent  nature  of  a  hog.  You  can  change 
his  appearance  by  feeding  and  breeding  but  you 
cannot  change  his  appetite,  his  basic  instinct,  nor 
his  smell. 

Men  boast  of  their  culture,  their  progress, 
their  Christian  refinement,  through  generations 
of  education  and  training.  It  is  a  fine  veneer 
over  the  inherent  savage,  and  gives  polish  and 
finish  to  normal  social  life,  but  when  a  black 
man  commits  an  outrage  on  a  white  woman,  the 
savage  in  men  jumps  through  thousands  of  years 
of  culture,  and  his  screams  and  pain,  as  they  burn 
him  at  the  stake,  only  increase  their  demoniacal 
joy.  That  large  spice  of  the  savage,  inherited 
from  primitive  man,  is  still  there ;  and  in  moments 
of  hunger,  avarice,  malice,  anger,  and  social  up- 
heaval, it  springs  to  the  surface  and  wipes  away 
the  civilized  veneer  as  flames  do  the  beauty  of 
the  forest.  Rosseau's  socialistic  writings  set 
aflame  the  fires  of  revolution  in  the  mercurial 
heart  of  France.  Oppression  and  hunger  in- 
spired men  to  overthrow  existing  conditions  by 


82  THE    UNDER   PUP 

revolution,  and  action  at  once  began.  The  sav- 
age instincts  of  the  rabble  ran  to  the  surface, 
and  with  no  moral  standard,  save  that  of  lust, 
ambition,  hate  and  appetite,  the  French  Revo- 
lution raged  for  ten  years.  The  lust  for  blood 
and  power  made  France  a  theatre  of  terror  and 
pillage,  and  the  reign  of  the  Goddess  of  Reason 
formed  the  bloodiest  and  most  revolting  page  in 
human  history.  It  was  a  nightmare  of  savage 
and  beastly  cruelty,  all  done  in  the  name  of  a 
common  citizenship,  common  brotherhood,  and 
the  leveling  of  unequal  social  and  economic  con- 
ditions. It  is  not  a  long  stretch  of  imagination, 
Mike,  from  "citizone"  in  France  to  "comrade" 
in  America,  nor  a  sure  white  page  in  human  up- 
lift, when  the  mob  rules  in  the  twentieth  century, 
impelled  to  action  under  the  genius  of  Carl 
Marx,  and  the  rule  of  the  mob  in  the  eighteenth 
century,  under  the  inspiration  of  Rosseau  and 
Robespierre. 

Some  of  these  evenings  I  will  read  to  you  what 
Carl  Schurz  said  of  his  first  meeting  with  Carl 
Marx,  and  how  Marx  turned  an  entire  conven- 
tion of  European  democrats  against  himself  and 
his  theories,  because  of  his  dogmatic,  vicious  and 
uncompromising  nature. 

It  is,  in  intellectual  and  moral  life,  as  it  is  in 
the  physical.  You  are  an  Aredale  Scotch  terrier 


i 


THE    UNDER   PUP  83 

because  your  ancestors  were,  and  you  have  the 
nature  of  an  Aredale  and  not  that  of  a  bull  dog 
or  a  spaniel.     I  am  a  white  man  because  my 
ancestors  were,  and  I  think  and  live  differently 
from  other  races  for  the  same  reason.    All  the 
cults  that  start  up,  Mike,  appeal  to  like  tempera- 
ments as  their  leaders,  and  the  disciple  thinks 
and  acts  as  does  his  master.     John  Alexander 
Dowie  drew  to  himself,  as  disciples,  the  same 
mental  type  as  himself.    He  dreamed  of  world- 
wide power.    So  did  they.    He  healed  disease,  he 
said,  by  prayer.     So  did  they.     If  his  patient 
failed  to  get  well,  he  laid  it  on  the  patient,  not 
on  the  lack  of  efficacy  in  his  system,  nor  power  in 
himself.    They  did  the  same.    If  others  claimed 
to  heal  diseases  by  prayer,  or  mental  methods,  he 
said  it  was  of  the  devil.    His  disciples  sang  the 
same  song.    The  self  same  sufficient  spirit  domi- 
nates every  other  cult.    This  is  a  "soleful"  age, 
pard,  but  you  will  learn  that  physically,  you  will 
be  sure  to  find  that  you  can  tell  every  man's  cult 
by  the  shape  of  his  block.     Carl  Marx  was  a 
dominating  spirit.     He  wanted  a  harmonious 
brotherhood.    But  all  the  surrendering  and  har- 
monizing must  be  by  others  to  him.    He  could 
endure  no  criticism  from  others,  but  impugned 
the  motive,  and  attributed  only  villainy,  or  dense 
ignorance,  to  all  who  differed  from  him  or,  in  any 


84  THE    UNDER   PUP 

way,  crossed  his  path.  I  have  found  it  the  same 
with  his  followers.  I  do  not  blame  them,  Mike, 
they  are  like  their  master  and  cannot  help  it. 
"Like  priest,  like  people."  True  thousands  of 
years  ago,  true  today,  and  true  a  thousand 
years  hence. 

But  the  trouble  is,  Mike,  that  we  so  uni- 
formly— men,  not  dogs — mistake  the  inherent 
nature  of  our  kind.  Some  men  are  born  to  push 
ahead,  to  dominate,  to  rule.  They  have  the  cumu- 
lative faculty.  Others  are  not  endowed  with 
these  qualities,  and  for  lack  of  them  are  under- 
lings. Take  the  great  captains  of  industry  like 
Walter  Case.  They  are  what  the  wise  guys  call 
"dominating  personalities."  Wherever  they  go 
they  rule.  When  they  go  fishing  they  bait  for 
whales.  When  they  go  hunting  it  must  be  lions, 
tigers,  elephants,  bear,  buffalo,  or  nothing.  You 
and  I,  Mike,  are  satisfied  with  grouse,  squirrels, 
rabbits,  chipmunks  and  Socialists.  We  naturally 
tackle  things  in  nature  of  our  own  size.  That  is 
human  nature,  and  human  nature  seems  to  be  a 
bug  that  Carl  Marx  overlooked. 

Now  there  is  Walter  Case,  for  instance.  Start 
him  in  with  a  cigar  store  or  an  ice  cream  stand. 
Inside  of  five  years,  his  place  of  business  will 
be  a  department  store.  Give  a  man  of  his  genius 
a  dray  line  and  he  will  develop  into  a  street  car 


THE    UNDER   PUP  85 

magnate.  Put  any  one  of  that  gang  of  Denver 
Socialist  agitators,  in  the  peanut  stand,  and  he 
will  eat  the  peanuts,  and  go  bankrupt  inside  of 
two  months.  Give  an  average  tramp  the  dray 
line  and  in  six  months  he  will  mortgage  it  to 
his  boarding  house,  or  to  a  saloon.  More  likely 
to  a  saloon. 

If  Walter  Case  was  in  politics  he  would  be  a 
governor  or  United  States  senator.  As  it  is,  he 
can  command  in  the  field  of  industrial  enter- 
prise. In  whatever  pond  he  swims  he  will  be 
a  big  fish.  Get  your  Socialist  Common- 
wealth established,  where  everything  is  owned 
by  the  state  and  private  industrial  enterprise 
knocked  out,  and  he  and  his  type  will  turn  from 
industrial  activity  to  politics,  and  in  the  end, 
dominate  the  state.  In  that  event,  the  Socialist 
leaders  of  today,  so  much  inferior  in  dominating 
genius,  will  be  crowded  and  shouldered  out  and 
likely  be  put  to  cleaning  streets  and  sewerage 
vaults.  By  the  side  of  men  like  Walter  Case, 
that  is  about  their  size.  No  sir,  Mike,  you  can't 
make  a  Napoleon  out  of  a  hod  carrier,  a  mil- 
lionaire of  a  spendthrift,  nor  a  statesman  out  of 
a  narrow  gauge  agitator. 

Many  of  the  captains  of  industry  were  once 
hired  help.  They  saved  a  few  dollars,  saw  a 
chance,  buckled  their  belts  a  notch  tighter,  and 


86  THE    UNDER   PUP 

at  once  climbed  into  the  band  wagon  of  progress. 
The  fellows  who,  like  those  chaps  here  today, 
shut  their  eyes  to  the  future,  and  keep  them 
open  to  appetite,  invariably  fall  into  the  de- 
pendent class,  and  finally  sour  on  all  kinds  of 
work.  They  now  hope  to  become  rich  by  turning 
the  state  over  to  Socialism,  which  will  confiscate 
the  property  which  the  frugal  and  prudent  have 
accumulated,  and  turn  it  back  to  the  public, 
which,  they  fondly  imagine,  means  themselves. 

It  is  a  wild  dream,  Mike,  and  will  come  true 
when  black  birds  turn  white.  The  real  facts  in 
the  case  are,  that  a  gang  like  that  couldn't  run 
a  dray  line  successfully,  much  less  the  affairs  of 
state.  Their  past  and  present  history  proves  it. 
Self-indulgence  has,  so  far,  hindered  them  from 
getting  a  business  big  enough  for  even  one  of 
them  to  run  alone;  and  were  it  not  for  the  big 
men,  of  brains  and  constructive  ability,  whose 
business  gets  so  large  that  they  must  have  help, 
the  most  of  that  crowd  would  go  to  the  poorhouse 
or  starve  to  death.  And  under  Socialism  it 
would  be  the  same  way.  The  men  who  now  con- 
trol the  industrial  world  would  go  into  politics 
and  run  the  state,  or  it  would  fail  to  be  a  success. 
If  placed  in  the  hands  of  our  gang,  you  and  I 
included,  we  would  tear  things  to  shreds,  drop 
back  into  savagery,  or  famish. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  87 

Socialists  are  full  of  statistics.  They  get 
them  out  of  their  heads — and  what  a  blessed 
thing  it  is,  Mike,  that  they  manage  to  get  them 
out. 

Just  the  other  day  one  of  the  cult,  in  ex- 
plaining Socialism  in  one  of  the  magazines, 
stated  that  in  normally  good  times  in  this  coun- 
try there  are  ninety  thousand  men  unemployed. 
There  is  no  such  number  out  of  employment  who 
want  to  work.  That  statement  of  ninety  thou- 
sand out  of  work  in  prosperous  times  is  not 
"statistics."  It  is  superheated  imagination.  I 
am  one  of  the  men  out  of  work  all  the  time.  I, 
a  tramp,  find  it  easier  to  beg.  Ninety-five  per 
cent  of  the  rest  are  like  me.  You  could  not  drive 
them  into  steady  employment  with  a  gatling  gun. 
They  are  in  the  free  soup  line  every  winter.  The 
reason  is,  they  loaf  and  dodge  work  all  sum- 
mer. Facts  are  facts,  and  we  might  as  well  stick 
to  them.  There  is  hunger  among  thousands  of 
women  and  children.  But  if  the  government 
would  force  all  the  able-bodied  men  to  work,  and 
then  compel  them  to  spend  the  money  for  the 
necessities  of  their  families,  instead  of  in  sheer 
dissipation  and  extravagance  on  themselves, 
there  would  be  a  mighty  sudden  end  to  much  of 
this  vaunted  misery  "among  the  workers."  This 
is  treason — to  Socialism — Mike,  but  it  is  ever- 
lastingly correct. 


TALK  FIVE 

THIS  is  a  great  letter  you  brought  up  from 
the  post  office  this  evening,  Mike.  It  is  not 
addressed  to  Bill  Sykes,  the  bum,  but  to  "Mr. 
William  S.  LeClaire,  the  Custodian  of  Pine 
Wood  Resort."  Sounds  better,  don't  it,  old  man? 
Sort  of  high  falutin*  and  aristocratic,  eh?  Well, 
comrade,  in  the  old  days,  that  was  a  "name  to 
conjure  with"  as  Shakespeare  says,,  It  is  the 
real  name  my  folks  gave  me.  The  one  I  had 
when  a  boy;  the  one  I  gave  to  Betty  when  I  was 
decent,  and  respectable,  and  industrious,  and 
when  we  stood  up  before  the  parson  and  had  the 
knot  tied;  the  one  Betty  and  the  babies  were  so 
proud  of  at  first.  The  one  I  acted  the  fool  and 
let  liquor  step  in  and  cover  with  infamy  and  dis- 
grace. The  one  Betty's  folks  repudiated  when, 
hungry  and  careworn,  they  took  her  home,  and 
sent  me  degraded,  and  empty  of  self-respect  and 
manly  honor,  out  into  the  world  and  on  the  vag. 
I  did  not  blame  them  then,  and  I  do  not  blame 
them  now.  I,  alone,  was  to  blame.  I  had  lost 
all  courage,  and  all  hope,  till  Walter  Case,  good 
old  Walt,  got  hold  of  me,  and  told  me  that  if  I'd 
quit  acting  the  fool,  and  straighten  up,  he  would 


THE    UNDER    PUP  89 

help  me  win  it  back  and  make  good.    I  promised, 
and  I'll  stick  to  it,  if  it  breaks  a  strap. 

He  gave  me  the  first  decent  suit  of  clothes 
I've  had  for  ten  years,  and  sent  me  up  to  this 
mountain  home  to  make  the  new  start.  And 
now,  to  write  this  letter  in  the  old  genial,  com- 
rady  way,  call  me  his  "Dear  friend"  and  "Old 
schoolmate,"  and  say  such  chummy,  pleasant 
things;  and  just  inclose  a  draft  for  one  hundred 
round  plunks  without  saying  why,  then  add,  "If 
you  need  more  draw  on  me  at  the  bank."  Need 
more,  Mike?  Well  I  should  say  not.  Why  we 
don't  need  even  this.  The  old  scallywag  knew 
it  too.  He  knows  this  cabin  is  crammed  with 
the  finest  the  market  affords — more  than  we  can 
eat  in  a  year.  He  just  thought  I  would  need 
a  tonic,  along  about  this  time,  and  sent  it  to 
meet  the  demand.  And  it  sure  does — the  big, 
generous  son  of  a  sea-cook!  Why,  it  is  more 
money  than  I  have  seen  at  one  time  in  ten  years. 
If  this  ain't  combing  your  hair  with  silver  and 
brushing  it  with  gold,  I'm  a  cow  puncher  in  the 
city  of  New  York,  roaring  drunk.  Hang  it  all, 
old  chap,  I  believe  if  I  had  Betty  and  the  babies 
back  I  could  be  a  man  once  more.  Let's  see. 
I've  not  tasted  gin  for  three  months — have 
hardly  thought  of  it.  This  mountain  air,  these 
regular  meals,  these  decent  clothes,  these  weekly 


90  THE    UNDER   PUP 

baths,  tri-weekly  shaves,  shined  shoes,  clean  bed 
and  snappy  books  to  read,  with  this  knowing  you 
are  trusted,  and  trusted  fully  with  the  care  of 
valuable  property,  is  a  show-down  to  the  Keeley 
Cure,  or  a  straight  flush  over  a  deuce  pair,  nine 
games  out  of  ten. 

Just  suppose  we  surprise  Betty  and  the  kids, 
by  sending  this  draft  back  to  the  Major  Domo 
of  the  orphans'  school  where  she  teaches,  and 
where  they  are  being  educated.  Tell  him  to  hand 
it  over  to  her,  and  tell  her  that  I  got  it  clean 
handed,  and  send  it  to  them,  as  it  is  more  theirs, 
than  mine.  And  tell  her,  for  further  inform- 
ation, to  see  Walter  Case,  the  whitest  man  in 
Tennessee.  If  I  can  keep  up  the  gait  we  have 
been  going  the  last  three  months,  Mike,  for  two 
years,  and  Walt  Case  will  stand  by  and  sort 
of  steady  my  nerves,  I'll  have  a  good  many  hun- 
dred simoleons  to  hand  over  to  the  chicks.  When 
I  get  the  letter  writ,  and  in  the  mail,  I  will  rest 
easy  and  stay  more  like  a  man  than  if  I  keep  it. 
One  thing  I've  always  noticed,  Mike,  is,  a  full 
pocket  and  a  rotten  appetite  are  not  conducive 
to  future  temperate  habits  in  an  old  bum. 

One  hundred  plunks  for  Betty,  instead  of 
booze  for  myself.  That  means  sleeping  in  bed 
instead  of  in  the  ditch.  I'll  fool  Betty,  I'll  fool 
Walter  Case,  for  he  had  no  notion  I  could  stay 


THE    UNDER   PUP  91 

sober.  And  I'll  fool  my  stomach,  with  grub  in- 
stead of  grog,  and  let  my  conscience  enjoy  the 
joke.  You  see,  Mike,  I'm  going  to  move  along 
your  plane  after  this.  I'm  going  to  quit,  just 
dreaming  and  resoluting  my  morals,  and  try  liv- 
ing them,  as  dogs  do.  If  you  don't  watch  out, 
old  chap,  I  will  be  as  correct  and  decent,  in  my 
habits,  before  long,  as  you  are.  I've  always 
imagined  I  had  more  brains  than  you,  but  my 
mental  machinery  had  too  many  screws  loose  and 
cogs  broken  for  steady  moral  speed.  And  a 
fellow  in  my  fix,  morally  measured,  always  has 
a  piece  of  gum  elastic  for  a  conscience,  and  a 
tow  string  for  a  backbone. 

But  studying  the  social  problem  has  sort  of 
woke  me  up.  It  has  taught  me  two  things. 

First,  that  you  can't  change  human  nature  by 
changing  the  law,  nor  by  changing  environment. 
Dogs  catch  fleas  from  each  other,  not  cleanliness 
and  good  health.  Reform  comes  from  within, 
not  from  without.  You  cannot  reform  men  by 
an  appeal  to  their  appetites  and  passions,  nor  by 
changing  their  associations.  A  swine  is  a  swine 
in  a  pig  pen  or  in  a  parlor.  He  will  wallow 
in  the  one  and  pollute  the  other.  It  is  disease 
that  is  catching,  not  health. 

The  second,  is  that  Socialism  'does  not  take 
inherent  human  nature  into  consideration,  in 


92  THE    UNDER   PUP 

dealing  with  governmental  and  economic  prob- 
lems, at  any  point  of  the  game.  I've  seen  men 
work  for  $12.00  a  week,  pay  for  a  home  and  lay 
up  money.  I've  seen  others  in  the  same  town 
work  for  $18  or  $20  a  week,  with  no  larger 
family,  and  live  on  the  ragged  edges,  year  in  and 
year  out.  I  saw  it  was  in  the  man,  and  not  in 
the  size  of  the  wage  scale,  that  made  the  differ- 
ence in  human  affairs  every  time. 

I've  seen  skilled  workmen  and  salesmen  get 
$100  to  $150  a  month,  and  never  save  a  sou. 
And  I've  seen  what  were  called  inferior  men, 
work  for  the  same  firm  for  $75  to  $90  a  month, 
dress  fully  as  well,  and  add  to  their  bank  account 
every  pay  day.  The  reason  was,  I  ken,  one  had 
the  cumulative  faculty,  the  other  the  self  indulg- 
ent and  spendthrift  habit.  The  one  is  a  happy-go- 
lucky  now,  and  will  be  poor  and  careworn  in 
old  age.  The  other  is  frugal  and  saving  now, 
but  will  whistle,  "Every  day  is  Sunday,"  in  the 
frosty  season  when  the  snowflakes  fly. 

It  is  the  squirrel  that  stores  up  nuts  in  the 
fall,  that  houses  comfortably  in  the  winter,  and 
comes  out  fat  and  chipper  in  the  spring.  The 
one  that  idles  and  plays  in  the  fall  must  rob 
others,  dig  in  the  snow,  or  starve  in  the  winter. 
Men  and  squirrels  are  both  subject  to  the  same 
law. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  93 

I  saw  a  boy  down  in  Nebraska,  on  top  of  a 
corn  crib  with  corn  in  his  arms,  calling,  "Piggy, 
Plggy >  piggy-"  The  pigs  ran  round  and  round, 
grunted,  begged  and  squealed,  and  never  saw  the 
boy  nor  the  corn.  They  just  kept  their  eyes  on 
the  ground.  He  then  called,  "Chickie,  chickie, 
chickie."  Before  he  had  said  "Chickie"  the  last 
time  the  crib  was  covered  with  all  sorts  and  sizes 
taking  the  corn  from  his  hand. 

The  trouble  with  so  many  of  the  human  race 
is,  like  pigs,  they  spend  their  time  grunting  and 
squealing  and  refuse  to  look  up.  No  one  throws 
them  grain.  If,  like  chickens,  they'd  look  up, 
they'd  cackle,  fly  and  get  the  corn.  For  ten 
years,  Mike,  I,  Bill  Sykes  LeClaire,  have  done 
nothing  but  look  down,  and  all  the  time  I 
needed  corn. 

There  are  a  mighty  lot  of  men,  as  you've 
noticed,  comrade — and  they  are  not  all  tramps 
by  a  long  shot — who  will  not  work  till  hunger 
and  nakedness  drive  them  to  the  task.  If  there 
were  no  criminal  laws,  no  individual  property 
rights,  no  jails,  no  penitentiaries,  no  government 
over  men,  and  no  punishment  for  vagrancy,  they 
never  would  work.  They'd  get  what  they  want 
by  pure  brute  force,  or  by  straight  out  theft. 

Under  a  "Socialist  Commonwealth,"  as 
planned  by  the  Marx  crew,  where  everybody 


94  THE    UNDER    PUP 

owns  everything,  and  where  there  are  no  criminal 
or  vagrant  laws  in  the  way,  that  gang  would  be 
in  clover.  They  would  everlastingly  rule  the 
roost.  Plenty  of  grub,  comfortable  homes  and 
easy  circumstances  never  have  yet  made  men 
angelic.  Some  of  the  most  criminally  inclined, 
and  villainous  in  spirit,  are  the  minions  of  high, 
easy  life.  Nor  do  men  have  to  belong  to  the  capi- 
talistic class  to  be  social  and  moral  buccaneers. 
There  is  a  spice  of  the  scoundrel,  and  a  strain 
of  the  savage  in  us  all,  hungry  or  well  fed.  The 
industrious,  hard  working  middle  classes,  among 
men,  are  the  most  moral  and  honest,  and  the 
best  contented.  All  human  observation  proves 
that.  That  class  find  pleasure  in  doing  things, 
and  seeing  things,  from  flowers  to  beautiful 
homes  and  fortunes,  bud,  bloom  and  bear  fruit. 

It  is  always  the  idle,  and  half  idle,  that  run 
into  mischief.  Vice,  like  briars  and  weeds,  grows 
the  rankest  when  left  alone.  Devilment  has 
always  been  hatched  by  the  idle  brood.  Keep  a 
horse  busy  and  he  seldom  jumps  the  fence.  Keep 
your  children  at  study  and  they've  no  time  for 
mischief. 

rAs  I  see  it,  Mike,  the  vitalizing  influence  back 
of  Socialism,  is  a  raging  and  burning  envy  of 
the  rich — an  unquenchable  thirst  to  idle  and  loaf 
three-fourths  of  the  time,  then  live  in  luxury, 


THE    UNDER    PUP  95 

by  indifferent  efforts  at  labor,  the  other  fourth. 
And  the  blatantly  announced  program  in  this 
get-rich-quick,  get-rich-easy  scheme,  is  to  appeal 
to  the  never-do-well  classes  to  combine,  outnum- 
ber the  other  crowd,  uproot  the  government,  con- 
fiscate the  property  of  the  rich,  rob  the  provident 
and  prudent,  rule  the  world,  and  on  ill-gotten 
gains,  wade  in  plenty.  All  of  this,  under  the 
sole  rule,  that  every  man  is  to  do  as  he  pleases. 
I  read  it  to  you  out  of  the  Socialist  books,  and 
that  it  is  no  lie  is  as  plain  as  their  knowledge 
of  English  can  make  it. 

Now  suppose  the  "Socialist  Commonwealth" 
is  established.  Then  what?  All  men,  we  are 
informed,  will  at  once  become  brothers.  All 
social  and  class  distinctions  will  be  wiped  out, 
and  all  race  lines  will  become  nil.  There  will 
be  a  common  level,  with  all  pigs  in  the  same  pen, 
Indians,  negroes,  hottentots,  wild  men  of  Bor- 
neo, all  the  mixed,  mongrel  breeds  of  the  earth, 
cannibals  and  the  white  race.  What  a  mess  it 
will  be.  And  when  all  are  inter-mixed,  as  they 
inevitably  will  be  if  the  full  Socialist  spirit  is 
carried  out,  and  their  future  generations  of  prog- 
eny come  forth,  I'd  as  soon  be  numbered  among 
French  poodles  as  among  "men."  I'm  a  hobo, 
Mike,  and  some  down  in  the  social  scale.  I  can 
eat  coons  and  musk-rats,  but  I  declare,  pard,  I 


96  THE    UNDER   PUP 

could  not  swallow  a  dose  like  that.  I  can  stand 
a  good  deal,  but  there  are  some  things  at  which 
even  a  hobo  will  rebel — a  derelict  will  revolt. 

Now,  there  are  some  things,  openly  argued, 
and  some  things,  necessarily  implied.  When 
Socialism  teaches  that  the  legal,  social,  class  and 
race  distinctions,  in  the  proposed  commonwealth, 
are  to  be  wiped  out,  and  all  the  races  of  the 
earth  are  to  be  moulded  into  one  vast  brother- 
hood, under  one  social  and  industrial  system, 
with  no  government  over  men — just  a  govern- 
ment over  things — and  every  man  to  do  as  he 
pleases — what  else  can  result  but  race  amalga- 
mation? Every  brute's  supreme  desire  is  to  wed 
with  a  woman  of  refinement  and  beauty,  and  in 
the  absence  of  law  over  men,  what  is  to  hinder 
him  from  taking  her  by  force?  Every  inferior 
race  longs  to  amalgamate  with  the  race  superior. 
That's  an  impulse  as  old  as  history. 

There  is  one  thing  about  this,  Mike,  I  reckon 
you  do  not  understand — race  equality.  Social 
equality  in  all  human  history  has  uniformly  led 
to  race  intermarriage — race  amalgamation.  All 
the  great  inventions,  all  the  imperishable  litera- 
ture, all  the  tendency  towards  advancement  in 
civilization,  all  that  has  humanized,  elevated,  re- 
fined and  moralized  mankind;  all  the  arts,  sci- 
ences and  great  humanitarian  organizations  orig- 


THE    UNDER    PUP  97 

inated  with,  or  are  the  inventions  of  the  white 
race — the  Caucasian.  All  the  ancient  nations, 
as  great,  as  rich  and  as  splendid  as  some  of  them 
were,  lost  their  splendor,  their  genius,  their 
power,  their  moral  initiative,  their  progressive 
spirit,  their  national  splendor,  the  moment  a 
mixed  blooded,  mongrel  population  became  a 
fact  through  amalgamation  with  other  and  in- 
ferior races.  The  lighter  haired,  fair  skinned 
Greek — the  pure  white-blooded  nations — every- 
where and  every  time,  lost  the  racial  qualities — 
civilized  valor,  progressive  spirit,  artistic  and  in- 
ventive genius,  civic  and  moral  integrity — > 
through  amalgamation  with  the  black  and  other 
mongrel  species. 

And  now,  Socialists  in  America  and  every 
Caucasian  nation,  are  pleading  that  we  turn  our 
backs  on  the  uniform  events  of  history,  drop  to 
social  and  racial  level  with  all  the  inferior  races, 
and  repeat  the  disastrous,  degrading  experiment 
which  led  to  the  awful  record  of  mental  and 
moral  degeneracy  and  decay  in  the  past. 

The  sociology  of  Socialism  is  as  ill  advised,  as 
unscientific,  as  vicious  and  degrading  in  its  racial 
tendency,  as  it  is  in  its  economic,  ethical,  family, 
educational  and  civic  dogmas.  Socialism  claims 
to  be  scientific.  It  is  a  mere  jumble  of  atheistic 
materialistic  and  barbarous  nonsense.  It  ignores 


98  THE    UNDER   PUP 

the  simplest  principles  of  science  and  the  most1 
common  facts  of  history.  It  would,  by  race  and 
social  equality,  with  their  concomitant,  inevi- 
table sequence  (race  amalgamation),  lead  all 
America  and  civilized  Europe  (with  their  splen- 
did genius  and  power)  the  same  degenerating, 
disorganizing,  debauching  road,  the  same  prac- 
tice, amalgamation  with  racial  inferiors,  forced 
Egypt,  Greece  and  other  ancient  nations  to 
travel.  Everything  in  history  shows  that  when- 
ever the  superior  has  amalgamated  with  the  in- 
ferior, it  has  meant  the  lowering,  the  degrading, 
the  ultimate  wiping  out  of  the  superior. 

Lovers  of  the  white  race,  its  genius,  its  in- 
ventive faculty,  its  progressive,  artistic  and 
exalted  history,  should  well  enter  the  arena  to 
combat  this  cult  with  its  monstrous  doctrines, 
advanced  under  the  thin  veiled  guise  of  a  broader 
humanity — an  advanced  civilization.  What  it 
would  do  would  be  to  turn  civilization  into  degra- 
dation and  barbarism.  Some  time,  Mike,  when 
some  Socialist  gets  his  dander  up  and  denies 
this,  I  will  simplify  and  prove  it  so  clearly  that 
even  a  child  can  understand  it.  Why  don't 
some  scholar  and  thinker  of  repute,  who  loves 
decency  and  morality,  get  at  the  bottom  of  this 
demoralizing  philosophy  and  fully,  conclusively 
and  unanswerably  explode  it? 


THE    UNDER   PUP  99 

It  is  to  the  credit  of  well-informed  laboring 
men  in  this  country,  that  they  intuitively  see 
through  socialistic  plans,  understand  precisely 
where  socialism  will  logically  lead,  in  the  scale  of 
civilization.  They  turn  a  deaf  ear  to  its  wooings. 
Were  some  of  the  uninitiated  cult  to  hear  this 
talk,  Mike,  they  would  want  to  tear  the  earth, 
swearing  it  to  be  false.  But  the  initiated,  the 
master  propagandists,  the  chief  doctrinaires, 
know  it  to  be  true.  I  heard  a  public  discussion 
with  one  of  their  reputed  big  wigs  a  year  or  two 
ago.  These  very  things  were  shot  at  him  with 
copious  notes,  read  from  socialist  standard  au- 
thors. He  could  not,  and  did  not,  refute  them, 
and  has  not  been  heard  from  since. 

Socialism  on  the  platform,  socialism  on  the 
stump,  socialism  in  pamphlets  and  missionary 
leaflets,  for  the  uninitiated  mass,  only  dwells  on 
the  industrial  and  economic  inequalities  of  exist- 
ing conditions.  It  only  pleads,  openly,  for  a 
"knock-out  blow"  to  be  handed  to  "Capitalism," 
and  for  the  leveling  of  industrial  and  class  in- 
equalities. The  ethical  and  religious  phases  of 
the  doctrine  are  reserved  for  teaching  and  em- 
phasizing to  the  initiated  alone.  When  you  read 
Marx,  Engles,  Bax,  Bebel,  Fourier,  Heron  and 
the  entire  brood  of  standard  authorities,  that 
form  the  socialistic  library  of  inside  information, 


100  THE    UNDER    PUP 

and  which  are  to  be  studied  as  the  correct  expo- 
sition of  simon  pure,  scientific  socialism,  you  get 
it  as  the  master  minds  insist  that  it  is  in  theory 
and  will  be  in  practice,  when  their  proposed 
"Commonwealth"  rules  the  world.  How  will  it 
be  brought  about?  Marx  said  in  the  Hague 
Conference  in  1872: 

"In  most  countries  in  Europe  violence  must 
be  the  lever  of  our  social  reform." 

Marx  and  Engles  say  in  the  Manifesto,  which 
occupies  a  prominent  place  in  every  Socialist 
library,  and  is  religiously  read  and  revered  by 
all  Socialists: 

"In  short,  communists  everywhere  support 
every  revolutionary  movement  against  the  exist- 
ing social  and  political  order  of  things.  They 
openly  declare  that  their  ends  can  be  obtained 
only  by  the  forcible  overthrow  of  the  existing 
conditions.  Let  the  ruling  class  tremble  at  a 
communistic  (now  called  socialistic)  revolution. 
Working  men  of  all  countries  unite." 

In  this  book,  called  "Socialism:  Scientific  and 
Utopian,"  is  a  Digger  Indian  war  whoop  from 
Fredric  Engles.  Listen,  Mike,  and  I'll  read  it 
to  you: 

"Working  men  seize  the  public  power,  and  by 
means  of  this  transform  the  private  means  of 
production,  slipping  from  the  hands  of  capital- 
ists, into  public  property." 


THE    UNDER    PUP  101 

What  do  you  say  to  that,  old  dog?  We  are 
to  whoop  it  up  to  each  other  till  our  heads  are 
bald  inside,  then  get  blood  in  our  eyes,  mud  on 
our  horns,  the  smell  of  powder  in  our  hair  and 
just  paw  the  earth  and  roar.  Wherever  we  see 
a  factory,  a  mine,  a  railroad  or  any  other  old 
thing,  owned  by  a  capitalist,  take  it — take  it,  if 
we've  got  to  pig-stick  him  with  a  knife  to  get  it. 
Pry  him  loose,  the  money  hog,  dead  or  alive,  and 
give  it  to  the  public — which  of  course  means  us. 
Do  it;  for  has  not  our  great  and  sacred  Carl 
Marx  said  that  "violence  must  be  the  lever  of 
our  social  reform."  Has  not  the  great  and  good 
Bebel  declared  that  the  events  of  the  Paris  Com- 
mune, "Are  but  a  slight  skirmish  in  the  war" — 
mind  you,  war — "which  the  proletariat  is  pre- 
pared to  wage  against  all  palaces."  Do  it,  be- 
cause Walter  Thomas  Mills,  the  "Little  Giant" 
of  Socialism,  says,  "If  the  state  is  understood  to 
be  one  part  of  society,  using  the  strength  of  all 
to  rob  another  part  of  society,  then  socialism 
will  abolish  it."  Do  it  because  Victor  L.  Berger, 
the  mighty  Socialist  Poobah  of  Milwaukee,  de- 
clared that: 

"In  view  of  the  plutocratic  law  making  of 
the  present  age,  it  is  easy  to  predict  that  the 
safety  and  hope  of  the  country  will  finally  lie 
in  one  direction  only — that  of  a  violent  and 


102  THE    UNDER   PUP 

Hoody  revolution.  Therefore  I  say,  each  of  the 
Jive  hundred  thousand  voters  and  the  two  million 
working  men  who  instinctively  incline  our  way, 
should,  besides  doing  much  reading  and  still 
more  thinking,  also  have  a  good  rifle  and  the 
necessary  rounds  of  ammunition  in  his  home,  and 
be  prepared  to  back  up  his  ballot  with  his  bul- 
lets. *  *  *  We  must  resist  as  long  as  re- 
sistance is  possible." 

Has  not  Eugene  Debs,  the  two-times  Socialist 
candidate  for  the  presidency  of  the  United 
States,  recently  said  in  Chicago,  according  to 
press  reports,  to  a  Socialist  audience  of  five 
thousand  people? 

"If  ever  again  I  lead  a  strike  in  Chicago  and 
Judge  Grosscup  issues  an  injunction  such  as  he 
issued  against  me  fifteen  years  ago,  I  will  tear 
it  to  bits  and  trample  it  in  the  dust."  Why  not 
spit  in  his  face,  pull  his  hair,  punch  him  in  the 
mug?  Do  something  real  revolutionary,  and  that 
he  will  remember  the  next  time  he  is  inclined 
to  get  gay  and  fool  with  a  buzz  saw? 

Now,  Mike,  [just  think — just  suppose,  all  this 
gang  of  revolutionary  jabberwacks  should  step 
into  a  great  labor  convention  composed  of  sober, 
intelligent,  law-abiding  delegates  from  the  great 
mines  and  manufacturies  of  the  United  States — 
suppose  it  were  presided  over  by  one  of  labor's 


THE   UNDER   PUP  103 

most  representative  men,  and,  one  by  one,  each 
firebrand  would  try  to  incite  the  convention  to 
revolution  and  lawlessness,  by  treasonable  and 
incendiary  utterances  like  those  just  quoted, 
what  do  you  think  they  would  say  to,  or  do  with 
them?  I  think  John  Mitchell  would  rise  in  his 
place  and  say  to  them  verbally,  as  he  has  said 
in  cold  type,  in  his  book,  the  "Labor  Problem:" 

"There  is  no  necessary  hostility  between  capi- 
tal and  labor.  Neither  can  do  without  the  other ; 
each  has  evolved  the  other.  The  laborer  and  the 
capitalist  are  both  men,  with  the  virtues  and 
vices  of  men,  and  each  wishes  at  times  more  than 
his  share,  yet  broadly  considered,  the  interest  of 
the  one  is  the  interest  of  the  other." 

Then  pointing  his  finger  at  Berger,  he  would 
likely  continue,  repeating  to  him  and  his  asso- 
ciates what  he  wrote  for  the  instruction  of 
American  labor,  once  on  a  time : 

"The  average  worker  has  made  up  his  mind 
that  he  must  remain  a  wage  worker.  He  has 
given  up  the  hope  of  a  kingdom  to  come,  where 
he  himself  will  be  a  capitalist.  Socialism  is  and 
can  be  realized  only  among  savage  tribes.  In 
civil  society  we  must  bear  with  Christian  patience 
the  burden  of  sorrow  that  necessarily  falls  to  the 
lot  of  man,  supported  by  the  thought  that  'it  is 
better  to  bear  those  ills  we  have  than  to  fly  to 


104  THE    UNDER   PUP 

others  that  we  know  not  of.'  Both  in  univer- 
sities and  colleges  as  well  as  in  elementary 
schools,  we  must  purge  out  the  bad  leaven  of 
atheistic  principles  in  order  that  respect  may  be 
inculcated  for  law,  divine  and  human,  natural 
and  civil." 

Then  as  he  would  sit  down  amid  the  cheers 
and  hurrahs  of  the  delegates  assembled,  I  can 
hear  the  presiding  officer,  with  much  fervor  and 
dignity,  say,  "Gentlemen,  that  is  the  answer  of 
law  abiding  American  labor  to  the  voice  and 
spirit  of  classism.  That  is  the  reply  of  the  great 
industrial  forces  of  this  country,  whose  brain  and 
muscle,  whose  patriotism  and  loyalty,  whose  in- 
dustry and  perseverance,  whose  intelligence  and 
skill,  have  made  it  one  of  the  best  and  freest 
countries  on  the  face  of  the  earth.  That  is  the 
answer  of  the  men,  who  make  their  living  by 
the  sweat  of  their  brow,  to  the  professional  agi- 
tator who  makes  his  by  the  sweat  of  his  jaw. 
That  is  the  answer  of  the  men  who  love  liberty 
and  justice,  home  and  religion,  Betty  and  the 
baby,  law  and  order,  and  who  believe  that  the 
brightest  gem  in  the  sunlight  of  heaven  is  the 
dew-drop  of  perspiration  on  the  brow  of  honest 
toil,  to  the  crack-brained  forces  of  revolution. 
And  now,  gentlemen,  if  you  will  kindly  with- 
draw from  the  hall,  we  will  continue  our  dis- 


THE    UXDER   PUP  105 

cussion  of  lawful  methods,  looking  to  the  high- 
est and  best  interests  of  honorable  and  honest  in- 
dustry." And,  Mike,  if  the  average  intelligent 
laboring  man  was  not  the  gentleman  he  usually 
is,  they'd  take  them  out  of  the  convention  and 
duck  them  in  the  pond.  You  curl  up  now,  and 
I  will  go  to  bed. 


TALK  SIX 

I  TELL  you,  Mike,  if  two  old  vags  ever  hit  a 
snap,  you  and  I  have  struck  it  this  winter. 

For  everything  that  happens  wise  folks  say 
there  is  a  reason — a  reason,  good  or  bad.  So 
I've  been  sitting  here  by  the  fire,  trying  to  savy 
the  whys  and  wherefores  of  this  easy  berth  that 
came  our  way  just  in  the  nick  of  time. 

All  summer  we  loafed,  tramped,  shirked, 
begged  and  dodged  everything  that  looked  like 
work.  Snow  had  come  in  the  mountains  and 
frost  on  the  plains.  Where  we  were  to  go,  and 
how  to  exist  till  spring,  was  a  sealed  book. 

I  was  dead  blue,  dead  broke  and  ready  to  cash 
in  of  my  own  accord,  the  day  we  struck  Boulder. 
Then  you  stepped  in  and  took  a  hand. 

That  bunch  of  steers  escaped  from  the  stock 
yards  and  stampeded  down  the  street.  They 
were  almost  at  the  crossing  where  the  little  maid 
stood  paralyzed  with  fear.  Men  yelled  like  wild, 
women  screamed  and  fainted,  I  saw  it  and  said, 
"Good-bye,  little  sweetheart,  good-bye,  you're  a 
gone  kid."  Just  then  a  yellow  body  shot  out, 
grabbed  the  nose  of  the  big  leader,  gave  it  a 
yank  and  over  he  went,  caflop.  That  turned  the 
rest  to  one  side,  and  the  danger  had  passed. 

106 


THE    UNDER   PUP  107 

Some  men  argue  that  a  dog  can't  think.  Maybe 
some  dogs  can't.  But  you  can,  old  man.  You 
thought  that  trip,  and  thought  quicker  and  better 
than  anybody  on  the  street.  And  that  day  with 
you,  as  usual,  to  think  was  to  act;  and  good, 
faithful,  intelligent,  courageous  old  standby 
that  you  are,  you  saved  another  life.  In  all  our 
career,  Mike,  when  danger  was  around  and  a 
dog  could  make  it  hike,  you  were  "Johnnie  on 
the  spot."  Twenty  times  it  has  been,  and  not 
once  did  you  fail. 

How  the  crowd  hurrahed  and  cheered  at  what 
you  did.  How  the  grateful  mother  caressed  and 
fondled  you.  How  the  little  girl  hugged  and 
petted,  and  fed  you  good  things,  while  the  men 
bought  that  silver  collar  and  buckled  it  around 
your  neck.  What  a  hero  you  were — not  a  tin 
horn,  but  a  real  hero  of  the  heroic  kind.  And 
how  everybody  wanted  to  see  you  and  pat  you  on 
the  head.  How  they  pitied  you  because  you 
"were  the  property  of  a  tramp."  They  didn't 
know,  Mike,  that  just  at  that  psychological  mo- 
ment you  were  the  boss;  that  on  the  question  of 
destiny  you  were  the  owner  of  me.  And,  honor 
bright,  Mike,  how  noble  you  seemed,  and  how 
lonesome  and  forsaken,  and  mean,  I  felt,  in  my 
poverty  and  rags — felt  it  because  I  was  so  de- 
graded and  homeless  and  forsaken.  But,  old 


108  THE    UNDER   PUP 

man,  I  wasn't  jealous  of  your  popularity,  not 
a  little  bit.  You  deserved  it,  you  had  earned  it, 
and  I  felt  prouder  over  it  than  you  did — honestly 
proud  that  I  was  linked  up  with  something  de- 
cent, even  if  it  was  only  a  dog.  There  are  times 
when  we  see  that  great  qualities  of  heroism  do 
not  belong  to  men  alone — when  we  see  the  divine 
spark  in  other  things  as  well. 

Walt  Case  was  on  the  street,  saw  it,  came 
around  to  get  a  closer  look  at  you,  saw  me,  knew 
me  and  here  we  are  in  alfalfa  clean  over  our 
heads. 

I  say  to  you,  "on  the  square,"  Mike,  that  peo- 
ple generally  do  not  give  a  dog  a  fair  show. 
They  do  not  know  his  real  value  because  they 
do  not  get  down  and  count  up  his  good  deeds,  his 
fidelity  and  his  upright,  honest,  ungrudging,  dis- 
criminating service. 

That  stage  driver  that  brought  us  up  here 
tried  to  get  real  chummy — wanted  to  poke  his 
nose  into  everything  about  us ;  started  in  to  give 
advice  about  a  lot  of  things  that  was  none  of 
his  business;  said,  did  I  not  really  think  that 
Providence  guided  our  lives,  and  that  it  was 
Providence  that  got  us  this  fine  layout.  I  told 
him  that  Providence,  I  reckoned,  has  a  heap  to 
do  with  most  things,  but  in  this  particular  in- 
stance I  savy'd  it  was  mostly  stub-tailed  yaller 


THE    UNDER   PUP  109 

dog.  He  shut  his  fly  trap  on  that  line  for  a 
minute,  then  laid  his  hand  on  your  head  and  said, 
"He  is  a  fine  dog.  How  old  is  he?"  settled  back, 
closed  his  mug  and  looked  almost  human. 

But  that  is  the  way  it  has  been  for  years.  You 
have  been  the  white  sheep  of  the  flock.  When 
people  got  fully  acquainted,  they  always  wanted 
to  keep  you,  but  kicked  clean  over  the  traces  on 
keeping  me.  The  reason,  I  savy,  is  because  you 
always  did  all  you  could,  and  did  it  willingly, 
while  I  never  did  a  stroke  more  than  I  was  paid 
for,  or  had  to. 

But  that  rule  is  as  old  as  Adam.  "You  tickle 
me  and  I'll  tickle  you,"  "You  make  my  fire, 
and  furnish  my  grub,  and  I'll  cook  your  meal," 
"You  steal  my  cat  and  I'll  steal  your  cow,"  has 
been  the  nifty  love  touch  throughout  the  history 
of  the  human  race. 

It  is  sort  of  ingrained  in  human  nature — dyed 
in  the  wool — to  ask,  and  expect,  more  than  we 
give;  try  to  hog  everything  in  sight.  I've  heard 
preachers  and  deacons,  after  asking  for  every 
good  thing  this  side  of  Heaven,  pray  as  a  final 
clincher,  "Lord,  do  more  for  us  and  better  by 
us  than  we  are  able  to  ask,  or  are  in  any  wise 
worthy  to  receive." 

Any  man  will  gamble  on  a  sure  thing.  The 
less  work  it  takes  to  get  it  the  harder  he  will 


110  THE    UNDER   PUP 

fight  for,  and  run  after  it.  Rich  men  boast,  as  a 
side  line,  that  their  happiest  days  were  when 
they  were  poor;  and  cynical  old  King  David  in- 
sisted that,  as  far  back  as  his  day,  most  men 
were  liars. 

On  the  subject  of  poverty  and  riches,  Mike, 
I  believe  that,  of  all  men,  the  Socialist  is  the 
most  honest.  He  is  usually  poor,  makes  a  mar- 
tyr of  himself  and  brags  about  it;  admits  he 
wants  the  earth  and  don't  seem  over-scrupulous 
as  to  how  he  gets  it. 

He  is  not  dishonest  and  courageous  enough 
to  go  out  lone-handed  and  steal  it,  but  asserts 
that  if  he  can  muster  a  majority,  it  will  be  mor- 
ally and  legally  just  to  overthrow  the  govern- 
ment, coerce  the  minority,  and  confiscate  it.  He 
thinks  that  when  the  few  take  from  the  many 
they  are  thieves,  but  when  the  many — and  mind 
you,  Mike,  the  many  must  be  Socialists — com- 
bine and  take  from  the  few,  they  are  benefactors 
and  patriots.  With  them  theft  is  not  determined 
by  the  nature  of  the  act,  but  by  the  number  and 
political  complexion  of  those  who  engage  in  it. 

They  are  not  hogs,  Mike,  and  they  are  not 
dishonest.  Oh,  no !  Not  they.  All  they  insist  on 
is,  that  the  men  who  have  not  money — and  they 
have  counted  noses  and  know  they  are  in  the 
majority — shall  combine,  take  from  those  who 


THE    UNDER   PUP  111 

have,  and  appropriate  it  for  themselves.  If  they 
cannot  get  it  by  peaceable  methods,  Marx,  En- 
gels  and  the  chief  gazabos  insist  they  will  get 
guns  and  shoot  it  out  of  the  other  class — the 
class  who  have. 

The  only  hitch  in  the  program  is,  the  great 
body  of  laboring  men,  to  whom  they  are  making 
their  appeal,  are  honest,  patriotic  and  upright, 
and  with  a  revolting  sense  of  the  diabolical,  cold- 
blooded unfairness  of  the  rattle-brain  scheme, 
when  they  once  fully  comprehend  it,  balk  at  the 
very  start.  But  Socialists  insist  that  a  man  can- 
not accumulate  a  fortune  these  days,  honestly 
and  fairly — that  he  must  rob  somebody  to  do  it ; 
that  it  is  no  sin  to  rob  the  robber,  and  Socialism 
will  be  justified. 

Who  did  Walt  Case  rob  when  he  alone  washed 
$300,000  in  gold  from  the  sand  and  gravel  of 
Alaska?  Who  has  he  robbed  since,  when  every 
man  who  has  ever  worked  for  him  has  received 
wages  enough  to  keep  his  family  and  some  be- 
sides, to  lay  up  for  a  rainy  day?  I  know  he  has 
done  this,  because  many  of  his  men  now  own 
comfortable  homes  and  a  good  sized  bank  ac- 
count— saved  it  out  of  their  wages,  and  lived 
well  while  doing  it.  Others,  who  got  bigger 
wages  than  they,  are  yet  riding  on  the  cross-tie 
express.  Some  of  them  did  not  save,  because 


112  THE    UNDER   PUP 

they  had  too  great  a  thirst.  Others  did  not  be- 
cause they  lacked  the  cumulative  faculty,  or  a 
front  sight  on  their  financial  guns — elemental 
weakness. 

Now,  while  we  are  at  it,  Mike,  suppose  we  get 
this  thing  square  in  our  think  tanks.  Many  and 
many  a  fortune  is  honestly  earned,  honestly  ad- 
ministered and  honestly  owned — many  more 
than  Socialists  think. 

My  brother  George  moved  to  the  foot-hills  of 
Colorado.  The  land  was  as  dry  as  a  cracker  at 
a  Sunday  School  picnic.  It  wouldn't  sprout 
Canada  thistles.  The  Indians  never  used  it,  and 
no  other  white  man  would  have  it.  The  govern- 
ment— which  in  America  is  the  people — said, 
"Any  man  who  thinks  he  can  do  anything  more 
than  starve  to  death  on  it,  can  have  it  and  wel- 
come to  it."  So  George  built  a  house,  dug  a 
well,  fenced  the  land,  and  moved  onto  it.  For  a 
few  dollars  of  the  realm,  the  government  gave 
him  a  patent  to  it.  It  was  his,  both  by  right  of 
possession  and  right  of  purchase.  The  patent 
granted,  the  government  agreed  to  protect  him 
and  his  heirs  in  their  ownership  forever.  George 
had  never  owned  anything  before  but  a  dog,  a 
gun,  and  a  house  full  of  little  red-headed 
LeClaires.  He  was  as  proud  of  his  sand  and 
sage  brush  farm,  as  a  five  year  old  Yankee  kid 
with  a  speckled  pup. 


THE    UNDER    PUP  113 

But,  Mike,  George  was  no  fool.  He  made 
that  one  hundred  and  sixty  acres  blossom  as  a 
rose.  He  and  the  boys  went  up  the  gulch  where 
there  was  a  fine  trout  stream  running  to  waste. 
He  filed  on  the  water,  paid  a  few  more  simoleons, 
and  the  government  gave  him  a  patent  to  that. 
He  dug  a  big  ditch  from  the  creek  to  the  farm 
and  a  small  one  from  that,  all  around  and  over 
it.  Then,  presto.  Instead  of  sand,  and  gravel, 
and  sage  brush,  there  were  wheat,  oats,  alfalfa, 
fruit  and  flowers,  up  to  your  neck.  And  today 
George  is  as  rich  as  Jersey  cream.  Do  I  envy 
him,  or  covet  what  he  has  made?  Does  anybody 
else,  with  a  spoonful  of  justice,  or  an  ounce  of 
honor,  feel  that  it  is  not  morally,  legally  and 
everlastingly  his?  I  guess  not.  George  always 
was  a  nifty  lad.  He  had  front  sights  to  his 
gun,  aimed  at  the  game,  pulled  the  trigger,  got  it 
and  should  be  protected  in  his  possession  of  it. 
He,  by  all  the  rules  of  logic  and  justice,  deserves 
it.  Who  did  he  rob  to  get  it?  Who  must  he  pay 
back  to  reimburse  for  it?  Tell  me,  Mike,  who 
was  injured  even  so  much  as  a  farthing? 

Clothed  in  my  right  mind  and  able  to  back  it 
with  facts  and  figures,  I  say  to  you,  as  to  a  dog 
of  common  sense,  that  any  man,  any  crazy  quilt 
political  party  or  any  high  binder  government, 
that  would  undertake  to  confiscate  it,  or  in  any 


THE    UNDER   PUP 

way  appropriate  it,  as  a  whole  or  in  part,  with- 
out paying  him  for  it  dollar  for  dollar, is  a  plain, 
every  day  thief.  Social  commonwealth  or  no 
social  commonwealth,  thieves  are  thieves,  whether 
they  travel  alone  or  in  droves  a  billion  strong. 

"If  the  blind  lead  the  blind  they  will  both  f  all 
into  the  ditch."  If  one  man  steals  alone  he's  a 
thief.  If  he  gets  a  whole  nation  to  help  him 
they  are  all  thieves.  And  more,  if  a  man  stands 
on  a  street  corner,  in  a  public  hall,  a  church  or 
anywhere  else,  or  writes  a  book,  pamphlet  or 
newspaper  article,  advocating  the  combination 
of  one  class  of  men,  looking  to  the  appropriation 
of  the  property  of  another  class,  without  full 
compensation,  he  is  appealing  to  the  brute  in- 
stinct in  men  and  is  conspiring  to  wholesale 
theft. 

One  chap  down  town,  last  Sunday,  got  un- 
usually good.  Said  he  was  not  a  Carl  Marx, 
but  a  Christian,  Socialist;  that  Christian  Social- 
ists believe  in  paying  for  what  they  get;  that 
when  they  come  into  power,  the  government  will 
equitably  appraise  all  private  property,  pay  the 
owner  for  it  in  full  and  place  it  to  the  credit  of 
the  public,  when  all  the  people  will  own  it  in 
common. 

That  sounds  a  little  smoother  till  your  thinker 
gets  into  action,  then  the  stickers  bob  up. 


THE    UNDER    PUP  115 

In  the  first  place,  there  is  little  danger  of 
*' Christian  Socialism"  ever  being  able  to  control 
the  government  or  anything  else.  Among  the 
.various  breeds  of  Socialists,  that  variety  is  as 
scarce  as  hen's  teeth.  What  few  of  them  there 
are,  vote  the  Marx  ticket  without  a  scratch.  As 
a  political  factor  they  are  roosters  on  the  same 
limb  of  the  tree;  and  what  they  believe,  or  what 
they  do  not  believe,  amounts  to  nothing.  They 
lack  both  numbers  and  power  to  do  anything, 
except  to,  here  and  there,  blind  the  eyes  of  men 
to  the  real  dangerous  and  vital  thing,  which  is 
that  the  basic  principles  of  modern  Socialism  are 
materialism — economic  determinism. 

In  the  second  place,  Mike,  any  school  Koy 
knows  that  there  is  not  money  enough  in  the 
world  to  pay  for  one  side  of  it,  on  a  cash  basis. 
And  a  "Socialist  Commonwealth,"  just  going 
into  power  would  be  minus  most  of  that.  But, 
suppose  the  Commonwealth  should  own  all  the 
money?  Then  what?  It  would  pay  out  to  the 
bottom  cent  of  its  treasury,  and  still  be  short 
nineteen-twentieths  of  the  needed  funds  to  get 
out  of  debt.  A  bonded  indebtedness  would  nec- 
essarily ensue,  that  would  tax  the  people  to 
death,  or  put  the  "Commonwealth"  entirely  out 
of  business.  But,  suppose  further,  that  the  pub- 
lic administrators,  seeing  the  inevitable,  would 


116  THE    UNDER   PUP 

repudiate  the  entire  "Commonwealth  debt?" 
Then  the  question  of  theft  comes  in  again,  and 
the  Christian  element  goes  gleaning.  A  dis- 
honest government  is  as  unchristian  as  a  dis- 
honest individual. 

Besides,  in  the  event  of  purchase,  the  govern- 
ment being  bankrupt,  the  former  capitalists 
would  own  all  the  money.  So  capitalism  would 
in  no  sense  be  destroyed.  It  would  then  be  a 
money  oligarchy  sure  enough.  By  that  time, 
capitalists,  if  half  as  villainous  as  Socialists  say 
they  are,  would  find  it  convenient  to  hire  the  dis- 
gusted, deceived  and  disappointed  part  of  the 
public,  to  take  up  arms  and  shoot  the  common- 
wealth into  utter  oblivion.  The  last  end  of  So- 
cialism would  be  its  worst.  Civilization  would 
have  to  begin  over  again. 

So  I  reckon,  Mike,  after  all,  your  "Scientific" 
brand  of  Socialism  is  the  quill  feather  of  the 
wing.  It  has  less  conscience,  less  humanity,  more 
gall  and  more  self  assertiveness.  It  proposes  to 
rob  all  property  owners  in  the  start,  confiscate 
and  appropriate  everything  in  sight,  and  begin 
business  with  a  new  set  of  books.  It  is  a  revo- 
lutionist and  is  proud  of  it,  proposes  to  plunder 
and  brags  about  it,  intends  to  impoverish  the  rich 
and  don't  care  who  knows  it;  and  last,  but  far 
from  least,  proposes  to  turn  all  administrative 


THE    UNDER   PUP  117 

affairs  and  constructive  statesmanship  over  to 
the  very  class,  whom  thousands  of  years  of  hu- 
man  history   have  shown,   are  constitutionally 
incapable  of  constructing  even  small  things  or 
progressively  administering  their  own  business. 
But,  aside  from  the  inexperience  and  incapac- 
ity of  the  class  who  are,  according  to  Socialism, 
to  rule  in  the  new  order  of  things,  there  is  an- 
other point  that  even  a  tramp  cannot  overlook. 
That  is,  that  in  all  the  centuries  of  civilization, 
theorists  and  doctrinaires  have  dreamed  of  "Com- 
munity Brotherhoods,"  "Common  Ownership" 
of  property  and  an  "Industrial  Utopia"  in  which 
all  men  should  dwell  together  in  unity,  equality, 
contentment,  prosperity  and  peace.    Again  and 
again,  community  of  property  has  been  tried. 
Not  once  has  it  been  a  success.    The  early  Chris- 
tians tried  it  and  had  to  quit.    Every  time  it  has 
been  tried  since,  it  has  run  up  against  the  inher- 
ent kinks  and  defects  in  human  nature,  staggered 
along  for  awhile,  and  then  fallen  into  decay. 
Religious  fervor  and  economic  fanaticism,  com- 
bined, could  not  keep  it  alive.    What  a  few  men 
have  never  been  able  to  do,  under  the  most 
favorable  circumstances,  cannot  be  accomplished 
of  the  past  were  not  failures  from  the  stand- 
point of  economics,  but  from  the  ingrained  weak- 
by  the  many  in  the  midst  of  strife.    The  failures 


118  THE   UNDER   PUP 

ness  and  crookedness  of  human  nature. 
experiment  that  fails  when  tried  on  a  small  scale 
cannot  be  made  a  success  on  a  larger  one. 

I  visited  one  of  the  most  successful  Com- 
munes, of  all  that  were  ever  established.  (The 
South  Amana  Colony  in  Iowa.)  Every  house 
in  the  community  was  as  like  every  other  one,  as 
one  bee  hive  is  like  another.  All  architectural 
symmetry,  all  artistic  beauty,  all  homesome  at- 
tractiveness of  the  surroundings  were  painfully 
absent.  I  saw  while  there,  not  one  smile,  except 
on  the  face  of  an  outsider,  and  the  place  looked 
to  me  more  like  the  home  of  disappointment,  dis- 
content and  sadness,  than  one  of  contentment 
and  triumph. 

I  tell  you,  Mike,  that  things  can't  stand  still. 
They  must  grow  one  way  or  the  other — up  hill 
or  down.  The  way  things  were  tending  in  the 
direction  of  ingrained  sadness  when  I  was  there, 
I  doubt,  that  by  this  time,  if  a  hen  raised  on 
the  place  feels  jubilant  enough  to  cackle  when 
she  lays  an  egg. 

•*:  There  is  a  "sucker  born  every  minute"  and  the 
new  ones  bite  at  the  same  old  bait.  Any  theory 
that  promises  to  fill  the  stomach,  satisfy  the 
passions  and  make  men  rich  without  work,  witK 
the  glimmer  of  flowers  and  beauty  thrown  on 
the  imaginative  landscape,  is  a  dead  center  shot, 


THE    UNDER   PUP  119 

to  the  fellow  who  turns  his  back,  shuts  his  ears 
to  the  voice  of  history,  thinks  with  his  imagina- 
tion, hears  through  his  ambition  and  reasons 
with  his  appetite. 

One  of  the  most  beautiful  varmints  I  ever  saw 
at  a  distance,  when  shot  and  thrown  into  the 
town,  stunk  everybody  off  the  street.  The  stories 
of  business  chances  I've  heard  that  were  pippins 
to  the  ear,  more  often  proved  Sodom's  apples 
to  the  touch.  Human  nature  is  a  strange  bird, 
Mike,  and  the  man  who  thinks  he  can  conquer 
it  through  singing  lullabys  and  tickling  it  under 
the  chin,  will  find,  in  the  end,  that  he  would  have 
been  better  off  had  he  tackled  it  with  a  stuffed 
club.  No,  no,  son,  you  cannot  twist  the  moral 
warps  and  selfish  curls  out  of  the  whole  human 
family  at  one  stroke.  Every  plan  invented  by; 
the  profoundest  minds,  the  highest  type  of  gen- 
ius, among  the  most  philanthropic  and  prudent 
of  the  human  race,  has  been  patiently  tried — » 
tried  again  and  again  and  failed.  The  highest  ap- 
peal to  love  and  brotherhood,  manly  honor  and 
patriotism,  with  promise  of  abundant  reward, 
both  here  and  hereafter,  have,  each  and  all,  failed 
as  to  the  bulk  of  mankind.  Repressive  laws  with 
[jails,  penitentiaries  and  eternal  torture,  have  all 
been  set  up  as  penalties  for  beastly  and  degen- 
erate conduct — men  have  believed  and  cringed  in 


120  THE    UNDER    PUP 

fear,  hid  in  the  darkness,  trembling  at  every  ap- 
proaching footstep,  and  yet  untamed  nature  and 
savage  cruelty  remain  to  disturb  mankind  and 
curse  the  earth.  Nor  can  you  bring  human  per- 
fection and  angelic  brotherhood  into  existence 
through  a  system  that  appeals  directly  and  ex- 
clusively to  the  selfishness,  the  cupidity  and  the 
unbridled  appetite  of  men. 

Under  a  system  of  human  society  in  which 
there  are  to  be  no  "laws  of  repression"  over  men, 
"only  an  administration  of  things,"  instead  of  a 
Utopia — a  heaven  on  earth — barbarism,  sav- 
agery, anarchy,  literal  hell,  would  break  loose  in 
any  country,  in  any  age,  as  it  did  in  France  in 
the  eighteenth  century.  The  fact  that  many  of 
the  best  fed,  the  best  clothed  and  the  best  housed 
men  in  all  history  have  been,  on  an  average,  as 
low  in  the  scale  of  selfishness,  immorality  and 
dishonesty  as  the  poorer  classes — as  vicious,  as 
dissipated,  as  inhuman,  as  vengeful,  derelict  and 
vagrant.  When  Socialism  proclaims  that  uni- 
versal plenty  would  create  universal  purity,  uni- 
versal equality,  universal  equity,  universal  unsel- 
fishness, it  is  talking  without  warrant.  This  will 
be  the  more  apparent  as  we  get  further  into  the 
subject,  Mike.  You  will  see  that  it  is  against 
the  government,  religion  and  the  family,  making 
the  highest  moral  standard  the  unrestrained  va- 


THE    UNDER   PUP  121 

garies  of  the  human  will.  This  will  be  seen,  not 
from  the  irresponsible  ravings  of  the  small  fry, 
but  from  the  cold,  calm,  reflective,  premeditated 
statements  of  leaders  of  the  highest  rank — the 
greatest  exponents  of  the  "science."  And  the 
statements,  as  we  will  see,  are  not  fragmentary 
or  vagrant.  They  are  the  concrete  expression 
of  a  uniform  system  of  belief.  If  the  little  unin- 
fluential  Socialist  tells  you  these  things  are  not 
a  part  of  socialism,  it  is  because  he  does  not 
understand  the  range  and  grasp  of  socialist  phil- 
osophy. If  he  insists  that  socialism  is  not  dis- 
loyal to  the  government  it  is  because  he  fails  to 
comprehend  the  fact  that  a  "co-operative  com- 
monwealth" cannot  be  established  in  any  country 
without  the  prior  total  destruction  of  the  exist- 
ing civic  order,  and  the  complete  annulment  of 
its  statutory  code.  George  D.  Herron  is  the 
highest  Socialist  authority  in  this  country.  He 
is  the  American  member  of  the  international 
council.  He  knows  and  says  that  socialism  the 
world  over  is  a  unit,  working  to  one  end — the 
overthrow  of  all  government  (the  United  States 
included)  and  the  establishment  on  their  ashes 
of  a  world-wide  "Socialist,"  "Industrial,"  "Co- 
operative Commonwealth." 


TALK  SEVEN 

WHEN  you  hear  men  shooting  off  their  wind 
traps  on  the  reconstruction  of  human  nature 
through  the  external  regenerating  influence  of 
Socialism,  Mike,  your  birth  place  should  be  in 
Missouri  somewhere  way  down  in  the  middle  of 
the  State — say,  at  about  the  legal  center  of 
"Show  Me"  county.  Don't  bother  about  the 
"wood  pile;"  just  keep  your  eye  on  the  "nigger." 

According  to  the  way  the  books  read  when  I 
was  in  school,  the  disciples  of  Jesus,  living  with 
Him  for  years  and  noting  how  natural  and  easy  it 
was  for  Him  to  live  the  perfect  life,  imagined  that 
His  religion  was  like  smallpox — when  you  got  it, 
it  broke  out  all  over;  and  everybody  who  caught 
it  would  be  as  He  was — inherently  as  perfect  and 
serene  as  a  June  morning.  But  the  sons  of  Zebe- 
dee  grabbed  for  the  highest  seat  on  the  throne 
the  first  crack  out  the  box.  Judas  turned  traitor 
in  his  thirst  for  gold.  Peter  displayed  the  white 
feather  to  save  his  hide.  Ananias  and  Saphira 
lied  like  cheap  politicians  on  the  money  question; 
and  the  whole  church  at  Corinth,  got  into  an 
uproar  over  who  should  be  the  bell  sheep  of  the 
flock.  And  all  down  through  the  centuries  some 
of  the  biggest  scalawags  roosted  the  highest  in 

122 


THE    UNDER   PUP  123 

the  synagogues,  while  the  best  men  sat  in  the  low- 
est pews. 

But,  with  all  that,  Mike,  the  brightest  spot  on 
the  map,  and  the  spot  where  you  find  the  highest 
standard  of  civilization  is  where  the  life  of  Jesus 
is  the  best  known,  and  His  teachings  form  the 
ultimate  standard  of  appeal  in  matters  of  right 
and  wrong.  The  darkest  spot,  and  the  lowest 
standard,are  among  the  wild, savage  tribes,where 
there  are  no  "repressive  laws  over  men;"  where 
each  man  "does  whatever  he  likes;"  where  "re- 
ligion is  purely  a  'private  matter,'  and  in  no  way 
recognized  as  a  public  affair;"  and  where  the 
Christian  religion  is  unknown. 

It  has  been  a  good  while  since  we  had  an  old 
time  heart  to  heart  talk.  But  I've  been  reading 
up,  Mike,  to  see  what  the  great  Socialist  leaders, 
the  men  of  authority,  whose  word  is  not  a  sub-i 
•ject  of  dispute — I  say,  I've  been  reading,  to  see 
just  what  these  men  say  on  this  point.  And  it 
is  surprising  how  much  more  like  barbarians  they 
talk  on  questions  affecting  social  conditions,  than 
like  leaders  of  civilized  life,  having  in  their  keep- 
ing the  best  interests  of  the  race.  You  don't  have 
to  be  a  university  graduate,  living  in  a  brown 
stone  front,  to  see  that  socialist  theories,  practi- 
cally applied,  loiock  into  a  cocked  hat,  at  one 
swipe,  all  the  real  progress  the  world  has  made 


124  THE    UNDER   PUP 

in  thousands  of  years.  Not  much.  Why  a  com- 
mon hobo,  with  merely  a  high  school  education, 
can  see  it  with  his  eyes  shut.  No  difference  what 
the  little  jabberwock  on  the  street  corner  says, 
it's  these  big  wigs  that  teach  real  socialism.  They 
are  profound  enough  to  fathom,  and  know  what 
it  really  is. 

You  know,  Mike,  if  you  have  a  speck  of  dog 
sense,  and  I  know  you  have,  that  your  pard  has 
never  been  struck  with  religion  so  as  to  affect 
his  appetite  at  any  stage  of  the  game.  You 
know,  how  he  has  joined  in  with  the  mob  in 
blackguarding  preachers  and  vilifying  church 
members.  But,  all  the  time,  he  has  known,  as 
a  fixed  fact,  that  the  best  institution  we  have 
today,  with  all  its  faults,  is  the  Christian  church. 

The  only  gang  of  geezers  in  this  country  that 
ever  insisted  on  trying  to  build  a  town,  and  boost 
a  community  without  religion,  was  a  lot  of  athe- 
ists and  infidels,  at  Liberal,  Missouri.  And  the 
flat  failure  they  made  has  come  to  be  a  super- 
annuated chestnut,  even  among  hoboes.  You 
know,  and  I  know,  that  nine  out  of  every  ten 
booze  fighters  that  ever  reform,  and  stay  re- 
formed, have  to  climb  into  the  church  and  stay 
there  to  do  it.  You  and  I  know,  that  in  the 
great  cities  religion,  through  missions  and  mis- 
sionaries, goes  down  into  the  slums,  picks  up 


THE   UNDER   PUP  125 

the  moral  wrecks  of  humanity,  cleans,  clothes 
them  in  their  right  mind  and  makes  them  over 
into  respectable  and  useful  citizens — hundreds 
and  hundreds  of  them.  You  and  I  know  that 
where  churches  are  the  thickest,  human  life  is 
the  safest;  and  we  know  farther,  that  doors  are 
not  locked  to  keep  Christians  from  house-break- 
ing; they  are  barred  to  keep  the  other  gang  out. 
You  and  I  know  that  jail  birds,  penitentiary 
snipes  and  highway  robbers,  rapists  and  sedu- 
cers do  not  consult  the  church,  nor  read  their 
bibles  as  incentives  to  their  criminal  work ;  neither 
do  they  tarry  at  the  altar  to  pray  for  Divine 
guidance,  before  starting  out  on  a  professional 
forage.  Yes  sir,  Mike,  we  know  all  this,  and  we 
know  that  all  the  criminal  classes  hate  the  church 
as  the  "Devil  hates  holy  water."  For  the  church 
to  espouse  any  cause  is  the  sure  sign  for  them 
to  fight  it. 

Now  in  these  books  I've  been  reading  Social- 
ists declare  their  undying  hatred,  both  for  the 
church  and  religion.  For  example,  Carl  Marx, 
who  was  the  chief  squeeze — the  originator — of 
the  cult,  declared:  "The  abolition  of  religion  as 
the  deceptive  happiness  of  the  people  is  a  nec- 
essary condition  for  true  happiness."  See,  Mike? 
When  true  happiness  consists  of  each  man 
"doing  whatever  he  likes,"  religion  must  neces- 


126  THE    UNDER    PUP 

sarily  be  abolished.  Another  chap  by  the  name 
of  Bebel  says,  that  he  "leaves  religion  to  the 
angels  and  sparrows."  And  Leibnecht,  another 
"great  Socialist  leader,"  writes,  "Stupidity  re- 
peals itself  in  religious  forms  and  dogmas."  I 
ivisited  a  lunatic  asylum  one  time,  in  which  most 
of  the  inmates  thought  everybody  insane  but 
themselves. 

In  a  little  pamphlet  I  happened  to  pick  up  the 
other  day  at  the  hotel,  I  saw  that  another  Social- 
ist yap,  Henry  Quetch  of  England,  wrote  in 
the  "Social  Democrat"  March  15, 1902:  "In  your 
letter  asking  me  for  my  opinion  as  to  the  atti- 
tude of  the  Socialist  party  towards  the  church, 
I  think  the  only  line  to  be  taken  is  that  of  un- 
compromising hostility.  The  church  is  a  power- 
ful, crafty  and  resourceful  enemy."  Had  it  bad, 
hadn't  he,  Mike?  He  must  have  tried  to  do 
something  socialistic  sometime,  run  up  against 
religion  and  struck  a  snag.  Do  you  remember 
that  Rube  you  ran  into  the  river  that  frosty 
morning  for  trying  to  snipe  our  breakfast,  eh? 
Well,  he  has  an  "uncompromising  feeling"  of 
hostility  to  you  every  time  he  thinks  of  you. 
And  it  is  not  likely  that  he  will  ever  lose  it. 
So,  in  the  interest  of  your  own  good  health,  if 
you  see  him  any  time  in  the  future,  better  walk 
sidewise  and  keep  your  eye  peeled.  But  that 


THE    UNDER    PUP  127 

is  not  all.  Here  is  George  D.  Herron — muchly 
married  George.  The  Mint  Julep,  who  left  a 
devoted  wife  and  family  for  a  delicately 
flavored  affinity,  and  who,  as  a  partial  reward, 
no  doubt,  was  made  international  secretary  of 
the  Socialist  party,  slaps  back  at  religion  in  this 
way:  "Christianity  today  stands  for  what  is 
lowest  and  basest  in  life.  To  take  on  Christian- 
ity, would  be  for  Socialism  to  take  Judas  to  its 
bosom."  For  Socialism  to  take  on  Christianity 
would  mean  just  this  for  George  D. — he  would 
have  to  hit  the  pike  from  his  international  sec- 
retaryship, as  he  had  to  hit  it,  once  upon  a  time, 
from  the  Grinnell,  Iowa,  institution  of  learning, 
and  from  the  ministry  of  the  Congregational 
church.  Once  more,  Mike,  listen  to  this:  In 
"Socialism  and  Religion"  Bax  says:  "In  what 
sense  Socialism  is  not  religious  will  now  be  made 
clear.  It  utterly  despises  the  other  world,  with 
its  stage  properties ;  that  is,  the  present  system." 
Emile  Vandervilde,  a  Belgian  Socialist  leader, 
got  on  his  ear  in  1903  and  declared:  "Can  a 
sincere  believer  follow  the  church's  teachings  and 
yet  be  a  Socialist?  We  are  bound  to  admit  that 
both  in  philosophy  and  politics  there  must  be  war 
between  Socialism  and  the  church." 

Do  you  begin  to  see  it  now,  Mike?     Well, 
surely  you  should.     For  this  is  what  I've  been 


128  THE    UNDER  PUP 

trying  to  tell  you  in  my  refined  and  delicate  way 
all  along.  Its  just  like  this:  The  church  be- 
lieves that  there  should  be  a  government  over 
men.  Socialists  do  not.  The  church  believes 
that  when  a  man  accumulates  a  fortune  honestly, 
as  did  Walter  Case  and  my  brother  George,  it 
belongs  to  him,  in  fee  simple.  Socialism  declares 
such  men  are  thieves.  The  church  believes  that 
when  a  man  does  wrong — when  he  tramples  on 
the  rights  of  others — he  should  be  legally  re- 
pressed. Socialism  believes  with  Fourier  that 
"The  human  soul  is  nothing  but  attraction,  and 
man  should  do  whatever  he  likes."  The  church 
believes  that  one  should  work,  or  pay,  for  the 
property  he  gets.  Socialism  believes  that  when 
property  is  wanted  and  there  is  the  needed  vot- 
ing strength  at  hand,  it  should  be  secured  by 
confiscation,  and  not  by  honorable  purchase. 
The  church  believes  that  when  a  man,  or  men, 
are  guilty  of  crime,  they  should  be  held  amena- 
ble to  the  law.  Socialism  believes  that  there 
should  be  no  law  over  men.  The  church  believes 
that  when  two  men  have  a  property  difference, 
which  they  cannot  themselves  adjust  any  other 
way,  the  adjustment  should  be  made  by  the  civil 
courts.  Socialism  believes,  according  to  Bax, 
that  in  such  instance  they  should  be  treated  as 
a  housewife  treats  two  quarreling  torn  cats — to 


THE    UNDER   PUP  129 

a  pail  of  hot  slop — let  them  fight  it  out  alone. 
So,  Mike,  there  is  no  mistaking  the  fact  that 
this  Belgian  Rarebit,  knowing  what  Socialism 
actually  is,  and  being  acquainted  somewhat  with 
the  inherent  spirit  of  Christianity,  is  piping  up 
the  right  tree  when  he  says:  "There  must  be 
war  between  Socialism  and  the  church."  The 
principles  of  the  two  are  essentially  antagonistic. 
Christianity  would  control  man  through  his 
spiritual  nature;  Socialism  through  his  stomach. 
However,  old  pard,  I  don't  want  you  to  get 
the  idea  that,  for  the  most  part,  all  of  the 
enemies  of  religion  among  Socialists,  have  died. 
No,  sir;  not  at  all.  There  are  plenty  of  live 
ones.  And  the  live  ones  stop  and  sneeze,  where 
those,  now  dead,  took  snuff .  James  Leatham  in 
"Socialism  and  Character,"  says:  "While  all  of 
us  are  thus  indifferent  to  the  church,  many  of 
us  are  frankly  hostile  to  her.  Marx,  Lasselle 
and  Engles  among  the  earlier  Socialists ;  Morris, 
Bax,  Hyndman,  Guesde  and  Bebel,  among  the 
present  day  Socialists,  are  all  more  or  less 
avowed  atheists;  and  what  is  true  of  the  more 
notable  men  of  the  party,  is  equally  true  of  the 
rank  and  file  the  world  over."  "The  Nation  of 
Fatherless  Children,"  by  David  Goldstein,  has 
over  sixty  pages  filled  with  quotations  from  all 
sorts  and  sizes  of  Socialist  official  organs,  on  both 


130  THE    UNDER   PUP 

sides  of  the  Atlantic,  of  bitter  and  violent  ut- 
terances against  God  and  the  church.  Sounds 
exactly  like  the  resurrected  voice  of  the  French 
Revolution;  and,  if  Socialism  gains  sufficient 
adherents,  it  will  end  in  a  like  saturnalia  of 
butchery  and  bloodshed.  It  will  sound  the  death 
knell  of  human  progress  the  day  it  marshals  an 
army  strong  enough  to  control.  When  it  has 
ruled  ten  years,  civilization  in  the  place  where  it 
ruled,  will  have  to  begin  over  again.  It  will  have 
perished. 

I  said  to  you  in  these  talks,  several  times, 
Mike,  that  Socialist  stump  spouters  never  dis- 
cuss the  inner  doctrine  of  the  cult  before  mixed 
audiences,  in  halls,  or  on  the  streets.  Some 
things  are  taught  only  to  the  initiated.  Now,  as 
it  is  right  in  line,  I  will  show  you  just  why  that 
is:  In  the  "World  To-day,"  July  number  of 
1908,  there  is  an  editorial  bearing  directly  on 
the  point.  The  editorial  was  called  out  by  the 
report  of  the  action  taken  in  the  National 
Socialist  convention  on  the  subject  of  religion. 
Listen  to  it:  "The  relation  of  Socialism  and 
Christianity  unexpectedly  came  to  the  front  in 
the  meeting  of  the  convention  of  Socialists  which 
nominated  Debs  for  President.  The  religious 
attitude  of  Socialism,  as  viewed  by  most  of  its 
leaders,  can  no  longer  be  disguised.  Socialists 


THE    UNDER   PUP  131 

are  materialists  and  agnostics.  At  least,  Morris 
Hillquitt  expressly  stated  that  ninety-nine  per 
cent  of  Socialists  took  that  position.  The  con- 
vention adopted  a  plank  to  the  effect  that  it  was 
not  concerned  with  religious  beliefs,  but  this 
plank  was  after  all  stated  to  be  a  mere  expedient 
until  the  time  came  for  a  campaign  of  Material- 
ism. Mr.  Hillquitt's  exact  words,  as  reported  by 
the  'Daily  Socialist/  are  as  follows :  'We  should 
not  go  out  in  our  propaganda  among  the  people 
who  are  still  groping  in  obscurity  and  tell  them 
that  they  first  must  become  materialists  before 
they  can  become  members  of  the  Socialist  party. 
After  we  have  disposed  of  the  things  that  affect 
their  material  welfare  it  will  be  time  to  approach 
them  with  the  full  consequences  of  the  Socialist 
philosophy.' ' 

There  you  have  it,  Mike,  flat-footed  and  to 
the  point.  Men  who  are  not  Socialists  must  not 
be  approached  with  the  "Full  consequences  of 
Socialist  philosophy" — which  is  agnosticism, 
atheism,  materialism,  eternal  and  everlasting  op- 
position to  Christianity  and  the  Christian  church. 
That  part  of  Socialism,  though  essential  and 
fundamental,  is  not  to  be  taught  openly  to  the 
"people  groping  in  darkness."  Socialism  is  the 
uncompromising  foe  of  the  church.  To  preach 
it  at  all  times,  openly  and  above  board,  would 


132  THE    UNDER   PUP 

be  the  sounding  of  its  own  death  knell.  Hillquitt 
knows  this,  and  gave  expression  to  the  under- 
stood, and  concocted  plan  of  the  Socialist  leaders, 
on  the  proper  methods  of  socialistic  propaganda 
the  world  over,  at  that  convention.  "Propa- 
gandists," which  means  the  spellbinder  and  street 
corner  windjammer  tribe,  such  as  we  heard  in 
Denver,  are  to  keep  still  as  mice  on  religion, 
deny  that  Socialism  is  against  religion,  if  neces- 
sary, to  make  converts,  but  let  'er  fly  on  classism 
and  economics.  They  are  to  appeal  to  every 
class  of  unfortunate  and  lopsided  humanity — 
the  indolent,  the  dissipated,  the  sentimental  and 
the  envious,  as  against  the  frugal,  the  industri- 
ous, the  thrifty,  and  in  short,  every  type  of  man 
that  has  made  life  a  success.  They  are  to  pop 
it  good  and  hard  to  such  men  as  Walter  Case, 
whose  genius  and  industrial  farsightedness  have 
built  up  the  great  industries  of  the  country,  and 
who  are  aiding  with  work,  and  wages,  and  homes 
the  classes  who  cannot  plan,  and  frame,  and  or- 
ganize, and  expand,  and  help  themselves.  They 
are  to  appeal  to  the  class  prejudices,  the  cupidity, 
and  the  ambition  of  the  great  unlearned  and 
uninformed  mass  of  humanity,  the  down  and  out 
at  the  heels  class,  till  they  can  see  only  through 
the  green  glasses  of  class  hatred,  nothing  but 
heartless  iron  handed  capitalism — organized 


THE    UNDER    PUP  133 

molochs  of  plutocracy  and  greed — whose  sole 
aim  is  to  crush  the  masses  into  unending  in- 
dustrial and  social  bondage.  In  a  country 
where  there  is  no  class  issue,  they  are  to  sys- 
tematically arouse  a  "class  conscious"  spirit. 
That  done,  they  enlarge  on  the  political  corrup- 
tions of  the  day,  present  a  crazy-patch  system 
of  economics  as  fantastic  and  ring-streaked  and 
striped  as  Jacob's  cattle,  as  a  solution  of  all  in- 
dustrial and  social  ills.  They  picture  it  as  at- 
tractive, and  seductive  as  a  summer's  dream,  and 
as  easy  of  accomplishment  as  swinging  in  a 
hammock ;  insist  that  the  system  once  established 
everybody  will  be  rich — angel's  food,  diamonds, 
gilded  palaces,  silks,  satins,  automobiles  and  all 
splendor  will  be  as  plentiful  among  the  "com- 
rades" as  goose  pimples  on  the  neck  of  a  hobo; 
and  poverty  as  absent  as  brimstone  in  a  Unitarian 
catechism.  The  "wage  slaves"  of  today  will  be 
so  rich  and  happy,  so  fat  and  comfortable,  so 
contented  and  healthy  under  Socialism  that  sin 
and  crime  and  selfishness  will  scoot  and  scat  like 
bats  and  serpents  into  the  crevices  and  darkness 
of  the  world  beneath.  Prisons  and  punishment, 
lawsuits  and  crime,  care  and  trouble,  all  laws  of 
repression,  and  all  government  over  men  will  be 
pulled  up  by  the  roots  and  knocked  into  ever- 
lasting smithereens.  This  world  will  be  one  long 


134  THE    UNDER   PUP 

yum-yum  of  gladness,  and  life  a  long  abounding 
heyday  of  peace. 

When  you  read  Socialist  papers,  you  find  in 
one  issue  a  statement  that  Socialism  is  not  op- 
posed to  religion.  In  another  issue  of  the  same 
paper  will  be  some  nasty  fling  at  the  church,  and 
the  clergy,  as  aiders  and  abettors — pliant  tools — 
of  capitalism.  You  will  also  find  in  the  advertis- 
ing section  the  Socialist  standard  works  recom- 
mended as  clear,  full  and  exhaustive  expositions 
of  scientific  international  Socialism — and  these 
works  from  Herron  and  Spargo  to  Bax, 
Bebel,  Vandervelde,  Feri,  Engles  and  Marx, 
forcibly  proclaim  that  Socialism  is  irrevocably 
opposed  to  the  Capitalistic  State,  the  monogamic 
family,  the  Christian  religion,  and  all  civil  laws, 
penalties  and  courts.  If  any  one  of  them  does 
not  chime  with  the  others  it  is  because  he  happens 
to  not  mention  that  particular  phase  of  the  sub- 
ject. All  Socialists  agree  that  the  existing  State 
is  the  creature  of  the  existing  system  of  econom- 
ics, that  religion  and  the  monogamic  family  are 
the  aiders  of  the  state.  This  is  constantly  heard 
in  their  talk  and  read  in  their  papers.  The  in- 
spiration comes  from  their  standard  authors  who 
plainly  insist  that  when  the  economic  system, 
which  is  responsible  for  the  state,  the  family  and 
the  church,  falls  under  the  hammer  of  Socialism, 


THE    UNDER   PUP  135 

they  must,  every  single  one,  fall  with  it.  By  that 
time  all  Socialist  voters  will  have  "Socialist 
minds"  and  will  be  ready  to  see  that  the  mono- 
gamic  family,  the  church,  and  the  state,  with  all 
their  laws  and  auxiliary  institutions,  must  go,  or 
Socialism  cannot  exist.  But,  for  the  present,  it 
is  not  to  be  preached  openly,  as  "men  in  dark- 
ness" could  not  understand  it  and  would  be 
driven  away  by  it.  The  teaching  now  is  more 
directly  against  "capitalism,"  against  the  Re- 
publican, against  the  Democratic  party,  and 
against  private  ownership.  Propagandists  teach, 
with  all  their  standard  authors,  that  with  private 
ownership  out  of  the  way,  every  man  will  have 
all  he  creates.  And  with  James  Leatham,  that 
under  capitalism,  "Every  millionaire  is  a  crimi- 
nal, every  man  who  amasses  a  hundred  thousand 
dollars  is  a  criminal;  every  president  of  a  com- 
pany with  nominal  duties,  if  his  salary  is  but 
one  thousand  dollars  is  a  criminal;  every  man 
who  loans  one  hundred  dollars  and  expects  one 
hundred  and  six  in  return  is  a  criminal." 

It  is  a  rabble-inspiring  cry  based  on  class  hate, 
and  inordinate  greed.  "Take  it  from  the  other 
fellow  and  give  it  to  us.  He  is  a  thief  and  didn't 
earn  it.  He  gobbled  it  from  us.  We'll  gobble 
it  from  him.  We  are  right.  He  is  wrong." 
You  see,  Mike,  the  aim  is  to  get  a  fellow  so  dis- 


136  THE    UNDER   PUP 

satisfied  over  the  condition  that  is,  and  so  full  of 
pipe  dreams,  as  to  what  Socialism,  with  its  co- 
operative ownership  may  be  able  to  do,  that  he 
will  begin  to  think  the  only  way  out  of  in- 
dustrial and  eternal  bondage  is  to  vote  the 
Socialist  ticket.  They  put  almost  everything  in 
their  platform  that  is  of  a  constitutional  nature 
in  reform,  preach  to  the  popular  prejudices  of 
the  masses,  against  every  evil  that  is  not 
Socialism,  and  keep  silent  on,  or  deny  all  the 
fundamental  essentials  of  socialistic  philosophy. 
The  sole  purpose  is  to  stir  up  dissatisfaction  with 
existing  conditions.  Then  any  old  thing  will  go 
down  the  hearer's  throat.  You  can  see  how  this 
plan  of  propagation  is  the  right  thing  to  en- 
tangle men  unawares;  how  that  Socialists  are 
wise,  in  revealing  the  "full  consequences  of  their 
philosophy,"  only,  by  degrees  and  inches,  to  the 
rank  and  file.  The  entire  scheme,  administered 
at  a  single  dose,  would  paralyze  a  respectable 
law  and  order  loving  dog,  and  gag  a  hobo  with 
the  conscience  of  a  goat.  But  the  dreamer  and 
the  derelict  can  be  held,  when  carried  into  the 
cult  an  inch  at  a  time.  It  is  attractive  bait  for 
boobs. 

But  Socialism,  scientific  and  international,  is 
the  enemy  of  religion,  and  has,  as  its  ultimate 
and  settled  aim,  the  overthrow  of  the  church. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  137 

It  is  the  system  of  envy  and  despair.  It  is  based 
on  cupidity  and  greed.  It  is  the  foe  of  individual 
initiative,  individual  thrift  and  individual  hope. 
All  is  to  be  resolved  into  an  orderless,  lawless, 
irresponsible,  Godless  mass,  with  brutal  passions, 
and  animal  instincts  unchained.  Their  papers 
and  agitators  deny  it  in  debate,  but  their  stand- 
ard authorities — books  which  they  all  recommend 
and  circulate — insist  on  it,  and  teach  it  as  an 
essential  feature  of  the  faith — the  "constitutional 
ground  work"  of  the  cult. 

Mike,  you  are  only  a  dog,  but  you  can  see 
how  the  thing  is  all  interwoven  together,  to  catch 
and  enlist  men,  one  degree  after  another,  like  it 
was  with  me  in  breaking  down  moral  habits. 
First,  just  a  drop  into  the  saloon  with  the  boys, 
for  a  little  chat  and,  maybe  a  drink.  Then  later, 
the  stuff  itself,  and  its  effect,  got  the  upper  hand, 
and  it  was  drop  into  the  saloon  for  a  drink  and 
a  chat  with  the  boys — and  later,  to  drop  in  for 
the  drink  alone.  Then  degree  by  degree,  like 
joining  the  lodge,  it  was  drink,  thirst,  drink, 
half  drunk,  whole  drunk,  and  dead  gone  to  love 
of  home,  family,  religion,  all  sense  of  decency 
and  sobriety,  and  just  a  ragged  hanger  on;  then 
last,  but  not  least,  the  natural  and  normal  hobo, 
and  associate  of  hoboes.  When  you  get  to  going 
down  hill  once,  Mike,  it  is  hard  to  stop.  Social- 


138  THE    UNDER    PUP 

ism,  like  gin,  works  mostly  on  your  appetite — 
appeals  to  the  stomach. 

Socialism  begins  its  appeals  by  innuendoes 
against  the  bugaboo  of  plutocracy  and  capital- 
ism. Then  it  insists  that  the  summum  bonum  of 
life  is  to  get  wealth  and  fine  things,  and  all  you 
earn.  Then  comes  the  full  pledge,  and  step  by 
step  the  whole  scheme  is  unfolded  and  the  fly  is 
in  the  net. 

A  man  comes  to  see  that  as  long  as  govern- 
ment, and  laws,  and  penalties,  and  individual 
homes,  and  personal  property,  and  the  moral 
code  of  the  church  and  religion,  with  conscious 
existence  after  death,  including  necessary  re- 
wards and  punishment  are  accepted,  scientific 
Socialism  is  utterly  impossible.  Drunk  on  the 
desire  to  be  an  equal  co-owner  in  all  the  wealth 
of  the  earth,  and  to  splurge  with  the  highest  high 
flyers  in  the  realm,  he  is  easily  controlled  by  the 
leaders,  and  becomes  a  soft  mark  for  the  whole 
brood  of  socialistic  heresies.  I  am  not  much  of 
a  Christian  myself,  Mike,  as  you  know,  but  I 
say  to  you  honestly,  if  those  who  are  Christians, 
and  who  know  what  religion  has  done  for  civiliza- 
tion, don't  wake  up  and  get  busy  with  this 
cantankerous,  economic  polecat,  and  pull,  the 
reign  of  real  Democracy,  in  this  country,  as  it 
can  be  made  in  practice,  by  unloading  cheap 


THE    UNDER   PUP  139 

politicians  and  corporation  gangsters;  and  by 
electing  honest  men  and  statesmen  to  office,  they 
will  wake  up  one  of  these  fine  mornings,  to  find 
that  arguments,  and  the  sensible  reforms  our 
government  will  stand,  will  not  avail.  Socialism, 
the  wild  political  dervish  of  the  earth,  will  be 
"backing  its  votes  with  its  bullets"  and  pande- 
monium will  tear  loose.  Now  is  the  time  to 
wake  up.  Now  is  the  time  when  something  can 
be  done ;  when  education  will  do  its  perfect  work. 
Education  now  will  be  the  proverbial  "stitch  in 
time." 

But,  Mike,  you  and  I  are  not  in  the  game. 
We  are  free  lances,  with  little  to  lose,  either  way, 
except  two  worthless  lives.  So  let's  shut  up  shop 
for  the  night,  quit  worrying  and  go  to  bed.  If 
society  and  the  church  will  giggle  and  dance,  and 
sing  and  feast,  with  their  eyes  shut  till  danger 
knocks  in  the  door,  and  revolution  darkens  the 
sky,  and  women  and  children  go  down  in  the 
avalanche  of  debauchery  and  death,  we  are  not 
to  blame.  As  Cain  said  to  God  about  Abel, 
we,  you  and  I,  dog  and  hobo,  are  not  our 
brother's  keeper.  Maybe  not.  But  one  thing 
more.  If  these  charges  against  Socialism  were 
openly  made,  every  Socialist  paper  in  the  land 
would  deny  them  in  toto.  Yet  every  one  of 
their  editorial  writers  knows  they  are  true. 


140  THE    UNDER   PUP 

Their  standard  books  all  teach  that  Socialism  is 
against  the  government,  against  the  Christian 
religion,  against  monogamic  marriage,  against 
restrictive  laws  and  against  the  home,  of  one 
wife,  one  husband,  and  children  in  it — one  or 
many.  Outside  of  these  things  as  doctrines,  in- 
ternational Socialism  as  a  distinct  cult,  is  dead 
and  buried.  One  thing  is  dead  sure.  No  Socialist 
is  fool  enough  to  go  on  the  platform,  and  debate 
it  with  a  man  who  has  read  the  writings  of  their 
standard  authorities  and  knows  what  they  teach. 
If  lecturers,  teachers,  preachers,  editors,  and  all 
classes  of  patriotic  men  would  only  read,  and 
publish  to  the  world,  what  Socialist  authors  say 
is  Socialism,  the  entire  propaganda  in  America 
will  go  to  the  wall  as  a  flat  failure  inside  of  one 
year.  Teach  real  Socialism  openly  and  fully, 
and  it  will  kill  itself.  The  best  antidote  for 
Socialism  is  to  preach  Socialism  as  it  is. 


TALK  EIGHT 

MIKE,  if  you  could  talk,  and  were  to  ask  me 
to  define  Socialism,  I  would  insist  that  it  is  a 
microbe.  It  attacks  the  mind  of  a  man  as  the 
mange  does  the  epidermis  of  a  dog.  And  the 
longer  it  bites  the  larger  it  grows,  and  the  deeper 
it  bores,  till  at  last,  it  entirely  "Gets  your  goat," 
and  absorbs  your  entire  being.  It  first  makes  a 
knocker  out  of  a  man  on  general  principles. 
It  then  so  obscures  his  vision  that  he  can  see 
nothing  in  the  economic  world,  save  the  hideous 
spectre,  capitalism. 

At  that  point,  the  victim  begins  to  have  brain 
storms.  "The  earth  was  made  for  all,"  is  the 
foundation  statement  of  his  faith.  That  is  soon 
enlarged  to  "The  earth  and  the  fullness  thereof." 
Then,  in  his  diseased  mental  condition,  he 
imagines  that  "the  fullness  thereof,"  belongs  to 
everybody  alike,  no  difference  who  did  the 
"filling."  He  gauges  all  muscle  at  the  same  in- 
trinsic value,  regardless  of  the  quality  of  brains 
behind  it. 

If  Jones,  or  Smith,  or  Brown,  reclaims  a  spot 
of  the  earth,  brings  it  up  to  a  high  state  of  cul- 
tivation, occupies  it,  and  by  thrift  and  foresight, 
lays  up  a  fortune  in  money  and  credits,  your 

141 


142  THE    UNDER   PUP 

socialist-possessed  insists  that  he  is  a  plutocrat 
and  a  thief — that  land,  money,  credit  and  all, 
still  belong  to  everybody,  and  justice  never  will 
be  done  till  a  "Co-operative  Commonwealth"  is 
established,  the  usurper  dispossessed,  and  all  is 
appropriated  and  turned  over  to  the  public, 
making  Jones,  Smith  or  Brown,  as  poor  as 
everybody  else.  You  see  "class"  poverty  is  to 
be  destroyed  by  making  everybody  poor — mak- 
ing poverty  universal.  Under  Socialism  all  any 
man  is  to  get  is  a  living.  Just  that  and  no  more. 
The  third  and  incurable  stage  is,  when  the  vic- 
tim of  the  disease  begins  to  slide  down  the  cellar 
stairs  of  history.  He  then  sees  the  extreme  hap- 
pified  condition  of  the  world,  when  men  were 
nomads  and  barbarians;  when  nobody  was  boss 
because  "nobody"  was  as  strong  as  everybody; 
when  fig  leaves  were  worn  on  society's  arrival, 
and  nothing  on  its  departure ;  when  the  marriage 
ceremony  was  the  crack  of  a  club  over  the  noodle 
of  the  bride,  and  cold  snail  marmalade  and  smok- 
ing dog  soup,  the  rare  delicacies,  served  in 
modest  undress,  at  the  nuptial  feast;  when  all 
human  existence,  like  side  meat  from  a  wind- 
splitter  hog,  had  just  two  streaks — one  fat,  one 
lean,  and  the  lean  one  was  rank,  salty,  and  three 
times  the  thicker.  When  there  was  no  law,  no 
religion,  no  restraint,  and  every  one  did  "as  he 
pleased." 


THE    UNDER   PUP  143 

He  traces,  step  by  step,  the  history  of  the 
race,  till  men  began  to  organize  for  protection, 
lived  in  huts  and  dugouts,  made  robes  and  blank- 
ets, and  began  to  salaam  and  smile,  and  shake 
hands  with  each  other  when  they  met  in  the 
morning.  Then  he  sees  where  some  ancient  John 
D.  Rockefeller  began  to  exercise  his  gray  mat- 
ter, increase  his  herds  and  kill  meat  for  the 
winter;  and  right  there  and  then,  he  discovers 
capitalism,  gets  mad,  and  goes  straight  up  in 
the  air. 

From  that  on,  he  finds  it  easy  sailing.  Every 
time  he  finds  men,  who,  by  industry  and  thrift, 
frugality  and  parental  love,  and  with  brains 
enough  to  save  up  for  a  rainy  day,  he  imagines 
he  has  found  a  capitalistic  monster  whose  sole 
aim  in  life,  was  to  rob  the  rest  of  mankind,  and 
reduce  them  to  everlasting  poverty  and  depend- 
ence. He  insists  that  governments  were  founded 
by  capitalistic  highbinders  for  the  sole  purpose 
of  enriching  the  few  at  the  expense  of  the  many. 

He  insists  that  when  men  who  were  not  capi- 
talists became  dissatisfied  with  their  condition, 
religion  was  invented  to  make  them  tame  and 
submissive;  that  ghosts  and  goblins,  raw  head 
and  bloody  bones,  hell  fire  and  endless  damna- 
tion, were  thrown  on  the  screen  to  make  skimmed 
milk  palatable  on  earth,  while  the  felicities  of 


144  THE    UNDER   PUP 

heaven  were  invented  to  cultivate  the  patience 
and  appetite  of  the  poor,  for  cream  and  golden 
robes  beyond  the  skies. 

Then,  just  at  that  moment,  all  the  blasphemies 
against  religion  and  the  church,  which  Goldstein 
has  copied  in  his  book,  "The  Nation  of  Father- 
less Children" — sixty-seven  pages  in  all — escapes 
his  lips  and  becomes,  in  such  men  as  Marx, 
Engles,  Bax,  Spargo,  Herron  and  the  rest  of 
the  brood,  an  inveterate  church  hater,  a  rank 
materialist,  and  an  all-around  agnostic.  By  this 
time  he  has  it  so  irrevocably  bad  that  there  is  no 
reason  in  him,  and  no  stop  to  him,  in  downward 
plunge.  He  sees  spooks  in  the  entire  existing 
order  of  things,  in  every  corner  and  cranny — all 
around  the  edges  and  in  the  middle.  Every  time 
he  hears  of  some  man  like  Walter  Case  making 
one  hundred  thousand  dollars  while  he  is  kept 
poor — no  difference  what  the  cause — his  hair 
goes  straight  up  on  end. 

All  government,  all  laws,  all  courts,  all  moral 
precepts,  all  private  ownerships  and  all  religion, 
look  alike  to  him,  and  the  color  is  always  black, 
and  starless  as  eternal  night.  Everything  was 
invented  by  capitalism  to  keep  the  poor  man 
poor.  He  even  insists  that  monogamic  marriage 
(the  union  of  one  man  and  one  woman  for  life) 
was  invented,  and  has  been  perpetuated,  to  bol- 


THE    UNDER   PUP  145 

ster  capitalism,  and  strengthen  the  power  of 
predatory  wealth.  And  finally,  Mike,  he  adopts, 
as  one  of  the  cardinal  doctrines  of  scientific  so- 
cialism, that  law,  which  has  always  been  in  force 
among  your  species.  Marriage  for  life,  as  be- 
tween one  man  and  one  woman  as  a  fixed  insti- 
tution, must  be  done  away.  You  needn't  growl, 
old  chap,  that's  straight  goods. 

You  know,  Mike,  that  our  present  govern- 
mental system,  as  well  as  Christianity  and  the 
church,  teaches  that  a  man  is  bound  by  the  mar- 
riage tie.  Bebel,  as  a  Socialist  leader,  declares 
that,  "Man  should  be  free  to  dispose  of  the 
strongest  instinct  of  his  nature  as  of  every  other 
natural  instinct." 

Edward  Carpenter,  another  Socialist  author- 
ity, says,  "Let  woman  insist  on  her  right  to 
speak,  dress,  think,  act,  and  above  all,  to  use 
her  sex  as  she  deems  best;  let  her  face  the  scorn 
and  the  ridicule;  let  her  lose  her  own  life  if  she 
likes."  (Of  course,  Mike,  Carpenter  is  not  a 
woman.  He  is  just  a  free  lover — and  talk  is 
cheap.) 

Frederick  Engles,  another  Socialist  authority, 
puts  it  this  way: 

"Three  great  obstacles  block  the  path  of  social 
reform — private  property,  religion  and  the  pres- 
ent form  of  marriage."  (Next  to  Marx,  Engles 

10 


146  THE    UKDER   PUP 

ranks  as  one  of  the  ablest  leaders  Socialism  has 
ever  produced.  When  he  stands  up  the  rank  and 
file  worship.) 

Morris  and  Bax  in  Socialism,  Its  Growth  and 
Outcome,  pages  299-300,  declare: 

"Thus  a  new  development  of  the  family  would 
take  place  on  the  basis,  not  of  a  predetermined 
life-long  business  arrangement,  to  be  formally 
and  nominally  held  to,  irrespective  of  circum- 
stances, but  on  mutual  inclination  and  affection, 
an  association  terminable  at  the  will  of  either 
party." 

In  other  words,  the  relation  of  the  sexes  is  to 
be  under  Socialism — not  one  of  legal  marriage, 
but  one  of  lust.  Bax  is  one  of  the  strongest  and 
nastiest  of  all  Socialist  writers. 

Marx  and  Engles,  in  the  Communist  Mani- 
festo, say: 

"It  is  self-evident  that  the  abolition  of  the 
present  system  of  production  must  bring  with  it 
the  abolition  of  the  community  of  women — pres- 
ent marriage — springing  from  the  system  of 
prostitution,  both  public  and  private." 

This  is  from  the  fountain  head,  Mike.  It  has 
authority  bristling  all  over  it.  Marx's  daughter 
tried  the  Socialist  marriage  idea  with  Averling. 
In  the  end  it  broke  her  heart. 

Another  chap  by  the  name  of  Ferri,  has  his 
say  on  the  subject  in  this  strain: 


THE    UNDER   PUP  147 

"The  monogamic  marriage  hides  beneath  its 
pall  of  forgetfulness,  the  tortures  of  hunger  and 
servile  labor,  and  permanently  enervates  the 
energy  of  the  individual,  and  to  this  extent  per- 
forms a  function  to  the  ruling  class." 

Engles  says,  in  the  Origin  of  the  Family: 

"Monogamy  was  caused  by  economic  (food) 
conditions.  With  the  transformation  of  the 
means  of  production  into  collective  property,  the 
monogamic  family  ceases  to  be  the  economic  unit 
of  society.  The  private  household  becomes  a 
social  industry.  Care  and  education  of  the 
children  become  a  public  matter.  Society 
(Socialist)  cares  equally  for  all  children  legal  or 
illegal.  When  the  children  are  deprived  of  in- 
heritance and  are  thrown  upon  the  public,  the 
woman  becomes  free." 

Ask  my  child,  "Who  is  your  father?"  She 
points  to  me.  Under  Socialism  ask  a  boy,  "Who 
is  your  father?"  The  reply  will  be  an  interroga- 
tion point. 

Oscar  Wild,  in  Welshires  Magazine,  June, 
1902,  wrote: 

"Socialism  anihilates  the  family.      * 
With  the  abolition  of  private  property,  marriage, 
in  its  present  form,  must  disappear." 

Hyndman,  in  the  Historical  Basis  of  Social- 
ism, page  452,  says: 


148  THE    UNDER   PUP 

"Thus  the  breaking  down  and  building  up  go 
on  slowly  together,  and  new  forms  arise  to  dis- 
place the  old.  It  is  the  same  with  the  family. 
That  in  the  German- Christian  sense  of  marriage 
for  life  and  responsibility  of  the  parents  for  the 
children  born  in  wedlock,  is  almost  at  an  end 
now — and  must  result  in  a  widely  extended 
communism." 

George  D.  Herron,  in  The  Coming  Nation, 
March  28,  1903,  writes: 

"If  it  is  free  land  we  are  after,  or  free  re- 
ligion, or  a  free  family,  or  a  wholly  free  society, 
we  shall  find  it  on  the  other  side  of  Socialism, 
or  along  the  socialistic  way." 

(George  D.  ought  to  know.  He  has  done  his 
part  towards  doing  away  with  the  unsocialized 
marriage  as  far  as  the  law  under  capitalism  will 
allow. ) 

Edward  Carpenter,  in  Love's  Coming  Age, 
published  in  Chicago,  1903,  page  62,  says: 

"Let  every  woman  whose  heart  bleeds  for  the 
sufferings  of  her  sex  hasten  to  declare  herself, 
and  to  constitute  herself  as  far  as  she  possibly 
can,  a  free  woman.  Let  her  accept  the  term  with 
all  the  odium  that  belongs  to  it ;  let  her  insist  on 
her  right  to  speak,  dress,  think,  act,  and  above 
all,  to  use  her  sex,  as  she  deems  best ;  let  her  face 
the  scorn  and  the  ridicule;  let  her  lose  her  own 


THE    UNDER   PUP  149 

life  if  she  likes;  assured  that  only  so  can  come 
deliverance,  and  that  only  when  the  woman  is 
honored  will  the  prostitute  cease  to  exist." 

( The  plain  English  of  this  is  when  all  women 
become  promiscuous  in  their  sex  relations,  pros- 
titution will  cease — and  so  will  decency.) 

Now,  Mike,  I  could  read  just  such  declara- 
tions as  these  from  standard  Socialist  works  for 
an  hour.  But  what  is  the  use?  Many  of  them 
are  absolutely  indecent;  others  are  such  as  you 
might  expect  from  the  foul  pen  of  moral  per- 
verts— of  diseased  minds.  And  all  of  them  in- 
sist they  are  explaining  the  principles  of  Social- 
ism. These  are  enough  to  convince  man  or  dog, 
that  Socialism  is  as  insane  and  lawless,  and  as 
near  like  apes  and  monkeys  on  the  marriage 
question,  as  it  is  on  property  ownership,  on  law, 
on  order,  on  government  and  on  religion. 

Socialists  have  no  place  in  their  philosophy  for 
the  private  ownership  of  property.  Most  of 
them  have  no  property  themselves  and  insist  on 
confiscating  and  appropriating  to  public  use 
what  the  other  fellows  have.  They  have  no  place 
for  religion.  Sure,  Mike,  men  who  expect  to 
"back  their  ballots  with  their  bullets"  and  in- 
augurate a  "bloody  revolution"  to  capture  the 
"tools" — government ;  and  when  that  is  done,  to 
go  further,  and  confiscate  private  property,  turn 


150  THE    UNDER   PUP 

it  over  for  public  use,  naturally  want  to  wipe 
religion  off  of  the  map.  Hell  would  be  a  mighty 
objectionable  and  spooky  thing  to  leave  lying 
around  in  sight  of  such  a  gang  as  that. 

They  have  no  room  for  the  life-long  union  of 
one  man  and  one  woman.  They  are  not  in  favor 
of  a  "double  standard  of  morals."  So,  to  obviate 
the  necessity  of  masculine  reform,  family  trouble, 
marriage  fees  and  divorce  wrangles,  they  kick 
the  moral  code  of  civilization  clean  out  of  exist- 
ence, and  base  the  union  of  the  sexes  on  sex  fond- 
ness— on  lust.  And  such  union  can  last  for  a 
day,  a  week,  a  month,  a  year,  and  be  terminated 
at  the  "will  of  either  party."  The  "Common- 
wealth," whether  it  embraces  America  only,  or 
the  whole  wide  world,  will  be  just  one  vast  "red 
light"  district.  And  the  gallant  Chesterfield  and 
Boney  Bruiser,  who  both  love  the  same  "maiden 
fair"  at  one  and  the  same  time,  will  have  to  fight 
it  out,  while  the  meek-eyed  Flora  McFlimsey, 
or  swan-necked  Belva  Dora  Drabbeltail  looks, 
on,  giggles  and  claps  her  hands  as  the  best  man 
wins.  Children!  How  about  them,  Mike? 
They  will  be  wards  of  the  public — children  of 
the  "state" — herded  like  young  goats — never 
know  a  father's  care  nor  a  mother's  love,  and 
more  like  as  not,  be  fed,  fondled  and  kicked 
about  like  young  pups.  It  is  an  attractive  pic- 
ture, Mike,  for  derelicts  and  old  rakes. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  151 

There  is  not  a  red  light  district  on  the  face  of 
the  earth  that  would  not  joyously  shake  the 
beneficent  paw  of  "Scientific  Socialism"  with 
both  hands.  Its  announced  philosophy  comes, 
as  a  beacon  of  hope,  to  lost  souls  on  the  dead  sea 
of  despair. 

There  is  not  a  moral  degenerate,  nor  a  sex  per- 
vert, this  side  of  the  moon  who  would  not  gravi- 
tate to  citizenship  in  a  "Commonwealth"  of  that 
character  as  mongrel  scales  of  steel  to  a  magnet. 
Socialism  will  wipe  out  prostitution  by  destroy- 
ing the  family,  and  bringing  all  women  down  to 
the  level  of  prostitutes.  Legalized  marriages? 
No.  Family  relations?  No.  Free  love?  Yes. 
Moral  code?  Yes.  Where  from?  Baboonville. 
Dog  town. 

Every  civilized  woman  with  a  refined  sense  of 
decency  and  self-respect,  thoroughly  informed 
as  to  the  spirit  and  genius  of  Socialism,  would 
face  death  a  thousand  times,  rather  than  a  life 
commitment  to  the  environment  of  a  lecherous 
and  degrading  commonwealth  like  that. 

Do  you  wonder  now,  Mike,  dog  as  you  are, 
why  the  average  American  working  man,  when 
he  understands  its  rotten  philosophy,  shuns 
Socialism?  Why  he  never  reads  its  literature 
nor  votes  its  ticket?  Why  the  street  corner 
Socialist  spellbinder  so  seldom  catches  his  ear? 


152  THE    UNDER   PUP 

Why  with  John  Mitchell  he  refers  to  it  as  a  lapse 
into  barbarism? 

Well,  old  man,  the  principle  reasons  are,  that 
the  industrious,  wide-awake,  high-class  laboring 
man  of  this  country,  and  all  countries,  for  that 
matter,  is  in  the  main,  several  pretty  substantial 
things. 

First  of  all,  while  he  may  not  be  a  high  school 
or  college  graduate,  he  carries  considerable 
healthy  grey  matter  under  his  hat,  and  is  usually 
both  moral  and  decent. 

Then,  too,  he  usually  has  a  wife  and  baby, 
tucked  away  somewhere  in  a  neat,  vine-clad  cot- 
tage, backed  by  a  garden  and  flowers,  or,  if  not 
a  wife  and  babies,  he  has  a  motherly  old  mother 
and  sweetheart  sisters — as  an  inspiration  and 
comfort — entitled  to  his  love  and  care. 

He  built  that  home  with  the  sweat  of  his  brow. 
He  knows  to  a  farthing,  what  it  cost,  and  holds 
it  as  the  apple  of  his  eye.  It  is  his  castle,  and 
in  it  is  his  heart's  best  love.  Kisses  and  caresses, 
the  patter  of  little  feet,  baby  prattle  and  a  good 
wife's  cheer,  a  mother's  love  and  a  sister's  con- 
fidence, make  it  the  one  sacred  spot  that  com- 
mands his  pride,  his  worshipful  adoration,  and 
if  need  be,  his  heart's  last  red  drop  of  blood. 

He  knows,  when  he  understands  its  teachings, 
that  the  covetous  eye  of  Socialism  is  on  that 


THE    UNDER   PUP  153 

home.  That  it  is  impatiently  biding  the  time 
when  strong  enough,  it  can  capture  the  govern- 
ment, and  through  the  semblance  of  legality,  rob 
him  of  it  and  turn  his  children  over  to  the  tender 
mercies  of  the  public  herding  master. 

He  has  been  accepting  the  insane  ravings  of 
Socialist  pikers  in  the  main,  as  the  irresponsible 
yawp  of  croaking  crones,  and  chuckling  over  it 
as  the  natural  "effervesce"  of  political  irresponsi- 
bles.  But  the  election  of  Victor  L.  Berger  from 
the  Milwaukee- Wisconsin  District  to  the  United 
States  Congress,  has  at  once  made  Socialism  a 
national  issue,  and  the  hour  hand  of  the  clock  is 
now  at  the  exact  spot  where  the  patriotic  Amer- 
ican citizen  "Should  sit  up  and  take  notice." 

When  he  does,  he  will  find  strange  things  are 
likely  to  happen.  He  will  find,  to  his  profound 
surprise,  Mike,  that  Socialism  is  neither  as  weak, 
nor  as  innocent,  as  it  looks ;  that  it  is  not  a  polit- 
ical party  seeking  reforms  under  the  government 
along  constitutional  lines,  but  is,  in  fact  and  in- 
tent, a  foreign,  transplanted,  revolutionary  force, 
a  vagrant  animal  with  sinister  mien.  He  will 
learn,  if  he  will  read  Socialist  standard  publica- 
tions, that  in  Europe  its  aim  is  to  destroy  thrones, 
and  in  America,  to  undermine  the  constitution. 
That  at  all  times  and  all  places  its  object  is  to 
found  on  the  ruins  of  the  destroyed  government 


154  THE    UNDER   PUP 

an  entire  new  order,  euphemistically  called  an 
"Industrial  Commonwealth,"  in  which  all  the 
barbarous  vagaries,  and  crime-breeding  nonsense, 
we  have  been  quoting  from  their  books,  are  to  be 
incorporated  as  the  constitutional  elements  of 
a  "beneficent"  and  "idealistic  civilization."  He 
will  see  that  it  will  be,  not  a  civilization  at  all, 
but  a  lawless  pit  of  anarchy. 

He  will  see  that  everything  man  holds  sacred, 
from  God  and  the  church,  to  the  marriage  vow 
and  family  ties,  are  thrown  to  the  wild  winds  of 
mere  whim  and  passion.  He  may  go  into  a  heart 
to  heart  talk  with  the  most  renowned  Socialist 
leaders — the  men  who  mould  Socialist  opinions; 
who  dominate  its  popular  gatherings;  and  who 
have  authoritative  voice  in  its  official  conven- 
tions; and  nineteen  out  of  twenty  of  them,  will 
confidentially  tell  him,  that  they  are  in  full  ac- 
cord with  all  that  Marx,  Engles,  Babel,  Bax, 
Morris,  Hillquitt,  Herron,  Vandervilde,  Berger, 
Ferri,  Spargo  and  Fourier  have  written,  as  to 
marriage,  religion,  confiscation  of  property, 
forcible  revolution,  government,  repressive  laws 
over  men,  free  love  and  a  community  herding  of 
children.  They  may,  if  you  are  known  to  be  re- 
ligious yourself,  or  a  public  educator,  try  to 
evade  that  phase  of  the  question.  The  same  is 
true  of  the  institution  of  marriage.  But  when 


THE    UNDER   PUP  155 

driven  to  the  wall  on  the  subject,  will  admit  that 
their  "private  sympathies"  are  against  the 
church — and  as  to  marriage  for  life  to  one 
woman,  they  will  insist  that  while  "roses  are 
beautiful"  Socialism  would  not  tie  you  up  where 
you  could  not  occasionally  also  "pluck  a  tulip." 
He  will  find  further  that  our  national  pace  has 
been  so  swift,  our  industrial  development  so 
rapid,  and  our  money  worship  so  abnormal,  that, 
like  an  over-worked,  high-strung  woman,  we,  as 
a  race,  have  reached  that  nervous  condition  in 
which  we  view  things  from  the  standpoint  of  the 
exaggerated  and  abnormal.  That  all  worship 
money  alike,  Socialists,  as  well  as  "capitalists." 
So,  Mike,  there  is  more  dissatisfaction  in  the 
world  than  men  think.  Those  who  make  money 
fast,  are  dissat'sfied  because  they  cannot  invent 
schemes  to  make  it  faster.  Their  greed  is  only 
equaled  by  the  size  of  their  ambition.  Those 
whose  environment,  or  lack  of  executive  ability, 
keeps  them  "hewers  of  wood  and  drawers  of 
water,"  become  envious  of  the  other  class,  and 
so  Socialism  has  found  the  world  ready  to  listen 
to  any  sort  of  wild-brained,  money  grabbing 
scheme,  that,  in  any  way,  promises  rest  and 
plenty — a  long  summer  and  a  glorious  autumn. 
Its  appeal  to  the  cupidity  of  the  poor  is  equaled 
only  by  its  villainous  attacks  on  the  rich. 


156  THE    UNDER   PUP 

But,  old  man,  the  signs  of  the  times  are  hope- 
ful. A  few  more  Bergers  elected  to  Congress 
and  Socialism  will  attract  enough  attention  to 
command  careful  investigation  of  its  doctrines 
in  full.  Then,  when  all  American  workingmen 
understand  its  philosophy  of  civilization — ethical 
and  economic;  when  the  great  middle  class  com- 
prehend its  demands  in  full,  then  "look  a  little 
out,"  for  something  is  going  to  happen.  The 
spoilsman,  the  financial  buccaneer,  the  corpora- 
tion lackey  in  public  office,  and  the  robbing  horde 
of  lesser  lights  will  be  stripped  of  power  to  plun- 
der. Socialism,  with  its  curly  cue  doctrines  will  be 
driven  into  the  sea  of  oblivion.  An  aroused 
patriotism  will  take  hold  of  the  helm  of  state,  and 
our  national  Democracy  will  become  in  fact,  as 
it  has  been  in  theory,  a  "Government  of  the 
people,  for  the  people  and  by  the  people." 

"Equal  rights  to  all  and  special  privileges  to 
none"  will  be  the  practical  application  of  the 
ideal  in  human  government,  that  was  in  the 
minds  of  our  national  founders  when  the  govern- 
ment was  inaugurated.  When  the  day  fully 
comes,  and  the  first  faint  glow  of  the  dawn  is 
even  now  seen  above  the  rim  of  the  East,  it  will 
be  found  that  our  national  Democracy  embraces, 
in  its  mechanism,  a  genius  that  will  settle  every 
economic  and  social  ill  of  today,  and  do  it  along 


THE    UNDER   PUP  157 

constitutional  lines  most  thoroughly,  satisfac- 
torily and  effectively.  We  will  not  need  to  tear 
down  and  destroy,  that  we  may  build  anew.  We 
will  just  put  on  our  working  clothes,  Mike,  go 
at  it,  fumigate  and  clean  up  the  premises.  And 
the  first  rubbish  that  will  be  swept  up  will  be 
Socialism.  And  the  way  we  will  beautify  its 
mug  will  show  a  proper  knowledge  of  political, 
artistic  decoration. 

What  is  needed  now  is  to  place  honest  men  in 
office.  ( The  country  is  full  of  them. )  And  take 
the  agents  and  tools  of  predatory  wealth  out. 
This  is  being  done.  It  will  make  "hard  times" 
no  doubt,  but  the  longer  we  wait  the  harder  the 
times  when  it  is  done.  The  constitution  will 
stand  the  needed  changes  to  bring  about  a  more 
equalized  distribution  of  wealth;  and  it  will  also 
stand  the  needed  changes  in  our  social  and  in- 
dustrial condition,  by  which  the  chronic  hunters 
for  work  will  be  turned  in  the  direction  where 
they  will  find  it,  and  be  made  to  support  their 
families,  instead  of  turning  them  over  to  starva- 
tion and  the  charities  of  the  town.  The  worthy 
poor  now  are  numerous  enough,  God  knows,  but 
not  nearly  so  numerous,  in  fact,  as  they  appear  to 
be  under  the  "scare  heads"  of  the  crack-brained 
agitator — the  man  who,  too  often,  makes  his  own 
living  off  of  the  contributions  of  the  poor,  instead 
of  by  legitimate  and  honest  toil. 


TALK  NINE 

THERE  is  one  thing  we  have  learned  during 
these  long  winter  evenings,  Mike,  that  every 
patriotic  American  citizen  should  know,  and 
knowing,  should  be  slow  to  forget.  This  is,  that 
Socialism  is  the  same  in  every  country  of  the 
globe,  and  seeks  the  same  end,  and  to  accomplish 
it,  proposes  using  the  same  means.  It  is  not 
national  and  local.  It  is  international  and  uni- 
versal. It  means  to  combine  all  nations  into  one. 

Here  and  there  are  a  few  men,  who,  from  both 
nature  and  training,  cannot  swallow  all  the 
nauseous  dose  of  ethical  and  economic  balder- 
dash dished  up  by  Marx,  Engles,  Bax,  et  al.,  and 
so  announce  themselves  as  "Christian  Socialists." 
But  they  are  so  few  and  far  between,  and  exert 
so  little  influence  as  moulders  of  purpose,  in  the 
general  movement,  that  they  are  not  to  be  taken 
into  account.  They  are  a  negligible  quantity. 

Whatever  of  influence  they  might  exert  in  cor- 
recting the  criminal  tendencies  of  "Scientific 
Socialism"  is  lost  in  the  very  significant  fact  that 
they  all  work  and  vote  for  the  one  general  ticket 
— and  that  is  always  of  the  Marxian  scientific 
variety.  To  vote  the  ticket  means  an  unqualified 
practical  endorsement  of  all  the  errors  the  party 

158 


THE    UNDER   PUP  159 

stands  for.  You  may  "spit  on  the  platform"  as 
a  protest,  but  it  is  the  voting  that  does  the  count- 
ing in  the  general  round  up. 

Scientific  Socialism  is  inherently  radical,  and 
fundamentally  revolutionary,  both  in  theory  and 
fact.  Its  intent  and  purpose  can  be  nothing 
else.  Its  aim  is  to  first  gain  control,  and  after- 
wards overthrow  the  government.  That  is  what 
Socialists  mean  when  they  talk  about  "getting 
hold  of  the  tools,"  before  they  can  accomplish 
their  purpose.  "Tools,"  with  them,  means  the 
official  control  of  all  governmental  functions — 
at  least  a  majority  of  its  legislative  and  executive 
offices.  These  they  seek  to  capture  in  one  of  two 
ways — by  votes  if  possible,  by  forcible  revolution 
if  necessary. 

It  was  to  the  end,  that  votes  to  suit  Socialists 
come  too  slow,  that  Victor  L.  Berger,  the  re- 
cently elected  congressman  from  Milwaukee, 
said  in  a  signed  editorial  in  the  Milwaukee  Social 
Democratic  Herald  of  July  31,  1909: 

"No  one  will  claim  that  I  am  given  to  reciting 
of  'revolutionary'  phrases,  on  the  contrary,  I 
am  known  to  be  a  'constructive'  Socialist.  How- 
ever, in  view  of  the  plutocratic  law-making  of 
the  present  day,  it  is  easy  to  predict  that  the 
safety  and  hope  of  this  country  will  finally  lie 
on  one  direction  only — that  of  violent  and  bloody 
revolution. 


160  THE    UNDER   PUP 

"Therefore,  I  say,  each  of  the  500,000  Socialist 
voters,  and  of  the  two  million  working  men  who 
instinctively  incline  our  way,  should,  besides  do- 
ing much  reading  and  still  more  thinking,  also 
have  a  good  rifle  and  the  necessary  rounds  of 
ammunition  in  his  home  and  be  prepared  to  back 
up  his  ballot  with  his  bullets  if  necessary. 

"This  may  look  like  a  startling  statement. 
Yet  I  can  see  nothing  else  for  the  American 
masses  today.  The  working  class  of  this  country 
is  being  pushed  hopelessly  downward.  We 
must  resist  as  long  as  resistance  is  possible." 

That  is  not  only  revolutionary — it  is  treason- 
able— and  being  both  revolutionary  and  treason- 
able, it  is  distinctively  socialistic.  Berger  is  a 
Socialist,  openly,  unequivocally,  and  one  of  its 
acknowledged  leaders.  As  such  he  is  committed 
to  all  that  Socialism  teaches — the  confiscation  of 
property,  the  destruction  of  Republics,  the  over- 
throw of  kingdoms  and  empires,  that  Socialism, 
a  new  idea  in  human  government,  may  be  es- 
tablished in  their  stead.  That  being  true,  Mike, 
how  could  Berger,  on  taking  his  seat  in  Con- 
gress, take  the  required  oath  to  support  the  con- 
stitution of  the  United  States,  without  violat- 
ing his  socialistic  pledge,  or  without  being  guilty 
of  perjury?  If  he  did  wiggle  through  the  knot 
hole  without  losing  any  warts  or  goose  pimples, 


THE    UNDER   PUP  161 

how  could  a  congress,  loyal  to  the  constitution 
of  the  United  States,  and  the  maintenance  of  a 
Democratic  form  of  government,  allow  him  to 
take  his  seat  among  its  members  unchallenged. 
A  full  working  majority  of  Socialist  members  in 
both  Congress  and  the  Senate,  backed  by  a 
Socialist  President,  would  proceed  to  undermine 
the  constitution,  overthrow  the  government,  con- 
fiscate all  the  "means  of  production  and  distri- 
bution," socialize  property  and  usher  in  a  "Co- 
operative Commonwealth."  "But  the  Supreme 
Court  would  step  in"  you  say.  It  would,  would 
it?  That  is  the  first  animal  they'd  cage.  Social- 
ists do  not  believe  in  courts.  If  you  deny  that, 
read  their  standard  authors.  Then  you  will  not 
just  "believe,"  you  will  know — and  you  will 
shut  up.  What  did  Congress  say  when  Berger 
came  to  take  his  seat?  They  let  him  take  the 
oath  without  protest,  no  doubt  viewing  his  break- 
ing into  Congress  as  a  huge  joke,  as  not  one  of 
them  in  fifty  has  the  least  idea  as  to  the  traitorous 
nature  of  the  entire  Socialist  program.  They 
have  never  read  Socialist  authors.  But  one 
thing  I  am  sure  enough  of  to  offer  to  bet  you 
"dollars  to  doughnuts,"  and  that  is,  that  as  long 
as  Berger  is  a  member  of  the  House  and  faces 
the  big  Missouri  speaker,  he  will  be  much  less 

cantankerous  on  his  "violent  revolution"  utter- 

11 


162  THE    UNDER    PUP 

ances,  and  a  bloomin'  sight  more  mum  about  guns 
and  ammunition  and  the  Socialist  "backing  his 
ballot  with  his  bullet"  balder-dash,  than  he  has 
been  in  slinging  treasonable  editorial  utterances 
around  among  his  class  conscious  Socialist  con- 
stituents in  Milwaukee.  Should  he  prove  to  be 
a  "hero"  instead  of  the  suspected  blustering 
wind  jammer,  and  quasi  political  drum  major,  and 
let  out  a  few  treasonable  yawps  on  the  floor  of 
the  House  like  the  one  just  quoted,  there  would 
not  be  enough  bone  left  in  his  political  carcass, 
inside  of  twenty-four  hours,  to  make  a  single 
artificial  set  of  teeth  large  enough  to  fit  the 
mouth  of  a  Kansas  jigger. 

Socialism  is  not  only  unfriendly  to  the  consti- 
tution, and  inherently  treasonable  to  the  ma- 
chinery of  the  government,  but  its  purpose  is 
to  abolish  every  safeguard  created  to  maintain 
our  high  standard  of  modern  civilization.  It  is 
an  uncompromising  enemy  of  the  moral  and  doc- 
trinal code  of  religion  and  the  church,  both  as 
to  the  here  and  hereafter.  It  is  opposed  to  all 
law  over  men,  except  one  of  individual  impulse. 
It  seeks  to  destroy  the  family.  Its  purpose  is 
to  remove  the  children  from  under  the  parental 
roof — from  home  and  home  influence,  deprive 
them  of  all  family  ties,  inheritance  of  "family" 
property  and  make  them  "wards  of  the  public." 


THE    UNDER   PUP  163 

It  means  to  treat  children  as  "things,"  "nation- 
alize" them,  instead  of  "familyize"  them  as  now. 
There  is  not  a  single  thing  in  the  existing  order 
from  government  to  family,  from  courts  to 
prisons,  from  personal  initiative  to  recognizing 
the  rights  of  private  property  ownership,  from 
locks  on  your  smokehouse,  to  private  vaults  in 
the  bank,  that  the  writings  of  Socialist  authori- 
ties do  not  anathematize  direct  or  by  implica- 
tion. Hunt  up  the  full  Socialist  library  of 
standard  authors  and  see  what  it  teaches,  see 
what  it  demands,  see  what  is  urges — not  one 
book  here  and  there,  but  the  entire  library.  Read, 
and  take,  not  isolated  statements,  but  the  full 
thread  of  their  teachings.  You  will  then  be 
where  you  cannot  be  fooled  as  to  what  Socialism 
really  is.  You  will  find  that  it  urges  the  public 
confiscation  of  property — of  land,  and  the 
"means  of  production." 

It  would  destroy  the  rights  of  private  prop- 
erty. It  would  rob  the  poor  man,  and  man  of 
small  means,  of  his  cottage,  as  well  as  the  multi- 
millionaire of  his  palace.  They  are  "means  of 
production" — rents,  etc. 

It  would  make  all  men  equal  by  process  of 
law — a  thing  centuries  of  civilization  and  re- 
ligious culture  of  the  highest  type  have  been  un- 
able to  do.  It  holds  that  all  the  elements  of 


164  THE    UNDER    PUP 

incipient  selfishness  and  brutal  instinct  originate 
in  the  gastronomic  region,  and  that  all  base  pas- 
sions and  low  desires  will  just  simply  get  up 
and  scat  when  the  stomach  is  stuffed  with  an 
abundance  of  wholesale  food,  socialistically 
cooked.  It  holds  that  the  "proletariat,"  and  ho- 
boes like  Waggles,  will  change  into  princes  of 
cherubic  nature,  when  dressed  in  the  royal  pur- 
ple of  socialistic  manufacture,  and  made  equal 
owners  in  all  the  products  of  the  earth. 

It  holds  that  the  way  to  make  men  sober  and 
encourage  sobriety  and  teetotalism,  is  to  make 
whiskey  as  free  as  water  and  as  cheap  as  milk. 
Make  the  stuff  so  free  and  cheap  that  they  won't 
want  it  at  all.  Wonderful  logic;  profound 
philosophy;  back-action  morality.  It  is  great, 
Mike.  Try  it  when  you  don't  feel  well. 

It  insists  that  about  the  meanest  men  on  earth, 
under  "capitalism,"  are  the  "idle  rich" — the  best 
fed,  the  best  housed  and  the  best  clothed.  It 
gets  really  red  in  the  face  when  it  talks  about  it. 

It  then  turns  square  around  and  insists  that 
the  sole  way  to  make  all  the  human  race  perfect 
is  for  all  to  become  Socialists,  have  all  they  can 
eat  and  drink,  all  they  want  to  wear,  all  a  palace 
of  beauty  to  live  in,  and  all  rich  as  John  D.,  by 
becoming  co-owners  in  all  the  wealth  of  the 
earth.  But  all  must  be — mind  you — stamped 


THE    UNDER   PUP  165 

with  the  Marx-Herron-Berger  brand  or  the  "salt 
has  lost  its  savor."  It  is  the  brand,  not  the  qual- 
ity of  the  goods  that  is  to  turn  the  trick. 

Now,  Mike,  since  there  is  no  warped  logic 
and  no  actual  contradiction  in  this  economic  non- 
sense, when  you  are  once  socialistically  regener- 
ated— since  it  is  the  quintessence  of  all  wisdom — 
because  it  is  one  of  the  real  simon  pure  dis- 
coveries of  the  cult,  it  must  be  swallowed  without 
a  grain  of  salt.  Nor  must  rank  outsiders,  like 
you  and  me,  question  the  practicability  and 
scientific  accuracy  of  the  thing,  though  it  appears 
to  ordinary  mortals,  about  as  substantial  as  soup, 
as  clear  as  mud  and  as  scientific  as  rank  idiocy. 
A  man  would  be  "bug  house"  to  insist  that  a 
mule  cannot  climb  a  tree,  if  he  never  saw  one 
try.  So,  how  do  we  know  what  Socialism  can 
do,  when  it  has  never  had  a  chance  to  turn  itself 
loose?  How  do  we  know  but  the  very  things 
that  have  made  rakes  and  villains  out  of  men 
under  the  "Reign  of  Capitalism,"  may  be  the 
exact  combination  when  socialistically  blended, 
that  will  make  dimpled  darlings  and  fluffy- 
winged  birds  of  paradise  out  of  them  under  the 
rule  of  "Socialism?"  The  difference  under  the 
two  systems  of  economics  may,  after  all,  lie  in 
the  established  method  of  cooking  or  gobbling 
your  grub.  Now,  Darius  Green  could  not,  and 


166  THE    UNDER    PUP 

did  not,  succeed  in  inventing  a  flying  machine 
that  would  fly.  The  Wright  brothers  of  Ohio, 
could,  and  did.  Perhaps,  by  putting  on  social- 
istic eye  glasses,  and  critically  investigating  the 
problem  of  failure  and  success,  from  the  scientific 
Marxian  standpoint,  you  will  find  that  the  reason 
Green  failed  and  the  Wrights  succeeded,  was 
because  Darius  mixed  his  flies  and  molasses, 
while  Orville  and  Wilbur  took  theirs  straight. 

When  a  boy  I  ate  green  apples  and  was  sent 
home  howling  with  the  colic.  Jim  Jeeter  ate 
more  than  I  did,  and  from  the  same  tree,  frisked 
like  a  lamb  and  cavorted  like  a  colt.  He  ex- 
plained, afterwards,  that  the  reason  they  gave 
me  the  cramps  and  made  him  feel  so  exuberantly 
good,  was  because  I  didn't  know  how  to  tackle 
them — that  I  always  began  eating  a  green  apple 
at  the  wrong  end.  Who  knows,  Mike,  but  the 
secret  of  the  genial  good  fellowship,  and  moral 
perfection  of  coming  socialistic  citizenship,  will 
be  discovered  in  the  way  they  will  take  their 
toddy  and — wear  their  hats? 

Under  capitalistic  rule,  we  always  have  been 
rakishly  careless  of  our  drinking  habits.  We've 
'just  been  satisfied  with  any  old  stuff,  and  always 
idrank  it  from  the  top  of  the  glass.  Socialists, 
after  making  it  pure,  and  cheap,  and  plenty,  and 
as  free  as  water,  may  have  a  different  manner 


THE    UNDER   PUP  167 

of  walking  up  to  the  bar  and  gulping  it  down — 
perhaps  they  will  sip  it  from  the  bottom  of  the 
glass,  instead  of  from  the  top,  and  thus  get  a 
different,  peaceful,  moralizing  effect  from  any- 
thing heretofore  known  in  bibulous  experience. 
There  will,  perhaps,  be  no  fight  in  Socialist 
apple  jack.  Just  a  hilarious,  joyous,  love  pro- 
ducing whang. 

But  this  thing  should  not  be  passed  over 
lightly,  Mike.  It  is  a  serious  proposition  and 
requires  the  "seriousest"  kind  of  consideration. 
Here  is  the  human  race — the  top  notch  wrinkle 
of  creative  efficiency,  now  thousands,  and  thous- 
ands, and  thousands  of  years  old.  It  has  been 
practiced  on  by  all  the  economic,  moral  experts, 
and  soul  cure  quacks,  of  all  ages,  and  from  the 
socialistic  standpoint,  still  looks  rank,  and  acts 
wicked.  Just  look  what  it  really  has  come  to, 
and  how  vile  and  degenerate  it  actually  is.  It 
has  wickedly  agreed  to  the  following  "horrific" 
conditions : 

It  has  agreed  that,  where  one  man  and  one 
woman  find  they  are  congenial,  and  suited  to 
each  other,  and  decide  to  live  together  and  build 
up  a  home,  they  must  get  married  legally  and 
live  for  each  other  alone  till  they  hit  the  divorce 
court  or  the  crack  of  doom.  If  they  have 
children,  they  can  call  them  their  own,  be  proud 


168  THE    UNDER   PUP 

of,  be  comforted  by,  love,  caress,  educate  and 
protect  them,  and  in  the  end,  give  them  an  in- 
heritance and  start  them  on  the  road  to  happiness 
and  success  for  themselves.  If  they,  in  turn,  are 
frugal  and  industrious,  and  make  money,  and  lay 
aside  for  their  children,  for  a  rainy  day — for  old 
age — their  thrift  and  their  property  rights  are 
to  be  commended  and  legally  protected.  If 
others  would  take  this  from  them  by  force  or 
stealth,  governments,  courts,  laws,  fines  and 
prisons  have  been  established  to  restrain  them 
and  punish  them,  and  so,  comes  property  rights 
and  repressive  laws.  Religion  has  been  recog- 
nized as  embodying  the  elements  essential  to  the 
healthful  needs  of  the  human  soul  as  the  basic 
inspiring  element  of  the  highest  form  of  civiliza- 
tion. It  comforts  the  afflicted,  consoles  the  dis- 
tressed, gives  peace  to  the  dying  and  imparts 
hope  of  heaven  as  the  reward  for  wholesome  and 
virtuous  living.  It  makes  men  honest  and  up- 
right, brotherly  and  helpful,  noble  and  clean. 
It  teaches  that  sickness  and  shame  and  disgrace 
are  the  penalties  attached  to  the  transgression  of 
physical  and  moral  law,  and  that  future  retri- 
bution will  be  meted  out  for  a  life  of  wickedness 
and  disobedience  to  the  laws  of  God,  which  in- 
volve the  higher  laws  of  life. 

It  is  awful,  Mike,  for  a  lazy  man,  who  thinks 


THE    UNDER    PUP  169 

it  is  his  right  to  do  as  he  pleases,  to  be  arrested 
and  fined  for  vagrancy — just  because  he  don't 
want  to  work;  to  be  jailed  for  assault  when  he 
gets  mad  and  whips  a  man  proper ;  to  be  arrested 
for  theft  because  he  is  hungry  and  ragged,  and 
just  takes  what  he  wants  from  those  who  have 
plenty ;  to  be  hung  for  murder,  and  then,  after  he 
is  dead,  be  sent  to  hell  yet.  No  wonder  the 
average  scalawag  turns  to  Socialism  as  more 
congenial  to  his  tastes,  when  he  once  learns  what 
it  really  teaches. 

It  has  also  been  agreed  among  "capitalistic" 
subjects  that  a  man  must  be  industrious,  and  use 
his  grey  matter,  if  he  would  succeed  in  life;  that 
he  must  either  work  or  go  hungry. 

Brain  power  and  brain  work  always  have  been, 
and  always  will  be,  recognized  among  men  as 
superior  to  mere  physical  strength  and  manual 
labor.  In  this  world  there  always  has  been  more 
beef  than  brains  on  tap.  It  has  been  an  accepted 
fact  that  no  philosophy  of  life,  and  no  system 
of  ethics,  can  be  maintained  without  organization, 
and  no  organization  can  be  perpetuated  without 
established  laws,  penalties  and  rewards.  Indi- 
vidual initiative,  has  been  conceded  as  essential 
to  national  progress,  and  to  the  highest  interests 
of  an  advancing  civilization.  Human  society  al- 
ways has  accorded  the  highest  honors  to  great 


170  THE    UNDER   PUP 

leaders  in  all  intellectual  pursuits,  to  the  men 
who  can  do  the  most  and  do  it  best.  It  has  given 
a  free  hand  of  encouragement  to  the  law  of  com- 
petition. When  men  compete  in  any  given  field, 
the  highest  efficiency  is  attained,  and  the  best 
results  are  secured  through  granting  the  right 
of  patent — and  the  individual  ownership  of  dis- 
coveries— to  the  inventor  or  discoverer ;  more  and 
better  labor-saving  inventions  have  come  to  aid, 
and  lift  the  burdens  of  all  classes,  because  of  this 
recognized  right.  Without  individual  initiative, 
without  free  competition  and  individual  reward, 
it  has  been  held  that  the  existing  high  type  of 
inventive  genius  could  not  have  been  evolved. 
It  is  one  of  the  recognized  laws  of  life,  that 
in  all  fields  of  activity  the  best  man  wins;  that 
to  the  winner  belongs  the  prize;  and  that  it  is 
criminal  to  refuse,  to  the  more  efficient,  the 
greater  reward.  To  offer  no  reward  for  superior 
attainment  is  to  openly  bid  for  industrial  stag- 
nation, while  to  offer  the  highest  reward  for  the 
greatest  efficiency  is  to  sound  the  keynote  of 
progress.  In  the  latter  event,  natural  selection 
and  the  survival  of  the  fittest,  determine  the  rela-i 
tive  position  of  workers  in  their  relation  to  the 
various  departments  of  industry — also  to  the 
question  of  wages.  No  purchaser — not  even  a 
Socialist — will  pay  as  much  for  a  weak,  and  slow. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  171 

horse,  as  he  will  for  a  strong,  and  fast  one;  nor 
will  he  give  as  much  for  a  non-productive  farm 
as  for  a  productive  one.  Wage  justice  can  only 
be  determined  on  the  same  basis.  To  pay  weak, 
and  slow  men,  as  high  wages  as  strong  men  is  to 
place  a  premium  on  slow,  inefficient  work. 

Vagrancy  laws  are  being  made  more  drastic 
all  the  time,  as  a  protection  to  society  against 
the  indolent  and  worthless.  The  law  of  merit  has 
been  established,  to  draw  out  of  the  mass  the 
mettle  in  them,  to  lift  men  higher  than  mere 
"hewers  of  wood  and  drawers  of  water." 

Wages  are  now  the  highest  known  in  the  his- 
tory of  human  industry,  and  are  gradually  and 
constantly  on  the  increase.  Men  who  are  "un- 
derlings" under  the  present  system,  society  de- 
clares, would  be  underlings  under  any  system. 
Most  of  them  are  such  because  of  dissipated 
habits,  physical  indolence,  or  mental  incapacity 
for  a  larger  grasp  of  things.  No  civilization  can 
give  a  man  capacity  and  efficiency,  beyond  the 
limits  of  his  mental  organization;  nor  will  it  put 
a  dissolute  man  to  do  an  upright  man's  job,  nor 
an  indolent  man  to  do  an  industrious  jnan's 
work,  nor  a  careless  man  where  care  is  required, 
nor  a  drinking  man  where  soberness  is  essential. 
Nor  will  men,  yet  put  an  ignoramus  where  genius 
is  demanded,  nor  a  wood  chopper  to  do  landscape 


172  THE    UNDER   PUP 

gardening.  By  common  consent,  both  the  social 
and  economic  law  has  been  established,  to  the 
effect  that,  if  men  will  spend  their  time  and 
money  in  dissipation  or  idleness,  they,  and  not 
society,  must  be  held  responsible  for  the  conse- 
quent suffering  and  poverty  they  must  endure. 
The  inequalities  that  now  exist  in  the  world, 
are  traceable,  in  the  main,  to  one  of  four  causes- 
vagrant  disposition,  mental  incapacity  for  ad- 
vanced service  positions,  dissipated  habits  or  the 
uniform  misfortunes  to  which  all  men  are  com- 
mon heirs. 

The  larger  number  of  society's  dependents 
today,  by  far,  can  trace  their  misfortunes  to  dis- 
sipation, indolence  or  extravagance  on  their  own 
part,  or  on  the  part  of  those  whom  they  would 
not,  or  could  not  control,  and  on  whom  they  were 
dependent. 

Now,  Mike,  all  this,  Socialism  declares,  is  radi- 
cally wrong;  is  vicious  in  nature,  inhuman  in  fact 
and  despicable  in  practice.  It  insists  that  there 
is  a  remedy  for  all  human  ills,  all  economic  in- 
equalities, all  social  abnormalities  and  all  of 
everything,  in  the  nature  of  human  misery,  that 
is  the  result  of  the  social  conditions  of  the  time. 

It  insists  that  it  has  discovered  the  infallible 
remedy,  now  has  it  on  ice,  and  proposes  to  apply 
it  and  drive  it  in  with  bandages  and  hot  packs. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  173 

All  it  asks  is  just  one  wide-open  chance,  and  that 
chance  it  proposes  to  take  if  it  has  to  shoot 
daylight  out  of  most  of  us  to  get  it.  All  you 
have  to  do  to  know  it  is  in  dead  earnest  is  to 
take  one  squint  at  its  phiz. 

What  is  the  remedy,  Mike?  More  government 
and  more  laws?  Not  if  the  "Court  knows  her- 
self, and  she  thinks  she  does." 

Socialism,  as  a  mild  starter,  declares  it  will 
overthrow  the  government  and  utterly  destroy 
both  the  law  and  the  power  that  executes  it. 
Will  it  wipe  out  present  inequalities  in  society? 
It  says  it  most  certainly  will.  But  how?  By 
uplifting  the  lower  classes?  Not  on  your  jug 
handle.  It  will  confiscate  the  "Public  means  of 
production,"  confiscate  the  private  property  of 
the  capitalistic  classes,  deny  the  right  of  private 
ownership  to  the  home-owning  class  and  drag 
everybody  and  everything  down  to  its  own  level, 
where  not  a  soul  will  own  a  sou.  It  will  be  a 
leveler  from  Levelville.  Inequalities  will  be 
wiped  out,  "Alle  same,  cows  tail,  down  hill." 

Will  it  do  it  by  making  happier  and  more 
homesome  homes  ?  Well,  not  that  anybody  knows 
of.  It  proposes  to  destroy  the  institution  of  mar- 
riage, destroy  the  legal  marriage  tie,  herd  all 
human  bipeds  in  Community  houses,  or  some- 
thing like  that,  and  insists  that  legalized  individ- 


174  THE    UNDER   PUP 

ual  family  life  shall,  a  la  Uncle  Remus,  "be  no 
mo'."  Well  then,  is  it  going  to  heal  the  disease  by 
giving  the  world  a  new  and  more  effective  relig- 
ion. Uh,  uh,  Mike.  We  never  did  have  enough 
religion  to  hurt  anybody  and  what  little  we  do 
have  is  to  be  taken  away,  bag  and  baggage — just 
be  allowed  to  die  out.  It  proposes  to  wipe  out  the 
gold  paved  streets  of  the  "New  Jerusalem"  with 
all  other  capitalistic  institutions,  turn  the  hose  on 
the  fires  of  perdition,  and  give  us  the  consoling 
hope  of  finally  being  snuffed  out  like  fire  flies — 
a  leap  in  the  dark — an  eternal  jamboree  of  for- 
getfulness. 

Will  it  make  these  ills  depart  by  making  men 
more  dependent  on  each  other?  "Not  in  the 
Springtime,  Gentle  Annie."  We  are  to  be  com- 
mitted to  Materialism  as  the  "full  consequence 
of  Socialist  Philosophy,"  which  teaches  that  the 
mind  is  only  a  function  of  the  brain,  "The  human 
will  is  nothing  but  attraction,  and  man  should 
do  whatever  he  likes."  Like  cuckoos,  Mike,  each 
will  travel  alone.  "Get  out  of  the  way  here,  I'm 
strongest,  and  I'm  coming — I  want  it,  and  I'll 
take  it,"  will  be  the  law. 

Well,  Horatio,  what  is  this  infallible  panacea 
that  is  to  cure  all  human  ills  at  one  bump? 

Why  bless  your  ignorant,  simple  soul,  Mike, 
it  is  just  grub — plain,  old-fashioned,  country 


THE    UNDER   PUP  175 

grub,  a  few  glad  rags  of  Socialistic  purple  and 
fine  linen  for  the  human  back,  a  bunk  in  the 
Community  house  to  snooze  in,  a  pocketful  of 
Socialist  time  checks  for  tobacco  and  whiskey, 
and  the  thing  is  "did."  No  use  to  trouble  your 
soul,  reform  and  regeneration  will  come  from 
outside,  and  through  the  stomach.  You  are  the 
victim  of  physical  forces.  When  they  act  you 
will  be  good  whether  you  want  to  or  not.  No 
mourners'  bench  in  the  Socialist  church. 

Shades  of  satisfaction,  Mike,  what  a  glorious 
revelation.  What  a  royal  soul-curing  panacea. 
A  comrade  gets  chesty  and  wants  to  boss  some- 
body. What  is  to  be  done  about  it?  Whip  it 
out  of  him?  No,  siree,  just  cram  him  with  apple 
dumplings  and  custard  pie,  and  he  will  subside 
at  once.  That  will  make  him  as  "Meek  as 
Moses"  and  save  the  shedding  of  blood.  Sup- 
pose some  old  plute  should  become  obstreperous 
and  insist  on  getting  married,  in  a  legal  way,  to 
some  one  beautiful  woman  for  the  rest  of  his 
natural  life,  own  his  own  mansion,  rear  and 
educate  his  own  brood?  Then  what?  Just  stuff 
him  with  a  primary  concoction  or  Carl  Marxian 
sauerkraut  and  wienerwurst.  That  will  settle  liis 
aristocratic  hash  in  two  winks.  But  some  fellow 
may  get  politically  ambitious  and  want  to  be  the 
chief  squeeze  of  the  Commonwealth.  What  is  to 


176  THE    UNDER   PUP 

be  done  with  him?  Now  that  is  serious.  What 
is  to  be  done  with  him?  Why,  give  him  a  So- 
cialistic cocktail,  a  fine  suit  of  consecrated  So- 
cialistically  woven  broadcloth,  a  dish  of  straw- 
berries and  cream  and  every  drop  of  ambitious 
political  sin  will  exhale  in  an  hour,  and  he  will 
be  the  humblest  "Comrade"  of  the  international 
bull  pen  for  life.  He  will  curl  up  and  sleep  it 
off  like  a  stuffed  pup. 

But  now,  suppose  two  ambitious  young  swains 
should  fall  head  over  heels  in  love  with  some 
sweet-faced  Lulu,  who  could  not  decide  which 
she  would  choose  for  the  time  being,  and  get  into 
a  regular  Johnson- Jeffries  fistic  jamboree?  How 
about  that?  Why,  just  call  the  Community  cook 
to  treat  them  to  a  pailful  of  Socialistic  hot  slop. 
Instantly  "There  will  be  peace  on  the  Poto- 
mac," in  the  whole  camp.  And  last  of  all,  if 
some  foolish  mother  should  insist  on  owning  her 
own  children  and  bringing  them  up  in  the  "fear 
of  the  Lord,"  if  she  should  demand  that  she 
be  allowed  to  live  alone  and  keep  her  own  house, 
what  could  be  done?  Oh,  just  feed  her  for  a 
month  or  two  on  the  sincere  milk  of  Socialistic 
materialism,  and  she'd  be  all  right  and  no  scars. 
Great  is  Socialism,  Mike.  Great  is  Carl  Marx. 
But  how  did  he  make  the  discovery?  How  is  it 
that  the  question  of  food  and  raiment,  and 


THE    UNDER   PUP  177 

riches,  and  houses,  under  Socialism  works  such 
wonders  in  making  cherubs  of  mankind,  when 
they  only  made  trouble  and  strife  in  the  world 
under  other  systems?  Probably  the  affinity  busi- 
ness explains  the  secret  and  does  the  job.  George 
D.  Herron  ought  to  know.  Sure,  Mike,  let's 
write  and  ask  him  about  it.  You  know  he  ate 
the  grub  cooked  by  a  loving,  faithful,  capital- 
istic wife  for  many  years,  and  all  the  time  was 
a  republican  and  full  of  sin.  Then  he  selected 
his  Socialistic  affinity,  went  to  subsisting  on  af- 
finity-cooked "mixins,"  got  the  Socialistic  mi- 
crobe in  his  hide  and  got  it  bad,  became  econom- 
ically perfect,  morally  above  Christianity  and 
was  elected  American  international  secretary  of 
world- wide  Socialism — the  only  perfect  cult  the 
world  has  yet  brought  forth.  He  now  advises 
everybody  else  to  take  the  same  dose.  Assures 
us  they  will  be  as  perfect  as  he  is  if  they  only 
will,  and  I  reckon  that's  "no  lie."  The  affinity 
remedy  might  be  a  fine  thing — for  geese. 

Just  think  of  it,  Mike.  Confucius,  Siva, 
Budda,  Moses,  Zoroaster  and  a  world  of  great 
souls,  full  of  the  love  of  mankind,  did  all  their 
profound  minds  and  generous  spirits  could  con- 
ceive of,  to  uplift  the  race  and  make  perfect  the 
life  that  now  is.  They  left  the  earth,  no  doubt, 
dreaming  that  perfection  would  reign  because 


178  THE    UNDER   PUP 

they  had  lived,  and  loved,  and  hoped,  and  taught, 
and  died.  But  alas,  only  one  here,  and  one  there, 
has  been  cleansed  and  clothed  upon.  The  great 
nations  of  the  ages  have  still  remained  imperfect, 
the  rank  and  file  of  men  have  continued  selfish 
and  full  of  perversity.  But  they  missed  the 
mark,  Mike.  They  thought  the  seat  of  the  dis- 
ease was  in  the  soul,  and  they  shot  at  that.  But 
now  comes  the  mighty  Carl  Marx,  unlimbers  his 
tremendous  think  tank,  and,  lo,  finds  the  seat  of 
the  trouble  in  the  stomach  and  on  the  back;  yells 
"houses,  food,  raiment,"  and  the  remedy  stalks 
majestically  forth;  the  world  is  perfect.  Good 
grub  and  glad  rags  will  "did"  it.  At  that  majes- 
tic cry,  sin  and  selfishness  make  a  break  for  tall 
timber,  skedaddle,  vamouse,  hike,  get  out  of 
breath  and  die. 

One  would  think  these  old  reformers,  who 
tried  so  hard,  prayed  so  earnestly  and  accom- 
plished so  little,  would  consult,  come  forth  in  dire 
shame,  march  up  to  the  mighty  Carl,  make  their 
profoundest,  then  solemnly  and  sorrowfully  kick 
each  other  into  deep  blue  ether,  for  not  having 
thought  of  it  themselves.  Say,  Mike,  this  is  aw- 
ful tobacco  I  am  smoking  tonight.  I'll  bet  the 
man  that  mixed  it  is  a  bloomin,'  degenerate  scab. 
I  do  for  a  fact. 


TALK  TEN 

ON  THE  question  of  life  and  happiness,  Mike, 
the  vagaries  of  Socialism  are,  almost  exactly, 
synonymous  with  the  idiosyncracies  of  childhood. 
When  you  place  them  side  by  side  and  examine 
their  earmarks,  they  are  as  near  alike  as  two 
peas. 

Children  are  mostly  always  hungry.  Outside 
of  healthy  growing  youngsters  and  young 
hounds,  Socialism  is  about  the  hungriest  thing 
that  ever  came  down  the  pike. 

The  plans,  and  desires,  and  foresight  of  So- 
cialists are  fully  as  immature,  as  illogical  and  as 
reckless,  as  those  of  childhood. 

Give  children  plenty  to  eat,  plenty  to  wear 
and  a  comfortable  home,  and  they  are  happy  and 
contented.  Food,  clothing  and  shelter  form  the 
ground  plea  of  Socialism. 

Children  expect  everything  as  the  result  of  the 
labor  of  others.  The  philosophy  of  Socialism  is, 
to  get  a  constantly  increasing  supply  from  a 
gradually  decreasing  effort. 

Children  have  no  adequate  sense  of  the  rights 
of  ownership.  If  they  see  others  have  better 
things,  their  first  impulse  is  to  take  and  appro- 
priate them  to  their  own  use. 

179 


180  THE    UNDER   PUP 

Socialism,  equally  deficient  and  equally  en- 
vious of  the  fortunate,  insists  that  the  way  to 
secure  a  just  distribution  of  the  good  things  of 
the  earth,  is  to  confiscate  them  from  those  who 
have,  and  distribute  the  rights  of  ownership, 
equally,  to  those  who  have  not — and  this  too  with 
no  more  thought  of  the  need  of  primary  com- 
pensation than  a  lot  of  kindergarten  kids. 

Children  are  always  ready  to  hold  common 
things  in  common.  Socialism,  with  no  sense  of 
the  rights  of  personal  ownership,  demands  that 
all  things  be  held  in  common.  Children  dream, 
that  when  the  larder  is  full  of  good  things  to 
eat,  the  closet  full  of  clothing  to  wear  and  the 
home  as  good  as  the  home  of  others,  life  need 
Lave  no  other  cares.  If  that  is  not  Socialistic 
philosophy  to  a  T,  then,  Mike,  I'm  a  Dago.  That 
is  a  basic  plea  of  the  cult  the  world  over. 

Children  believe  that  when  everybody  has 
plenty,  everybody  will  be  good.  Socialism  in- 
sists that  when  everybody  has  plenty,  everybody 
will  not  only  be  good,  but  everybody  will  be 
faultless.  Mohammedans  are  said  to  believe  that 
when  Mahomet  went  to  the  mountain,  an  angel 
opened  his  heart  and  removed  the  drop  of  orig- 
inal sin,  and  he  was  thereafter  perfect. 

Socialism  believes  that  an  abundance  of  food, 
shelter  and  glad  rags,  will  do  the  same  for  the 


THE    UNDER   PUP  181 

whole  human  race.  When  the  "Industrial  Com- 
monwealth" is  ushered  in  and  things  are  Social- 
istically  administered,  misery  and  sin  will  scoot 
from  the  earth,  like  cattle  rustlers  from  a  pla- 
toon of  mounted  Canadian  police.  Children  uni- 
formly want  to  do  as  they  please.  The  Socialistic 
idea  is  that,  "The  human  will  is  nothing  but 
attraction,  and  man  should  do  whatever  he  likes." 

Children  are  against  authority,  against  gov- 
erning rules,  against  punishment  for  disobedi- 
ence. Socialism  would  overthrow  all  govern- 
ment over  men,  and  substitute  only  an  "Admin- 
istration of  things."  It  would  destroy  all  "re- 
pressive" statutes,  as  with  all  government  up- 
rooted, there  can  be  no  crime.  Children  play 
"hooky,"  "soldier,"  and  do  as  little  work  as 
possible.  Socialism  is  praying  for  the  time  to 
come  when  the  labor  day  will  be  so  short  that 
a  Socialist  going  to  work  will,  just  as  he  hits  the 
gate,  meet  himself  coming  back. 

Children  have  no  use  for  marriage.  From 
what  Socialist  authors,  who  have  written  on  the 
subject  say,  neither  has  Socialism.  The  ideas 
of  children  on  the  question  come  from  ignorance. 
Those  of  Socialism  come  from  cussedness. 

Children  have  very  few  aristocratic  ideas.  So- 
cialism has  none.  Children  are  not  particular  as 
to  their  associates.  Neither  is  Socialism. 


182  THE    UNDER   PUP 

Children  do  not  understand  the  law  of  die- 
tetics, and  so  often  bring  on  attacks  of  illness 
from  over-eating  unhealthy  food.  Socialism  in 
its  ideas  of  healthful  existence  forgets  that  the 
largest  amount  of  actual  physical  suffering 
among  men  is  among  the  "idle  rich,"  and  that 
most  of  that  comes  from,  not  over-feeding  so 
much  as  from  highly  seasoned  and  rich  food, 
accompanied  by  lack  of  exercise.  Among  the 
"middle  classes"  there  is  much  more  of  the  rich 
man's  trouble  than  formerly.  This  comes  from 
the  present  and  rising  generation,  apeing  the 
unhealthful  dressing,  the  late  hours  and  the 
profligate  habits  and  dissipations  of  the  vul- 
gar and  dissolute  rich.  Go  to  any  popular 
physician's  office  in  the  average  fashionable 
or  semi-fashionable  district,  in  the  afternoon 
of  any  day.  You  will  be  surprised  at  the 
painted,  card-playing,  dancing  dames  crowded 
around  on  the  outer  office  seats,  waiting  their 
turns  to  be  treated  to  dope  dished  out  by  a  physi- 
cian, too  polite  to  tell  them  bluntly  the  exact 
truth.  Were  he  to  be  more  truthful  and  less 
polite,  he  would  more  likely  say  to  nineteen- 
twentieths  of  them:  "What  you  need,  is  not 
medicine.  You  have  no  business  in  a  physician's 
office  at  any  stage  of  the  game.  Go  home  and 
take  care  of  your  babies  as  a  mother  should. 


THE    UXDER    PUP  183 

Turn  the  hired  baby  tender  off  and  give  to  your 
offspring  a  mother's  care  and  a  mother's  love, 
instead  of  a  stranger's  care  from  dollar  love.  Let 
up  on  these  pink  teas,  card  parties  and  midnight 
luncheons  on  indigestible  nothings ;  stay  at  home 
more,  be  a  helpmate,  instead  of  a  languid,  fliffy, 
floffy  help-eat;  cook,  wash  and  do  the  part  in 
keeping  the  home  that  your  husband  must  do 
to  keep  above  the  mire;  see  that  your  society 
relaxation  is  a  restful,  helpful  pastime  that  fits 
you  for  usefulness,  instead  of  an  absorbing  pas- 
sion that  takes  you  the  pace  that  kills.  Make 
your  husband  and  your  children  your  compan- 
ions and  chums,  instead  of  society  dandies  and 
skye  terriers.  Be  just  as  helpful,  industrious  and 
companionable  as  you  have  tried  to  be  orna- 
mental and  socially  conspicuous,  and  if  you 
don't  become  so  voraciously  healthy,  inside  of 
six  months,  that  corn  beef  and  cabbage  will  taste 
better  than  oyster  cocktail,  my  advice  will  not 
cost  you  a  red  cent." 

Now,  Mike,  I  am  not  just  moralizing.  I'm 
a  tramp,  and  not  supposed  to  know  much  about 
these  high  and  mighty  fashionable  prize  winners 
at  the  Court  of  Flora  McFlimsey;  but  I've  seen 
enough  and  heard  enough  to  know  that  much 
of  the  dissatisfaction  of  the  real  mothers  of  this 
land — the  healthy,  industrious  wives  of  the 


184  THE    UNDER   PUP 

''lower  classes"  is  born  of  the  natural  envy  that 
is  aroused  by  the  silly  upish  conduct  of  the  blis- 
tered upper  crust.  Girls  who  have  left  in  their 
hearts  a  modicum  of  self-respect — who  refuse  to 
live  in  the  kitchen  and  sleep  in  a  meaner  corner 
than  the  Madam's  skye  terrier,  refuse  to  work  for 
them  longer,  and  the  sloppy  help  they  do  get  is 
next  to  worthless.  Socialism,  as  I  was  saying, 
is  childish,  and  one  of  these  days  it  will  sweep 
into  its  ranks  all  this  riff  raff  before  society 
knows  anything  about  it.  And  then,  Mike,  look 
out.  Every  poor  woman  that  has  been  mis- 
treated and  run  over,  that  has  been  heartlessly 
elbowed  aside,  will  have  years  of  insult  to 
avenge;  and  sister  wash  tub,  sister  servant  girl, 
sister  scrub  woman,  sister  soiled  dove,  all  have 
strong  bodies,  and  can  strike  hard,  and  strike 
straight. 

The  good  society  doctor  had  better  lay  aside 
his  unctious  politeness,  and  begin  telling  his 
fashionable  patients  the  truth — telling  them  that 
it  is  less  vulgar  to  be  industrious  and  healthy, 
than  it  is  to  be  trifling  and  lazy,  yielding  to 
insipid  society  habits,  and  diseases  solely  of  the 
imagination.  Tell  them  that  God  intended 
them  to  be  useful,  and  homesomely  helpful,  and 
that  it  is  just  the  right  time  for  them  to  begin  the 
moment  they  get  home.  Tell  them  to  make 


THE    UNDER   PUP  185 

health  popular,  instead  of  languor  and  pretended 
half-invalidism. 

He  will  likely  lose  a  lot  of  that  "handsome  is, 
as  handsome  does"  patronage — not  patients,  a 
thing  they  never  were — by  it,  and  perhaps  his 
wife  will  get  the  society  cold  shoulder,  but  he  will 
be  a  benefactor  to  a  lot  of  heart  sick  and  dis- 
gusted husbands,  help  to  save  a  nation  and  a 
civilization,  if  he  can  screw  his  courage  up  to  the 
heroic  notch  where  his  manly  duty  lies.  Give 
good  advice,  instead  of  bad  medicine. 

The  danger  in  Socialism,  Mike,  lies  in  the  pro- 
found truth  that  its  viewpoint  of  things  is  the 
viewpoint  of  childhood,  that  it  acts  on  the  basis 
of  desire  instead  of  reason. 

What  do  children  know  about  the  true  science 
of  the  sterner  affairs  of  life?  Were  they  to  be 
invited  to  establish  a  government  as  a  model  for 
the  human  race,  that  should,  in  no  way,  be 
framed  after  any  known  or  tried  form,  how  do 
you  suppose  they  would  go  about  it,  Mike?  Do 
you  think  it  would  be  anything  like  the  "Com- 
monwealth" that  Socialism  has  planned? 

In  the  first  place,  children  would  likely  know, 
even  with  their  limited  experience,  that  you 
can't  take  the  rascality  out  of  a  boy  by  just  giv- 
ing him  good  shelter,  clothing  him  in  purple  and 
fine  linen,  and  stuffing  him  with  grub.  They 


186  THE    UNDER   PUP 

have  seen  that  some  of  the  most  headstrong, 
selfish  and  vicious  little  ruffians  among  them  have 
always  been  the  best  clothed,  the  best  fed  and 
the  best  housed.  They  have  found  that  nothing 
ever  tamed  them  but  a  good  mauling,  and  the 
fear  of  another  one  just  like  it.  So,  I  reckon, 
wiser  than  their  grown-up,  duplicate  thinkers, 
they  would,  judiciously,  make  a  few  stringent 
laws  to  repress  their  brutal  nature  when  it 
should  crop  out  too  strongly. 

I  also  think  they  would  make  some  wise  pro- 
visions for  religious  liberty  and  religious  pro- 
tection ;  for  the  unpoisoned  soul  of  an  intelligent 
boy  senses  a  finer  clime  for  good  men,  after  the 
summer  of  this  life  closes,  just  as  the  instinct 
of  a  bird  tells  it  of  a  June  some  other  place, 
when  the  frosts  of  December  come  in  this  North- 
ern land.  Nature  has  not  lied  to  the  birds,  and 
no  thoughtful  boy  believes  it  has  lied  to  him. 

Children  would  fail  to  provide  proper  safe- 
guards in  many  governmental  features,  but  fail- 
ure would  be  the  result  of  ignorance. 

Socialism  would  fail  in  almost  every  function 
of  safe  and  stable  government.  Its  failure,  how- 
ever, would  not  always,  as  in  the  case  of  chil- 
dren, be  from  lack  of  knowledge.  It  would  more 
likely  be  the  result  of  a  desire  for  untrammeled 
license. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  187 

On  the  question  of  wages,  the  parallel  between 
childhood  and  Socialism  is  equally  as  striking. 
Children  have  no  idea  of  the  costs  involved  in 
the  production  of  commodities.  Socialism  is 
equally  dense  as  to  the  grades  of  knowledge 
required  to  carry  on  the  different  lines  of  skilled 
workmanship.  If  one  boy,  who  could  do  more 
and  do  it  better  than  his  associates,  were  to  re- 
ceive higher  wages,  some  of  the  more  ignorant 
boys  would  be  jealous  and  make  trouble.  In 
Socialism,  those  whose  mental  capacity  could 
never  lift  them  above  the  roughest  manual  toil, 
would  be  the  first  to  cry  out  against  those  who 
mixed  brains  with  their  work  and  received  the 
higher  wage.  Children  would  get  into  an  inex- 
tricable tangle  on  the  wage  question.  Socialists 
would  not  get  into  it,  they  are  into  it  now  up  to 
their  chins. 

To  harmonize  the  tanglesome  maze  their  eco- 
nomic big  wigs  have  made  all  sorts  of  sugges- 
tions. Still  the  tangle  remains.  It  is  too  deep 
water  for  mere  wind- jamming  philosophy.  One 
solution  offered  is  what  is  called,  "Rotation  in 
office."  This,  when  analyzed,  is  so  idiotic  and 
ridiculous  as  to  only  create  amusement.  That 
theory  reduced  to  practice  would  make  the  most 
versatile  people  on  earth.  One  day  you  would 
be  a  doctor,  the  next  day  a  painter,  the  next  day 


188  THE    UNDER    PUP 

a  printer,  the  next  day  a  carpenter,  the  next  a 
baker,  the  next  a  miller,  the  next  an  electrician 
and  so  on  till  each  man  would  get  around  to  all 
the  trades  and  professions.  Under  that  rule 
every  man  would  get  equal  wages,  because  each 
would  do  an  equal  amount  of  the  same  kind  of 
work.  Suppose  you  were  to  be  taken  seriously 
ill  the  day  the  hod  carrier,  or  the  cuspidor 
cleaner,  had  his  turn  playing  doctor?  Be  com- 
forting, wouldn't  it,  Mike  ?  Get  sick  on  purpose, 
wouldn't  you? 

Then  the  "Iron  law  of  wages"  has  been  seri- 
ously suggested,  but  that  theory  has  been  so 
often  and  so  fully  exploded,  that  no  one  would 
think  of  adopting  it  but  a  child  or  a  Socialist, 
and  not  many  of  them. 

Others  have  insisted  that  the  "Social  unit" 
should  settle  the  question.  Marx  supposed  that 
the  equitable  way  would  be  to  pay  wages  on  the 
basis  of  the  average  work  done  in  a  given  time. 
Bebel  supposed  the  most  equitable  solution 
would  be,  not  only  pay  as  to  the  time  spent,  but 
a  further  consideration  should  cover  the  question 
of  the  "intrinsic  value"  of  the  work  done.  And 
still  others,  these  the  chaps  with  big  families, 
no  doubt,  have  urged  that  a  man  should  receive 
as  his  share  for  labor  performed,  not  what  he 
"creates"  but  in  proportion  to  his  needs.  Others 


THE    UNDER    PUP  189 

have  declared  that  the  amount  a  "Comrade" 
should  receive  should  be  determined  by  his  dili- 
gence and  skill.  Another  insists  that  every  man 
should  be  paid  alike  regardless  of  brains,  effic- 
iency, quality  of  work  or  volume  of  output. 

So,  Mike,  you  can  see  what  economic  wisdom 
there  is  being  shown  in  their  settlement  of  the 
vexed  question  of  wages.  "What  you  do  not 
see,  ask  for,"  is  the  sign  over  the  Socialist  door. 
The  division  of  products,  among  the  producers, 
would  be  about  as  harmonious  as  the  division  of  a 
watermelon  would  be  among  a  lot  of  selfish  negro 
kids.  And  the  day  of  division  would  be  about 
as  orderly  and  peaceful  as  a  lot  of  society  women 
in  the  early  rush  at  a  dry  goods  "Remnant  Sale." 

Socialism  ought  to  find  some  standard  of 
agreement,  on  some  of  the  phases  of  wages  and 
distribution,  before  it  talks  so  cock-sure  of  the 
glory  it  would  be  able  to  bring  to  mankind. 

Land  being  one  of  the  "means  of  production," 
it  must  be  nationalized.  How  is  it  to  be  worked  ? 
On  lease?  Then,  who  is  to  do  the  leasing?  There 
being  no  law  over  men,  under  Socialism,  how 
can  the  poor  land  be  leased?  All  will  want  the 
best  land  or  none.  So,  only  weak  men  could  be 
forced  to  take  the  poorer  land;  and  then  only 
because  nothing  else  was  left.  There  would  grow 
up,  under  Socialism,  two  classes.  The  strong, 


190  THE    UNDER   PUP 

who,  by  virtue  of  their  superior  strength,  would 
select  the  best  and  hold  it — and  the  weak,  who, 
because  of  their  weakness,  would  be  forced  to 
take  that  which  is  left.  So,  classism  would  lack 
a  lot  of  being  dead  in  the  world.  The  profession- 
al wind-jammer,  who,  in  all  ages,  has  made  his 
living  on  the  lecture  platform  in  behalf  of  the 
"oppressed,"  at  so  much  per,  would  again  be 
in  clover.  But  how  about  beautifying  and  im- 
proving the  homes?  If  leases  are  short  and  un- 
certain, as  they  naturally  would  be,  who  will  im- 
prove, at  the  expense  of  great  labor  and  care, 
when  the  other  fellow  is  the  more  likely  to  come 
in  and  enjoy  it  next  year?  If  leases  are  made  of 
sufficient  length  to  evade  this  difficulty,  then 
comes  in  the  question  of  permanent  residence 
and  personal  ownership,  and  there  you  are.  So- 
cialism, as  to  non-private  ownership  of  the  means 
of  production,  in  that  event  goes  up  in  thin  air. 
Now,  Mike,  there  are  a  lot  of  things  you  and 
I  should  keep  distinctly  in  mind.  In  the  first 
place,  we  are  vags — we  are.  We  come  and  go 
when  and  where  we  please.  We  are  soldiers  of 
fortune.  All  last  summer  we  went  up  and  down 
the  land — as  we  have  for  years — begging  when  it 
was  profitable,  working  when  we  had  to  and 
sponging  when  good  nature  would  stand  for  it. 
We  found  that  the  political  fortunes  of  others — 


THE    UNDER   PUP  191 

men  and  parties — made  no  difference  to  us.  We 
lived  the  animal  life,  solely  and  completely,  in 
the  old  nomadic  way.  But  we  kept  our  eyes 
open  as  we  went  along.  We  found  much  misery 
in  the  world  on  many  sides.  I  studied  conditions 
as  we  found  them — with  the  single  purpose  of 
arriving  at  the  truth. 

The  meeting  with  Walter  Case,  his  offer  to 
hire  me  to  take  care  of  this  mountain  home  for 
the  winter — the  best  berth  I  have  had  for  ten 
years — settled  the  question  as  to  my  future.  He 
knew  I  was  a  bum,  but  took  me  on  trust,  and  I 
resolved  to  do  the  square  thing.  We  are  taking 
care  of  his  property  as  he  would  himself.  He 
is  sending  me  the  wages  promptly,  which  I  don't 
need.  I  am  sending  every  check  to  Betty  and 
the  babies — a  thing  which  I  think  they  do  need. 
By  accident  all  these  Socialist  books  were  here. 
So,  Mike,  from  what  we  have  seen,  and  what  we 
have  read,  it  is  a  pretty  clear  case  that  we  almost 
know  what  Socialism  teaches,  and,  if  given  a 
chance,  what  it  will  do.  From  all  this,  I  feel 
safe  in  saying  that  fully  nine-tenths  of  the  misery 
in  human  society  today — at  least  in  America — is 
the  direct  result  of  this  abnormal  get-rich-quick, 
high-living,  self-indulgent,  live-as-good-as-others 
spirit,  with  which  the  age  is  cursed.  Socialism  is 
the  political  turkey  buzzard  of  the  earth.  It  can 


192  THE    UNDER   PUP 

only  exist  because  of  the  inequalities,  the  oppres- 
sion and  the  misfortunes  at  the  congested  centers 
of  population.  When  men  prosper,  Socialism  is 
dumb.  Let  any  thoroughly  organized  philan- 
thropy take  colony  after  colony  of  the  indus- 
trious class,  who  would  work  and  make  some- 
thing out  of  life,  if  they  had  a  chance,  away  from 
the  congested  —  the  overcrowded  —  industrial 
centers,  to  rural  homes.  Give  them  land  and 
teach  them  how  to  cultivate  it  and  market  the 
produce.  Let  this  be  done  till  the  waste  lands  of 
the  South  and  Southwest  are  occupied,  and  con- 
gestion in  the  cities  is  removed.  Then  the  cost 
of  living,  as  well  as  the  rate  of  wages,  would  be 
equalized;  let  the  entrance  of  the  undesirable 
population  of  Europe  be  shut  off,  and  Socialism 
would  die  a  natural  death. 

Socialism  does  not  thrive  in  rural  communities. 
It  has  found  but  scant  foothold  among  the 
farming  classes,  and  it  must  go  out  of  business 
where  conditions  are  healthful.  In  America 
economic  sore  spots  are  the  exception,  not  the 
rule.  Suppose,  Mike,  that  we  keep  the  record 
straight.  Suppose  we  get  clear  in  our  minds 
what  Socialism  is  not,  as  fully  as  we  have  what 
it  is.  Municipal  ownership  of  light  and  water 
supply,  is  not  Socialism,  nor  Socialistic.  It  is 
applied  democracy.  It  is  a  constitutional  func- 


THE    UNDER    PUP  193 

tion  under  a  democratic  form  of  government. 
The  nationalization  of  the  postal  service  is  not 
Socialism.  It  is  democracy.  Government  con- 
trol of  transportation,  or  even  government  own- 
ership, would  be  in  full  harmony  with  our  demo- 
cratic constitution.  Public  schools  for  the  free 
education  of  our  children  is  democratic,  not  So- 
cialistic. Even  Socialist  standard  writers  in- 
sist that  public  ownership  under  democracy  is 
not  Socialistic.  When  we  talk  of  controlling  the 
trusts,  railways,  express  traffic,  telephone  and 
telegraph  systems ;  when  we  insist  on  wiping  out 
the  imperfections  in  the  industrial -world  today, 
by  governmental  action  and  control,  we  are  in 
full  accord  with  the  principles  of  a  democratic 
governmental  form.  Socialism  is  about  as  much 
needed  in  this  country  as  an  epidemic  of  Asiatic 
cholera.  All  this  nonsense,  that  we  must  turn 
the  entire  machinery  of  state  over  to  an  untried 
cult,  which,  in  its  efforts  to  right  the  wrongs  that 
unpatriotic  and  criminal  carelessness  has  allowed 
to  grow  up,  and  which  will  inevitably  destroy  law 
and  order,  and  all  healthful  conditions  that  now 
exist,  is  as  imbecile  as  Socialism  itself.  It  is  both 
childish  and  criminal.  When  you  see  a  lot  of 
super-educated  sentimentalists  and  sun-flower 
dreamers  together,  telling  how  some  form  of  So- 
cialism must  come  in,  to  right  our  wrongs;  hear- 


13 


194  THE    UNDER   PUP 

ing  them,  you  square  off  to  listen,  to  catch  wis- 
dom on  economics  by  the  hogshead.  You  fairly 
turn  sick  to  learn  that  their  ideas  are  the  same 
as  all  the  rest  of  the  breed,  of  the  untried,  un- 
sound, shady,  revolutionary  variety.  But  you 
never  need  to  expect  a  single  economically  ra- 
tional, or  politically  practical  suggestion,  from  a 
idreamer,  educated  or  illiterate.  You  never  can 
expect  a  rational,  logical  solution,  large  or 
small,  Mike,  from  a  sentimentalist.  He  lives 
entirely  in  his  sympathies  and  in  his  imagination. 
Give  any  one  of  them  a  chance  to  reform  any- 
thing— even  a  temperance  rally,  or  a  slot  machine 
crusade — and  he  will  run  it  into  the  ridiculous, 
inside  of  a  month.  The  only  thing  one  of  them 
ever  made  a  howling  success  of  in  life,  was  in 
spoiling  a  table  waiter  or  a  tip  top  hod  carrier, 
in  the  effort  to  create  one  of  the  vital  intellectual 
factors  in  modern  progress.  They  are  great 
wind-jammers,  Mike.  They  make  really  great 
Socialists,  because  Socialism's  most  stupendous 
asset  consists  of  rainbow  chasing  and  natural 
gas.  Who  were  the  class  conscious  Socialists  we 
met  wherever  we  went,  Mike?  Were  they  the 
leading  men  of  the  city  in  which  they  lived?  No. 
Were  they  the  moving  spirits  of  the  city's  great 
industries?  No.  Were  they  the  men  who  were 
looked  up  to,  in  any  of  the  projects  that  would 


THE    UNDER    PUP  195 

build  up  the  commercial  or  industrial  interests 
of  the  city?  No.  Were  they  the  men  who  were 
ahead  in  the  practical  reforms  and  philanthropies 
of  the  community  ?  No.  Were  they  the  boosters, 
or  the  wide  awake  chaps,  who  were  striving  to 
improve  the  social,  the  civic,  the  moral,  the  edu- 
cational affairs  of  the  community?  No.  Were 
they  the  home  builders,  the  savings  bank  patrons, 
the  temperance  advocates,  the  religious  teachers, 
or  in  any  essential  sense,  of  the  size  of  the  best 
class  of  men  that  go  to  make  a  community  one 
of  substantial  attractiveness?  No.  Then,  who 
on  earth  were  they?  Well,  Mike,  I  am  feeling 
real  modest  tonight.  I'll  not  say.  Just  ask 
Boulder,  ask  Denver,  ask  Omaha,  ask  Chicago, 
ask  New  York,  ask  any  town,  anywhere,  and  get 
your  answer.  It  will  be  the  same,  and  it  will 
be  straight  from  the  shoulder.  Now,  honest, 
Mike,  if  the  average,  local  Socialist  body,  in  the 
towns  of  the  United  States,  is  not  composed  of 
men  active  in  the  commercial  and  industrial  in- 
terests of  the  community?  If  they  are  in  no 
sense  men  of  virile  moral  and  intellectual  force? 
If  they  represent  the  type  of  life  that  has  had  to 
depend  on  others,  for  direction  and  advice  in  con- 
structive affairs?  If,  in  short,  they  have  been 
the  led,  instead  of  the  leaders,  in  civic  and  social 
life,  and  are  minus  that  vital  element  in  nature 


196  THE    UNDER   PUP 

called  constructive  and  cumulative  genius,  then 
is  it  wise  or  safe  to  follow  their  lead  in  matters 
pertaining  to  affairs  of  state?  What  do  you 
think  about  it,  old  man?  If  men  cannot  make 
even  a  moderate  success  of  their  own  small  af- 
fairs, in  private  lines,  in  a  country  like  this, 
would  you  expect  them  to  do  great  things  at  the 
head  of  the  destiny  of  a  nation?  The  reason 
there  are  so  many  things  warped  in  our  political 
affairs  now,  is  because  we  have  quit  sending  big 
men  to  our  legislative  halls.  We  need  big  men 
in  our  legislative  offices,  instead  of  a  lot  still 
smaller  than  the  little  things  we  now  have. 

What  sort  of  a  United  States  senator  do  you 
think  I  would  make,  Mike?  Would  be  a  peach, 
wouldn't  I?  Well,  I  belong  to  the  wage  earn- 
ing class.  I  can  keep  the  bob  cats  off  of  this 
place.  Then  why  am  I  not  big  enough  to  go  to 
congress?  Now,  from  the  Socialistic  standpoint 
answer  me  that?  Well,  old  man,  when  Socialism 
is  ushered  in,  that  is  about  the  condition  of 
things  we  will  have  to  face  all  over  the  nation, 
and  about  the  size  of  the  gang  that  will  run  our 
public  affairs.  But  it  is  a  long,  long  time  till 
sun  up,  Mike,  so  we  can  go  to  bed,  and  pleasant 
dreams.  Adios. 


TALK  ELEVEN 

THERE  is  no  question,  Mike,  but  that  the  con- 
ditions, which  have  grown  up  under  this  modern 
hothouse  civilization  of  ours,  are  considerably 
mixed.  One  man  has  less  than  his  actual  needs,, 
his  next  door  neighbor,  a  thousand  times  more 
than  he  can  ever  use.  A  vast  army  goes  to  bed 
hungry  every  night,  another  one  is  constantly 
overfed.  Both  live  and  struggle  side  by  side. 

Now,  why  is  this?  What  is  the  secret  of  the 
difference?  Who,  or  what,  is  to  blame?  These 
questions  the  profoundest  sociologists  and  polit- 
ical economists  have  been  trying  to  answer.  The 
problem  is  one  which  will  take  time  and  the 
wisest  statesmanship  to  solve.  Men  who  live 
square  up  against  the  dinner  table  all  the  time — 
who  have  never  had  time  to  devote  to  any  ques- 
tion, save  the  one  of  bread  and  butter  for  the 
next  meal,  cannot  solve  it.  Their  education  is 
limited.  Their  experience  is  circumscribed.  The 
sun  rose,  yesterday  and  today,  just  back  over  the 
hill.  It  will  set,  tonight  and  tomorrow,  just  be- 
yond the  rim  of  the  next.  They  can  neither 
grasp  nor  analyze  great  questions.  Sociology  to 
them  is  a  sealed  book.  Economics  is  as  foreign 
as  are  the  problems  of  Euclid  to  dwellers  of 
Baby  land. 

197 


198  THE    UNDER    PUP 

From  childhood  the  worker  has  done  nothing 
but  work,  work,  work.  He  is  strong  of  body, 
supple  of  limb.  His  muscles  are  as  bands  of 
steel.  His  digestive  organs  are  perfect,  his  appe- 
tite as  strong  as  his  body.  But  his  mind — in 
training  and  culture;  in  the  knowledge  of  the 
schools;  in  self-confidence  and  self-reliance;  in 
initiative  and  constructive  grasp,  is  embriotic — is 
weak.  He  has  always  been  guided,  planned 
for — never  guiding  or  planning. 

He  began  his  industrial,  bread  winning  career 
in  the  employ  of  Mr.  George  R.  Jones.  For 
the  work  in  hand,  Mr.  Jones  had  the  brains  and 
the  genius.  He,  John  Smith,  had  the  muscle 
and  the  strength.  Jones  told  him  what  to  do, 
how  to  do,  and  he  did  it,  and  did  it  right.  A 
time  or  two  he  doubted  Jones'  judgment  and  did 
it  his  own  way.  When  finished  the  work  was  all 
done  wrong  and  had  to  be  done  over  again,  and 
done  according  to  the  directions  of  Jones.  After 
making  a  comparison,  Smith  saw  that  Jones' 
way  was  the  right  way,  and  the  best.  That  com- 
parison settled  the  question  decisively.  From 
that  day  on  Jones  was  "Mr."  to  Smith,  and 
Smith  was  always  plain  "John"  or  "Jack"  to 
Jones.  Mr.  Jones  furnished  the  brains  for  every 
undertaking,  and  Smith  furnished  the  muscle 
and  working  skill.  Jones  never  once  intimated 


THE    UNDER   PUP  199 

how  Smith  should  address  him.  "George"  would 
have  suited  him  just  as  well  as  "Mr.,"  as  Jones 
was  not  a  snob.  But  Smith  paid  him  the  uncon- 
scious tribute  muscle  always  pays  to  brains,  by 
intuitively  calling  him  "Mr.,"  even  when  they 
were  alone.  Brains  always  have  insisted  on  their 
superiority  over  the  mere  physical.  In  fact,  they 
insist  that  without  their  guiding  power  the  physi- 
cal is  like  a  steamed-up  engine  without  a  driver — 
liable  to  jump  the  track,  go  into  the  ditch  or  run 
in  any  direction,  blow  up  or  do  any  sort  of  wild, 
dangerous  thing. 

So,  brains  always  have  insisted  that  the  plan- 
ning, the  scheming,  the  directing  of  things  are  of 
more  intrinsic  value  to  the  world  than  the  mere 
directed,  physical  power  necessary  to  execute 
them.  On  that  basis,  Mr.  George  R.  Jones,  the 
'discoverer,  the  planner,  the  director,  the  man- 
ager, asks  more — many  times  more — for  his  ser- 
vices to  the  world  of  industry  and  commerce  than 
John  Smith  does  for  his.  He  gets  all  he  asks, 
for  somehow  the  world  in  general,  including 
John  Smith,  has  been  bamboozled  into  an  un- 
questioning acceptance  of  Mr.  George  R.  Jones' 
own  personal  estimate  of  his  value,  in  the  devel- 
opment and  progress  of  industrial  affairs. 

As  there  are,  relatively,  fewer  Mr.  Joneses  in 
the  world,  than  there  are  John  Smiths,  Jones 


200  THE    UNDER   PUP 

with  his  quality  of  brains  has  less  competition, 
and  his  services  are  in  greater  demand — ten 
times  greater — and  he  gradually  increases  the 
volume  of  his  earnings,  till  by  and  by,  he  becomes 
a  "capitalist."  A  little  later  along,  he  is  called 
to  head  some  great  corporation,  and  in  his  new 
position  is  clothed  with  still  greater  authority. 
Money  comes  to  him,  both  from  his  investments 
and  salary  combined,  and  he  begins  to  taste  the 
exhilarating  sweets  that  go  with  his  position  as 
a  "captain  of  industry,"  and  begins  to  thirst  for 
still  greater  achievement.  Along  about  this  time 
Mrs.  Jones,  though  she  may  have  been  one  of 
the  commonest  sort  of  common  folks,  before  she 
married  Mr.  Jones — a  dish  washer  or  a  hash 
slinger — begins  to  wake  up  to  the  fact  that  Mr. 
Jones  is  "somebody,"  and  that  she  being  his  wife 
is  necessarily  "some  pumpkins"  herself.  It  is  a 
sort  of  reflected  glory,  but  Mrs.  Jones  don't 
know  the  difference.  It  is  not  necessary  that  she 
should.  So  she  begins  to  feel  a  little  gay,  and 
sort  of  gamy  herself,  when  out  on  dress  parade. 
She  begins  to  dress  in  the  latest  styles  from 
Broadway  and  "Gay  Paree,"  cultivates  a  pink 
tea  complexion,  a  refined  and  languorous  air — 
and  it  is  wondrous  how  artistically  and  easily  she 
catches  on — says  ither  and  nither,  has  a  foot- 
man and  a  train  of  "servants"  including  a 


THE    UNDER   PUP  201 

French  maid,  eats  frog  legs  and  oyster  cocktails, 
sips  mint  juleps  and  holds  "Series"  and  week 
end  parties,  becomes  more  or  less  exclusive  and 
has  a  secret  horror  of  Mr.  Jones'  vulgar  rela- 
tions, on  general  principles.  She  also  cuts  out 
anything  like  familiar,  or  intimate,  relations  with 
Mrs.  Smith  and  the  whole  Smith  tribe.  The 
Jones  kids  also  begin  to  get  heady  and  super- 
ciliously chesty,  and  put  on  a  lot  of  poodle  dog 
airs.  They  see  clean  over  the  heads  of  the  Smith 
youngsters,  dress  English,  "don't  cher  know," 
and  make  all  sorts  of  vulgar,  get-rich-quick,  silly 
asses  of  themselves. 

About  this  time,  Jack  Smith  finds  that  his 
hard-working  spouse  and  the  little  Smiths  have 
felt  the  Joneses'  slights,  and  worked  up  the  big- 
gest kind  of  a  grouch  over  it.  They  not  only 
have  it  in  for  the  Jones  bunch  for  their  high 
and  mighty  ways,  but  rake  up  the  past  when 
Smith  had  as  fair  a  show  to  make  good  in  the 
world  as  Jones;  and  they  give  the  old  man  to 
understand  that  it  was  his  fault  that  he  did  not. 
They  are  partly  correct,  and  Smith  instinctively 
knows  it,  but  neither  he  nor  they  get  to  the  core 
of  the  trouble  in  their  excited  analysis.  It  was 
not  a  question  of  industry  or  inherent  "git  up 
and  git,"  as  Smith  had  as  much  of  that  quality 
as  Jones.  The  trouble  lay  in  the  difference  in 


202  THE    UNDER   PUP 

the  texture  of  the  grey  matter  under  their  hats. 
Smith  knows  it  in  a  sort  of  vague  way,  as  does 
Mrs.  Smith,  but  the  children  do  not  understand 
it,  and  the  old  folks  are  too  proud  to  explain. 

In  the  end,  Smith  begins  to  feel  that  somehow 
and  somewhere,  Jones  took  a  mean  advantage  of 
him  and  always  kept  it.  He  nurses  resentment 
against  Jones,  and  in  time,  against  the  world  in 
general. 

(  At  last  he  hears  "The  Bull  of  Bashan"  among 
the  Socialists  tell  where  the  milk  in  the  cocoanut 
of  the  industrial  question  lies.  Hears  him  ex- 
plain that  we  are  living  under  a  "caitalistic  sys- 
tem," that  was  framed  by  plutocratic  spiders 
to  catch  and  devour  "proletariat"  flies.  That  in 
the  final  round  up,  capitalism  gets  the  money,  al- 
lowing only  a  small  fraction  of  it  to  go  to  the 
great  laboring  mass  who  earn  it.  Jones,  he  de- 
clares, is  a  bad  man,  but  it  is  the  system  that 
makes  him  bad.  Like  all  human  beings  he  was 
not  necessarily  born  that  way,  but  was  easily 
twisted  by  the  existing  warped  and  warping 
economic  system.  Said  Socialist  leader  insists 
that  the  way  to  remedy  the  evil  is  for  every  poor 
man,  every  "down-trodden  wage  slave  of  the 
world,"  to  join  the  Socialist  party,  vote  against 
"Capitalism"  first,  last,  all  the  time,  and  every 
time,  till  the  government  is  placed  under  So- 


THE    UNDER   PUP  203 

cialistic  control.  And  then — yes  siree,  then — 
everybody  will  roll  —  just  literally  roll — in 
plenty.  All  the  public  means  of  production,  all 
land  holdings,  all  private  property,  will  be  made 
public  property.  It  will  all  be  confiscated,  and 
made  the  property  of  all  alike.  So,  Mike,  he 
asserts  that  when  Socialism  comes  into  power  the 
control  of  government — what  little  there  is  left — 
will  be  taken  from  the  "capitalistic  class"  that 
was,  and  be  turned  over  to  the  "Workers,"  the 
former  industrial  class,  who  will  show  the  world 
what  wise  and  beneficent  government  really  is. 
The  capitalists  will  be  relegated  to  the  wood  pile 
and  hay  field,  and  be  made  to  work  in  the  rear 
ranks.  In  that  "gleeourious"  day  the  workers 
will  be  the  whole  cheese,  and  Mr.  Capitalist  will 
learn  to  take  orders.  Smith  is  so  taken  with  the 
speech  that  he  goes  back  again  and  again.  He 
is  tickled  clean  to  his  toes,  goes  home  walking  on 
thin  air.  He  gets  so  thoroughly  saturated  with 
Socialistic  ideas  that  he  will  vote  the  Socialist 
ticket  if  it  breaks  his  neck.  He  don't  know  beans 
about  the  science  of  government,  nor  the  funda- 
mentals of  Socialism.  All  he  does  know  is  that 
he  has  worked  hard  all  his  life — just  as  hard 
as  Jones — and  has  not  made  anything  like  the 
money  Jones  has,  and  the  idea  that  the  existing 
system  has  kept  him  down  and  sent  Jones  up, 


204  THE    UNDER   PUP 

instead  of  their  difference  in  brain  quality,  is 
more  comforting  to  his  mind  than  would  be  a 
bald  conviction  of  the  exact  truth.  The  fact,  too, 
that  when  the  Socialists  get  in  the  saddle,  he  and 
his  class  will  be  in  full  control  of  public  affairs 
and  bigger  toads  than  Jones,  lends  enchantment 
to  his  dream.  Who  knows  but  he,  John  Smith, 
may  be  chosen  as  one  of  the  chief  governmental 
gazabos  of  the  Socialist  Commonwealth,  and  ride 
high  in  the  chariot  of  state.  Who  knows  but  he 
will  be  made  head  of  some  department  of  indus- 
try, and  Jones  will  be  a  worker  under  him  and 
have  to  take  orders  from  him  as  to  what  to  do, 
and  when  to  do  it.  By  this  time  he  is  plastered 
so  tight  on  the  front  seat  of  the  local  Socialist 
band  wagon,  that  you  could  not  blow  him  off 
with  a  stick  of  dynamite.  The  Socialist's  story, 
Smith's  envy  of  the  Jones  class,  his  cupidity  and 
greed,  has  made  a  mercurial,  but  unhealthy  mix. 
Smith  is  a  Socialist — class  conscious  and  red- 
headed. 

There  is  no  question,  Mike,  but  just  some  sort 
of  a  sneaking  idea  like  that  enters  many  an 
"under  class"  noodle,  and  goes  a  great  ways  in 
making  and  keeping  him  a  Socialist.  And  if 
Socialism  wins,  just  that  sort  of  thing  will 
happen  at  first.  You  know,  and  I  know,  for  we 
have  heard  them  talk  and  plan  as  to  how  things 


THE    UNDER   PUP  205 

are  to  be  done  when  Socialists  ride  into  power, 
get  hold  of  the  "tools  of  government"  and  begin 
to  run  the  country. 

They  make  their  appeal  to  the  "Proletariat" 
alone — that  is,  to  the  "downtrodden  wage  earn- 
ing class,"  the  chaps  in  overalls,  and  the  bum, 
down-and-out  class,  like  "yours  truly" — the  jet- 
sam and  flotsam  of  the  earth.  And  they  make 
no  bones  about  expecting  to  win  and  weld  that 
tribe  into  a  governmental  force,  which  from  sheer 
volume  of  numbers,  will  eventually  gain  the 
ascendancy  in  all  economic,  social  and  civic  af- 
fairs. And  with  it  push  everybody  else  into  the 
background. 

It  is  the  wildest  brained  scheme  ever  worked 
out,  and  unless  the  real  lovers  of  humanity — the 
patriotic  men  of  affairs,  the  men  of  brains  and 
character,  who  want  to  see  stability  and  progress 
among  men,  wake  up  and  face  the  disease  and 
apply  the  remedy,  before  it  becomes  epidemic,  it 
will  win.  And,  Mike,  if  it  does  win,  this  civiliz- 
ation is  doomed  and  progress  will  move  back- 
ward five  thousand  years.  Till  the  curtain  rings 
down  on  the  tragedy  of  incompetence,  license, 
riot,  savagery  and  inordinate  cruelty,  that  will 
open  up  on  the  dark  morning  of  that  day,  there 
will  be  little  left  worth  the  winning.  I  tell  you, 
old  man,  we  have  seen  how  things  run  riot  when 


206  THE    UNDER   PUP 

the  rabble  is  turned  loose.  We  have  seen  a  per- 
fectly orderly  and  just  strike  begin.  We  have 
seen  it  when  both  sides  became  desperate,  and 
determined  to  do  or  die.  And  then,  we  have  seen 
the  rabble  tear  loose,  with  no  man  knowing  how 
or  from  whence  they  came,  and  a  saturnalia  of 
plunder,  bloodshed  and  property  destruction  set 
in,  that  left  nothing  but  suffering  and  ruin  in 
its  wake.  Just  what  we  have  seen  in  spots,  when 
class  was  arrayed  against  class,  will  be  the  his- 
tory of  the  struggle  all  over  the  earth,  when  So- 
cialism has  thoroughly  organized  the  mob  and 
started  in  to  rule. 

I  attended  a  public  debate  in  Iowa  between 
what  was  flaunted  the  "Little  Giant  of  Social- 
ism" and  a  representative  of  Constitutional  Gov- 
ernment— and  from  the  Socialist  standpoint  the 
doctrines  of  Socialism  were  as  ably  defended  as 
they  can  be.  I  was  especially  struck  with  the 
fact  that  the  local  Socialists  were  above  the 
average  of  the  cult,  in  many  ways,  and  yet,  Mike, 
when  the  Constitutional  advocate  spent  most  of 
his  time  in  reading  what  leading  Socialists  have 
written,  as  to  their  plans  and  intentions — what 
Socialism  really  is  and  what  it  intends  to  do, 
there  was  a  sensation  among  the  Socialists  all 
over  the  house.  He  almost  had  to  debate  with 
the  entire  Socialistic  part  of  the  audience — pit, 


THE    UNDER   PUP  207 

gallery  and  all.  They  had  been  so  enthusiastic 
in  propagating  and  discussing  the  mere  wage 
and  capitalistic  question,  that  they  had  entirely 
overlooked  the  religious,  the  ethical  and  revolu- 
tionary phase  of  the  subject.  When  that  was 
shown  up  they  were  wild  as  March  hares.  But 
what  I  want  you  to  understand  is  this,  Mike,  if 
an  audience  of  the  highest  class  of  Socialists 
have  not  enough  self-control,  to  silently  and 
courteously  listen  to  a  debate  when  the  opposing 
side  is  being  presented,  but  get  cantankerous  and 
chip  in,  unwilling  to  wait  till  their  own  champion 
can  reply,  what  could  you  expect  of  the  entire 
party,  when  the  time  comes  that  prudence,  wis- 
dom and  patriotic  reserve  must  be  exercised? 
Don't  you  think,  old  man,  that  men  who  cannot 
hear,  in  respectful  silence,  would  be  a  good  deal 
of  a  mob,  in  times  of  reconstruction,  when  sta- 
bility, caution  and  prudent  action  in  govern- 
mental and  industrial  affairs  are  required? 

It  is  not  a  pleasant  thing,  Mike,  to  have  to 
talk  some  things  about  your  own  kind.  Ordi- 
narily I  wouldn't  say  such  things  as  I  am  saying 
to  you,  these  long  winter  evenings.  But  when 
a  lot  of  men  place  themselves  in  the  limelight 
as  the  salt  of  the  earth,  and  announce  a  doctrine 
of  human  government  they  claim  to  be  the  acme 
of  perfection,  and  which  will  settle  all  knotty, 


208  THE    UNDER   PUP 

economic  and  social  problems,  and  bring  about 
Utopian  conditions,  we  have  a  right  to  analyze, 
not  only  the  doctrines  themselves,  but  the  char- 
acter and  temper  of  the  men  behind  them.  Good 
intentions  and  incapacity,  mixed,  travel  back- 
wards on  the  road  to  success.  "Empty  wagons 
always  rattle  the  loudest." 

So  I  say  now,  as  I  have  said  to  you  again  and 
again,  that  the  average  Socialist  propagandist 
is  a  man  who  has  been  unable  to  make  his  own 
business  a  very  howling  success.  He  is  making 
his  appeal  to  all  the  rest  of  mankind,  who  like 
himself,  from  various  causes,  have  not  been  able 
to  climb  up  above  the  dead  level  of  inferior  posi- 
tion. All  of  the  men  on  earth,  of  that  calibre, 
if  combined  in  one  effort  to  build  and  plan  and 
guide  the  Ship  of  State,  would  make  as  much 
of  a  botch  of  it  as  they  have  in  building,  each, 
his  own  fortune.  I  do  not  doubt  for  a  single 
minute,  Mike,  that  their  intentions,  according 
to  their  lights,  are  good.  But  I  insist  that  their 
lights  are  bad.  Their  capacity  is  insufficient. 

I  find  among  them  a  lot  of  men  who  blame 
their  misfortunes  and  their  poverty  on  the  con- 
ditions of  existing  civilization ;  when  I  know  that 
economic  conditions,  in  general  or  particular, 
have  nothing  to  do  with  it.  They  began  spend- 
ing their  money  for  gin,  as  soon  as  they  had  any 


THE    UNDER   PUP  209 

to  spend,  just  as  I  did,  and  they  are  spending  it 
for  gin  yet.  The  only  difference  is,  it  takes  more 
gin  to  satisfy  their  cravings  now  than  it  did 
years  ago,  and  more  money  to  buy  it.  The  real 
difference  between  them  and  me  is,  I  have  sense 
enough  to  know  that  had  I  let  booze  alone  and 
saved  my  money,  I  would  not  be  a  vagabond 
and  a  tail-ender  now,  while  they  do  not  know 
that  that  is  the  scorpion  that  is  stinging  them. 
'(I  am  not  talking  about  the  man  who  takes  a 
drink  when  he  wants  it  and  goes  about  his  busi- 
ness. It  is  the  lusher,  the  boozer,  the  soaker, 
I  mean.) 

Others  of  them  could  not  plan  and  carry  out 
any  sort  of  a  complicated  project.  They  blame 
everything  else  but  their  own  lack  of  construc- 
tive ability.  They  blame  the  conditions  of  our 
civilization  for  their  failure  to  reach  the  top  notch 
of  industrial  success,  when  the  fault  lies  in  them- 
selves. Everybody  else,  who  is  of  broad  mind, 
lays  the  blame  for  their  inability  to  get  further 
along  to  the  quality  of  brains  with  which  they 
have  been  endowed,  or  their  unwillingness  to 
study  hard  enough  to  learn  more  than  they  now 
know.  One  is  a  shabby  merchant,  another  and 
another,  and  another,  till  you  get  all  the  way 
around,  is  mediocre  in  the  line  in  which  his  worls 
has  placed  him,  unless  it  be  the  one  function  of 

14 


210  THE   UNDER   PUP 

self-commiseration.  He  blames  the  present  capi- 
talistic system  for  a  lot  of  things,  when  the  real 
trouble  lies  in  himself — his  mental,  or  moral,  or 
mechanical,  or  constructive  make-up,  or  his  in- 
herent quality  of  mind  and  character. 

If  Socialism  wins,  they  will  land,  in  the  end, 
in  the  affairs  of  the  commonwealth  precisely 
where  they  are  today.  They  will  have  to  do  the 
kind  of  work  then  they  are  compelled  to  do  now, 
for  they  can  do  no  other  kind.  And  they  ought 
to  know  that  the  same  kind  of  work  then,  will 
be  just  as  hard  and  distasteful  as  it  is  now.  It 
will  only  be  "out  of  the  frying  pan,  into  the 
fire." 

About  the  most  blasphemous  infidel  I  ever 
knew  was  once  a  preacher.  He  was  not  an  elo- 
quent man,  nor  an  original  or  deep  thinker.  He 
could  not  preach,  people  did  not  come  to  hear 
him,  and  his  ministry  was  a  failure;  instead  of 
dropping  to  the  truth — that  the  failure  was  in 
him,  I'll  be  confound,  if  he  did  not  lay  the  blame 
on  the  Almighty,  and  on  religion,  and  turn  blas- 
phemer and  infidel.  You  cannot  throw  a  two- 
inch  stream  with  a  pipe  stem. 

I  am  a  failure,  Mike,  as  you  know.  It  is  not 
capitalism.  It  is  not  our  system  of  economics. 
It  is  not  that  men  crowded  me  to  the  wall.  It 
was  because  I,  William  Sykes  LeClaire,  was  too 


THE    UNDER   PUP  211 

lazy  to  study  to  get  higher  up.  Because  I  put 
my  money  in  the  gin  mill  that  I  should  have  put 
in  the  bank,  or  the  Building  and  Loan.  Because 
I  cultivated  my  appetite  instead  of  my  self- 
control.  Because,  like  millions  of  others,  T  re- 
fused to  stay  in  the  country  that  was  not 
crowded,  and  persisted  in  piling  up  in  the  city, 
where  it  was  crowded,  till  wages  were  too  low, 
because  men  were  twice  as  thick  as  work.  I 
could  have  had  good  wages  and  plenty,  if  I  had 
had  the  inclination  and  spunk  to  have  gone  where 
work  was. 

Another  thing,  Mike,  in  this  country,  every 
man  who  has  the  mettle  in  him  to  do  so,  is  doing, 
or  has  done,  two  things.  He  has  either  paid  for, 
or  is  paying  for  a  home.  He  has  good  wages 
now,  and  is  getting  a  cleaner  hold  on  his  pro- 
fession than  he  has  ever  had — expects,  and  will 
receive  further  advancement.  So,  with  him,  So- 
cialism has  never  had  much  weight,  and  it  never 
will.  His  hope  lies  in  himself,  in  his  own  ability 
to  rise,  through  watchfulness  and  industry. 

It  is  a  fact  also,  that  fully  three-fourths  of  the 
captains  of  industry  of  today,  of  men  who  are  at 
the  head  of  the  great  industrial  enterprises,  and 
who  are  leaders  in  the  commercial  world,  have 
come  up  from  the  ranks.  And  there  never  was 
a  time  in  human  history  when  there  was  such  a 


212  THE    UNDER   PUP 

demand  for  good  men,  when  they  could  advance 
as  fast,  and  reach  positions  of  great  earning 
power,  of  wealth  and  influence,  as  quickly  and 
easily  as  they  can  right  now.  All  that  is  needed 
is  character,  industry,  loyalty  and  brains. 

Another  thing,  Mike,  the  largest  per  cent  of 
Socialist  workers  in  this  country  are  not  from 
American  parentage,  as  far  as  I  have  seen.  They 
are  of  foreign  birth  and  education,  do  not  under- 
stand the  genius  of  our  institutions,  and  in  rank 
ignorance  of  their  inherent  genius,  are  ranting 
about  conditions,  both  social  and  economic,  that 
do  not  exist.  The  men  who  understand  our  in- 
stitutions fully,  know  that  there  is  not  a  real 
wrong  in  our  affairs  that  cannot  be  fully  met 
and  satisfactorily  adjusted  under  our  Demo- 
cratic form  of  government.  Nor  will  this  fan- 
tastic yawp,  about  the  need  of  a  new  form  of 
government  to  bring  about  necessary  changes, 
have  serious  influence  with  them.  By  far  the 
larger  body  of  American  labor  has  both  sense 
and  patriotism,  and  readily  see  that  the  appeal 
of  Socialism,  is  more  to  the  appetite  of  the  dis- 
tracted and  warped  element  of  the  country,  than 
to  the  law-loving,  sober  sense  of  the  patriotic 
body  who  have  not  only  the  best  interests  of  the 
country,  but  of  humanity,  at  heart.  It  is  a 
harbinger  from  another  clime. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  218 

Fully  ninety  per  cent  of  the  labor  of  this 
country  will  spring  to  arms  to  save  the  govern- 
ment as  it  now  is,  if  need  be.  They  have  done 
so  before  and  will  do  it  again.  The  fellows  who 
think  they  won't  are  fooling  with  fire,  and  mighty 
hot  fire  at  that.  When  a  man  gets  up  in  one 
of  our  Middle  West  towns,  or  in  any  section  of 
this  country,  except  in  the  heart  of  the  congested 
districts  of  our  great  cities,  and  begins  to  whine 
and  howl  about  men  not  being  able  to  make  a 
decent  living,  he  gathers  around  him  only  the 
dissolute,  and  fag  end  element,  in  the  main,  and 
even  they  know  he  is  talking  through  his  hat. 

Some  philanthropic  movement  should  be,  and 
I  would  not  be  surprised  if  it  is,  set  on  foot  to 
scatter  and  properly  distribute  the  labor  now 
piled  up  in  great  cities,  put  the  more  industrious 
on  farms  and  gardens,  and  thus  relieve  the 
glutted  condition.  The  criminal  class  of  our  own 
native  growth,  and  that  which  has  drifted  into 
our  centers  of  population  from  the  lower  strata 
of  Europe  will  be  properly  handled.  It  is  only 
a  question  of  time  when  the  doors  will  be  shut 
against  the  propagation  of  that  class,  by  legal 
methods,  established  for  the  sterilization  of  all  the 
criminal  and  vagrant  elements.  I  look  to  see 
the  time,  Mike,  when  chaps,  such  as  your  pard 
has  been,  will  be  arrested  and  made  to  work  and 


214  THE    UNDER   PUP 

earn  an  honest  living.  Industrial  farms,  and 
homes  will  be  established,  where  the  vagrant  gang 
will  be  placed  and  made  to  do  their  part  in  the 
industrial  affairs  of  their  day  and  age,  and  in 
earning  money  to  support  their  families.  These 
are  desperate  remedies,  but  the  conditions  are 
desperate,  and  no  remedies  which  will  advance 
the  best  interests  of  the  race  at  large  are  too 
drastic.  And  especially  when  it  will  bring  a 
moral  pervert  under  the  reign  of  law,  and  very 
largely  abridge  the  desperate  conditions  the 
criminal  element  is  constantly  aggravating  all 
over  the  country. 

I  have  spoken  a  number  of  times  about  the 
profligate  life  so  many  poor  men  get  into  lead- 
ing. In  proportion  to  their  ability  to  spend,  they 
put  more  money  into  the  saloon,  and  questionable 
amusement  resorts,  than  any  other  one  class. 
This  is  because  almost  everything  is  trimmed 
these  days  with  a  view  to  catching  their  dollars. 
A  lot  of  idle  "sports"  get  up  Sunday  shows, 
Sunday  base  ball  games,  Sunday  this  and  Sun- 
day that.  All  of  it  is  done  with  the  purpose, 
under  the  vest  of  the  promoters,  to  gather  in  the 
shekels  of  the  working  class.  They  cannot  catch 
them  through  the  week.  They  are  too  busy.  So 
the  Sunday  amusement  is  hatched,  not  as  a  phil- 
anthropic move  on  the  part  of  the  promoters  to 


THE    UNDER   PUP  215 

furnish  innocent  pastime  for  the  laboring  people, 
but  for  the  single,  selfish  purpose  of  making 
money  out  of  them  for  themselves.  Preachers, 
and  everybody  else,  who  feel  that  even  for  phys- 
ical and  economic  reasons,  if  for  nothing  else, 
Sunday  should  be  made  a  day  of  rest,  are  lam- 
basted and  abused  by  said  promoters  as  old 
fogies,  religious  cranks,  goody-goody  know- 
nothings,  with  plenty  of  cuss  words  and  billings- 
gate thrown  in.  And  how  they  do  love  the  work- 
ing man  and  pity  him  that  he  can  have  no  recrea- 
tion and  pleasure  unless  it  is  arranged  for  him 
on  Sunday  by  them.  They  alone  are  the  friends 
of  the  working  man.  Oh,  rats!  Just  take  the 
dollar  proposition  out  of  the  game  and  see  how 
quickly  they  drop  it.  Their  philanthropy  and 
their  love  for  the  working  man  ends  with  his 
money.  I  used  to  be  a  sucker,  too,  Mike,  but  I 
h'ave  dropped.  If  labor  will  go  to  saving  its 
money,  dollar  by  dollar,  year  in  and  year  out, 
the  day  will  come  when  it  will  be  respected  for 
its  manly  worth  and  not  alone  for  its  dollars. 
It  will  cease  being  fleeced  by  cormorants.  I 
have  listened  to  the  gang  of  dead  cold  sports 
curse  the  preachers  and  the  churches,  ever  since 
I  was  a  boy,  for  their  opposition  to  Sunday  dese- 
cration. Have  heard  them  plead  for  the  working 
man  to  have  Sunday  recreation.  I  thought  for 


216  THE    UNDER   PUP 

years  they  really  loved  him  and  were  looking  out 
for  his  good.  But  what  they  were  actually  do- 
ing was  working  for  a  chance  to  get  at  his  pocket- 
book  and  rake  in  his  change.  If  the  working 
men  would  tumble  to  this  fact,  they  would  cut  out 
the  big  Sunday  games,  and  the  gang  of  admiring 
sports  would  have  to  go  to  honest  work  or  starve. 
Since  I  have  looked  behind  the  scenes  and  know 
the  incentive  and  spirit  of  the  game,  this  "work- 
ing man's  Sunday"  makes  me,  as  the  darky  says, 
most  bodashusly  tired. 


TALK  TWELVE 

WHEN  you  come  to  think  of  it,  Mike,  my 
chances  in  life  are  not  all  lost  yet.  One  of  the 
former  western  United  States  Senators  was  al- 
most as  old  as  I  am  when  he  left  his  home  in 
the  middle  states  to  seek  his  fortune.  When  he 
left  he  had  only  twenty  cents  in  his  pocket.  He 
reached  the  far  West  on  the  same  kind  of  a 
train  you  and  I  came  in  on — Shank's  Express. 
He  didn't  have  as  much  money  as  I  have  now, 
and  he  didn't  have  the  inspiring  companionship 
of  even  a  good  dog.  Landing  in  the  western 
metropolis  he  made  a  bee  line  for  an  old  friend 
and  a  decent  job.  He  found  both,  went  to  work, 
stayed  sober,  and  kept  his  eye  open  to  the  main 
chance.  Every  dollar  he  made  beyond  necessary- 
living  expenses  he  salted  down.  When  he  got 
a  bunch  of  money  together  he  invested  it,  sold 
at  a  profit,  and  invested  again.  In  ten  years  he 
was  a  rich  man,  and  was  elected  to  a  seat  in  the 
Senate  of  the  United  States. 

I  know  what  I  have  missed  by  acting  the  fool. 
I  did  not  miss  the  United  States  Senate.  I  am 
not  big  enough  for  the  job — though  confiden- 
tially, Mike,  they  have  some  mighty  small  steers 

217 


218-  THE    UNDER   PUP 

in  that  round-up — but  I  am  big  enough  to  jump 
the  vagrant  and  booze  wagon,  get  a  home  and 
make  a  decent  living.  I  told  Walt  Case  that 
if  he  would  give  me  a  chance,  I'd  do  it,  and  I 
have  never  yet  broken  my  word,  when  given 
while  sober,  and  I  am  not  going  to  break  it  now. 
I  wrote  Betty  and  the  girls  what  I  would  do. 
They  are  ready  to  come  and  help  me,  according 
to  this  letter  you  brought  up  from  the  postoffice 
today.  It  is  wonderful  how  generous  and  for- 
giving a  good  woman  is,  anyhow.  But  I  am 
going  to  veto  that,  and  do  it  hard  and  flat.  You 
see,  old  man,  I  am  not  as  sure  of  myself  as  I 
ought  to  be.  I've  quit  drinking  all  right,  but 
I  wrecked  my  home  once,  and  now  I  am  going 
to  be  dead  sure  I  can  stay  quit  before  I  start 
in  again.  Betty  is  too  good  a  woman  to  fool 
twice,  and  I  am  mighty  certain  I  am  not  going 
to  take  any  blind  chances  the  second  time,  for 
her  sake,  and  for  the  sake  of  the  children.  Just 
as  I  told  you  the  other  night,  I've  no  kick  com- 
ing against  the  government.  I've  none  against 
society — it  kicked  me  out  and  had  a  right  to — 
was  a  fool  for  not  kicking  harder  and  quicker 
than  it  did — I've  no  kick  coming  against  Betty. 
She  stuck  to  me  long  after  I  was  a  disgrace  to 
my  name,  and  nothing  but  a  nightmare  to  her. 
I've  no  kick  against  capitalists.  Walt  Case  is 


THE    UNDER   PUP  219 

the  only  one  I  ever  knew  intimately,  and  he  is 
the  whitest,  and  most  decently  generous,  friend 
any  man  ever  had.  I've  no  kick  coming  against 
economic  and  industrial  conditions,  as  I  alone 
am  to  blame  for  letting  booze  and  vagrancy  de- 
stroy my  manhood,  steal  my  money  and  turn  me 
into  a  shirking,  drinking,  begging  bum.  I  know 
this  is  true,  Mike,  because  every  one  of  the  men 
who  worked  with  me  fifteen  years  ago  and  con- 
trolled his  appetite  is  today  a  home  owner,  mak- 
ing a  good  living,  or  has  grown  fairly  well  off. 
Every  one  who  is  yet  without  a  home,  and  ac- 
tually living  from  hand  to  mouth,  either  fought 
booze  the  same  as  I  did,  spent  his  money  for 
luxuries  he  could  not  afford,  neglected  his  work, 
was  too  lazy  to  try  to  advance,  or  could  not 
save  money  and  wisely  invest  it,  if  he  had  had 
it  and  tried.  Some  had  no  ambition  beyond  the 
day  and  the  hour. 

I've  had  a  lot  of  experience,  Mike — experience 
that  most  men  escape.  My  experience  has  lifted 
me  clean  out  of  the  imaginative  and  theoretical 
class.  You  can  spin  Utopian  yarns  to  inex- 
perienced yaps,  and  they  will  gulp  them  down 
and  accept  them  without  question.  I  know 
better.  I've  been  through  the  mill.  Theory  is 
all  right  in  the  abstract,  but  when  it  contradicts 
experience  it  leaks.  When  hair  brained  theorists 


220  THE    UNDER    PUP 

get  to  telling  that  if  booze  was  sold  at  cost,  and 
was  pure,  and  so  free  that  anybody  could  get  it, 
men  would  quit  drinking,  and  drunkenness  would 
die  out,  I  know  they  are  either  lying  or  dream- 
ing— and,  as  like  as  not,  doing  a  little  of  both. 
It  is  not  a  fact  that  because  there  are  saloons 
in  existence  with  men  behind  the  bar  urging 
people  to  drink,  that  the  world  is  filled  with 
drunkards.  I  never  had  a  saloon  owner,  or  a 
bartender,  insist  on  me  drinking,  or  urge  me  to 
patronize  the  trade.  I've  had  a  good  many  more 
of  them  kick  me  out  of  their  joints  because  I 
was  drunk  and  wanted  more.  The  fact  in  the 
case  is,  that  one  man  who  likes  the  stuff,  or  a 
number  of  them,  who  do,  get  together,  get  to 
drinking  and  urge  other  fellows  that  do  not 
drink,  to  "just  taste  it;"  and  little  by  little,  a 
fellow  gets  at  it  himself,  and  keeps  at  it,  because 
he  likes  the  taste  or  the  effect  of  the  stuff,  till 
it  completely  captures  his  appetite,  and  he  is  a 
gone  sucker.  If  whiskey  was  cheaper  and 
purer  more  people  would  get  to  drinking,  and 
in  the  same  old  way;  and  when  they  once  form 
the  habit,  would  drink  harder  and  oftener,  be- 
cause their  money  would  go  further  in  the  game. 
The  stuff  would  be  cheaper — the  taste  and  effect 
about  the  same.  Most  fellows  would  stay  soused 
longer 


THE    UNDER   PUP  221 

When  some  long-haired,  crack-brained  re- 
former gets  up  and  goes  to  lampooning  the 
saloon  keeper  as  the  cause  of  drunkenness,  I 
again  know  he  is  on  the  wrong  scent.  I  know 
that  if  I  had  had  gumption  enough  to  have  done, 
ten  years  ago,  what  I  am  doing  this  winter- 
just  go  by  the  saloon  instead  of  in  at  the  door — 
no  one  would  have  bothered  me,  and  I  would 
have  remained  a  sober  man.  As  long  as  there 
are  enough  men  who  want  liquor  to  drink,  a 
government  that  will  legalize  its  sale  for  the 
revenue  it  gets  out  of  it,  a  city  made  up  of  a 
lot  of  property  owners  who  want  to  get  higher 
rent  out  of  their  buildings  than  they  otherwise 
could,  and  as  long  as  a  city  can  make  the  men 
with  appetites  pay  the  bulk  of  the  improvement 
taxes,  the  saloon  will  stay.  No  difference  what 
the  business  is,  whether  it  is  banking,  saloon 
keeping,  a  scavenger  department,  or  whether  the 
business  pays  much  or  little,  there  will  be  some 
fellow  of  the  right  stripe  and  size  for  the  job. 

And  again,  when  some  soft-nosed  bullet  be- 
gins to  pull  taffy  about  the  most  generous,  jovial, 
big-hearted  fellows  he  ever  knew,  being  men  who 
always  drink  to  excess,  insisting  that  one  of  the 
reasons  they  are  drinkers,  is  because  they  are 
such  "good  fellows,"  and  so  gloriously  generous, 
they  cannot  help  it,  I  know  he  is  spoutin'  the 


222  THE    UNDER   PUP 

nastiest  kind  of  blue  mud.  What  a  chap  like 
that  needs  is  a  dose  of  common  sense.  I  married 
Betty.  I  took  her  from  a  good  home.  I  solemnly 
promised,  at  the  "Altar"  to  love,  cherish,  protect 
and  keep  her,  living  for  her  and  her  alone.  I 
was  the  father  of  her  children — the  strong  arm, 
the  bread  winner  of  the  family.  Did  I  do  it?  I 
did  not. 

Now,  Mike,  I  ask  you — you,  a  dog — for  lots 
of  dogs  have  more  sense  than  most  men  on  close 
moral  questions — was  I  generous  and  big- 
hearted  when  I  took  the  money  I  had  promised 
to  earn  for  Betty  and  the  babies  and  spent  it  on 
my  own  appetite,  and  on  a  lot  of  saloon  loafers 
and  old  soaks,  and  let  the  family  go  hungry  and 
half  naked?  Was  I?  Or  was  I  just  a  selfish, 
cold-hearted,  lying  brute,  to  do  such  a  dastardly, 
heartless  thing?  Was  I?  Or  was  I  just  a  mon- 
strous irresponsible  idiot  over  whom  the  family 
should  have  had  a  guardian  appointed?  Oh,  yes, 
Mike,  I  laughed  and  ha  ha'd,  slapped  fellows 
on  the  back  and  spent  money  like  a  king.  But 
it  was  Betty's  money,  and  the  babies'  money — 
poor  little  tender,  helpless  things.  And  because 
I  spent  it,  Betty  went  ragged  and  the  little  lips 
paled  with  hunger.  No,  Mike,  I  was  not  as 
big-hearted  as  a  pollywog,  nor  as  generous  as 
a  hyena.  You  can  blame  the  saloon  keeper  if 


THE    UNDER   PUP  223 

you  want  to — and  he  is  not  a  saint  by  a  mighty 
long  shot — but  I  blame  myself.  I  was  selfish, 
I  was  heartless,  I  was  lost  to  every  generous 
human  impulse,  or  I  would  have  carried  the 
money  home  where  it  belonged — at  least  the 
larger  share  of  it.  You  can  fool  a  lot  of  "dead 
cold  sports,"  the  men  who  make  money  out  of 
it,  and  soft-headed  yaps,  but  you  cannot  fool 
a  kernel  that  has  been  crushed  in  the  mill.  No, 
no,  Mike,  not  much.  That  "jungle"  rooster 
from  the  stock  yards,  that  Socialist  pencil 
pusher,  shed  such  copious  tears  over,  had  a  bad 
start,  it  is  true,  but  in  the  end,  came  a  mighty 
sight  nearer  needing  a  first-class  cell  in  the  state 
prison,  than  a  place  in  the  sympathetic  hearts 
of  a  lot  of  people  who  don't  know  that  you  can- 
not change  gold  into  pig  iron.  When  he  got 
out  into  the  country  where  conditions  were 
healthy,  food  wholesome  and  work  plenty,  what 
did  he  drift  back  into  the  city  for?  Did  it  for 
the  same  reason  I  did.  Did  it  for  the  same 
reason  every  other  derelict  did,  and  does.  Did 
it  because  he  had  gotten  on  the  hog  train,  too 
trifling  to  work,  and  too  morally  weak  to  stay 
away  from  the  haunts  of  vice  and  the  glare  of 
the  easy  get-rich-quick  incandescent.  The  con- 
ditions at  the  stock  yards  are  bad,  but  under 
our  form  of  government,  you  do  not  have  to  go 


224  THE    UNDER   PUP 

far  to  seek  the  remedy,  nor  do  you  have  to  turn 
the  government  over  to  a  gang  of  dreamers,  pro- 
fessional agitators  and  irresponsible  know- 
nothings,  who  have  never  yet  been  able  to  run 
themselves  on  a  clear  track,  to  find  and  apply  it. 
Let  men  of  my  class,  the  workers,  the  under 
pups,  the  chaps  who  are  "ground  down,"  stop 
selling  their  votes  for  a  drink  of  liquor,  a  dollar 
bill,  or  for  love  of  some  low  browed  boodling 
boss,  change  tactics  and  only  vote  at  the  pri- 
maries, and  at  the  polls,  for  men  who  will  openly 
pledge  that  corruption,  graft  and  trust  protec- 
tion, must  cease,  and  then  see  that  they  carry 
out  their  pledges  when  they  get  into  office,  or 
give  them  a  red  hot  reception  on  their  return 
home.  Make  public  officers  pander  to  decency 
instead  of  vice.  But,  Mike,  I  am  almost  ashamed 
to  confess  to  even  you — a  dog — that  my  class, 
that  was,  and  is — the  labor  element,  the  unions — 
the  fellows  that  always  have  been  squeezed 
when  highbinders  rule — cannot,  and  will  not, 
stick  together.  Down  at  Des  Moines,  Iowa,  we 
met  one  year,  and  put  up  a  just  judge,  an 
honest  and  able  friend  of  labor,  for  Congress,  on 
a  distinctively  labor  ticket.  The  Democrats  who 
were  in  the  minority,  as  a  party,  in  the  district, 
unanimously  indorsed  our  man  and  put  their  en- 
tire party  machinery  in  motion  to  help  elect  him. 


THE    UNDER    PUP  225 

When  election  day  closed  and  the  votes  were 
counted,  the  astounding  fact  was  revealed  that 
our  fellows  had  sold  out  to  the  opposition.  Our 
labor  candidate  received  just  a  fraction  over  the 
usual  Democratic  vote,  and  we  were  not  all 
Democrats  by  a  thousand  miles.  The  Demo- 
crats weren't  mad,  were  they,  Mike?  Maybe 
not.  They  have  never  fooled  with  the  "labor 
vote"  from  that  day  to  this;  and  knowing  how 
"reliable"  we  are,  they  just  let  us  alone.  And 
it  serves  us  right.  Again,  in  the  presidential 
campaign  of  1908,  Samuel  Gompers,  John 
Mitchell  and  other  labor  leaders,  as  an  authorized 
committee,  went  to  the  National  Reublican  con- 
vention, asking  that  some  recognition  be  ac- 
corded "Union  Labor"  in  the  platform.  They 
were  turned  down  cold.  They  then  went  to 
Denver  to  the  Democratic  National  convention. 
The  Democrats  gave  them  a  cordial  reception, 
granted  their  prayer,  and  their  demands  were 
put  in  the  platform.  A  "Man  of  the  People" 
with  a  big  P,  was  nominated,  and  the  campaign 
opened.  The  National  Committee  opened  its 
headquarters  in  Chicago  with  a  "Labor  Depart- 
ment" which  was  to  literally  tear  the  earth — 
and  I  reckon  it  did,  so  far  as  spending  money 
was  concerned.  Every  old,  worn  out,  political 
"labor  hack"  in  the  country  with  "infloonce"  was 

15 


226  THE    UNDER   PUP 

feeding  at  the  trough.  The  end  was,  that  the 
big  end  of  the  labor  vote  went  to  the  opposition, 
and  the  Democrats  were  defeated,  hands  down. 
Glorious,  wasn't  it — for  the  Republicans. 

We  always  have  been  our  own  worst  enemy; 
never  have  been  able  to  stick  together  except  on 
the  "knocker"  wagon.  The  Republicans  know 
they  can  cajole,  buy  or  scare,  us  into  voting  their 
ticket,  without  making  us  any  promises,  out- 
side of  flamboyant  stump  speeches;  and  the 
Democrats  will  not  likely  ever  monkey  with  our 
pledges  again.  Both  parties  have  a  feeling  of 
contempt  for  our  committee,  as  both  know  we 
are  as  unreliable  as  the  March  winds  in  politics. 
Politicians  openly  claim  that  it  will  actually  cost 
less  to  go  into  the  market  and  deliberately  buy 
the  needed  votes. 

The  Socialists  will  have  to  discover  a  different 
kind  of  political  borax  to  weld  us  together,  from 
any  that  labor  itself  has  been  able  to  invent,  be- 
fore it  can  count  on  our  vote,  even  after  it  has 
captured  our  promises  and  our  mouths. 

It  is  a  sad  old  world  we  are  in,  Mike — you 
and  I — and  what  the  Socialists  fondly  call  the 
"proletariat,"  is  granular  instead  of  solid,  and 
no  sort  of  sticking  plaster  has  yet  been  found 
that  whiskey,  dollar  bills,  or  "a-panic-will-catch- 
you"  threat,  won't  blow  into  everlasting  smith- 


THE    UNDER   PUP  227 

ereens,  between  sunup  and  sundown,  on  the  day 
of  election.  It  is  not  because  labor  is  ignorant, 
for  it  is  not.  It  is  not  because  it  is  inherently 
corrupt.  No,  not  that.  But  it  is  because — well, 
just  because  it  is  granular,  and  won't  stick  to- 
gether. That's  all.  Take  the  Socialists.  After 
they  had  nominated  Eugene  Debs  for  presi- 
dent by  the  referendum  route,  it  took  several 
days  of  the  scrappiest  kind  of  a  cat  and  dog 
time  to  get  a  platform  on  which  all  could  agree ; 
and  then,  most  of  real  Socialism  had  to  be  left 
out,  because  they  were  afraid  to  put  it  in,  or 
could  not  agree  on  the  details.  Take,  for  instance, 
the  religious  question  which  came  up  before  their 
convention  in  1908.  But  the  danger,  in  my 
judgment,  Mike,  does  not  promise  to  come  from 
Socialism  as  a  growing  political  power.  The 
party  will  never  get  strong  enough  to  elect  a 
President.  It  may  elect  a  member  of  Congress 
here  and  there,  but  no  more.  It  will  never  elect 
a  governor  of  a  state,  nor  have  a  majority  of 
any  state  legislature.  The  theories  of  Socialism 
are  so  palpably  impractical,  its  economic  dogma 
so  absurd  and  unsound,  its  ethical  and  religious 
ideas  so  violent  and  demoralizing,  its  notion  of 
the  relation  of  the  sexes  and  the  institution  of 
marriage,  so  utterly  degrading,  and  its  revolu- 
tionary tendencies  so  out  of  tune  with  the  trend 


228  THE    UNDER   PUP 

of  modern  thought,  that,  outside  of  derelicts  and 
dreamers,  and  the  professional  agitator,  there 
will  never  be  a  large  per  cent  of  average  Ameri- 
cans espouse  its  cause.  And  most  of  the  natural- 
ized, foreign-born  population  are  as  sceptical  and 
skittish  as  the  native  Americans. 

The  danger  of  Socialism  lies  in  an  entirely 
different  direction.  Its  blatant  demagoguery 
and  dogmatism  on  the  capitalistic  question,  its 
appeal  to  the  class  conscious  spirit,  its  effort  to 
stir  up  class  hatred,  with  its  consequent  bitter 
denunciation  of  the  men  who  are  at  the  head  of 
the  great  industrial  enterprises  and  commercial 
affairs  of  the  country,  are  liable  to  result  in  the 
creation  of  another  "French  Revolution,"  not 
only  in  France,  but  all  over  the  civilized  world. 
There  can  be  but  one  result  in  such  event,  and 
that  will  be  riot  and  bloodshed  and  utter  destruc- 
tion, with  such  a  reign  of  terror  as  the  world 
never  saw.  , 

There  is  only  one  thing  the  rabble  and  crim- 
inal classes  ever  have  been  able  to  stick  together 
in,  and  that  has  been  in  pillage  and  violence. 
Even  in  that,  when  the  end  came,  the  more 
vicious  turned  to  rending  each  other. 

Now,  I  do  not  say  this  will  be  the  inevitable 
outcome  of  the  present  agitation,  but  I  do  say 
it  is  much  more  likely  to  occur  than  the  sleepy, 


THE    UNDER   PUP  229 

drowsy  masses  of  organized  society  are  ready  to 
see  or  admit.  Socialism  is  not  a  constructive 
force.  Its  leaders  cannot  agree  on  the  details 
of  socialistic  principles  in  their  application  to 
the  formation  of  an  orderly  and  systematically 
organized  government.  All  the  elements  of 
constructive  genius  seem  to  be  lacking  among 
them.  A  commonwealth  without  law,  without 
a  law-making  body,  without  courts  and  legal 
machinery,  without  repressive  control  over  its 
turbulent  forces,  without  restrictive  measures, 
and  the  necessary,  legal  and  organized  force  to 
execute  them,  would  be  simply  an  unorganized, 
disintegrating  mob.  Its  chart  and  compass 
would  always  be  the  whims  and  passions  of  the 
hour,  and  its  progress  the  progress  of  the  In- 
dian, the  Hottentot  and  the  Fiji  Islanders, 
in  their  raw,  barbarous  state.  For  you  must  re- 
member, Mike,  that  with  all  the  laws  and  legal 
machinery  the  civilized  world  now  has  in  com- 
mission, it  is  impossible  to  stop  such  wild  turbu- 
lent outbreaks  as  periodically  occur. 

Occasionally,  Socialism  has  had  an  oppor- 
tunity, in  a  small  way,  to  show  the  nature  of  its 
genius — to  show  in  miniature  what  it  would  be 
on  a  large  scale.  Mystic,  Iowa,  was  completely 
controlled  a  few  years  ago  by  the  Socialists. 
The  old  parties  which  had  run  the  municipality 


380  THE    UNDER    PUP 

\p 

for  years  were  considered  so  inordinately  cor* 
rupt  that  the  people  turned  in  sheer  desperation 
to  the  Socialists.  The  result  was  that  every 
municipal  office  was  given  to  a  Socialist,  and  the 
party  started  in  to  show  the  world  about  what 
wonderful  things  Socialism  could  do  when  it 
turned  itself  loose.  And  it  most  certainly  did. 
By  the  time  the  two  years'  term  for  which  the 
party  had  been  placed  in  power  was  up,  the 
organization  had  split  wide  open,  the  town  was 
next  to  bankrupt,  and  the  people,  having  had 
all  the  Socialism  in  practical  operation  they 
could  stomach,  went  to  the  polls  and  swept  them 
off  of  the  political  map. 

Milwaukee,  Wisconsin,  has  been  heralded  as 
the  one,  first  American  city  Socialism  is  to  clean 
up.  They  were  going  to  do  wonders  in  the  way 
of  civic  reform,  and  the  papers  have  been  full 
of  all  the  wholesome  things  that  would  be  accom- 
plished for  the  moral,  industrial  and  social  uplift 
of  the  people.  A  year  ago  an  election  was  held 
affecting  the  educational  interests  of  the  city — 
members  of  the  school  board,  who  will  control  the 
schools  and  general  educational  interests  of  the 
young,  were  to  be  elected.  Evidently  Socialism 
has,  as  usual,  "been  weighed  in  the  balance  and 
found  wanting,"  as  unusual  incidents  attended 
the  election.  The  mothers — the  women  of  the 


THE    UNDER    PUP  231 

city — who  are  most  deeply  interested  in  the 
proper  management  of  the  educational  affairs, 
went  to  the  polls  and  cast  their  votes  against  the 
Socialist  candidates  routing  them  "foot,  horse 
and  dragons."  As  usual,  like  old  time  populists, 
they  are  great  reformers — with  their  mouths.  I 
tell  you,  Mike,  Socialism  is  a  mere  wind- jamming 
incompetent.  When  I  was  a  boy,  I  concluded, 
as  most  boys  do,  that  I  would  take  my  watch 
apart,  clean  it,  oil  it,  and  put  it  together  again. 
I  had  several  unnecessary  wheels  in  the  final 
round-up,  and  the  watch  refused  to  run.  When 
I  took  all  I  had  to  the  watchmender,  he  showed 
me  where  I  had  injured  several  of  the  wheels, 
and  I  had  to  get  an  entirely  new  watch,  or  go 
without  one  altogether. 

Socialism,  in  control  of  a -city,  a  state  or  a 
nation,  will  do  what  I  did  to  my  watch — com- 
pletely disarrange,  or  cripple  it,  in  time.  Social- 
ists, in  their  efforts  to  conduct  the  affairs  of 
state,  will  be  no  less  honest  and  confident  than 
I  was  trying  to  be  in  mending  my  watch.  It  is 
not  a  question  of  honesty.  It  is  one  of  mental 
capacity;  and,  as  I  said  before,  boys  and  Social- 
ists are  a  great  deal  alike. 

In  our  travels  around  the  country,  Mike,  you 
and  I  did  not  associate  with  the  high  and  mighty. 
We  did  not  loaf  in  the  first-class  offices  and  club 


232  THE    UNDER   PUP 

rooms  up  town.  Our  associations  were  with  the 
park  loafers,  the  hoboes,  the  saloon  crowd  and 
the  commoner  and  rougher  elements.  The  reg- 
ular conversation  was  about  the  idle  rich,  the 
capitalists  and  the  trusts,  with  frequent  slams 
at  the  men  who  make  our  laws. 

We  loaded  up  on  booze  every  time  we  had  a 
chance  and  then  lit  into  the  rich  oppressors  at 
the  head  of  great  corporations  with  bare  hands. 
We  insisted  that  they  were  getting  richer  every 
day,  while  we  were  getting  poorer;  and  in  both 
we  were  right.  We  claimed  that  it  was  the 
capitalist  that  made  us  poor.  In  that  we  were 
right  again.  We  held  that  the  capitalists  were 
doing  us  up,  but  all  the  time,  Mike,  we  laid  the 
blame  on  the  wrong  gang  of  capitalists.  There 
were  two  breeds  we  were  dealing  with.  One  was 
the  crowd  at  the  head  of  the  great  industries, 
who,  when  our  work  was  done,  paid  us  hard, 
cold  cash,  with  which  we  could  buy  food  and 
clothing  for  the  family,  on  which  all  could  live 
in  health  and  comfort.  The  other  was  the  crowd 
that  made  the  booze,  sold  it  to  us  at  three  to 
five  hundred  per  cent  profit,  and  gave  us  what? 
Gave  us  neglected  families,  hungry  children, 
broken-hearted  wives,  poor  credit,  run  down 
homes,  wrecked  lives.  We  cursed  the  other  class, 
but  we  supported  these  last  fellows  without  a 


THE    UNDER   PUP  233 

murmur.  If  anybody  wanted  to  interfere  with 
their  business,  we  defended  them  both  with  our 
voice  and  vote;  and  were  loyal  to  them  to  the 
extent  of  going  on  the  witness  stand  and  swear- 
ing any  old  way  they  wanted  us  to,  to  protect 
and  defend  their  interests.  If  Socialists  were 
as  thick  in  other  walks  of  life  as  they  were  where 
our  gang  congregated,  they  would  carry  this 
country  with  a  whoop.  But  they  are  not,  Mike, 
and  there's  the  rub.  The  meanest  scrap  I  ever 
got  into  with  any  man,  was  when  I  insisted  that 
we  were  not  getting  poorer  all  the  time  because 
the  industrial  capitalists  had  made  conditions 
purposely  oppressive;  that,  in  my  judgment, 
they  had  not,  because  trade  conditions  were 
often  as  hard  against  them  as  wage  conditions 
were  against  us;  that  one  of  the  chief  sources 
of  our  impoverished  condition  was  that  we  were 
taking  bread  out  of  the  mouths  of  our  families, 
shoes  off  of  their  feet,  clothing  off  of  their  backs, 
and  a  good  roof  from  over  their  heads,  to  run  to 
the  saloons,  to  fill  our  stomachs  with  booze,  and 
the  coffers  of  the  millionaire  brewers  and  dis- 
tillers, with  still  more  gold.  I  told  him  we  cussed 
the  wrong  gang  of  "Capitalistic  Oppressors," 
and  then  the  war  began.  I  was  as  right  as  right 
can  be;  but  in  that  instance,  Mike,  I  could  talk 
harder  than  I  could  hit.  I'd  make  a  good 


284  THE    UNDER   PUP 

Socialist,  Mike.  My  tongue,  any  time,  is  keener 
than  my  sword. 

One  reason  many  of  the  laboring  class  have 
never  saved  money  is  largely  because  no  one  has 
ever  taught  them  the  value  of  systematic  saving. 
Nor  have  they  learned  how  quickly  a  few  pennies 
a  day,  or  a  few  dollars  a  month,  will  run  up  into 
a  neat  sum.  Nor  have  they  ever  stopped  to 
think  how  a  savings  account  in  a  bank,  or  a 
building  and  loan,  stiffens  a  fellow's  backbone, 
and  gives  him  standing  and  credit  among  his 
neighbors,  and  at  places  where  he  trades. 

President  J.  H.  Worst  of  the  North  Dakota 
Agricultural  College  at  Fargo,  was  given  leave 
of  absence  to  visit  some  of  the  countries  of 
Europe  to  study  agricultural  and  industrial  con- 
ditions, a  few  years  ago.  On  his  return  he  gave 
the  results  of  his  observations  touching  the  in- 
dustrial conditions  in  the  province  of  Grononing, 
Holland.  His  articles  were  published  in  a  local 
paper.  His  statement  was  that  the  progressive 
farmers  of  that  province,  organized  a  series  of 
saving  banks  in  which  amounts  from  one  penny 
up  could  be  deposited  on  account,  on  which  three 
per  cent  interest  was  allowed.  No  officer  of  the 
bank  received  any  salary.  The  banks  were  open 
on  every  pay  day,  and  a  systematic  effort  made 
to  get  workingmen  to  deposit  the  amount  in  the 


THE    UNDER   PUP  235 

bank  "they  were  accustomed  to  spend  for  gin." 
When  a  depositor  had  an  account  equal  in 
amount  to  one-half  of  what  it  would  cost  to 
build  a  home,  the  bank  would  loan  him  enough 
to  erect  his  home  at  an  annual  interest  of  four 
per  cent.  The  result,  President  Worst  says,  was 
that  workingmen  began  saving,  and  at  the  time 
of  his  visit,  ninety  per  cent  of  the  gin  drinking 
among  the  laboring  people  had  ceased;  and  the 
working  people  had  mostly  secured  homes,  while 
the  habit  of  saving  had  grown,  till  the  province 
was  one  of  the  most  prosperous  in  the  Kingdom 
of  Holland.  In  many  instances  a  working  man 
and  working  girl,  engaged  to  be  married,  united 
in  saving  till  the  home  was  built,  and  then  mar- 
ried and  moved  in  as  proud  as  monarchs. 

Now,  Mike,  if  I  had  only  saved  $1  each  week 
since  I  earned  my  first  week's  wages,  or  put  into 
a  building  and  loan  the  money  I  spent  for  booze 
• — yes  one-half  of  the  money,  or  even  one-fourth 
•• — up  to  the  present  time,  I'd  be  way  up  in  G. 

There  are  four  million  laboring  men  and 
women  in  the  United  States  tonight  who  could 
save,  if  they  were  taught  how,  one  to  three  dol- 
lars each  week.  That,  at  the  minimum,  would 
be  $4,000,000  per  week,  or  over  $200,000,000 
each  year.  In  twenty-five  years  the  laboring 
jneja  and  women  of  today  could  be,  with  proper 


236  THE   UNDER   PUP 

organization,  the  wealthiest  corporation  the 
world  ever  saw.  Could  have  their  own  factories 
and  make  their  own  markets.  Co-operative 
work  of  this  kind  would  revolutionize  the  entire 
economic  and  industrial  system.  And  there  is 
no  question  but  men  would  come  up  among  them 
who  could  control  the  entire  affair  honestly  and 
successfully.  You  and  I  will  try  it  on  a  small 
scale.  Sure,  and  it  is  worth  trying.  Will  pay 
and  pay  big. 


TALK  THIRTEEN 

THIS  is  a  funny  old  world  you  and  I  have 
been  dumped  into,  Mike.  Since  I  can  remember, 
till  within  a  very  few  years,  ninety-five  per  cent 
of  the  people  acted  in  politics,  purely  from  the 
standpoint  of  party.  Twenty  years  ago  it  was 
the  boast  of  the  average  citizen  that  he  would 
"vote  for  a  yaller  dog"  on  his  party  ticket  before 
he  would  support  a  reputable  candidate  of  the 
opposition.  Now,  a  mighty  sight  of  them  have 
painfully  awakened  to  the  fact,  that  the  trouble 
with  the  country  is,  they  have  been  electing  en- 
tirely too  many  "yalleT  dogs."  When  a  govern- 
ment is  organized  on  the  basis  of  popular  sover- 
eignty— "For  the  people,  of  the  people,  and  by 
the  people" — the  people  must  work  at  it  night 
and  day  or  it  will  slip  out  of  their  hands. 
Sportsmen,  trimmers,  predatory  interests,  self 
seekers  of  all  classes  know  only  the  politics  of 
dollars  and  spoils.  Take  the  utility  corporations 
of  some  one  of  our  great  cities.  They  are  for 
the  party  only  which  they  can  control.  If  the 
Democratic  party  is  for  them,  they  are  for  the 
success  of  the  Democratic  party.  If  the  next 
year  the  people  control  the  Democratic  party 
and  the  Republican  party  looks  the  more  sub- 

237 


238  THE    UNDER   PUP 

servient,  they  immediately  turn  Republican. 
All  the  time,  Mike,  they  are  for  themselves. 
This  has  been  equally  true  of  political  action  in 
the  county,  the  state  and  the  nation.  The  diffi- 
culty in  the  United  States  for  the  last  half  cen- 
tury, until  recently,  has  been  that  in  a  very  large 
sense,  the  population  has  been  almost  equally 
divided  on  lines  of  party  sentiment.  You  could 
go  into  any  community  in  any  section  of  the 
country,  line  up  the  people  and  be  able  to  tell 
years  ahead,  exactly  which  party  ticket  they 
would  vote — (and  vote  it  without  a  scratch)  — 
regardless  of  any  interest  involved,  what  was  in 
the  platform,  or  who  was  nominated  for  office. 
The  predatory  and  self-seeking  classes  who,  in- 
spired by  appetite  and  avarice,  never  slept,  were 
constantly  counting  noses  and  keeping  tab. 
They  knew  who  could  be  cajoled,  who  could  be 
bought,  who  could  be  coerced.  They  let  the 
people  make  the  platforms.  They  selected  the 
nominees.  The  people  were  strong  on  plat- 
forms. They  had  to  be  "according  to  Hoyle," 
lest  the  world  should  come  to  an  end.  And  the 
nominees,  they  had  to  be  faithful,  unbending 
party  men.  If,  as  often  happened,  a  few  enig- 
matical sentences  were  slipped  into  the  platform 
that  looked  a  little  skittish  on  vital  points,  they 
squirmed  and  "grouched"  and  swore  around  for 


THE    UNDER   PUP  239 

awhile,  arose  in  their  righteous  wrath,  shook 
their  fists,  spat  and  jumped  on  the  platform  with 
both  heels,  but  being  "strict,  consistent  party 
men,"  finally  surrendered,  and  voted  the  ticket 
straight.  Evils  and  inequalities  resulted  by  such 
procedure,  of  course.  How  could  they  be  helped? 
I  have  seen  a  city,  a  county,  a  state,  sold  out — 
the  most  valuable  franchises  and  subsidies  given 
away — "free,  gratis,  for  nothing" — have  seen 
the  people  robbed  right  and  left,  and  scandals 
result  that  stunk  to  heaven,  and  the  very  next 
election  the  same  party  continued  in  power.  But, 
Mike,  mind  you,  a  different  set  of  pettifogging 
attorneys  and  back-country  Rubes  were  on  the 
ticket.  Men  would  growl,  and  grumble,  and 
kick,  and  swear  it  was  time  to  wring  the  party's 
neck  and  sling  it  over  the  fence,  flirt  and  get 
friendly  with  the  opposition,  and  on  election  day 
go  to  the  polls  and — from  sheer  imbecile  habit 
and  party  bigotry — vote  the  same  old  way.  But 
the  minority  party  deserved  the  disappointment 
which  covered  it  in  sackcloth  and  ashes.  Honest 
men — sincere  and  patriotic  men — had  stood  by  it 
in  all  the  years  of  defeat.  They  had,  in  their 
protest  against  evil,  and  in  their  loyalty  to  jus- 
tice, campaigned  year  after  year  at  their  own 
expense ;  had,  as  a  matter  of  duty,  run  for  office 
only  to  go  down  in  sure  defeat  again  and  again. 


240  THE    UNDER   PUP 

"This  auspicious  year,"  however,  every  one  of 
them  was  sidetracked.  "Honorables,"  "Judges," 
"Colonels"  and  "prominent  citizens,"  who  had 
hardly  attended  a  party  caucus  for  years,  and 
who  had  seldom  been  heard  on  the  stump,  but 
who  had  kept  "regular"  in  anticipation  of  just 
such  an  event,  jumped  in,  shouldered  everybody 
else  aside,  grabbed  the  nominations,  shouted 
patriotism,  civic  honesty,  love  for  the  dear,  de- 
ceived, defrauded  people,  and  at  the  polls  got 
what  they  richly  deserved — the  most  artistic  and 
decorative  trimming  of  their  measly  lives.  The 
whole  thing,  on  the  one  side,  was  slavery  to  the 
party  idea;  on  the  other,  party  activity  for  per- 
sonal interest  and  personal  advancement.  Where 
was  patriotism  all  this  time,  Mike?  I  think  it 
was  in  the  cyclone  cellar.  Sometimes  it  hap- 
pened that  he  minority  party  slipped  into  power 
on  such  occasions.  Only  a  little  while  under  the 
new  regime,  and  it  developed  that  the  election 
had  only  pulled  one  gang  of  public  utility  and 
corporation  lackeys  and  attorneys  away  from  the 
public  trough  to  make  room  for  another  equally 
as  bad. 

By  and  by,  a  few  hard-headed  chaps  began  to 
say,  "It  is  not  the  party  that  is  corrupt.  It  is 
the  gang  we  have  allowed  to  run  it.  The  great 
mass  of  men,  in  all  parties,  are  both  honest  and 


THE    UNDER   PUP  241 

patriotic.  An  honest  platform  with  a  set  of  dis- 
honest candidates  is  a  bad  mix.  Let's  take  hold 
and  see  that  honest  men  are  nominated  to  office — 
men  not  tied  to  the  tail  of  any  corporate  or 
predatory  kite.  If  a  trickster  or  a  doubtful 
character  gets  on  our  ticket,  let's  say  nothing 
out  loud — just  go  to  the  polls,  and  vote  for  the 
more  honest  man  of  the  opposition."  And,  Mike, 
in  a  few  instances  they  actually  had  the  courage 
of  their  convictions  and  did  it.  It  worked  so  well 
that  the  idea  spread  and  spread,  till,  after  clean- 
ing up  a  number  of  Western  states,  unhorsing  a 
lot  of  bribe-giving,  public-looting,  state-con- 
trolling interests,  it  has  reached  congress  and 
the  United  States  senate;  and  the  guardians  of 
predatory  combinations  and  subsidiary  bucca- 
neering are  giving  way  to  representatives  of  the 
common  welfare. 

Today  the  "balance  of  power"  is  in  the  hands 
of  the  unselfish,  non-office  seeking,  patriotic, 
"vest  pocket"  voters — the  men  who  can  see  an 
honest  candidate  a  good  deal  farther  than  they 
can  a  party  platform.  And  their  number  is  con- 
stantly being  augmented.  It  is  not  a  reform, 
Mike;  it  is  a  revolution — a  revolution  from 
bigoted  partyism  to  broad-gauged  but  intensive 
patriotism.  The  men  who  are  at  the  head  of 
this  movement  are  the  exact  opposite,  in  every 

is 


242  THE    UNDER    PUP 

fiber  of  their  citizenship,  of  that  of  the  aver- 
age Socialist.  They  are  not  "class  conscious." 
They  are  not  "capitalistic"  toadies.  They  do  not 
care  how  much  money,  or  how  little,  a  man  has. 
They  gauge  him  by  what  he  is,  and  what  he  does. 
They  are  not  opposed  in  any  sense  to  great  com- 
binations of  capital.  They  know  that  great  in- 
dustries, great  utilities  and  great  improvements, 
can  be  carried  on  only  by  great  wealth.  What 
they  do  insist  on,  however,  is  that  these  great 
combinations  shall  confine  their  activities  to  the 
department  of  industry  and  commerce,  and  re- 
main strictly  out  of  self-seeking  politics.  They 
insist  that  the  government  shall  regulate  all  in- 
dustrial and  commercial  interests,  instead  ofS| 
commercial  and  industrial  interests  combining  to 
regulate  the  government.  They  believe  this  is 
a  government  of  the  people.  That  if  it  is  not; 
run  on  the  plane  of  equal  and  exact  justice  to  all, 
it  is  the  fault  of  the  people  themselves,  as  they— * 
the  people — have  in  their  hands,  as  a  constitu- 
tional duty,  to  nominate  and  elect  legislative 
officers  in  the  nation,  from  the  ward  alderman  to 
the  United  States  senator,  and  every  executive 
officer,  from  the  township  constable  to  the  presi- 
3ent.  What  they  insist  on  is  that  the  people 
shall  exercise  the  right  and  engage  in  the  duty  of 
unhorsing  the  heeler  and  the  spoilsman  anc| 


THE    UNDER   PUP  243 

placing  honest,  unselfish,  patriotic  men  on  guard. 
They  insist  that  there  are  high-class,  unpurchase- 
able men  in  the  country,  in  plenty,  who  will  ac- 
cept office  solely  to  work  for  the  general  good. 
And  so  far,  in  the  movement,  results  are  abun- 
dantly justifying  their  judgment. 

But  they  also  know  that  occasionally  they  will 
be  deceived  in  the  character  of  the  men  they  elect. 
To  eliminate  them  as  soon  as  discovered  they 
are  having  a  governmental  provision  known  as 
"the  recall,"  incorporated  in  the  laws  of  the 
various  states,  under  which  they  can  get  at  the 
traitors,  and  vote  them  out  of  office.  The  people 
elect  officers,  and  are  reserving  power  to  them- 
selves to  "unelect"  them.  They  emphatically 
refuse  to  be  fooled  and  robbed  any  longer.  In 
a  government  of  the  people,  all  laws  should  origi- 
nate with  the  people  and  be  framed  in  the  in- 
terest of  the  people.  Any  law,  the  operative 
effect  of  which  favors  one  class  of  citizens  at  the 
expense,  and  to  the  injury  of  another  class,  is 
clearly  unjust.  Class  laws  in  a  government  of 
the  people  are  clearly  unconstitutional.  Officers 
elected  under  a  government  of  the  people,  whose 
official  acts  are  arbitrarily  in  the  interest  of  the 
few,  as  against  that  of  the  many,  are  derelict  and 
traitorous,  and  should  be  summarily  recalled. 
No  man  should  be  larger  than  the  best  interests 
of  the  country. 


244  THE    UNDER   PUP 

The  remedy  for  corrupt,  machine-made  nomi- 
nations for  office,  is  the  open  primary  in 
which  all  the  people  vote;  for  corrupt  elec- 
tions, the  secret  ballot,  the  self -tabulating,  self- 
locking,  government-owned  voting  machine; 
for  oppressive  and  unjust  laws,  the  referendum; 
for  unfaithful  officials,  the  recall ;  for  compelling 
reactionary  legislators  to  enact  equalizing  and 
progressive  laws,  the  initiative;  for  unjust  labor 
conditions,  for  conflicts  between  capital  and 
labor,  a  central  governmental  appointed  arbi- 
tration board,  appointed  for  life  but  subject  to 
the  common  law  of  popular  recall;  for  vicious 
trust  officials  and  trade  discriminators,  penal 
servitude;  for  throttling  competition  in  trade, 
the  same;  for  confirmed  inebriates,  the  chronic 
criminal  class,  and  the  mentally  deficient,  steri- 
lization; for  the  tramps,  derelicts  and  all  the 
vagrant  class,  enforced  labor  at  just  wages — 
wages  to  go  to  the  support  of  their  families,  when 
married — when  not  married,  set  aside  for  periods 
of  illness  and  old  age;  for  surplus  incomes,  a 
graduated  income  tax;  for  middlemen,  commis- 
sion merchants,  honesty  or  a  change  of  business ; 
for  chattel  mortgage  sharks,  the  penitentiary; 
for  "class  conscious"  Socialists,  more  work  with 
their  hands  and  labor  tools,  and  less  with  their 
jaws;  for  our  "infant  industries,"  less  protection 
for  them  and  more  justice  for  the  people. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  245 

You  see,  Mike,  this  is  reform  along  constitu- 
tional and  constructive  lines,  and  the  reforms  are 
to  be  inaugurated  all  over  Jhe  nation,  as  they 
have  been  and  are  being  in  the  West,  without 
social  and  political  upheaval;  also  within  estab- 
lished party  lines.  A  new  party  is  not  needed 
to  bring  them  about — just  a  scraping  off  of  the 
old  barnacles  and  the  injection  of  new,  honest, 
normal,  red,  human  blood.  The  Socialist  will 
insist  that  the  initiative,  the  referendum  and  re- 
call are  Socialist  inventions.  I  do  not  believe 
it.  But  if  they  are  they  are  the  only  things  in 
the  range  of  Socialistic  creation  worth  two 
whoops  in  a  snowstorm.  All  the  rest  is  destruc- 
tive and  revolutionary.  That  has  been  the  trou- 
ble with  all  revolutionary  movements  that  start 
up  without  the  genius  of  a  prudent,  practical, 
constructive  leadership. 

I  can  remember  when  Populism  swept  over 
the  West.  It  was  the  child  of  dissatisfaction. 
Conditions  were  bad.  The  great  unanalyzing, 
unthinking  mass,  dissatisfied  with  both  the  re- 
publican and  democratic  parties — not  stopping 
to  consider  that  it  was  the  headlong  partisan  way 
they  themselves  had  been  voting  which  had  cre- 
ated the  conditions  they  were  cursing — not  open- 
ing their  eyes  to  the  fact  that,  by  staying  where 
they  were,  forcing  demands  for  needed  reform 


246  THE    UNDER    PUP 

into  their  old  party  platforms,  and  by  nominat- 
ing and  electing  new  and  more  patriotic  men  to 
office,  the  true  interests  of  the  country  would 
be  the  better  served,  they  just  let  all  holds  go 
and,  "madder  than  setting  hens,"  dropped  over 
into  the  Pop  party,  an  unorganized,  super- 
excited,  unsystematized  mob.  Everybody  was  a 
political  economist,  an  orator  and  a  candidate 
for  office.  I  know,  for  I  was  in  it  myself,  Mike. 
Populism  had  some  good  things  in  its  platform, 
but  they  were  overshadowed  by  so  many  that 
were  radical,  impractical  and  ultra  revolution- 
ary, that  the  sober  sense  of  the  great  thinking 
mass  rebelled  and  the  party  went  to  pieces.  But, 
Mike,  there  was  hardly  a  sound  demand  in  the 
Populist  platform,  that  has  not  since  been  taken 
up,  by  one  or  the  other  of  the  old  parties,  and 
crystalized  into  law,  or  will  be  inside  of  ten  years 
from  today. 

Populism  was  not  a  constructive  movement. 
It  was  a  pioneer.  Its  business  was  to  tear  down. 
It  was  as  incapable  of  building  as  a  ten-year-old 
boy.  In  this  one  respect  it  was  like  Socialism. 
Socialists  are  unanimous  as  to  what  in  human 
affairs  should  be  ripped  up  by  the  roots — and 
that  includes  not  only  nearly  everything  in  gov- 
ernment, but  the  government  itself — so  far  as 
chin  music,  mongrel  missionary  leaflets  and  a 


THE    UNDER   PUP  247 

wild,  imprudent  press  is  concerned,  the  work  is 
being  done  right  along — I  mean  the  work  of 
tearing  down.  But  when  it  comes  to  a  construc- 
tive program  the  party  masses  are  about  as  har- 
monious as  a  pen  full  of  Kilkenny  cats. 

There  is  not  a  single  announced  principle  of 
reform  in  the  entire  Socialist  program  that  is 
of  statesman  size,  of  sound  economic  quality,  of 
substantial  value  in  political  economy,  or  that 
would  not  prove  detrimental  to  the  highest  in- 
terests of  civilized  life,  that  was  not  stolen  bodily 
from  ideas  which  underlie  the  very  foundation 
of  our  American  governmental  plan.  But  there 
is  so  much  that  is  radical,  revolutionary,  unsound 
and  actually  villainous  and  crime  engendering, 
that  means  should  be  placed  within  reach  of 
every  man  with  a  constitutional  right  to  vote,  to 
actually  pound  into  his  gray  matter  full 
knowledge  of  its  vicious  tendency.  Every  man 
should  be  encouraged  to  make  a  careful  study 
of  the  personnel  of  the  great  body  of  voting 
"Comrades"  now  enlisted,  and  determine  from 
their  intelligence,  their  social  and  business  stand- 
ing, their  patriotism  and  their  moral  prudence, 
as  to  whether  they  are  men  who  would  be  safer 
hitched  up  as  leaders  or  tied  on  behind.  If  they 
stand  the  test  of  patriotic  examination,  let  them 
lead.  If  they  are  safer  and  society  is  safer  by  the 


248  THE    UNDER   PUP 

act,  better  tie  them  up.  But  sample  their  fodder 
before  you  put  it  in  the  rack. 

But  Socialism  is  always  talking  about  better- 
ing human  conditions,  about  Utopia,  about  the 
wisdom  and  plenty  that  shall  go  hand  in  hand 
through  the  earth.  If  I  am  not  mistaken  that 
is  about  the  taffy  the  Old  Scratch  handed  to 
Mother  Eve  in  Eden.  She  took  it,  and  he  "got 
her  goat."  Then  Adam's  appetite  got  the  best 
of  him,  and  down  he  went.  It  is  commonly  held 
that  Eve  seduced  Adam,  but,  Mike,  I  am  in- 
clined to  think  that  Adam  himself  was  a  good 
deal  of  a  sardine,  on  general  principles,  or  he 
would  have  been  somewhere  around  the  premises, 
when  the  devil  was  on  deck,  to  protect  Eve  and 
keep  her  from  falling. 

That  sort  of  talk  has  been  put  up  by  every 
tyrant  on  earth,  when  fishing  for  suckers.  It 
was  the  talk  in  trade  of  Rosseau,  Robespierre  and 
the  French  revolutionists.  It  is  the  gab  at  the 
tip  end  of  every  tongue  whose  owner  has  an  axe 
to  grind.  So  don't  let  us  be  fooled  by  the  propa- 
ganda twaddle  they  put  out  to  lure  the  inno- 
cent. Oh  yes,  I  know  there  are  some  mighty 
fine  people,  tinctured  with  Socialistic  theory,  all 
over  the  country.  Some  are  preachers,  some  law- 
yers, some  newspaper  men,  some  of  every  sort. 
Very  few  of  that  class  vote  the  Socialist  ticket, 


THE    UNDER   PUP  249 

Mike.  Most  of  them  are  dreamers,  sentimen- 
talists or  men  who  have  the  habit  of  chasing  rain- 
bows, with  their  heads  up  in  the  air.  Nine  out 
of  every  ten  of  them,  if  they  will  critically  study 
Socialist  authors,  the  men  who  will  be  the  "power 
behind  the  throne"  when  Socialism  gets  where  it 
means  political  office,  such  as  George  D.  Herron, 
Hilquitt,  Victor  L.  Berger,  Editor  of  the 
Appeal  to  Reason,  Charles  W.  Kerr,  as  well  as 
Marx,  Bax,  Engles,  Bebel,  etc.,  will  drop  it 
like  a  Mexican  kid  does  a  tarantula.  They  only 
read  the  idealistic  side — the  Socialists'  picture 
side.  Let  them  examine  the  "tools"  once,  and 
they  will  drop  it. 

If  I  had  any  influence,  I  would  urge  every 
American  priest  and  preacher,  every  one  who 
stands  in  the  pulpit  to  preach  "Peace  on  earth 
and  good  will  to  men,"  to  study  Socialism.  Not 
only  read  the  mouthings  of  Socialists  on  eco- 
nomic questions,  but  the  entire  theory  of  Social- 
ism, covering  its  religious  and  ethical  phases,  as 
well  as  its  immoral  and  revolutionary  tendencies 
among  the  lower  classes,  who,  though  poisoned 
with  it,  may  never  openly  espouse  its  cause.  They 
owe  it  to  the  age  in  which  they  live,  owe  it  to  the 
people  to  whom  they  minister,  owe  it  to  the  Mas- 
ter they  are  sworn  to  serve,  owe  it  to  themselves, 
to  learn  what  it  is — learn  that  it  threatens  not 


250  THE    UNDER   PUP 

only  the  most  sacred  institutions  of  our  social 
and  religious  fabric,  but  the  peace,  the  security 
and  the  very  foundations  of  civilized  society. 
Learn  that  instead  of  appealing  to  the  highest 
and  best  in  men,  it  appeals  to  the  lowest  and 
worst.  Learn  that  instead  of  bringing  in  an 
age  of  Utopia,  it  will  simply  unlid  the  under- 
world. It  was  conceived  in  iniquity  and  class 
hatred,  and,  if  brought  forth  at  all,  will  be 
brought  forth  in  revolution  and  blood,  and  end 
in  anarchy  and  destruction.  Study  it  without 
prejudice,  but  study  it  to  learn  the  truth,  as 
to  what  it  is  and  what  it  will  do. 

There  are  several  reasons  why  the  clergy 
should  be  interested  in  the  study  of  Socialism. 
The  first  of  importance  is,  being  public  teachers 
who,  in  a  peculiar  sense,  are  moulders  and  direc- 
tors of  public  opinion — whose  special  care  is  the 
moral  and  spiritual  welfare  of  those  to  whom 
they  minister.  They  should  be  qualified  to  point 
out  its  errors  and  dangers.  Socialism,  be  it  re- 
membered, is  not  a  political  party,  seeking  to 
control  the  government  on  purely  economic  and 
political  lines.  It  is  a  revolutionary  movement, 
seeking  to  gain  control  of  the  machinery  of  gov- 
ernment, that  it  may  change  our  entire  economic, 
social,  civil,  religious  and  ethical  system.  It 
proposes  to  overthrow  our  governmental  forms, 


THE    UNDER   PUP  251 

reconstruct  our  social  and  domestic  code,  twist 
the  institution  of  marriage  from  its  moorings, 
and  turn  the  current  of  sex  association  in  the  di- 
rection of  free  love,  and  exalt  the  dogma  of 
materialism  as  the  full  consequence  of  the  newly 
inaugurated  "civilization."  The  clergyman  who 
is  not  vitally  interested  in  the  study  of  Socialism, 
does  not  familiarize  himself  with  its  teachings 
and  warn  his  people  against  its  insidious  growth 
in  their  midst,  is,  to  say  the  least,  indifferent  to 
the  high  character  of  his  calling.  I  know  very 
well,  Mike,  that  there  is  a  class  of  latter-day  poli- 
ticians who  raise  their  hands  in  holy  horror  when 
preachers  mix  in  politics.  But  when  it  comes 
to  an  unskinned  skunk,  like  Socialism,  there  is 
so  much  more  involved  in  the  matter  than  mere 
"politics,"  that  the  constitutional  prerogative  of 
the  man,  as  well  as  the  sacred  obligations  of  his 
vows,  call  his  best  powers  into  action.  In  the 
highest  and  best  sense,  the  preacher  of  righteous- 
ness is  set  for  the  defense  of  the  family,  the 
church,  the  education  of  the  young,  the  ending 
of  war  and  bloodshed,  and,  as  well,  a  government 
of  law,  order  and  public  safety.  But  he  is  inter- 
ested from  another  and  almost  equally  vital 
standpoint — the  preservation  and  peace  of  the 
church  itself.  The  establishment  of  Socialism 
will  mean,  according  to  the  teaching  of  all  sects 


252  THE    UNDER    PUP 

of  the  cult,  a  "Socialist  or  Industrial  Common- 
wealth," in  which  land,  all  capital  wealth, 
all  the  means  of  production  and  distribu- 
tion, will  fall  into  the  ownership  and  be- 
come the  function  of  the  public.  All  private 
ownership  being  destroyed,  there  will  be  no  bar- 
ter nor  trade,  no  money  (medium  of  exchange), 
as  we  now  understand  it.  Every  house  erected 
must  be  built  by  the  "State."  Every  particle  of 
foodstuff,  of  clothing  and,  in  short,  everything 
used,  from  a  pin  to  an  ostrich  plume,  and  from 
a  nail  to  a  printing  press,  will  be  owned  by  the 
public.  The  man,  woman  or  child  who  gets  a 
mouthful  of  food,  a  handkerchief,  parasol  or  a 
suit  of  clothing,  must  get  it  from  the  general 
supply  committee.  Now  the  "State"  must  build 
your  house  or  you  cannot  have  a  place  in  which 
to  live.  It  must  also  build  for  Jones,  Smith, 
Brown,  Miller,  et  al.  It  cannot  afford  to  build 
you  a  better  house,  Mr.  Smith,  than  it  builds 
for  everybody  else.  If  it  allows  individual  taste 
to  step  in  and  dictate,  then  individualism  begins 
and  Socialism  starts  for  the  final  end.  So,  I 
reckon,  Mike,  all  the  houses,  to  save  peace,  and 
avoid  jealousies  and  hinder  strife,  will  have  to 
be  built  just  alike,  sort  of  coal  miner,  beegum 
style. 

But  there  will  likely  be  a  half  dozen  denomi- 


THE    UNDER   PUP  253 

nations  wanting  churches  erected.  Some  of  them 
are  small  in  number,  some  large.    No  one  can 
design  and  build  these  churches  but  the  Com- 
monwealth.   Now,  suppose  the  directing  board 
should  make  a  difference  in  the  size,  and  costli- 
ness of  the  churches — one  denomination  getting 
a  big  advantage  over  another?   Be  trouble  again, 
wouldn't  there,  pard?     Well,  I  sort  of  guess. 
There  would  be  enough  religious  bickering,  and 
political  hair  pulling  along  about  the  next  refer- 
endum, to  turn  Tammany  Hall  green  with  envy. 
But  suppose  the  governing  board  should  take  it 
into  its  noddle,  or  noddles,  to  erect  one  church 
building  and  allow  the  brethren  to  divide  time? 
Who  would  decide  which  denomination  should 
occupy  which  Sunday  ?    And  if  there  were  more 
churches  than  Sundays,  then  what?   Well,  Mike, 
any  man  who  has  been  a  member  of  a  church 
choir — the  war  department  of  the  militant  king- 
dom— will  have  some  meager  notion  as  to  about 
what  the  wild  waves  will  say,  in  the  neighborhood 
of  that  day  and  hour.     A  thing  of  that  kind, 
Mike,  would  form  a  serious  problem,  and  one 
which,  from  the  very  fact  that  it  touches  the 
deepest  well  of  the  human  soul  and  reaches  the 
vital  forces  of  social  and  religious  life,  is  a  dan- 
ger that  is  not  so  entirely  remote,  as  not  to 
awaken  grave  concern  in  the  minds  of  thoughtful 


254  THE    UNDER    PUP 

men,  should  Socialism  become  ascendent  in 
human  affairs. 

Not  only  is  there  danger  at  one  point,  but  at 
every  turn  in  the  road.  All  men  know  the  dan- 
ger to  the  moral  nature  of  children,  taken  from 
under  an  affectionate  and  watchful  mother's 
care,  and  turned  over  to  public  institutions  to  be 
reared  in  bunches  and  herds.  All  know  the  in- 
difference of  public  wardens  and  teachers,  to 
say  nothing  of  the  frequent  charges  of  brutal 
conduct  towards  those  under  their  control,  even 
now,  when  there  are  repressive  laws  embracing 
severe  penalties,  for  neglect  and  inhuman  treat- 
ment. 

All  know  that  Billy  Bruiser  does  care  for  a 
weakly  and  worn  out  wife  now,  for  the  sake  of 
the  children,  his  moderately  respectable  name, 
and  through  force  of  legal  enactments.  Under 
Socialism  there  would  be  the  absence  of  all  these 
restraining  and  helpful  influences,  and  as  the 
tendency  will  be  in  the  direction  of  free  love 
and  "soul  affinity,"  Bill  and  Miss  Flip  would 
be  free  to  follow  their  own  sweet  course,  without 
fear  of  prosecution  or  public  disgrace.  And,  as 
I  have  said  before,  Mike,  there  is  not  a  thing  in 
Socialism  that  is  not  as  much  against  the  work- 
ing man  with  a  small  home,  and  small  means,  as 
there  is  against  the  man  with  larger  possessions! 


THE    UNDER   PUP  255 

and  full,  larger  hopes.  It  will  take  from  him 
his  children,  his  home  and  all  the  hope  he  ever 
had  of  personal  liberty,  personal  achievement, 
and  personal  benefit  through  personal  achieve- 
ment. I  have  no  home  now,  Mike,  as  you  know, 
but  I  have  resolved  to  have  one,  if  industry  and 
saving  effort  will  bring  it.  I  have  been  a  brute 
to  my  family  and  know  it,  but  if  I  get  them 
back  and  get  that  home,  if  it  is  only  a  cabin 
in  these  mountains,  I  would  fight  to  the  last 
ruby  drop,  to  keep  my  babies  from  a  community 
house,  and  my  home,  humble  and  mean  though  it 
be,  from  being  confiscated  into  other  and  alien 
hands,  and  Betty  and  I  set  adrift  to  be  ordered 
about  like  cattle — as  to  where  we  were  to  work, 
what  we  should  wear  and  in  what  community 
we  should  live.  It  may  look  easy  and  Utopian, 
to  a  feather-edged  dreamer,  or  a  flax-brained 
agitator  who  has  no  homing  instinct;  but  to  a 
man  who  had  a  home,  lost  it  and  knows  the  dif- 
ference, Mike,  it  is  not  a  "holiday  picnic"  feeling 
to  contemplate. 

It  is  one  of  the  known  facts  all  through  his- 
tory, that  what  is  everybody's  business  is  no- 
body's business.  In  all  public  work  constant 
vigilance  has  had  to  be  exercised,  and  then  steal- 
ing and  inferior  work  have  been  altogether  too 
frequent.  Socialism  insists  that  when  all  profit 


256  THE    UNDER   PUP 

is  eliminated  and  every  man  is  assured  of  plenty, 
there  will  be  no  motive  left  to  defraud.  It  seems, 
according  to  the  charges  brought  against  the 
capitalistic  class,  by  Socialists  themselves,  that 
the  more  a  man  has  now  the  more  inclined  he  is 
to  rob  somebody,  to  get  more  and  more.  Will 
the  mere  fact  that  everybody  has  plenty,  under 
any  system,  Socialist  or  what  not,  change  inher- 
ent human  nature?  Besides,  it  is  a  common  fact 
in  human  conduct,  that  unless  driven  by  neces- 
sity, or  forced  by  law,  a  very  large  part  of  the 
population  refuse, or  neglect, to  do  their  just  por- 
tion of  necessary  labor,  both  for  public  improve- 
ment and  private  need.  Suppose  Socialism  does 
not  change  this  disposition  in  men  and  the  great 
body  of  "Comrades,"  who  are  only  fitted  for 
manual  toil,  get  it  into  their  heads  that  the  other 
crowd  must  get  down  and  do  digging  and  ditch- 
ing and  plowing  and  grubbing.  Then  suppose 
the  other  class,  not  knowing  how,  not  having  any 
disposition  to  do  rough,  hard  physical  toil,  re- 
fuse. Then  what?  You  can  answer  it  with  a 
wise  look  or  a  sneer,  in  theory,  Mike,  but  how 
will  it  be  answered  in  fact,  when  the  final  analysis 
comes,  through  practice?  When  hot  weather 
comes  everybody  wants  to  take  a  hike  to  the 
mountains,  or  hit  the  outdoor  camp  along  the 
stream.  Then  is  when  the  harvest  is  to  be  reaped 


THE    UNDER   PUP  257 

and  the  crop  saved.  Suppose  a  greater  share 
of  the  farming  element  get  it  into  their  heads 
that,  as  all  are  equally  interested  in  preserving 
the  crop,  all  must  help.  And  suppose  all  do 
not  help  and  the  farmers  spend  their  time  in  the 
Socialistic  beer  garden  or  in  the  shade.  Then 
what?  All  these  are  contingencies  that  must  be 
met,  for  I  take  it,  that  Socialism  will  not  be 
able  to  change  the  ingrained  disposition  of  men. 
Its  philosophy  is  a  surface  quality,  and  has  no 
renovating  effect  on  the  inner  life.  All  these 
things,  and  a  thousand  more,  must  be  met  and 
overcome,  and  it  will  not  be  a  "before  breakfast 
job,  by  a  long  shot." 

Every  "Co-operative  Commonwealth"  that 
has  ever  been  established,  has  had  to  meet  these 
very  questions  in  the  concrete;  and  none  of  them 
have  been  able  to  overcome  them.  On  these  and 
kindred  problems  all  have  failed.  There  is  no 
use  to  argue  that  general  economic  conditions 
were  against  them,  because  the  failure  was  more 
from  conditions  within  than  from  those  from 
without.  Most  of  them  prospered  financially, 
but  went  to  pieces  from  irregularities — from 
strife,  insubordination,  dissatisfaction,  from  jeal- 
ousies and  warrings — within.  In  Socialism 
drunkenness  will  prevail,  for  liquors  will  be  un- 
taxed  and  cheap,  and  appetite  will  still  be  a  part 

17 


258  THE   UNDER   PUP 

of  the  human  constitution.  Men  will  be  convivial, 
and,  as  intemperance  is  the  result  of  individual 
volition,  when  backed  by  convivial  associations, 
ability  to  buy,  with  the  cost  of  the  stuff  reduced 
to  a  minimum,  and  no  repressive  laws,  Socialism 
will  be  the  inebriate's  paradise.  Besides,  there 
being  no  home  life,  just  a  community  existence, 
with  sixteen  to  twenty  hours — according  to  So- 
cialism— out  of  the  twenty-four,  to  sleep  and 
loaf,  the  incentive  to  loll  in  idle  loafing  joints, 
and  "refreshment  parlors,"  would  be  such  as  to 
create  unhealthful  social  and  moral  conditions, 
under  a  system  much  less  lax.  If  all  are  to  be 
treated  equally,  individualism  among  the  ladies, 
in  matters  of  taste,  on  the  question  of  personal 
adornment,  will  form  a  knotty  problem.  Brig- 
ham  Young,  and  the  Mormon  hierarchy,  with 
all  the  organized  force  at  their  command,  met 
with  that  difficulty  in  the  effort  to  make  Mor- 
monism  a  great  social  unity.  They  felt,  that  they 
could  restrain  the  tendency  to  "purty  things" 
among  the  ladies  in  no  other  way,  than  to  design 
a  uniform  for  the  entire  sisterhood.  Could  they 
enforce  it?  Ann  Eliza,  Brigham's  nineteenth 
wife,  says  that  even  the  love  of  heaven  had  no 
effect,  and  the  dear  ladies  laughed  the  hierarchic 
edict  out  of  existence  and  went  on  in  their  own 
sweet  but  rebellious  way.  In  Socialism,  that 


THE    UNDER   PUP  259 

principle  will  mark  the  line  between  vital  Social- 
ism— community  taste,  community  initiative — 
and  individualism — individual  taste,  individual 
initiative.  As  to  a  scrap  between  the  ladies 
and  any  Socialist  big  wig  I  ever  saw,  the 
ladies  will  rule  or  rip  the  Commonwealth  wide 
open.  The  whole  thing  would  be  funny,  Mike, 
if  it  wasn't  so  serious  as  to  ultimate  conse- 
quences— if  Socialists  did  not  have  the  disease 
quite  so  hard.  Imagine  Eugene  Debbs,  Victor  L. 
Berger,  Morris  Hilquitt,  George  D.  Herron 
and  Walter  Thomas  Mills,  as  the  industrial  head 
of  the  dress  department.  After  they  had  almost 
warped  their  weighty  minds  in  designing  a  uni- 
form Socialist  garb  for  the  Socialist  ladies,  one 
that  all  could  wear  and  be  on  exact  social 
equality.  Imagine  them  laying  the  pattern  be- 
fore the  "Ladies'  Committee,"  consisting  of 
Mary  Ellen  Lease,  Dr.  Mary  Walker,  Mrs. 
Affinity  George  D.,  Emma  Goldman  and  Mrs. 
Head  Designer,  and  insisting  on  its  adoption. 
As  Dr.  Mary  has  her  own  unchangeable  togout 
and  Emma  G.  her  unrestrained  individual  mind, 
and  Mrs.  Mary  Ellen  can  talk  some  herself,  the 
cackle  and  confab  would  be  worth  all  it  ever 
cost,  to  become  a  Socialist,  to  hear.  We  can 
laugh  about  it,  Mike,  but  it  will  be  a  Socialistic 
problem,  heart-breaking  enough  to  draw  tears 


260  THE    UNDER   PUP 

from  the  Falls  of  Niagara.  I  have  met  a  lot 
of  Socialists,  and  they  all  shut  their  eyes,  look 
wise  and  pooh  at  what  they  cannot  answer. 
When  they  run  up  against  the  practical  condi- 
tion they  are  howling  so  loud  for,  they  will  have 
to  open  their  peepers  and  answer  what  they 
can't  pooh,  and  it  will  turn  their  eye  winkers 
gray.  One  thing  that  might  be  suggested  to 
Socialists,  which  they  could  adopt  with  profit, 
not  only  to  themselves,  but  to  all  the  world,  and 
do  more  for  the  Socialist  cause  than  three  presi- 
dential campaigns  possibly  could,  would  be,  just 
let  about  five  to  twenty  thousand  dyed-in-the- 
wool,  class  conscious  Socialists,  form  a  colony, 
go  somewhere  and  establish  a  Socialist  com- 
munity on  purely  Socialistic  ideas,  and  give  us  a 
true  sample  of  what  Socialism  is  in  governmental 
action.  Probably  one  of  the  millionaire  Social- 
ists will  loan  them  the  money.  Or,  better  yet, 
let  the  crowd  just  corral  him  and  confiscate  his 
pile.  That  would  be  a  genuine  Socialistic  start. 
That  would  be  the  way  to  get  the  money.  No 
ten  thousand  of  them  could  raise  enough  cash 
without  some  such  method.  By  the  time  the  com- 
munity was  complete  and  ready  to  begii  busi- 
ness, the  world  would  be  ready  for  its  object 
lesson.  Five,  to  ten  years,  would  prove  the  great- 
est curative  experience  any  Socialist  ever  passed 


THE    UNDER   PUP  261 

through.  I  am  no  prophet,  Mike,  but  it  would 
take  a  hundred  years  of  political  fumigation  to 
clean  the  atmosphere  from  the  stenchful  memory 
of  the  egregious  failure.  Commonwealth?  Sure. 
Utopia?  Upside  down.  Law  and  order?  In- 
verted. Human  perfection  in  government? 
Don't  know.  Moral  standard  got  lost?  Say, 
let's  put  out  the  electric  and  go  to  bed. 


TALK  FOURTEEN 

ONE  difficulty  with  American  politics,  Mike, 
is  there  are  too  many  rainbow  chasers.  Men 
who  act  perfectly  sane  on  other  questions,  too 
often  close  their  eyes  to  the  logic  of  the  situation 
on  matters  political,  and  blindly  follow  their 
prejudices.  In  some  counties  and  some  states,  a 
nomination  to  office  on  the  dominant  party  ticket, 
regardless  of  the  reputation  and  character  of  the 
man  who  gets  it,  is  equivalent  to  election.  No 
difference  how  objectionable  the  provisions  of 
the  platform  are  for  the  average  citizen,  it  re- 
ceives a  majority  endorsement  at  the  polls.  I 
have  heard  men,  otherwise  of  good  judgment 
and  decent  instincts,  seek  to  evade  personal  re- 
sponsibilities for  inexcusable  conditions,  and  bad 
party  faith,  by  saying,  "I  am  a  strict  party  man; 
I  never  scratch  my  ticket;  my  father  never  did 
before  me,  and  I  am  not  going  to  break  the  rule. 
O  yes,  I  acknowledge  we  had  a  rotten  party  plat- 
form. I  did  not  endorse  it.  I  repudiated  it.  I 
spat  on  it,  but — well,  yes,  I  voted  the  ticket.  I 
could  not  bring  my  conscience  to  do  anything 
else" — and  he  goes  on,  innocent  of  the  fact  that 
it  was  his  vote,  and  not  his  spitting,  that  was 
vital  in  the  affairs  of  his  country.  Men  who 

262 


THE    UNDER   PUP  263 

are  so  much  bigger  than  party  that  they  are 
patriots,  not  partisans,  have  a  worthy  and  hon- 
orable contempt  for  human  bantams  like  that. 
It  is  the  blind,  idiotic  party  zeal  of  that  mongrel 
voting  element,  which  is  at  the  bottom  of  nine- 
teen-twentieths  of  the  corruption  and  plunder 
of  both  state  and  nation.  If  every  man,  whose 
election  to  the  United  States  senate  was  brought 
about  by  questionable  methods,  had  been  uni- 
formly expelled  from  the  chamber,  the  election 
of  "Blond  Billy"  of  Illinois  would  never  have 
been  undertaken  by  the  state  legislature,  nor 
would  his  seat,  after  he  reached  Washington, 
have  been  made  secure  by  any  forty-six  votes  of 
the  senate  itself. 

But,  Mike,  while  a  man  of  my  calibre  is  not 
supposed  to  know  what's  what,  nor  which  is 
which,  I  believe  that  the  Lorimer  episode  will, 
in  the  end,  prove  a  national  blessing  in  disguise. 
It  has,  at  one  raising  of  the  curtain,  shown  the 
entire  country  the  exact  number  of  corporation 
lackeys  occupying  seats  in  the  United  States 
senate,  their  nominal  party  adherence,  and  the 
spot  from  which  they  hail.  The  people  can  now 
roll  up  their  sleeves,  spit  on  their  hands,  and 
wade  into  the  process  of  national  house  cleaning. 

The  national  congress  has,  for  a  quarter  of  a 
century,  been,  if  anything,  more  the  tool  of 


264  THE    UNDER   PUP 

vested  interests  than  it  was  a  year  ago.  The 
reason  we  did  not  know  it  was  because  the  na- 
tional conscience  had  not  been  sufficiently 
aroused  to  force  the  public  press,  and  the  men  be- 
hind the  scenes,  to  make  the  necessary  exposure 
to  reveal  it.  The  toughest  our  home  ever  looked 
was  when,  for  about  a  week  each  fall  and  spring, 
I  could  hardly  get  into  the  house.  Carpets  were 
torn  up,  chairs  were  out  of  their  accustomed 
place,  beds  and  furniture  were  all  torn  apart 
and  scattered.  I  learned  to  know,  at  such  times, 
that  Betty  was  just  going  through  the  process 
of  house  cleaning,  and  the  next  week  we'd  look 
and  feel  spank  and  free  from  dirt.  The  place 
was  the  sweeter  and  healthier  for  it. 

If  I  am  not  mistaken,  Mike,  all  of  this  dust  in 
the  newspapers  and  magazines;  all  this  pro- 
gressive, stand  pat, splitting  up  of  parties;  all  this 
cuss  and  kick  and  complaint  about  the  corruption 
of  the  country  and  the  need  of  a  new  party,  by 
the  fellows  who  think  with  their  heels  instead 
of  their  heads ;  all  this  brag  and  blow  and  bluff, 
among  the  Socialists,  as  to  what  wonderful  things 
they  are  going  to  do,  just  means  that  we  are 
rolling  up  our  sleeves,  getting  on  our  old  revo- 
lutionary suits  of  American  patriotism,  getting 
out  the  mop  and  the  scrub-pail,  putting  the  fur- 
niture into  the  yard,  and  getting  ready  to  clean 


THE    UNDER   PUP  265 

house.  In  the  process  of  cleaning,  Mike,  the  So- 
cialists, like  the  kids  at  home,  will  only  be  in 
the  way.  It  is  the  healthiest  political  condition 
we  have  had  in  this  country  in  a  half  century. 
It  don't  look  like  it  now  to  the  fellows  who  do 
not  know  the  difference  between  house  cleaning 
and  house  wrecking,  but  to  the  man  who  studies 
conditions,  reasons  from  cause  to  effect,  and  can 
half  way  read  the  signs  of  the  times,  a  fresh  June 
morning  is  dawning  on  our  national  landscape. 
Sit  still  and  listen,  Mike — the  choir  of  patriotism 
is  getting  ready  to  sing. 

To  understand  what  is  coming  we  must  look 
to  the  West.  Remember  that  our  nation  was 
born,  nurtured  and  grown  to  manhood  in  the 
East.  Immigration  pushed  West,  till  we  have 
become  the  richest,  and  one  of  the  most  pro- 
gressive and  powerful  nations  on  earth.  Our 
wonderful  natural  resources  attracted  the  spoils- 
man, the  highbinder,  and  the  man  who  steals 
within  the  limits  of  the  letter  of  the  law.  Not 
satisfied  with  what  they  could  grasp  by  honest 
methods,  through  honorable  commercial  compe- 
tition, they  went  into  politics,  controlled  legisla- 
tures and  set  their  subsidized  agents  to  making 
and  manipulating  the  law. 

Our  public  domain  was  voted  to  them,  in  fee 
simple,  by  their  paid  agents  in  congress,  and  the 


266  THE    UNDER   PUP 

vast  resources  of  the  country  were  handed  to 
them  in  grants  and  subsidies,  for  fancied  "devel- 
opment returns."  Bolder  and  bolder  grew  these 
highbinders,  till,  in  an  evil  day,  somebody 
squealed,  and  the  unbridled,  untrammeled,  un- 
subsidized  press  took  up  the  cry.  Here  and 
there  was  a  patriotic  official  not  elected,  nor 
owned,  by  them,  and  all  over  the  land  inde- 
pendent men  began  to  see  the  "nigger  in  the 
wood-pile,"  and  insist  on  dragging  him  into 
public  view. 

Along  about  this  time  we  put  a  big,  healthy, 
robust,  far-seeing,  strong-lunged,  eastern-born, 
western-trained,  individuality  into  the  White 
House.  The  first  thing  he  did  was  to  break  all 
the  traditions  of  his  high  office.  The  next  was 
to  insist  that  the  highbinder  agents  must  come 
to  him,  instead  of  him  following  established 
precedent  and  going  to  them.  He  told  them 
flatly  that  if  they  "wanted  to  know  who  was 
boss  in  these  United  States,  to  just  start  some- 
thing." They  got  sassy  and  tried  to  tell  him 
who  was  who,  and  what  was  what.  He  drew 
back,  clenched  the  fist  of  the  legal  arm  of  the 
government,  struck  the  Northern  Securities 
Company  square  in  the  face,  and  drew  blood. 
Right  there  the  fun  began  in  dead  earnest.  It 
has  been  going  on  ever  since,  till  now  the  nar- 


THE    UNDER    PUP  267 

rowest,  squint-eyed  republican  in  the  North,  and 
the  sappiest,  sap-head  democrat  in  the  South, 
knows  whether  his  senators  and  congressmen  are 
out  and  out  corporation  cats-paws,  tow-string 
straddle-bugs,  or  honest,  patriotic  representa- 
tives of  the  people.  The  nigger  and  the  wood- 
pile have  parted  company. 

As  immigration  moved  from  the  East  to 
the  West,  so  national  reform  will  sweep 
from  the  West  to  the  East.  The  West  is 
newer.  There  men  live  and  fight  side  by 
side.  Interests  are  common.  That  which  helps 
one  helps  all.  Common  men  demand  com- 
mon laws — laws  which  cover,  protect  and  bene- 
fit all,  in  common.  So  the  West,  the  better  com- 
prehends what  is  best  for  all.  Free  from  the 
class-and-caste  spirit  of  the  older  and  more  arti- 
ficial East,  the  Pacific  will  carry  back  to  the 
Atlantic  that  spirit  of  commonality  and  reform 
which  was  first  fostered  in  New  England  and 
Virginia,  and  which  made  a  government  of  com- 
mon interests,  a  fixed  fact  for  the  first  century  of 
our  history.  The  East  taught  the  West  where 
to  go.  The  West  will  now  come  back  and  teach 
the  East  what  to  do.  The  traditions  of  the 
fathers,  the  West  will  bring  back  to  the  sons 
of  the  East  in  legislative  enactment,  and  a  great 
nation  will  rejuvenate,  readjust  itself  and  grow 
thereby. 


268  THE    UNDER   PUP 

Let  the  machine  politician,  the  spoilsman,  the 
lobbyist,  the  corruptionist  and  that  modern  anom- 
aly, the  big  state  political  boss,  take  a  trip  out 
to  Oregon  and  keep  their  eyes  open.  Besides  im- 
proving their  health,  they  will  learn  things  that 
will  quicken  their  conscience.  They  will  see  that 
a  man  to  be  elected  to  the  United  States  senate 
or  to  congress,  in  that  wild  and  wooly  common- 
wealth; must  first  have  the  open  primary  en- 
dorsement of  the  people;  and  that  the  people 
have  found  a  way  to  make  a  republican  legisla- 
ture elect  a  Democrat  to  the  United  States  sen- 
ate, after  they  have  first  endorsed  him  by  popu- 
lar vote.  And  they  make  the  same  rule  of  con- 
duct govern  Democrats.  Let  them  go  on  up  to 
Seattle,  where  they  will  have  another  eye-peeler 
shot  into  their  think-tanks — and  that  is,  that 
when  a  man  is  elected  to  office  to  serve  the  peo- 
ple, and,  after  election,  forgets  what  he  is  there 
for  and  goes  back  on  common  decency  and  com- 
mon interests,  they  slap  the  hand  of  the  law  onto 
his  official  shoulder-straps  and  throw  him  over 
the  fence  into  the  political  scrap-heap. 

When  they  have  seen  all  this,  Mike,  then  let 
them  go  back  home,  "carry  the  news  to  Mary" 
and  tell  her  that  the  Oregon  and  Washington 
plan  is  strong  and  healthy,  has  back  of  it  the 
strength  and  zeal  of  patriotism,  has  started  East 


THE    UNDER   PUP  269 

and  is  traveling  first-class,  and  about  as  fast  as 
it  can.  While  they  are  at  it  they  had  just  as 
well  find  out  what  the  name  of  the  thing  is.  They 
will  learn  that  it  does  not  call  itself  partisan 
Republican,  nor  yet  partisan  Democrat,  but  an- 
swers every  time  to  the  modern  name  pro- 
gressive. Progressive  men  in  both  the  demo- 
cratic and  republican  parties,  have  long  fought 
the  bosses  to  get  it,  now  have  it,  join  together, 
work  for  it,  and  with  it.  They  find  it  healthy, 
honest,  wholesome,  patriotic,  and  a  fence,  built 
"so  horse-high,  bull-strong  and  hog-tight"  that  no 
corporation,  predatory  hireling,  has  yet  been  able 
to  climb  over,  crawl  under  or  break  through,  at 
any  point  or  corner. 

It  is  coming  East,  Mike,  whether  the  interests 
want  it  or  not,  and  when  it  reaches  the  Atlantic, 
even  that  odoriferous  gang  of  "lame  ducks"  a 
long  line  of  presidents  has  pushed  back  to  the 
public  trough  and  into  official  soft  snaps,  after 
they  were  unhorsed  by  their  constituents  at  the 
polls,  will  have  to  let  loose  and  mournfully  go 
marching  home  and  start  in  life  anew — as  mem- 
bers of  the  common  herd. 

It  is  not  Socialism,  Mike,  it  is  not  even  a 
thirty-second  cousin  to  it.  It  is  an  American 
movement  with  the  spirit  of  law  and  order  in 
it,  the  atmosphere  of  constitutional  justice  about 


270  THE    UNDER   PUP 

it.  It  is  not  a  class  movement  appealing  to  class 
spirit,  endeavoring  to  turn  one  class  in  bitter 
hatred  against  another.  It  reverences  religion. 
It  cherishes  the  home  and  the  marriage  vow.  It 
has  the  love-light  in  its  eyes,  as  sweet,  young 
childhood  plays  on  the  floor  and  kisses  back  a 
mother's  smile.  It  does  not  talk  about  a  "violent 
and  bloody  revolution."  It  does  not  seek  to 
incite  its  disciples  to  each  prepare  himself  with 
a  gun  and  ammunition  to  "back  his  ballot  with 
his  bullet."  It  does  not  insist  that  man  is  only 
physical  energy,  and  that  "each  shall  do  what- 
ever he  likes."  No  siree.  Not  much.  It  be- 
lieves in  "equal  rights  to  all  and  special  privi- 
leges to  none."  Its  watchword  is,  with  the  im- 
mortal Lincoln,  "A  government  of  the  people, 
for  the  people,  and  by  the  people,"  and  with 
General  Jackson  that,  "By  the  Eternal,  equal 
and  exact  justice  shall  prevail." 

No,  no,  Mike,  as  it  marches  East,  and  it  is 
coming  our  way,  there  won't  be  enough  of  sci- 
entific Socialism  left  to  sit  on  the  fence  and  see 
it  go  by.  Of  course,  we  must  expect  that  in  this 
national  house-cleaning  now  going  on,  some  of 
us  will  have  to  shatter  our  daddy's  ideals  as  to 
party  regularity  and  the  proper  name  at  the  head 
of  our  ticket.  But  after  all,  when  the  old  man 
gets  stirred  up,  he  won't  care.  He  went  through 


THE   UNDER   PUP  271 

the  smoke  and  thunders  of  the  Civil  War,  on  one 
side  or  the  other.  He  knows  a  patriotic  idea 
when  he  sees  it  coming  down  the  road.  He  was 
as  big  as  his  country  back  in  the  sixties,  and  will 
loom  up  that  big  again,  if  need  be,  to  preserve 
our  constitutional  integrity,  our  liberty,  our 
homes,  our  civil  and  inalienable  rights. 

The  men  who  are  heading  this  movement, 
formed  the  executive,  mental  and  moral  force 
which  hewed  an  empire  out  of  the  wilderness, 
and  have  the  constructive  genius  and  high  moral 
courage,  to  safely  mend  all  rents  made  by  polit- 
ical buccaneers  in  the  fortress  of  the  nation. 
They  have  been  able  to  govern  themselves  in  the 
past,  have  the  cumulative  faculty,  the  stability 
and  strength  of  character,  the  planning  and 
building  qualities,  and  the  supreme  heroism,  to 
correct  the  evils  and  right  the  inequalities  which 
have  found  encouragement  in  the  political  ex- 
cesses of  the  industrial  money-mad  period  now 
coming  to  a  close. 

When,  in  my  judgment,  the  time  comes  that 
immediate  civic  needs  are  served,  the  day  of  the 
tramp  and  vagabond  will  be  over.  When  men 
cannot  find  work  for  themselves,  the  authorities 
will  be  authorized  to  find  it  for  them.  In  my 
judgment,  farms  or  factories  will  be  maintained 
by  the  government,  for  the  cure  of  vagrancy,  as 


272  THE    UNDER    PUP 

uniformly  as  asylums  now  are  for  the  cure  of  the 
insane.  If  men  neglect,  or  refuse,  to  support 
their  families  they  will  be  put  to  work,  by  gov- 
ernmental authority,  and  kept  there  at  standard 
wages.  Their  surplus  earnings  will  be  turned 
over  to  their  families  for  their  support.  Laws 
are,  even  now,  being  passed,  which  look  to  the 
abridgment  of  increase  among  the  vicious  and 
idiotic  classes,  by  scientific  sterilization.  Crimi- 
nality and  vagrancy,  the  two  growing  evils  of 
modern  civilization,  will  be  wiped  out  legally » 
scientifically  and  effectively.  Proper  provision 
will  be  made  by  the  state  to  give  every  man  a 
chance  to  earn  an  honest  living,  both  for  him- 
self and  his  family.  So  there  will  be  no  more 
chronic  loafers  around  towns  without  visible 
means  of  support.  Marriage  will  mean  some- 
thing, when  the  husband  can  no  longer  marry 
and  evade  the  duty  of  supporting  his  wife.  When 
he  runs  away,  the  long  arm  of  the  law  will  reach 
out  and  bring  him  back. 

No  man  should  be  allowed  to  raise  a  family 
without  doing  two  things — giving  his  children  a 
full  public  school  education,  and  teaching  them 
a  useful  trade.  Rich  and  poor  should  be  treated 
alike,  both  as  to  the  education  and  industry  of 
their  children.  Idleness  and  illiteracy  in  any 
age,  among  any  people,  rich  or  poor,  are  detri- 


THE    UNDER   PUP  273 

mental  to  the  progress  and  safety  of  society. 
All  these  needed  reforms,  Mike,  will  not  come 
in  a  day,  nor  will  they  come  easy.  Civilization 
is  of  slow  growth.  So  is  an  oak  tree.  But  it 
takes  more  than  a  morning  breeze  to  uproot  one, 
and  more  than  a  whirlwind  of  class-hatred  and 
class-pride  to  destroy  the  other.  I  am  not  going 
to  jump  into  Socialism,  Mike,  just  because,  by 
selling  my  vote  to  spoilsmen  and  thieving  mag- 
nates for  whiskey  or  money,  I  have  let  the  coun- 
try, so  far  as  my  influence  goes,  get  all  twisted 
out  of  shape.  I  propose  to  turn  square  around, 
and  vote  right,  to  get  the  evil  conditions  cor- 
rected. And  what  I  am  going  to  do  is  precisely 
what  the  great  mass  of  American  voters,  equally 
responsible  with  me  for  existing  conditions, 
ought  also  to  do.  If  by  voting  carelessly  and 
loosely  we  have  made  conditions  bad,  we  should 
vote  wisely  and  carefully  till  we  make  them  good. 
To  just  get  excited  and  run  off  on  a  wild  goose- 
chase  after  an  untried  party,  made  up  of  men 
inexperienced  in  affairs  of  state,  is  both  unwise 
and  unpatriotic.  The  wise  and  patriotic  thing 
and,  in  the  end,  the  successful  thing,  is  to  re- 
main where  we  are.  And,  remaining  where  we 
are,  discard  the  men  who  have  misled  us  and 
put  a  better  class  of  officials  on  guard. 

The  time  is  coming,  and  it  is  not  far  away, 

18 


274  THE    UNDER   PUP 

when  the  feeling  of  brotherhood,  and  right  hu- 
man relations,  will  characterize  the  attitude  of 
both  capital  and  labor,  each  toward  the  other. 
In  all  industrial  activity,  co-operative  interest 
has  been,  and  is,  gaining  in  favor  among  both  em- 
ployers and  the  employed.  Every  reform  that 
promises  equality  of  rights,  equality  of  oppor- 
tunity, equality  of  profit  in  earned  increment, 
is  more  and  more  finding  favor  in  the  industrial 
world. 

In  a  country  where  a  canal  boy  can  reach  the 
highest  office  in  the  gift  of  the  nation;  where  a 
rail-splitter  can  attain  to  immortality;  where  a 
tanner  can  become  the  popular  national  idol; 
where  the  great  captains  of  industry,  great  mer- 
chants and  almost  every  great  leader  in  both  in- 
dustrial and  civic  life,  come  up  from  the  com- 
mon ranks ;  in  a  country  where  the  farm-boy  and 
the  herd-boy  become  the  great  men  in  the  halls 
of  legislation;  where  men  of  good  mettle  are 
constantly  being  called  up  higher,  to  places  of 
trust  and  commanding  influence;  and  where 
none  but  dross  and  poor  mettle  need  live  in  the 
lower  story,  there  is  nothing  but  rank  insanity 
in  running  oft  into  an  organization  whose  fun- 
damental appeal  for  public  favor,  is  that  of  class 
hatred  and  the  division  of  property  by  govern- 
mental confiscation.  I  know,  and  any  other  man 


THE    UNDER   PUP  275 

* 

knows,  that  every  man  who  is  not  earning  a  liv- 
ing today,  in  all  this  broad  West,  is  either  an 
inferior  workman,  a  victim  of  dissipation,  or  too 
infamously  lazy  and  trifling  to  take  his  rightful 
place  in  the  army  of  industry  and  progress.  You 
will  find,  Mike,  that  the  men  kicking  the  hardest, 
and  shouting  the  loudest,  about  unequal  condi- 
tions are  lying  around  the  loafing  corners,  or  the 
saloon,  refusing  to  work  at  two  and  three  dol- 
lars a  day,  on  the  grounds  of  claiming  that  they 
ought  to  have  four  or  five.  It  is  not  a  question 
of  getting  work  and  wages.  It  is  one  of  valuing 
their  services  higher  than  the  other  fellow  does. 
Some  of  the  men  who  seem  the  worst  off  have 
worked  years  and  years  steadily,  for  good  wages. 
The  reason  they  have  no  money  now  is  because, 
like  myself,  they  didn't  save  a  cent  when  they 
did  have  work  and  could.  Had  we  earned  a 
hundred  dollars  a  day  it  would  have  been  the 
same.  Come  plenty,  go  plenty  is  a  poor  pup. 
What  I  am  trying  to  make  clear,  Mike,  is 
that  it  is  not  in  the  industrial  conditions  here 
in  the  West;  not  because  of  unequal  economic 
laws;  not  because  there  is  no  work,  nor  because 
of  starvation  wages,  that  so  many  men  are  dead 
broke  and  do  not  get  on  in  the  world.  It  is  be- 
cause they  are  not  frugal;  because  they  dissi- 
pate too  much ;  because  they  are  extravagant ; 


276  THE    UNDER   PUP 

because  they  wont  save  for  a  rainy  day,  when  the 
weather  is  clear  and  prosperity  is  radiant;  be- 
cause they  prefer  to  loaf  and  kick,  in  times  of 
slight  depression  rather  than  work,  outside  of 
their  trade,  to  keep  the  mill  running  on  some 
kind  of  a  grist.  You  will  notice  that  the  man  who 
gets  ahead,  steadily  climbs  up  the  ladder  of  suc- 
cess, and  has  plenty  in  his  old  days,  is  the  fellow 
who,  no  difference  what  the  times  were  or  what 
wages  offered,  kept  beating  away  at  something. 
If  he  did  not  have  work  at  his  trade  he  worked 
at  something  else.  When  he  worked  at  his  trade 
he  demanded  the  standard  scale  of  wages  and 
got  it  because,  being  willing,  intelligent  and 
industrious,  he  earned  it. 

The  facts  are,  Mike,  that  in  all  the  history  of 
this  wonderful  country  of  ours,  it  has  been  the 
men  who,  no  difference  what  they  made,  sacri- 
ficed and  saved  something,  became  at  last  the 
men  of  both  wealth  and  influence.  The  man 
who  spent  all  he  macle,  whether  much  or  little, 
always  was  an  under  pup  of  the  times  in  which 
he  lived.  I  have  said  a  good  deal  during  these 
evenings  we've  been  together  about  saloon  loaf- 
ing, liquor  drinking  and  general  extravagance 
and  dissipation,  on  the  part  of  the  laboring 
classes,  and  I  have  done  so  because  I  know  that 
a  very  large  share  of  the  misery  of  our  time 


THE    UNDER   PUP  277 

can  be  attributed  to  those  things.     I  have  not 
said  much  against  capitalists  and  great  com- 
binations of  capital  because,  I  know,  and  every 
other  man  who  will  stop  to  think,  knows,  that 
the  wonderful  development  of  our  natural  re- 
sources could  only  have  been  brought  about  by 
just  such  means.    I  have  spoken  of  Walter  Case 
as  an  example  of  what  large  resources  in  intelli- 
gent hands  will  do.    The  factory  that  he  estab- 
lished and  ran,  could  not  have  existed  without 
the  three  hundred  thousand  dollars  he  possessed. 
In  using  his  money  in  that  way  he  furnished 
employment  at  good  wages  to  from  one  to  five 
hundred  men,  who  would  have  been  idle  without. 
The  output  of  his  factory  supplied  thousands  of 
homes  with  the  necessaries  of  life  at  a  much 
cheaper  rate  than  could  have  been  done  through 
the  old  method,  of  hand-made  and  hand-process 
of  distribution.     And  of  the  men  who  worked 
for  him,  every  one  who  tried  to  save  money  was 
able  to  do  so.     As  I  have  said  before,  many 
of  them  have  good  homes  today  with  money  in 
the  bank.     Others,   with   the   start  they  were 
able  to  make  from  the  money  saved  while  work- 
ing in  the  factory,  were  able  to  enter  business 
for  themselves,  and  today  are  men  of  affairs  in 
the  community  in  which  they  live.    There  were  a 
few  who  never  could  rise  above  the  commonest 


278  THE    UNDER   PUP 

and  simplest  work.  They  are  still  working  at 
the  same  job.  They  will  never  be  able  to  do 
anything  else.  A  number  of  others,  along  with 
myself,  spent  our  leisure  in  the  saloon  and  our 
money  for  drink.  You  know  what  I  am,  Mike. 
That  partially  tells  the  story  of  what  they  are. 
The  difference  is,  my  family  repudiated  me,  and 
have  grown  by  their  own  efforts,  while  theirs 
stayed  with  them  mostly,  and  were  dragged  down 
to  their  level.  What  Walter  Case  did  in  Owens- 
ville,  has  been  done  by  men  with  capital,  all  over 
the  country.  These  men  made  money  and  made 
it  in  plenty.  But  they  have  been  benefactors  to 
the  country  just  the  same.  They  have  also  made 
money  for  others.  Made  it  for  the  men  who 
worked  for  them,  just  as  Watler  Case  made 
money  for  us.  They  put  money  into  the  hands 
of  the  consumers  by  reducing  the  price  of  prod- 
ucts they  consumed. 

The  great  railroads  which  thread  this  country, 
and  which  make  transportation  swift,  cheap, 
easy  and  safe,  could  not  have  been  built  without 
great  combinations  of  capital.  The  men  who 
built  them  have  made  money,  but  they  have 
been  benefactors  to  the  traveling,  shipping,  pro- 
ducing and  consuming  public.  They  have  been 
benefactors  to  every  farmer,  to  every  manufac- 
turer, to  every  miner,  to  every  lumberman,  to 


THE    UNDER   PUP  279 

every  county,  and  to  every  state  in  the  nation. 
In  short,  whether  it  has  been  a  mine  owner,  a 
manufacturer,  a  lumberman  or  a  farmer,  every 
man  engaged  in  the  activities  of  the  day  has  been 
benefited  and  blessed  by  these  great  combina- 
tions of  capital  used  in  the  building  up  of  our 
transportation  interests. 

Everything  we  consume  today  in  cheaper,  by 
far,  and  generally  superior  in  quality  and  charac- 
ter, because  men  of  money  have  combined  to  do 
big  things.  For  men  of  my  class  who  have 
muscle  but  no  money,  stomachs  but  no  food, 
backs  but  no  clothing,  need  shelter  but  have  no 
homes,  kicking  against  the  employer  of  labor, 
who  exchanges  money  for  our  strength,  and  who 
advances  us  both  in  position  and  volume  of 
wages,  just  in  proportion  to  our  ability,  our  will- 
ing dispositions,  and  our  intelligent  application, 
is  like  kicking  the  cow  that  furnishes  our  milk. 

The  one  cause  of  complaint  that  we  do  have  is 
that  in  the  strife  for  business,  and  the  thirst  for 
gold,  some  of  the  great  money  combinations  have 
gone  into  politics  and  controlled  legislation  to 
personal  and  corporate  advantage.  The  reason- 
able and  patriotic  kick  the  American  people  have 
coming,  is  against  their  trying  to  control  the 
government,  as  well  as  the  world  of  business. 

What  should  be  done,  what  is  being  done,  and 


280  THE    UNDER   PUP 

what  will  be  done  fully  and  completely,  is  to 
divorce  our  government  from  any  taint  of  cor- 
porate, trust  and  predatory  interests.  When 
that  is  once  done,  the  evils  and  the  inequalities 
which  exist  today  will  be  wiped  out,  and  the  dis- 
ease of  the  body  politic  will  be  cured. 

Well,  old  man,  we  should  have  been  in  bed  an 
hour  ago. 


TALK  FIFTEEN 

WE  WERE  talking  the  other  night,  Mike,  about 
what  great  combinations  of  capital  have  accom- 
plished in  the  development  of  the  resources  of 
our  country,  and  how  every  class  of  citizens  has 
been  made  the  richer  by  it. 

Outside  of  the  congested  centers  of  popula- 
tion, and  outside  of  the  dissipated,  the  profligate 
and  indolent  classes,  there  is  less  of  distress  and 
suffering,  less  of  ignorance  and  crime,  than  have 
characterized  any  period  of  the  world's  history. 

The  cry,  "Back  to  the  farm,"  is  the  voice  of 
relief — the  voice  of  comfort  and  plenty,  striving 
to  reach  the  ears  of  the  distressed  and  needy. 

If,  as  I  told  you  before,  our  philanthropists 
and  benevolent  organizations,  would  combine  in 
the  effort  to  bring  the  cheap,  fertile  lands  of  the 
East,  South,  Southwest  and  West,  and  the  in- 
differently housed  and  employed  of  the  crowded 
districts  of  the  North  and  East,  together ;  if  the 
Socialist  voters  would  contribute  the  reputed 
twenty-five  cents  per  month  dues  each  now  pays 
into  the  Socialist  propaganda  fund,  to  the  same 
end,  and  the  generally,  charitably  inclined,  would 
also  dispose  of  their  charities  in  that  way,  a  very 
large  per  cent  of  the  evils  and  suffering  now  ex- 

281 


282  THE    UNDER   PUP 

isting,  would  soon  be  things  of  the  past.  Es- 
pecially would  this  be  true  if  men  of  humani- 
tarian instincts,  and  scientific  knowledge  of  soils 
and  soil  culture,  would  be  employed  to  live  among 
them  and  teach  them  the  science  of  home  build- 
ing, truck,  fruit  and  general  farming.  Also 
teach  them  how  and  when  to  plant  and  market 
their  crops.  There  is  no  question  as  to  the 
beneficial  results  that  would  accrue,  to  both  the 
emigrants  themselves  and  to  the  country  at  large, 
were  such  an  effort  made.  As  an  object  lesson 
on  this  point,  visit  the  colonies  themselves,  or 
get  direct  reports  from  the  colonies  of  Arkansas 
and  New  Jersey,  which  have  been  built  up  by 
humanitarians  in  the  last  twenty  years  on  the 
same  lines.  You  will  learn  that  these  colonies, 
are  made  up  of  former  "sweat  shop"  subjects 
and  the  "industrially  oppressed,"  of  the  crowded 
cities  of  the  East.  As  another  object  lesson, 
visit  the  great  agricultural  and  horticultural  sec- 
tions of  the  North  and  West.  They  were  settled 
up  by  emigrants  (mostly  poor)  from  the  east- 
ern, and  southern  states,  and  foreign  countries 
in  the  last  forty  years.  Conditions  are  now  pros- 
perous, the  country  is  progressive  and  the  people 
are  intelligent  and  contented.  In  most  of  the 
towns  there  are  few  very  rich,  and  fewer  still, 
very  poor.  It  is  next  to  an  ideal  condition  for 
any  country,  or  any  civilization. 


THE   UNDER   PUP  283 

As  to  how  the  land  should  be  purchased,  how 
it  should  be  divided,  and  how  paid  for,  I  do  not 
pretend  to  say.  To  the  men  who  have  them- 
selves been  able  to  accumulate  great  fortunes 
and  understand  dealing  with  large  incipient 
movements,  all  this  could  be  left  with  full  con- 
fidence. I  suppose  later  on  there  would  have 
to  be  smaller  subdivisions  and  more  intensive 
farming;  but  the  larger  and  richer  returns  would 
be  a  sufficient  reward. 

As  the  best  way  to  help  men  is  to  help  them 
to  help  themselves,  homes,  transportation  and 
home  equipment,  should  be  furnished  at  cost,  and 
the  "long  time,  easy  payment  plan"  adopted. 
In  that  way  the  fund  would  be  constantly  re- 
turned and  re-used.  The  congested  condition  of 
the  labor  centers  would  be  relieved,  work  would 
be  more  plentiful,  wages  higher  and  the  sweat 
shop  conditions  would  cease;  and  the  idle  lands 
of  the  country  would  be  made  to  yield  for  the 
wants  of  men.  No  greater  philanthropic  work 
has  been  undertaken  since  the  world  began ;  none 
that  has  accomplished  more  for  civilization. 

With  the  better  wage  scale,  and  social  uplift 
in  our  larger  cities,  the  home-owning  class  would 
enlarge,  consumption  would  increase,  the  de- 
mand for  the  products  of  the  farm  and  garden 
would  quicken,  and  the  general  affairs  of  the 


284  THE    UNDER   PUP 

country  be  placed  in  a  more  healthful  and  pros- 
perous condition.  The  mad  rush  of  the  farm 
boys  to  the  city  during  the  last  half  century,  the 
unwise  stopping  of  the  great  bulk  of  foreign 
emigrants  in  the  already  overcrowded  labor 
centers,  have  aggravated  our  industrial  and  social 
ills.  The  refusal  of  the  boys  to  stay  on  the 
farms,  even  in  the  face  of  poor  opportunities  in 
the  city,  and  the  inability  of  the  emigrant  class, 
after  short  city  residence,  to  move  on,  have 
tended  to  increase  both  poverty  and  crime  to  an 
alarming  extent. 

This  plan,  or  anything  like  it,  I  have  sug- 
gested, may  never  be  adopted.  Conditions  may 
not  greatly  improve.  But  there  is  one  thing  that 
every  patriotic  American  citizen  should  insist  on. 
That  is,  that  the  vast  hordes  of  foreign  labor 
coming  to  our  shores,  year  in  and  year  out,  with 
no  intention  of  making  this  their  home — coming 
to  work,  get  money,  and  return  to  their  native 
land  to  remain,  should  be  shut  out.  We  did  it 
with  the  Chinese,  and  why  are  we  leaving  the 
fence  down  for  others  of  like  purpose?  It  has 
been  a  mystery  to  me,  why  American  labor  or- 
ganizations have  not  put  up  a  most  vigorous  pro- 
test. It  certainly  would  be  to  the  best  interest 
of  all  classes  of  workmen. 

But  do  as  we  may  to  better  human  conditions ; 


THE    UNDER   PUP  285 

devise  whatever  method  human  philanthropy 
and  human  ingenuity  can  work  out,  even  in  their 
best  estate,  and  inequalities  will  exist. 

In  all  ages  of  the  world  men  like  myself  have 
been,  and  will  continue  to  be,  on  deck  in  mani- 
fold numbers.  We  persist  in  drifting  away  from 
the  country,  where  we  are  needed,  into  the  cities 
where  there  is  no  room.  We  go  hungry  and 
half  clothed  in  the  city,  rather  than  go  back 
to  the  plenty  of  the  country.  The  city  is  not  to 
blame.  General  economic  conditions  are  not  at 
fault.  The  fault  is  in  us,  in  our  senseless  con- 
duct, in  our  abnormal  desires. 

If  we  refuse  to  save  when  work  is  plenty, 
wages  good  and  we  have  the  chance,  no  one  is 
to  blame  but  ourselves  if  we  must,  at  times,  go 
hungry.  If  our  credit  fails  in  times  of  periodical 
depression,  it  is  because  we  have  not  built  up 
reputations  for  honestly  meeting  our  obligations 
when  we  have  money  and  can  meet  them.  I 
knew  some  men  who  were  marked  in  the  credit 
guides  as  "Good  without  regard  to  what  they 
are  worth ;"  others  equally  as  well  off  financially, 
were  rated  "N.  G.,"  and  were  forced  to  pay 
cash  or  go  without  supplies.  The  first  could  go 
to  the  bank  and  get  money  on  their  own  signa- 
tures, because  the  banker  knew  they  would  pay 
if  they  lived,  and  was  willing  to  take  the  chance, 


286  THE    UNDER   PUP 

between  their  continued  good  health  and  death. 
Now,  the  difference  was  not  in  any  external  con- 
dition. It  lay  in  the  difference  between  the  char- 
acter and  habits  of  the  two  types  of  men.  If 
we  persist  in  cultivating  unnatural  and  abnormal 
appetites,  extravagant  and  vagrant  habits;  in- 
sist that  the  world  owes  us  a  living  without 
honest,  industrious  effort  on  our  part,  to  secure 
it,  industrial  and  social  conditions  will  have  about 
as  much  to  do  with  our  cheerless  and  homeless 
situation,  as  the  rise  and  fall  of  the  tide.  I  had 
a  good  start,  an  education  above  the  average 
of  my  class,  a  fair  trade,  and  could  have  made 
good.  I  know  this,  because  men  who  worked 
with  me  at  the  bench  were  my  inferiors  physi- 
cally, educationally  and  mentally,  are  now,  at 
my  age,  comfortably  well  off.  They  were  steady. 
I  was  not.  They  had  an  eye  single  to  the  main 
chance.  I  had  not.  They  were  looking  forward 
to  a  home  and  plenty.  I  was  looking  for  booze 
and  a  "good  time."  The  results  in  each  case  were 
as  natural  as  sunset.  Some  men  with  an  "ax 
to  grind"  will  say  they  do  not  believe  it.  I  do 
not  just  believe  it ;  I  know. 

I  say  to  you,  Mike,  for  the  last  time,  that 
ninety-five  per  cent  of  the  poverty  and  misery 
among  men  in  our  day  is  the  result  of  natural 
causes — the  direct,  or  indirect,  result  of  individual 


THE    UNDER   PUP  287 

mental  defects,  dissipated  or  spendthrift  habits, 
vagrant  disposition  or  faulty  judgment  in  affairs 
of  business.  To  be  a  good  Socialist  you  must 
deny  all  this,  lay  the  blame  on  "Capitalism,"  on 
"economic  conditions,"  on  "Industrial  Oppres- 
sion," on  every  possible  cause  save  the  right  one, 
which  is  your  own  life,  mentality  and  habits.  I 
will  insist  again  also,  that  by  far  the  largest  num- 
ber of  successful  men  in  the  business,  civic,  social, 
industrial  and  professional  life  of  today,  began 
as  poor  boys,  confronting  no  more  encouraging 
or  promising  economic  conditions,  than  confront 
the  boys  who  are  born  now;  that  the  prosperous, 
thrifty  class,  owning  and  controlling  almost  the 
entire  visible  wealth  of  the  greater  part  of  the 
United  States,  began  as  men  of  small  means,  or 
of  no  means  at  all.  And  I  will  insist,  further, 
that  the  opportunities  for  good  things,  moder- 
ately great  things,  and  really  big  things  for  am- 
bitious men,  are  as  wide  open  today  as  at  any 
time  in  our  national  history ;  that  the  greatest  ad- 
vancement and  greatest  industrial  development 
of  our  resources  lie  straight  ahead;  and  that 
every  man,  no  difference  when,  how,  nor  where 
born,  who  has  brains  and  manhood,  industry  and 
perseverance — has  in  him  the  mettle  of  which 
men  are  made,  will  succeed — will  get  his  full 
share.  But  the  loafers,  the  shirkers,  the  vaga- 


288  THE    UNDER    PUP 

bond  element,  the  men  who  were  born  to  be  in- 
ferior— "hewers  of  wood  and  drawers  of  water," 
— the  booze  fighters,  the  shiftless  crowd,  will  fall 
behind  in  the  procession.  They  always  have,  and 
always  will.  It  is  a  hard  thing  to  say,  Mike, 
but  it  is  one  of  the  facts  in  nature,  that  neither 
food  conditions,  Socialism,  economic  laws,  nor 
anything  else  from  outside  ever  has,  or  ever  will 
be,  able  to  overcome.  You  may  reason  it  away 
in  theory,  but  the  next  step,  the  next  generation, 
and  the  next  civilization,  it  will  rise  up  before 
the  world  as  one  of  the  ineradicable  facts  of 
human  existence.  These  "black  sheep"  are  not 
confined  to  any  one  class  of  society.  They  are 
born  in  the  hovel,  in  the  brown  stone  front, 
among  the  mansions  of  "Society  Hill,"  in  the 
homes  on  "Poverty  Flat."  Scapegrace  sons, 
prodigal  daughters — worthless,  do-les  progeny, 
come  from  all  classes,  in  all  countries  and  all 
times. 

When  Socialism  starts  out  to  bring  all  men  up 
to  a  common  level,  to  equalize,  through  food, 
raiment  and  shelter  conditions,  these  kinks  in 
human  nature,  it  is  planning  the  impossible,  and 
doing  a  lot  of  fine  scheming  for  an  eventual  and 
inevitable  abortion.  It  does  not  need  wide  travel, 
extended  observation,  nor  academic  knowledge, to 
understand  the  futility  of  any  such  experimental 


THE    UNDER    PUP  289 

effort.  Just  let  any  man  sit  down  to  sober,  sensi- 
ble reflection,  and  analyze  the  lives,  the  habits, 
the  success  or  failure,  of  the  men  around  him, 
along  with  his  own  personal  history,  and  he  will 
be  able  to  see  the  correctness  of  what  I  have  just 
been  saying — see  it  with  his  eyes  half  shut. 

Let  him  go  down  to  the  saloon  corner,  survey 
the  men  who  loaf  there.  Go  into  the  saloon  and 
study  the  gang  that  constantly  lines  up  there,  no 
difference  who  they  are,  laboring  men,  or  what 
not.  Then  let  him  go  to  the  homes  of  the  class 
of  men  who  do  not  loaf  around,  or  patronize  the 
saloons.  Let  him  study  both  classes  thoroughly, 
and  if  he  were  to  open  a  bank,  or  had  any  sort 
of  responsible  position  to  fill,  no  difference  what 
the  economic  or  industrial  condition,  let  him  de- 
cide from  which  class  he  would  feel  the  safest 
to  select  his  help;  from  which  class  he  would 
expect  to  pick  the  men  who  will  be  sober,  in- 
dustrious and  home-owning  citizens  in  ten  or 
twenty  years  from  now.  And  let  him  ask  him- 
self, if  the  difference  in  their  circumstances  is 
not  owing  to  the  character,  the  temper,  the  habits, 
the  tastes  of  the  man,  instead  of  the  economic  or 
industrial  conditions  of  the  times.  Then,  after 
he  has  exercised  his  horse  sense,  and  discovered 
the  truth  in  the  premises — that  the  difference  is 
in  the  men  themselves,  and  not  in  external  condi- 

19 


290  THE    UNDER   PUP 

tions  over  which  they  have  no  control — let  him 
drop  this  socialistic,  economic  imbecility  and  act 
with  the  sane  element  of  his  fellow  men,  and  try 
to  reform,  by  constitutional  methods,  the  reacha- 
ble evils  that  do  exist ;  the  evils  which  can  be  re- 
moved by  considerate  and  patriotic  action  along 
practical  lines.  In  all  the  animal  kingdom  these 
same  inherent  inequalities  exist.  There  are  fits 
and  misfits,  large  and  small,  strong  and  weak, 
giants  and  runts,  clean  and  foul,  gentle  and 
vicious,  handsome  and  homely.  Selection,  and 
scientific  breeding,  have  reduced  the  inequalities 
to  a  minimum,  but  they  exist,  nevertheless.  It 
is  only  by  conforming  to  the  scientific  laws  of 
selection  and  breeding  that  the  Poland  China, 
and  Berkshire,  have  been  developed  from  the  wild 
wart  hog  of  the  Jungle,  the  Polled  Angus,  the 
Durham  and  Herford,  among  beef  breeds,  the 
Jersey,  and  Guernsey,  among  the  milk  and  but- 
ter producing  cattle,  have  been  brought  up  from 
the  mongrel  breed  of  Asia ;  and  the  two-minute 
trotter  from  the  wild  "dung  hill"  of  the  plains. 

Every  thing  of  even  strength  and  beauty,  of 
utility  and  service,  in  animal  and  plant  life, 
which  tops  high  pressure  civilization,  has  come 
to  us  through  centuries  of  scientific  selection  and 
breeding.  What  would  the  human  race  be  today 
had  the  same  law  of  development  and  scientific 


THE    UNDER   PUP  291 

weeding-out  been  followed?  But  the  educated 
and  ignorant,  the  refined  and  vulgar,  the  inno- 
cent and  criminal,  the  gentle  and  vicious,  the 
high  born  and  low  born  of  creation,  by  ten 
thousand  curls  and  kinks,  and  contradictory 
diosyncracies,  have  intermarried,  mixed  and 
mingled,  till  it  is  simply  amazing  that  there  is 
anything  left  in  human  form  outside  of  runts  and 
derelicts — savages  and  barbarians. 

The  intellectual  inequalities  of  the  past  have 
been  modified  largely  through  the  modern  sys- 
tem of  popular  and  uniform  education.  But  the 
eradication  of  criminal  tendencies  has  not  kept 
pace,  because  our  educational  code  has  dealt,  al- 
most exclusively,  with  the  intellectual  faculties; 
and  because  there  has  been  little  or  no  effort 
made  to  abridge  production  among  the  criminal 
and  vagrant  classes.  Life,  and  the  functions  of 
life,  are  as  precious  to  the  mentally  dependent, 
the  criminal  and  vagrant,  as  they  are  to  the  law- 
abiding,  the  moral  and  progressive,  but  the  mul- 
tiplied progeny  of  the  former  are  a  curse  and 
a  hindrance  to  the  development  and  progress  of 
civilization. 

Socialism  is  a  plea  for  the  continued,  undis- 
turbed existence  of  the  inherent  inequalities  of 
human  society.  Its  sole  remedy  is  to  throw  down 
the  bars,  do  away  with  all  restraints,  and  herd 


292  THE    UNDER    PUP 

all  together,  without  race,  class  or  social  distinc- 
tion. One  of  its  fundamental  demands  is  in- 
dustrial, material,  social  and  race  equality.  As 
a  necessary  corollary  of  this  is  the  doctrine  de- 
clared by  Fourier,  that  the  human  will  is  but 
physical  energy,  and  every  man  "should  do  as 
he  pleases."  Or,  according  to  the  "Appeal  to 
Reason"  of  July  11,  1903: 

"Under  Socialism  the  government  will  have 
no  other  function  but  the  administration  of  the 
public  industries.  Socialism  is  opposed  to  all  in- 
terference with  the  personal  liberties  of  the 
people." 

With  this  as  a  basis,  the  further  doctrine  is 
taught  that  with  abundance  of  food,  raiment  and 
shelter,  and  uniform  education,  all  moral  and 
mental  qualities  will  speedily  evolve  into  uniform 
perfection.  Men  won't  have  wings  in  full;  they 
will  just  be  sprouted.  Among  savage  tribes, 
Mike,  most  of  this  tommyrot  has  always  been 
popular.  When  one  had,  all  had.  When  one 
had  not,  all  starved  together.  The  way  one  lived, 
all  lived.  The  only  way  to  tell  their  huts  apart, 
was  from  the  difference  in  location.  It  has  been 
the  uniform  instinct  of  all  savage  tribes  to  live, 
as  all  the  leading  Socialist  writers  insist  that 
civilized  society  shall  live  under  Socialism — in 
community  relations,  with  a  tendency  against 


THE    UNDER   PUP  293 

monogamous  marriage,  and  in  the  direction  of 
free  love;  to  throw  off  all  the  ehtical  restraints 
of  religion,  and  accept  as  the  sole  moral  guide, 
the  unrestrained  impulses  of  the  human  will. 

I  have  insisted,  Mike,  that  Socialism  is  a  wail 
from  the  depth;  a  cry  that,  as  the  depth  cannot 
come  up,  all  men  shall  come  down.  That  its  ap- 
peal is  to  the  under  pup,  the  lower,  profligate, 
spendthrift,  vagrant,  improvident,  shiftless  class. 
This  is  one  of  the  indisputable  facts  apparent  to 
any  man,  who  will  listen  to  any  one  of  their  street 
corner  spielers,  anywhere  at  any  time.  I  have 
never  yet  heard  one  of  them  make  an  appeal  to 
any  other  class.  And  the  appeal  is  always  to 
the  "under  class"  to  combine  and  drag  down  the 
"upper  class."  Exploit  them — make  them  as 
common,  as  poor,  as  powerless  to  climb  by 
individual  effort  as  themselves.  They  are 
always  against  the  men  who  are  "up  in 
the  world."  They  make  no  distinction  as 
to  how  they  got  up.  A  capitalist  is  a 
capitalist,  a  plutocrat  is  a  plutocrat ;  all  men  who 
have  made  money,  and  have  money,  are  op- 
pressors and  thieves.  Not  a  single  combination 
of  capital  that  has  been,  and  is,  developing  the 
resources  of  the  country,  but  is,  in  their  heated 
imaginations,  a  criminal  organization.  It  will 
be  so,  they  assert,  till  they  get  the  property  and 


THE    UNDER   PUP 

confiscate  it,  own  and  control  it ;  that  every  man 
who  is  at  the  head  of  a  factory,  a  mine,  a  rail- 
road, or  any  other  public  industry,  must  be  un- 
horsed, and  the  property  handed  over  to  them. 
They  deny,  at  the  top  of  their  voices,  that  they 
are  asking  or  demanding  that  property  be 
equally  divided.  I  will  help  them  deny  that 
charge  myself.  I  do  not  blame  them  for  not 
wanting  to  be  misunderstood.  I  would  not  want 
to  be  misrepresented  myself.  So  I  say,  Mike, 
to  be  perfectly  fair,  that  I  have  never  yet  seen 
a  gang  of  Socialists  that  modest.  They  do  not 
want  to  equally  divide  with  anybody.  They  in- 
sist on  taking  the  "whole  hog."  More,  I  have 
never  read  one  of  their  authors  in  which  there  is 
not  a  studied  effort  to  stir  up  hatred  against 
every  one  of  the  "capitalistic"  class,  against 
economic  conditions,  against  existing  forms  of 
government,  against  every  man,  and  every  insti- 
tution, that  in  any  way  stands  in  defense  of 
things  as  they  now  are,  and  that  is  not  in  favor 
of  the  changes  they  demand.  It  is  "war  to  the 
knife,  and  knife  to  the  hilt." 

When  you  insist  that  Socialism  is  seeking  to 
destroy  monogamic  marriage,  and  is  in  favor  of 
free  love,  a  lot  of  socialistically  inclined  jabber- 
wacks,  will  declare  you  are  mistaken;  that  that 
is  not  Socialist  doctrine,  nor  any  part  of  the 


THE    UNDER   PUP  295 

socialistic  program.  When  you  call  their  atten- 
tion to  the  fact  that  Socialism  is  materialistic 
pure  and  simple;  that  it  is  organized  opposition, 
to,  and  hatred  of,  the  church,  of  every  form  of 
Christian  teaching,  as  to  the  regeneration  and 
reformation  of  men,  from  within,  they  go 
straight  up  in  the  air.  When  you  explain  fur- 
ther, that  Socialism  means  to  destroy  the  family 
— the  legalized  life-long  marriage  of  one  man 
and  one  woman — and  in  its  place,  turn  society 
loose  without  any  moral  restraints,  thus  destroy- 
ing prostitution  by  making  all  women  prosti- 
tutes, they  insist  that  you  are  not  posted  on 
socialistic  teaching.  When  you  show  that  they 
not  only  mean  to  interfere  with  the  family  by 
destroying  monogamic  marriage,  but  intend  to 
make  its  destruction  complete  by  taking  the 
children  away  from  the  parents  altogether,  and 
turning  them  over  to  the  state  as  public  wards, 
they  tell  you  that  you  never  saw  that  in  a  Social- 
ist platform. 

When  you  call  their  attention  to  the  fact  that 
Socialism  is  a  revolutionary  force  which  is  con- 
stantly appealing  to  the  unfortunate,  the  misfits 
and  the  vagabond  element  of  society,  to  unite, 
overthrow  existing  forms  of  government,  con- 
fiscate and  appropriate  the  entire  wealth  of  the 
country  to  their  own  use — the  use  of  the  public 


296  THE    UNDER   PUP 

and  that  they  mean  that  all  semblance  of  law 
over  men  shall  be  destroyed ;  that  civil  law,  civil 
courts,  and  every  restrictive  measure  over  human 
action  and  human  cussedness,  shall  be  wiped  out ; 
that  unrestrained  appetite,  ungoverned  passion, 
undirected  vagaries  of  the  will,  may  be  the  sole 
guide  to  human  conduct,  they  insist  that  you  are 
certainly  mistaken. 

When  you  call  their  attention  to  the  state- 
ments of  the  early  Socialists,  that  forcible  revolu- 
tion to  overthrow  governments  and  complete  the 
ascendancy  of  the  unfortunate  and  mongrel 
classes,  is  one  of  the  things  contemplated  in  cer- 
tain events,  they  reply  that  Marx  and  Engles 
and  several  of  the  rest  who  talked  that  way  are 
dead.  But  a  lot  of  others,  including  Victor  L. 
Berger,  are  very  much  alive  and  talk  the  same 
way.  Such  retorts  beg  the  question.  The  books 
of  Marx,  Engles,  Bebel  and  others  are  handed 
around  today  as  "Socialist  Classics"  with  which 
to  convert  men  to  Socialism.  They  are  in  every 
Socialist  library,  and  accepted  as  the  most  au- 
thorative  expositions  of  true  Socialism.  They 
are  advertised  in  and  recommended  by  Socialist 
journals  as  containing  the  correct  and  funda- 
mental principles  of  scientific  Socialism.  Read 
all  the  authors  of  Socialist  works  from  Marx 
and  Engles,  Bebel  and  Bax  to  Ferri,  Morris, 


THE    UNDER   PUP  297 

Herron,  Kautsky,  Leibknect,  LaFague,  Lea- 
tham,  Hyndman,  Guesde,  Vandervelde,  and  you 
will  find  that  the  boasting  brood  of  government 
overthrowers,  law  destroyers,  home  defamers, 
marriage  annullers,  religious  underminers,  free 
love  advocates,  forcible  revolution  blatherskites 
and  property  confiscatory  doctrinaires — are  all 
alike.  They  form  the  Socialist  library  of  infor- 
mation as  to  what  Socialism  is;  as  to  what  it 
proposes  to  do;  as  to  what  the  men  who  form 
the  directing  cabinet  of  international  Socialism 
believe,  that  Socialism  would  be  in  actual  fact, 
were  the  human  race  to  go  insane  and  give  it  the 
ascendancy  in  human  affairs.  If  their  depraved 
doctrines  and  utterances  on  the  questions  of  the 
overthrow  of  the  state,  the  family,  the  laws, 
courts,  civil  authority,  the  church,  all  established 
institutions,  and  the  advocacy  of  free  love,  free 
conduct,  and  the  herding  of  children  by  the  pub- 
lic, as  well  as  the  open  plunder  of  all  the  prop- 
erty-holding class,  are  not  socialistic,  why  do  not 
the  Socialist  press,  Socialist  conventions,  Social- 
ist "Locals,"  Socialist  "Boards"  or  some  organi- 
zation of  decency  in  Socialist  ranks,  repudiate 
them?  Why  do  they  not  stop  advertising  the 
books  as  authorities  on  Socialism,  stop  handing 
them  out  as  Socialist  campaign  documents,  or 
expurgate  and  disown  the  whole  nasty,  demoral- 


298  THE    UNDER   PUP 

izing  mess  of  villainous  slop  they  contain.  If 
Socialism  does  not  make  its  appeal  to  the  ele- 
ments of  depravity  in  human  nature,  to  the  de- 
praved taste  of  the  vagrant  classes,  why  are  not 
the  pages  in  these  books  that  do,  expurgated? 
The  fact  that  they  are  not;  the  fact  that  modern 
Socialists  of  the  higher  official  position — the  men 
who  speak  with  authority,  either  keep  silent,  or 
when  they  do  speak,  give  expression  to  the  same 
foul  mouthings,  is  as  conclusive,  as  that  two  and 
three  make  five,  that  they  are  the  authorized 
dictum  of  the  cult.  In  short  they  are  the  distinct 
statements,  the  tenets,  that  make  Socialism 
Socialism. 

The  fact  is,  Mike,  the  works  of  the  authors 
mentioned  are  all  authority  on  socialistic  doc- 
trine. The  little  guys  we  meet  who  deny  that, 
do  not  know  what  they  are  talking  about;  they 
belong  to  one  of  two  classes.  The  first  are  the 
fellows  who  do  not  really  know  what  Socialism 
is.  They  are  Socialists  because  they  have  heard 
how  the  adoption  of  Socialism  will  stop  all  the 
hunger,  misfortune,  misery  and  poverty  in  the 
world.  How,  when  adopted,  it  will  make  them 
as  rich  as  the  richest,  and  bring  about  a  perfect 
and  unending  picnic  life  on  earth,  and  do  it  with- 
out much  hard  work.  They  have  been  told  that 
the  reason  men  are  not  all  prosperous  and  con- 


THE    UNDER   PUP  299 

tented  now  is  because  "Capitalism"  is  the  power 
that  is  in  control.  That  the  only  thing  necessary 
to  change  it  all,  at  once  and  forever,  is  to  wipe 
capitalism  and  all  the  institutions  it  has  spoken 
into  existence,  off  of  the  face  of  the  earth.  And 
all  that  is  necessary  to  do  it  is  to  just  vote  the 
Socialist  ticket,  and  vote  'r  straight.  If  they 
would  only  read  the  standard  Socialist  authors, 
they  would  learn  that  Socialism  insists  that  the 
"Capitalistic  Institutions"  that  support  the  pres- 
ent system,  are  governments,  laws,  courts,  in- 
dividual title  to  property,  the  law  of  inheritance, 
monogamic  marriage,  the  family,  the  church,  the 
Christian  doctrine  of  regeneration  from  within, 
the  criminal  code  of  civilized  society,  and  the 
general  law-making  body.  Then,  if  they  were 
to  stop  and  just  think  for  a  minute,  they  would 
see  that  Socialism,  with  its  ideas  of  com- 
munity of  interests,  never  could  be  established 
without  destroying  every  one  of  these  things. 
They  would  see  that  the  whole  villainous  brood 
of  social  rabbies,  the  Socialist  authors,  from  Carl 
Marx  down,  would  have  to  inoculate  the  society 
of  men  before  Socialism  could  exist  as  a  system 
of  "Government."  The  second  class  is  composed 
of  those  who,  like  Hilquitt,  know  were  they 
to  own  up,  open  and  above  board,  that  the  con- 
sequences of  Socialist  philosophy  are  material- 


300  THE    UNDER   PUP 

ism,  and  all  the  brood  of  revolutionary  iniquities 
those  authors  advocate,  they  would  lose  the  ears 
of  the  American  public,  and  their  propaganda 
would  be  at  an  inglorious  end.  Knowing  that 
when  they  can  make  men  "class  conscious"  by 
first  fulminating  against  capitalism,  and  making 
them  dissatisfied  by  running  the  gamut  on  the 
rascality  of  men  in  office,  that  they  can,  little 
by  little,  convince  them  that  the  whole  Socialist 
program  is  correct.  So  they  deny,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  deceiving  the  public.  Of  course,  all  these 
things  are  not  in  the  Socialist  platform.  Men 
would  be  imbecile  to  put  them  in.  All  the  fun- 
damentals of  democratic  government  are  not  in 
the  Republican  and  Democratic  platform.  Not 
by  a  long  shot.  They  are  in  the  American  Con- 
stitution. The  books  of  Marx,  Bebel,  et  al.  con- 
tain the  constitutional  doctrines  of  Socialism. 
Just  as  you  cannot  have  a  Democracy  without 
government  over  men,  civil  courts,  criminal  laws, 
public  officials,  property  rights  and  individual 
ownership,  family  life  and  well  recognized  society 
customs  and  moral  principles,  taxes,  etc.,  so  you 
cannot  have  scientific  Socialism  without  the  total 
destruction  of  every  one  of  these  things.  The 
necessary  fundamentals  of  Socialism  are  the 
abrogation  of  civil  government,  civil  courts,  re- 
pressive laws,  the  family  and  family  life,  indi- 


THE    UNDER   PUP  301 

vidual  ownership,  individual  initiative,  the  crim- 
inal code,  jails,  penitentiaries,  and  as  one  of  the 
concomitant  necessities,  the  church  and  revealed 
religion,  with  their  doctrines  of  future  reward 
and  punishments  on  the  basis  and  character  of 
conduct  in  this  life.  When  Socialism  is  estab- 
lished, its  fundamentals  will  be  the  basis  of  the 
system.  No,  Mike,  Socialism  cannot  hide  its 
nasty  nature.  Men  will  find  it  out  as  the  days 
come  and  go,  and  you  mark  my  word,  that  just 
as  the  strength  of  its  appeal — which  is  to  the 
element  of  depravity  in  men — is  clearly  under- 
stood, will  the  American  people  get  their  eyes 
open,  and  the  whole  thing  will  be  politically 
skinned,  and  its  hide  hung  on  a  tree.  They  will 
learn  what  Socialism  is  from  its  basic  doctrines, 
as  we  know  what  democracy  is  from  the  consti- 
tution. Neither  system  puts  its  basic  part  in  its 
"party"  platforms. 

You  cannot  make  a  man  sober  by  furnishing 
him  all  the  whiskey  he  wants  to  drink.  You  can- 
not make  men  good  by  turning  them  loose  in 
unrestrained  license  to  run  riot  in  passion.  You 
cannot  make  the  world  better  by  just  stuffing 
it  with  grub.  You  cannot  reform  men  by  teach- 
ing them  to  eat,  sleep,  be  happy  regardless,  and 
do  as  they  please.  You  cannot  make  a  nation 
honest,  when  its  first  founding  act  is  disregard 


302  THE    UNDER   PUP 

of  the  right  of  the  individual,  and  wholesale  theft. 
You  cannot  make  women  pure  by  reducing  them 
all  to  the  level  of  harlots.  You  cannot —  Oh 
pshaw,  Mike.  You  cannot  be  sensible  at  any 
time  or  anywhere  by  just  acting  the  fool. 


TALK  SIXTEEN 

IT  is  said  that  at  one  time  a  gentleman  of  high 
character  and  fine  intelligence  was  taking  his 
insane  brother  to  an  asylum  for  safekeeping,  as 
he  was  at  times  violent.  On  reaching  the  asylum, 
the  sane  brother  stopping  to  hitch  his  horse,  the 
insane  one  saw  his  chance.  He  passed  on 
through  the  gate  and  into  the  asylum  office.  He 
hurriedly  introduced  himself  as  the  sane  one  of 
the  two,  told  the  keeper  that  his  brother,  though 
violently  insane  when  interferred  with,  was 
laboring  under  the  hallucination  that  he  was 
bringing  him  (the  speaker)  to  the  asylum;  that 
when  he  stepped  in  at  the  door  the  attendants 
should  grab  him,  put  him  in  irons  and  place  him 
in  a  cell,  paying  no  attention  to  his  ravings  and 
protestations.  It  is  said  that  the  ruse  worked 
without  a  slip,  and  the  wrong  man  was  placed 
in  limbo.  The  other  one  thus  escaped  for  a  brief 
period. 

Judging  from  all  history  of  government,  and 
all  human  experience,  Socialism  is  a  species  of 
economical,  ethical,  governmental  and  social  in- 
sanity. It  is  playing  all  established  governments 
to  the  misfit  ends  of  society,  for  the  insane 

Every  little  jabberwack  in  its  ranks  is  taught 

303 


304  THE    UNDER   PUP 

to  parrot  about  the  injustice  of  existing  govern- 
ments, the  inequalities  of  economic  conditions, 
and  the  entire  industrial  and  social  system,  all 
of  which  must  be  overthrown,  and  in  their  place 
a  "Social"  or  "Co-operative  Commonwealth"  es- 
tablished. When  he  tells  you  what  the  proposed 
commonwealth  will  be,  what  it  will  do,  and  how 
it  is  to  be  administered,  any  ten-year-old  boy  can 
see  that  the  entire  government,  as  now  estab- 
lished, must  be  annihilated  in  order  to  give  it 
room.  Playing  us  for  fools,  it  assumes  the  posi- 
tion of  a  factional  political  party,  working  along 
established  governmental  and  constitutional  lines, 
to  secure  a  majority  of  the  officials  of  state.  But 
it  is  not  a  political  party,  in  the  sense,  in  which 
any  other  party  in  existence,  in  any  country, 
is  organized.  It  comes  as  a  distinct  system  of 
human  government,  intended  to  overthrow  and 
replace  all  other  systems.  If  the  Democratic 
party  of  the  United  States  should  become  strong 
enough  to  place  one  of  its  members  in  every 
office  in  the  land,  there  would  be  no  change  in 
the  constitutional  form  of  government  in  any 
sense.  There  would  be  some  change  in  methods 
of  administration,  in  governmental  policy  in  re- 
lation to  certain  questions  affecting  the  control 
of  corporate  interests,  revenues,  taxes,  the  devel- 
opment of  our  natural  resources,  perhaps,  with 


THE    UNDER    PUP  305 

such  new  laws  as  would,  in  Democratic  judg- 
ment, benefit  the  masses,  but  there  would  be  no 
change  in  the  form  of  government  itself.  Every 
Democrat  could  take  the  prescribed  oath  to  sup- 
port the  Constitution,  and  do  it  consistently,  and 
mean  it  when  he  takes  it. 

Now,  Mike,  suppose  the  Socialists  should  gain 
the  same  foothold  in  our  country.  Every  meas- 
ure they  would  take  up  would  be  one  looking 
to  the  complete  overthrow  of  our  existing  insti- 
tutions, to  the  form  and  character  of  our  National 
Constitution,  as  well  as  the  functions  of  govern- 
ment themselves.  When  they  come  into  the  field 
of  politics,  as  one  of  the  ordinary  party  organiza- 
tions ;  when  they  aspire  to  positions  in  Congress, 
the  United  States  Senate — any  legislative,  judi- 
cial or  executive  office — it  is  like  a  lot  of  soldiers 
enlisted  in  one  army,  whose  hearts  are  in  its 
cause  traitorously  going  over  and  enlisting  in 
the  opposing  army,  with  the  sole  intention  of 
working,  seemingly  loyal,  till  they  can  get, 
enough  of  their  own  men  in  the  official  ranks,  to 
finally  show  their  true  colors,  overthrow  the  en- 
tire army  and  the  cause  for  which  it  stands. 

That  is  the  reason  why  I  said  to  you  one  night 
a  year  ago  that  I  did  not  know  what  Con- 
gress would  do  when  it  come  to  face  the  question 

20 


306  THE    UNDER   PUP 

of  seating  Victor  L.  Berger,  the  Wisconsin  So- 
cialist, elected  from  the  Milwaukee  district;  nor 
how  Berger  could  conscientiously  take  the  pre- 
scribed oath  to  support  the  Constitution.  It 
seems  now  that  he  did  take  it  without  squirming, 
but  were  I  a  Socialist,  I  do  not  think  I  could— 
were  I  a  member  of  the  House,  I  certainly  would 
have  raised  the  question  of  his  eligibility  to  his 
seat  on  constitutional  grounds.  I  would  not 
have  raised  the  question  against  Berger  as  a  man. 
I  would  have  raised  it  against  him  as  a  Socialist, 
on  the  assumption  that  Socialism  is,  to  any  exist- 
ing government,  revolutionary,  traitorous,  trea- 
sonable, and  should  have  no  legal  standing  in  our 
law-making  body,  nor  in  any  other  legally  con- 
stituted body  involving  the  interpretation  or  exe- 
cution of  our  laws. 

The  fact  is,  Mike,  that  Socialism  is  a  bad  egg. 
In  any  country  where  it  has  an  organization, 
in  relation  to  the  structure  and  functions  of  the 
government,  it  has  bile  on  its  liver.  There  is 
sedition  in  its  mouthings  and  revolution  in  its 
heart.  Instead  of  passing  it  by  as  a  species  of 
political  and  ethical  insanity,  it  should  be  taken 
seriously  for  what  it  is,  an  Ishmaelite  among  the 
nations  of  the  earth,  which  should  have  the  stand- 
ing of  an  Ishmaelite  only.  Put  it  in  the  legisla- 
tive department  of  the  government  in  the  person 


THE    UNDER   PUP  307 

of  its  Bergers  or  Bax's?  Not  that  anybody 
knows  of.  You  might  just  as  well,  and  with  as 
good  show  to  national  safety,  have  selected  Rus- 
sian officers  to  command  the  army  of  Japan,  or 
vice  versa,  during  the  Russo-Japanese  war. 
Might  as  well  allow  your  competitor  in  business^ 
to  come  in  and  take  the  management  of  your 
affairs.  He  would  be  fully  as  loyal  to  your  in- 
terests. No,  Mike,  there  is  no  use  temporizing, 
with  Socialism.  The  thing  to  do  with  it,  is  what 
Mrs.  Fitzsimmons  told  Bob,  at  Reno,  to  do  with 
Corbet,  "Jab  him  in  the  slats,"  and  do  it  the  way 
Bob  did — do  it  to  win,  and  do  it  with  all  your 
might.  Politically,  Socialism  is  the  Turkey  Buz- 
zard of  the  earth.  It  lives  and  thrives  on  the  pu- 
trescence of  political  corruption ;  the  scandals  re- 
sulting from  the  exposed  crookedness  and  bribed 
action  of  trusted  officials.  It  is  only,  when  men 
iwhom  we  have  trusted  with  office  betray  their 
trust,  and  political  scandal  results,  that  Socialism 
feels  good — feels  that  water  is  pouring  on  its 
wheel.  It  is  only  when  corruption  is  exposed 
that  Socialism  sees  a  chance  to  gain  adherents 
fast.  And,  it  does  not  expect  to  gain  them  then, 
by  explaining  the  fundamental  doctrines  on 
Iwhich  it  is  based.  Not  much.  It  expects  to  gain 
,them  by  constantly  thrumming  on  the  corruption 
extant.  As  soon  as  the  lovers  of  decency,  in 


308  THE    UNDER   PUP 

politics  get  active,  and  bring  the  guilty  to  judg- 
ment ;  as  soon  as  the  irregularities  are  corrected, 
Socialism  must  wait,  and  look  for  a  lapse  in  some 
other  direction.  Make  men  prosperous  and 
Socialism  is  a  dead  duck.  Put  the  class  conscious 
cry  out  of  business  and  Socialism  would  make 
just  one  little  gurgle  and  collapse.  Nothing 
will  hurt  Socialism  as  badly  as  telling  the  truth 
about  it — getting  men  to  see  what  it  really  is. 

The  fact  is,  there  is  no  class  spirit  in  this 
country,  outside  of  Socialists  themselves,  and 
a  few  vulgar  apers  of  foreign  aristocracy  in  some 
sections  of  the  East.  The  great  mass  of  the 
people  do  not  cut  a  fellow  in  the  West  because 
he  is  in  limited  financial  circumstances.  They 
only  do  so  when  they  find  him  morally  unworthy. 
When  his  character  is  bad,  his  habits  question- 
able, his  associations  disreputable,  or  he  is  natur- 
ally coarse,  vulgar  and  unreliable,  they  let  him 
drop.  Socialists  then  get  at  him,  tell  him  it  is 
the  economic  condition  of  the  country  that  puts 
him  under.  If  he  were  to  close  his  ears  to  their 
yawp,  straighten  up  and  try  to  help  himself,  a 
thousand  hands  would  reach  for  his.  We  all  be- 
gan poor;  many  like  Walter  Case,  have 
come  up  from  the  lower  story,  and  every  one  of 
that  class  will  give  the  rest  of  us  the  glad  hand, 
and  extend  help  when  they  are  convinced  that 


THE    UNDER    PUP  309 

we  are  making  an  honest  effort  to  climb.  If, 
in  spite  of  all  the  object  lessons  about  him, 
a  man  will  live  in,  and  for  his  appetite,  if  he 
will  loaf  around  all  summer  and  let  the  people 
help  his  family  through  the  winter;  if  he  will 
squander  his  wages  for  drink,  and  must  go 
ragged  and  hungry;  if  he  will  be  a  drone  and  a 
vagabond,  the  western  people  say  his  condition 
is  of  his  own  making  and  he  must  suffer  the  con- 
sequences. Everybody  says  they  are  correct  ex- 
cept the  Socialists,  and,  Mike,  let's  be  charitable 
and  say  they  do  not  know.  They  cannot  dis- 
tinguish or  they  would  understand.  Their 
anxiety  to  "do  capitalism"  blinds  them  to  the 
truth. 

I  reckon,  Mike,  if  a  dog  ever  thinks  about 
the  problems  that  bother  human  beings,  it  has 
puzzled  you  as  to  why  I  have  been  worrying 
over  Socialism  all  winter  the  way  I  have.  I  do 
not  know  myself,  unless  being  a  bum  of  long 
and  varied  experience,  it  is  natural  that  I  should 
puzzle  over  bum  questions.  Then,  too,  maybe 
it  was,  because  I  found  that  the  average  Socialist 
propagandist  was  so  cock  sure  that  all  tramps 
and  vagabonds  are  the  products  of  the  economic 
—the  capitalistic — system,  when  I  knew  his  "in- 
controvertible facts"  were  the  vagaries  largely 
of  fevered  imagination  alone,  that  I  was  intui- 


310  THE    UNDER    PUP 

lively  impelled  by  a  desire  to  find  him  an  irre- 
sponsible windjammer  on  everything  else  con- 
nected with  the  subject. 

My  experience  has  been  that  Socialists  are 
wasting  both  their  sympathy  and  ammunition 
on  the  tramp  and  the  tramp  question.  While 
tramps  are  often  dissolute,  and  always  vaga- 
bonds, and  frequently  small  and  mean,  most  of 
them  are  men  of  a  good  deal  more  intelligence 
than  they  are  given  credit  for.  Many  of  them 
are  men  of  superior  education.  Nineteen  out  of 
twenty  of  them,  will  be  free  to  tell  you  that  they 
are  bumming  just  because  they  prefer  that  sort 
of  life.  They  will  tell  you  that  it  is  not  because 
they  are  oppressed,  nor  because  economic  condi- 
tions are  bad  in  their  case,  that  they  are  rovers, 
but  it  is  because  the  people  are  soft-hearted  and 
dead  easy.  It  is  true  they  go  hungry  at  times, 
but  generally  they  have  plenty  to  eat.  Not 
many  women  ever  refuse  a  tramp  a  decent  "hand 
out"  when  he  puts  up  a  good  story  of  dire  mis- 
fortune; and  most  of  us  can  do  that  in  the  most 
attractive  and  artistic  style.  It  is  easier  to  lie 
for  a  good  meal  than  it  is  for  a  lazy  man  to  work 
for  it;  and  after  a  while  on  the  road,  we  get 
used  to  it,  and  prefer  it  to  a  life  of  toil,  with  only 
a  little  more  comfort.  If  the  people  would  stop 
believing  our  "tales  of  woe,"  would  quit  feeding 


THE    UNDER   PUP  311 

us  "free  gratis  for  nothing,"  and  the  laws  were 
so  framed  that  we  would  have  to  work  or  starve 
— and  were  then  honestly  enforced,  you  would 
see  an  end  to  the  tramp  question,  and  see  it 
mighty  quick.  Men  are  tramps  because  they  are 
inoculated  with  the  "wander  lust"  microbe,  or 
because  they  are  of  that  peculiar  vagabond  dis- 
position that  makes  them  the  industrial  irre- 
sponsibles  of  their  day  and  kind.  Many  of  them 
are  sons  of  some  of  the  better  and  wealthier  class 
of  American  families.  It  is  the  scapegrace 
nature,  of  about  all  of  them,  that  makes  them 
what  they  are;  that,  and  too  much  unnecessary 
charity  among  the  people.  For  the  great  army 
of  women  and  children  that  are  fed  and  clothed 
by  the  charitably  inclined,  and  by  benevolent  or- 
ganizations all  over  the  land,  there  is  just  one 
sentence  of  explanation.  It  covers  to  a  T  the 
entire  reason  for  their  distress:  "Drinking, 
trifling,  improvident,  dissolute  parents,  husbands 
or  sons."  There  are  a  few  ne'er-do-we'els  for 
whose  incapacity  and  perennial  misfortune  no 
remedy  has  ever  yet  been  found.  Then  there  is 
one  more  class.  It  is  composed  of  the  human 
bipeds  who  are  "brainy"  and  industrious  as 
readers,  thinkers  and  theory  expounders,  but 
who  have  a  screw  loose  when  it  comes  to  physical 
labor  and  business  pursuits — anything  except 
making  a  living  by  the  "sweat  of  their  jaw.'* 


312  THE    UNDER   PUP 

If  we  look  them  up,  we  can  trace  them 
throughout  the  history  of  organized  society. 
Dreamers  they  are,  in  the  forefront  of  every 
"reform"  that  has  a  place  open,  at  so  much  per, 
for  their  peculiar  class  of  talent.  Years  ago, 
they  were  the  "prohibition  orators."  A  little 
later  along,  they  were  at  the  head  of  the 
"Populist"  movement  as  oratorical  unanswera- 
bles.  Now,  many  of  them  are  among  the  more 
persuasive  Socialist  apostles.  They  are  not  dis- 
honest. They  are  so  mentally  geared  that,  while 
in  the  midst  of  the  fray,  they  see  it  that  way, 
as  the  thing  the  nearest,  always  looks  the  largest 
— and  the  handsomest.  These  "Reform  Move- 
ments" are  a  sort  of  providential  thing.  If  it 
were  not  for  them  they  would  either  have  to 
starve  or  go  to  work,  and  neither  one  would  be 
pleasant.  Many  of  them  were  clergymen,  but 
either  they  moved  too  fast  for  the  church,  or  the 
church  moved  too  slow  for  them.  Anyway, 
there  was  a  hinge  off  somewhere,  and  the  voice 
of  "conscience  and  humanity  called  them  to  the 
broader  field." 

There  has  grown  up,  in  America  especially,  an 
abnormal  spirit  of  greed  for  gain.  Some  men 
with  the  "money  faculty"  got  ahead  in  the  world 
easily.  They  soon  found  that  poor  men  were  aii 
their  mercy,  took  advantage  of  it  and  ground 


THE    UNDER   PUP  313 

labor  wherever  they  could,  so  there  has  been  just 
cause  for  complaint.  But  the  cause  can  be  re- 
moved through  legislation  along  constitutional 
lines.  And  there  is  every  evidence  that  the  effort 
is  being  honestly  made.  If  the  intelligent  and 
patriotic  American  voters  (and  there  are  plenty 
of  them)  will  do  their  duty  the  evil  will  be  re- 
moved easier,  and  sooner,  than  most  people  think. 
Socialism  is  a  good  thing  in  one  way — its 
vagaries  and  criminal  nature  will  soon  be  fully 
understood.  It  will  get  enough  votes  to  actually 
frighten  the  law-loving  people,  the  thinking  class 
of  statesmen,  and  the  great  captains  of  industry, 
in  an  inch  of  their  lives.  Then  such  action  will 
be  taken  as  to  do  two  very  essential  things: 

First:  Place  the  great  industries  and  the 
workingmen  in  a  more  amicable  and  just  relation 
to  each  other.  Make  a  more  equitable  and  just 
distribution  of  the  products  of  labor.  Secure 
better  wage  conditions. 

Second :  Create  such  civic  and  legal  conditions, 
as  to  the  criminal  and  vagrant  classes,  as  will 
effectually  close  up  the  open  avenue  to  the  crime 
and  misery,  that  come  through  the  free  exercise 
of  appetite  and  indolence.  Treat  vagrancy  as 
a  crime,  and  neglect  to  support  wife  and  children, 
as  cause  for  arrest  and  enforced  industry. 

Socialism  will  then  go  the  way  of  all  the  mon- 


314  THE   UNDER   PUP 

grel  and  bastard  "reform  movements"  with 
which  civilization  has  been  stirred,  from  time  to 
time,  since  its  foundation.  That  is  my  prophecy, 
and  this  generation  will  see  it  fulfilled.  Either 
that,  or  Socialist  conventions  will  openly  re- 
pudiate its  standard  authors  on  what  they  teach 
as  Socialism. 

You  and  I,  Mike,  will  join  the  procession  for 
the  uplift  of  both  men — and — and  dogs — from 
this  time  on.  Walter  Case  and  family  are  to  be 
out  here  in  July.  And  Betty  and  the  babies  are 
coming  along.  Walt,  is  going  to  build  a  six- 
room  cottage  for  the  LeClaire  family  and  "Old 
Man  LeClaire"  is  going  to  build  a  kennel  for 
Mike.  It  will  be  the  best  ever. 

I'll  not  ask  Betty  to  trust  me  fully.  I  am  not 
worth  it.  But  I  will  let  her  carry  the  pocket- 
book.  I  know,  then,  that  the  money  will  not  go 
for  gin.  It  will  go  for  what  Socialism  claims 
will  make  human  society  perfect — grub,  clothes 
and  shelter.  If  Socialism  is  correct,  the  LeClaire 
gang  will  be  "peacherinos"  and  no  mistake,  for 
we  will  have  the  best  these  meadow  lands  will 
grow,  and  the  best  the  stores  will  furnish.  And 
you,  Mike?  You  will  have  the  best  care  of  any- 
thing on  the  place.  You  know,  that  by  saving 
little  Violet  Marion's  life  in  Boulder,  you  got  me 
this  place.  Violet  is  coming  up  to  see  us  when 


THE   UNDER   PUP  315 

the  folks  get  out  here.  I  do  hope  no  one  will  tell 
them  how  shabby  I  was  that  day.  I  want  to  for- 
get it  myself.  Let's  you  and  I  just  act  so  de- 
cent and  respectable,  that  even.  Betty  and  the 
babies  will  forget  that  they  ever  heard  we  were 
bums,  and  just  conclude,  after  all,  that  I  was  laid 
up  with  the  whooping  cough  for  ten  years,  and 
you  were  given  to  me  by  a  prince  of  the  realm. 

I've  made  my  peace  with  Betty,  or,  rather 
Walt  Case  has  for  me.  The  old  "see  decency 
where  it  is  not,"  and — well,  Mike,  it  is  a  long 
lane  that  has  no  end.  But  this  one  started  up 
hill  last  October,  and  now  in  May,  she  is  still 
headed  toward  the  summit.  When  we  get  on  top, 
old  man,  we  will  see  the  golden  glory  of  the 
autumnal  sunset.  We  will  hear  the  music  of  the 
wild  winds — the  music  of  a  freedom  tuned  in 
harmony  with  law.  The  music  of  hope,  pure, 
unblotted,  that  shall  be  answered  back  by  the 
"still,  small"  voice  of  the  eternal,  "peace,"  "love," 
"law,"  "order"  and  "good  will  among  men."  A 
clean  man  with  clean  habits,  a  clean  conscience 
and  high  resolutions,  make  a  pretty  healthy  mix. 
If  you  can  keep  them  tied  together,  Mike,  the 
combination  is  a  good  thing,  as  Walt  Case  says, 
to  have  lying  around.  It  creates  a  healthy  ap- 
petite and  is  a  good  sleep  producer. 


TALK  SEVENTEEN 

WELL,  Mike,  old  man,  this  is  our  last  lone- 
some together.  Tomorrow  night  the  folks  will 
be  here.  With  their  coming  in  at  the  door  So- 
cialism must  go  out.  We  have  read  Socialist 
literature  from  "Dan  to  Beersheba."  What  we 
don't  know  about  the  subject,  nobody  knows. 
Beginning  with  Carl  Marx  and  Frederick  En- 
gles  we  have  read  every  standard  authority  of 
the  cult  down  the  line  to  George  D.  Herron,  the 
American  secretary  to  the  international  council. 
The  very  fact  that  Socialists  maintain  an  inter- 
national central  body,  or  organization,  is  evidence 
conclusive  that  Socialism  is  unified.  There  is 
no  such  thing  as  American  Socialism,  English 
Socialism,  German  Socialism.  It  is  International 
Socialism.  Its  principles,  its  objects,  its  aims 
are  the  same  in  every  country  under  the  sun. 
The  only  difference  between  the  Socialists  of 
Germany  and  those  of  the  United  States,  is  the 
established  governments  being  different,  their 
methods  of  attack  are  different.  Local  issues 
are  different.  They  adjust  their  local  platform 
in  each  country  to  the  nature  of  existing  local 
political  conditions.  But  their  ultimate  aim,  on 
both  sides  of  the  sea,  is  the  same — the  capture 

316 


THE    UNDER   PUP  317 

and  overthrow  of  the  government.  This  they 
propose  to  do  by  either  one  of  two  methods — 
by  combining  the  "proletariat"  into  a  local, 
national  political  branch,  which  shall  at  the 
first  opportunity  capture  all  the  important  of- 
fices of  the  government.  This  done  they  will 
then  use  their  official  power  to  confiscate  all  the 
means  of  production  (which  necessarily  includes 
land)  and  distribution  from  private  hands,  and 
turn  them  over  to  the  co-operative  ownership  of 
the  public.  Having  thus  used  the  power  of  the 
existing  state,  to  rob  its  property  owning  citizen- 
ship, they  will  scuttle  the  craft,  let  it  sink  into 
oblivion,  and  in  its  place  proclaim  an  American, 
German,  English  or  French  branch  of  the 
coming  "great  unified  international  co-operative 
commonwealth" — an  economic  conglomeration 
in  which  there  will  be  no  "authority  over  men, 
only  an  administration  of  things."  Bax  in 
"Woman  in  the  Past,  Present  and  Future," 
page  145,  tells  what  will  be  the  condition  when 
that  will  have  been  accomplished : 

"The  representatives  of  the  state  will  have  dis- 
appeared along  with  the  state  itself — ministers, 
parliaments,  standing  armies,  police  and  gens 
d'armes,  law  courts,  lawyers  and  public  prosecu- 
tors, prisons,  rates,  taxes  and  excises — the  entire 
political  apparatus." 


318  THE    UNDER   PUP 

You  will  remember,  Mike,  what  the  Appeal 
to  Reason  of  July  11,  1903,  also  says  of  that 
"coming  day:"  "Under  Socialism  the  govern- 
ment will  have  no  other  function  but  the  admin- 
istration of  the  public  industries.  Socialism  is 
opposed  to  all  interference  with  the  personal  lib- 
erties of  the  people."  The  Socialists  are  going 
to  do,  as  each  pleases — or  bust. 

There  is  no  one  thing  on  which  Socialist 
authorities  the  world  over — standard  authors 
and  influential  journals — are  more  uniformly 
agreed,  than  that  Socialism  means  to  bring  about 
the  exact  conditions  described  above — by  Bax, 
and  the  Appeal  to  Reason,  when — if  ever,  it  is 
established. 

And,  Mike,  every  man  who  reads  the  state- 
ments made  uniformly  by  Socialist  authorities- 
George  D.  Herron,  the  highest  American  So- 
cialist official  included — as  to  the  economic  and 
social  conditions  Socialism  would  establish, 
knows,  intuitively,  that  the  localities  where  it 
would  be  received  with  the  loudest  acclaim,  where 
it  would  be  the  most  popular,  would  be  in  the 
outlaw  camps,  the  jails,  penitentiaries  and  dens 
of  infamy  of  the  earth.  There  is  no  use  to  mince 
matters.  That  is  the  bald  and  everlasting  truth, 
and  any  man  who  loves  his  home,  his  family,  his 
country,  everything  decent  in  human  history  and 


THE    UNDER   PUP  319 

human  progress,  who,  on  learning  what  Social- 
ism proposes  to  do,  would  espouse  its  cause,  or 
vote  its  ticket — is  certainly  rank  "bug-house,"  or 
on  the  road  to  everlasting  moral  irresponsibility. 
Many  and  many  an  honest  and  patriotic  man,  has 
been  voting  the  Socialist  ticket  in  all  countries. 
There  are  existing  economic  and  industrial 
wrongs,  which  in  this  money-mad  age,  have  not 
been  molested.  With  trust  and  corporate  hire- 
lings, in  politics,  they  have  become  discouraged. 
Socialists  have  taken  advantage  of  conditions, 
talked  gratuitously  and  promised  the  earth,  have 
iterated  and  reiterated  the  wonderful  things  they 
would  do  if  placed  in  power — all  for  the  "poor 
and  oppressed."  This  looked  like  the  best  thing 
in  sight,  and  so  they  have  voted  the  ticket — be- 
lieving Socialism  to  be  only  a  new  American 
political  party  which,  placed  in  power,  would 
right  our  political  wrongs,  be  loyal  in  their  leg- 
islative efforts  to  the  government  and  the  con- 
stitution. The  pamphlets  and  Socialist  papers 
circulated  among  the  people  have  been  all  tuned 
to  create  prejudice  against  the  trusts  and  cor- 
porations, against  the  republican  and  democratic 
parties,  as  their  aiders  and  abettors — all  to  win 
votes  for  themselves.  The  full  philosophy  of 
international  Socialism — that  the  government, 
the  family,  the  church,  with  all  our  institutions, 


320  THE    UNDER   PUP 

are  the  outgrowth  of  our  economic  system,  have 
been  invented  by  capitalism  and  bound  on  the 
people  for  the  sole  purpose  of  enslaving  the 
masses  and  keeping  the  wealth  of  the  world  in 
the  hands  of  the  rich,  and  that  all  must  go  into 
the  ditch  in  order  that  Socialism  may  attain  its 
desired  ends — has  been  kept  in  the  background. 
If  one  of  these  voters  on  reading  Marx,  Engles, 
Bax  or  any  of  the  Socialist  standards,  becomes 
dissatisfied  and  asks  questions,  he  is  told  that 
Socialism  is  changing  and  that  the  atheism,  free 
loveism,  communism  and  private  property  con- 
fiscatory  doctrine,  was  only  the  individual  opin- 
ion of  authors  now  mostly  laid  on  the  shelf,  or 
dead  and  in  their  graves.  So,  very  many  of  the 
rank  and  file  do  not  understand  the  revolution- 
ary, immoral,  atheistic,  free  love,  villainous  na- 
ture, of  the  full  and  inevitable  consequences  that 
must  follow  the  establishment  of  the  "Socialistic 
State."  If  they  did  they  would  avoid  Socialism 
as  healthy  men  do  a  pest-house. 

The  second  method  of  ushering  in  Socialism 
is  by  "a  violent  and  bloody  revolution."  The 
first  to  suggest  the  plan,  and  possibility,  was  Carl 
Marx  in  the  Manifesto.  The  last  was  an  edi- 
torial in  the  Milwaukee,  Wisconsin,  "Social 
Democratic  Herald"  of  July  31,  1909,  written 
by  Victor  L.  Berger,  now  in  the  United  States 


THE    UNDER   PUP  321 

congress  as  a  Socialist.  Most  of  the  prominent 
and  influential  Socialist  leaders  of  all  countries, 
who  have  spoken  on  the  subject,  express  a  like 
sentiment.  But,  as  vote-catching  seems  to  be 
slowly  succeeding,  the  more  violent  method  is 
at  present  denied  by  their  agitators  of  the  small- 
fry  variety. 

We  must  not  forget,  Mike,  that  every  Social- 
ist authority,  from  Marx  to  Herron,  agrees  with 
all  the  rest,  as  to  what  constitutes  true  Socialist 
philosophy.  The  very  first  basic  doctrine  about 
which  there  is  no  dispute  is  that  of  "Economic 
Determinism."  That  is,  that  economics — "the 
food  supply,"  "the  struggle  for  existence" — the 
way  life's  necessities  are  produced  and  distrib- 
uted, together  with  the  amount  each  man  is  to 
possess — determine  the  existence,  the  nature  and 
character  of  every  public  institution.  You  will 
find  that  every  other  Socialist  writer — there  is 
not  a  single  exception  on  the  subject — accepts 
the  dictum  of  Carl  Marx,  as  next  to  divine  reve- 
lation. Carl  Marx  was  a  materialist — an  athe- 
ist— a  hater  of  the  church.  He,  nor  any  other 
atheist,  had  ever  been  able  to  make  any  great 
impression  on  the  church  life  of  his  time 
through  set  atheistic  arguments.  Not  believing 
in  the  supernatural  origin  of  religion,  not  believ- 
ing that  man  has  an  immortal  soul,  and  having 


322  THE    UNDER   PUP 

no  longing  for  things  higher  than  food  and 
clothing  himself,  being  largely  of  an  inventive 
and  speculative  mind  and  having  an  unquench- 
able thirst  for  power,  he  put  two  and  two  to- 
gether. Reasoning,  from  his  own  low  animal 
standpoint,  he  could  see  no  cause  for  the  existence 
of  religion,  except  to  advance  some  selfish  human 
interest.  Believing  that,  with  himself,  the  high- 
est ambition  of  men  always  has  been  for  plenty 
and  power,  he  conceived  the  idea  that  the  state, 
the  family  and  the  religion  of  a  future  life,  with 
its  promise  of  rewards  and  punishment  after 
death,  were  invented  by  shrewd,  dominating,  sel- 
fish men,  as  so  many  coercing  instruments 
through  which  they  could  command  the  weak  and 
enslave  the  poor.  That,  little  by  little,  the  rich 
got  richer.  Through  the  law  of  inheritance 
wealth  was  kept  in  the  hands  of  the  few.  The 
state  was  controlled  by  the  rich;  all  laws  were 
made  in  the  interest  of  the  property-holding 
class.  The  court,  police  and  prison  system,  were 
all  inaugurated  to  frighten  and  control  the 
rebellious  poor.  When  the  "proletariat,"  and 
serf  class  rebelled  in  large  numbers,  military 
power  was  inaugurated  to  overawe,  slaughter  or 
whip  them  into  submission.  Religion  was 
brought  into  requisition  to  work  on  their  hopes 
and  fears  and  thus  force  them  to  bear  with  some 


THE    UNDER    PUP  323 

degree  of  fortitude  their  miserable  lot.  Religion 
was  one  of  the  main  things  this  old  atheist  was 
after,  as  he  wanted  man  to  live  like  the  animal 
he  believed  he  really  is.  The  state,  with  its  re- 
straining laws,  its  police  and  prisons,  its  laws  of 
justice  over  property  rights  and  moral  relations, 
was  another.  The  legalized  family — (binding 
one  man  and  one  woman  together  for  life) — as 
the  unit  of  the  state — the  basis  of  society, 
making  it  the  guardian  and  protector  of  the 
children,  morally  out-lawing  illegal  matings, 
was  another.  Believing  man  to  be  an  animal 
only,  he  wanted  him  to  live  as  the  animal 
lives,  to  browse  and  forage,  and  mate  in  un- 
restrained license,  as  other  animals  browse  and 
forage  and  mate.  Man  being  a  mere  animal,  his 
only  needs  are  food  to  eat  in  plenty,  shelter  and 
raiment,  and  any  system  that  will  hinder  him 
from  eating  all  the  food  he  craves,  no  difference 
where  he  finds  it,  sleeping  wherever  there  is  shel- 
ter, and  being  co-owner  in  raiment  wherever 
stored,  he  held  as  vicious  and  wrong.  As  to  the 
sex  relation,  man  being  an  animal,  should  be  al- 
lowed to  live  and  mate  on  the  mere  animal  plane, 
with  no  restraints  except  those  of  his  own  free 
will.  Personally,  he  should  be  no  more  respon- 
sible, in  the  individual  sense,  for  the  rearing,  and 
education  and  care  of  his  offspring  than  any 
other  animal. 


324  THE    UNDER   PUP 

Marx  knew  that  he  could  not  make  a  dent  in 
the  civilized  system  of  government  by  attacking 
it  direct.  He'd  be  outlawed  or  tried  and  con- 
demned for  treason.  Knew  that  he  could  not  de- 
stroy men's  faith  in  religion  by  atheistic  and  ma- 
terialistic arguments.  That  had  been  tried  by 
more  profound  thinkers  than  he,  and  had  failed. 
He  could  not  destroy  the  family  by  any  species  of 
open  free  love  advocacy.  He  would  only  meet 
with  derision  and  utter  contempt.  He  had,  as 
wholesome  regard  for  his  reputation  as  he  had 
for  his  liberty  and  his  hide,  as  he  had  for  the  in- 
tellectual and  argumentative  equipment  of  the 
Christian,  scientific  and  scholastic,  world  in  open 
debate. 

Like  the,  exclusively,  animal  he  imagined  he 
was,  he  was  sneaking  in  attack.  He  made  his 
appeal  to  the  uneducated,  the  unresourceful,  the 
unequipped  element — the  wage  earning,  the  im- 
poverished class.  He  told  them  that  all  their 
ills,  all  their  poverty,  all  their  want  and  misery 
come — not  from  their  lack  of  industry  or  execu- 
tive skill,  lack  of  the  cumulative  faculty,  lack 
of  willingness  to  save,  to  deny  themselves  today 
for  the  morrow,  and  a  thousand  other  little  things 
that  could  be  overcome,  but  from  the  system  of 
civilization  in  which  they  live.  That  man  is  a 
mere  animal  whose  only  needs,  whose  only  func- 


THE    UNDER   PUP  325 

tion,  like  other  animals,  is  to  eat,  sleep,  struggle 
for  existence,  perpetuate  his  kind  and  be  happy. 
That  in  this  struggle,  a  system  of  economics  he 
calls  capitalism,  has  been  organized  by  which  the 
capitalist  enslaves  them,  keeps  them  poor  and 
piles  up  the  world's  supply  of  capital  wealth  for 
himself — the  man  who  does  not  need  it.  He  tells 
them  that  this  system  of  economics  piles  up 
riches  in  the  lap  of  the  idle  capitalist,  who  does 
not  work,  and  does  it  by  wantonly  robbing  the 
worker  of  what  he  creates.  That  to  bind  this 
system  of  economics  on  the  world  capitalism 
invented  the  "Capitalistic  State,"  with  its  repres- 
sive laws,  its  courts,  prisons,  police  system;  the 
family,  with  its  unanimal  restrictions,  as  the  basis 
of  society  and  unit  of  the  state ;  created  religion, 
when  it  should  have  known  there  was  no  God,  no 
future  life  with  its  imaginary  rewards  of  heaven 
and  hell,  to  back  up  capitalism  in  its  heartless 
robbery  and  wage  enslavement  of  the  poor.  And 
under  the  entire  system  the  poor  will  always  be 
poor  and  the  rich  will  be  rich  with  a  constantly 
widening  gulf  between  them. 

Every  materialist  with  energy  enough  in  him 
to  read,  and  ambition  enough  to  fight,  who  has 
read  his  theory,  gobbled  it  down  as  joyously  as  a 
buzzard  does  carrion.  Engles,  Bax,  Bebel, 
Morris,  Vandervelde,  Avery,  Guesde,  Hilquitt 


326  THE    UNDER   PUP 

and  a  host  of  others.  They  all  agree  with  Marx. 
They  and  their  tribe  furnish  the  brains  and  the 
organizing  genius  for  the  entire  cult.  They  say 
in  one  harmonious  breath,  that  the  one  thing  that 
must  come,  is  a  universal,  an  international  co- 
operative commonwealth.  This  done,  the  capi- 
talists will  be  unhorsed,  their  property  confis- 
cated, their  ruling  power  destroyed.  Then  every- 
body will  run  everything  while  it  lasts ;  the  work- 
ers— the  proletariat — will  hold  the  offices  and 
run  the  machine.  They  will  eat  of  the  best  of 
the  land,  wear  the  finest  of  clothes,  live  in  brown 
stone  fronts.  Their  wives  will  be  decked  in  silks 
and  glitter  with  jewels — and  if  they  take  a  shine 
to  other  men,  will  be  free  to  go,  when  and  where 
"love"  beckons  and  fancy  leads.  The  whole  fight 
is  to  be  directed,  at  this  time,  against  capitalism. 
Religion  is  not  to  be  put  in  the  platform  or  dis- 
cussed on  the  stump.  Monogamic  marriage  is 
also  to  be  left  out.  Atheism  is  to  be  tabooed. 
Why,  Mike?  Because  to  attack  the  church  in  the 
platform,  and  on  the  stump,  would  drive  away 
votes.  The  same  with  free  love.  Now,  why? 
Because  the  state,  the  church,  the  family  are  all 
part  of  the  warp  and  woof  of  capitalism. 
Do  up  capitalism,  stab  it  to  the  heart,  rip 
it  up  the  back,  cut  off  its  head,  gouge  out 
its  eyes,  confiscate  its  ill-gotten  gains,  sock  its 


THE    UNDER   PUP  327 

slimy  body  in  the  sewer.  When  that  is  done  the 
state  with  all  its  institutions,  being  a  part  of 
capitalism,  will  go  into  the  sewer  with  it.  The 
monogamic  family,  which  is  the  unit  of  the  state, 
will  gurgle  and  die  when  the  state  dies.  Religion 
which  is  a  capitalistic  invention — one  of  its  chief 
supports,  will  go  into  the  sewer  with  the  state. 

Who  teaches  that,  Mike?  Marx,  Engles,  Bax, 
Bebel,  Feri,  Vandervelde,  Morris  and  the  entire 
Socialist  college  of  standard  authorities,  living 
and  dead. 

Do  they  teach  it  as  their  private  opinion?  No, 
they  do  not.  They  teach  it  as  the  basis,  the  feet, 
legs,  head,  brain,  heart  and  lungs  of  interna- 
tional Scientific  Socialism.  Not  one  of  them 
cares  what  the  little  Socialist  voter  believes  on 
religion.  All  he  wants  is  for  the  comrade  to 
vote,  vote,  vote,  and  contribute  his  twenty-five 
cents  dues  every  month  to  the  cause — just  to 
keep  on  paying  and  voting  till  Socialism  leaps 
into  power.  Then  it  will  socialize  all  property, 
establish  the  co-operative  commonwealth  and 
fiddle  while  capitalism,  the  state  with  all  its  laws 
and  prisons,  the  family  with  its  life-long  legal 
tie,  its  exclusive,  private  home,  its  custom  of 
property  inheritance  for  the  children;  religion 
with  its  doctrines  and  precepts,  its  warnings  and 
encouragements,  its  inculcations  of  morals  and 


328  THE    UNDER   PUP 

brotherly  good  will,  go  down  in  death.  What  will 
be  handed  to  human  society,  to  take  their  place? 
Animalism  pure  and  simple,  materialism,  athe- 
ism, free  love,  the  "goddess  of  reason,"  which 
has  ever  been  the  unchained  passions  of  the  baser 
self. 

It  is  a  proverb  as  old  as  time  that  no  house 
is  large  enough  for  two  families  to  live  in,  in 
peace,  at  the  same  time.  Where  each  family 
owns  its  own  home,  its  own  implements  and  its 
own  utensils,  there  is  fraternity  and  good  will. 
Where  there  is  joint  ownership,  the  history  of 
the  past  is  uniform,  that  there  is  little  except 
contention  and  strife.  Uniform  human  experi- 
ence has  testified  that  joint  ownership,  partner- 
ships and  collective  property,  have  been  the  pro- 
lific source  of  strife  and  ill  will.  This  has  been 
true  regardless  of  whether  the  parties  to  the  con- 
tract were  poor  and  hungry,  or  rich  and  well-fed. 
The  condition  of  the  stomach,  or  external  cir- 
cumstances, had  little  to  do  with  mental  attitudes. 

Another  thing,  characteristic  of  all  society,  is 
that  few,  outside  of  mothers  for  their  children 
or  servants  for  their  masters,  will  stoop  to  vari- 
ous phases  of  coarser  toil.  Unless  "pay  is  big,"  or 
rules  rigid  and  authority  strong  to  enforce,  there 
is  a  very  large  range  of  necessary,  but  objection- 
able work  in  the  interest  of  sanitation,  that  will 


THE   UNDER   PUP  329 

be  neglected.  Then  there  is  a  numerically  large 
class  who  never  have  toiled  and  never  will,  unless 
driven  by  necessity,  or  authority.  Now,  in  an 
anarchy  where  there  is  no  government  outside  of 
individual  will,  this  class  cannot  be  handled. 
Since  the  public  will  own  everything  and  they  are 
a  part  of  the  public,  they  will  have  a  right  to 
the  public  stores,  work  or  no  work.  Since  there 
will  be  no  "rule  over  men,"  only  an  "adminis- 
tration of  things,"  how  will,  how  can  this  vagrant 
gang  be  controlled  for  the  public  weal?  "Oh,  but 
when  all  men  have  abundance,  all  men  will  do 
their  share."  But  will  they?  Since  the  days  of 
history,  the  better  this  class  is  fed,  the  better 
housed  and  clothed,  the  more  trifling  and  lazy 
its  members  are.  The  larger  share  of  the  real 
misery  of  the  world  today  is  not  from  poverty  or 
hunger  or  over  property  ownership.  It  is  from 
another  source.  I  am  afraid,  Mike,  that  Carl 
Marx  and  his  apostles  were  more  anxious  to  get 
religion  and  some  other  restraints  out  of  the 
way  than  they  were  to  bring  the  society  of  men 
into  a  more  contented  and  happy  state.  It  is  a 
fact,  noted  everywhere,  that  very  few  men  who 
are  Socialists  remain  in  the  church.  In  most  in- 
stances to  become  a  Socialist  is  to  soon  drop  all 
religious  profession.  Another  common  rule  is 
that  when  the  average  Socialist  begins  to  prosper 


330  THE    UNDER   PUP 

his  Socialistic  ardor  dies,  and  if  fortune  continues 
with  him,  he  in  the  end,  gives  up  Socialism  and 
becomes  "capitalistic."  The  honest,  intelligent, 
ambitious  workingman  knows  that  he  can  always 
get  work  and  at  good  wages.  He  knows  fur- 
ther that  there  are  constantly  better  positions 
ahead  for  him,  and  that  nine-tenths  of  the  high- 
salaried  positions  are  held  by  men  who  were  poor 
boys  who  pushed  to  the  top.  He  knows  that 
when  he  looks  around  he  sees  that  in  the  hardest 
times  there  are  work  and  wages  for  the  best 
men,  while  in  the  best  of  times  there  is  little 
work,  and  the  lowest  wages,  for  trifling,  lazy  men. 
He  will  see  further,  that  the  very  men  who  are 
yowling  the  loudest  for  a  better  system  of  human 
government,  have  been,  and  are,  doing  the  least, 
through  industry,  loyalty,  patriotic  or  civic 
action,  to  better  the  one  we  now  have. 

Thousands  of  our  American  boys  were  loung- 
ing around  the  streets,  they  and  their  parents 
claiming  there  was  nothing  to  do.  A  lot  of 
dark-skinned  boys  came  from  over  the  sea, 
opened  "shine  parlors"  in  the  same  towns,  and 
are  making  a  living  and  laying  up  money  every 
year.  Oh,  yes,  comrade,  getting  on  in  the  world 
is  in  the  boy,  the  man.  He  makes  his  own  star, 
carves  his  own  fortune;  and,  Mike,  the  boy  or 
dog  that  keeps  on  hunting  will  finally  corner  big 


THE   UNDER   PUP  331 

game.  There  are  opportunities — lots  of  them— 
going  to  waste,  not  in  the  next  county  or  the 
next  state,  but  right  in  every  boy's  own  town. 
If  he  will  get  his  grey  matter,  his  ambition  and 
his  muscles,  all  to  work  one  of  them  will  trot 
into  sight.  I — a  big,  strong  man — could  not 
make  a  living  because  I  was  dissipated  and  lazy. 
Betty — a  little  weak  woman — jumped  in  and 
did,  because  she  had  brains,  industry  and  spunk. 
I  say  now,  Mike,  as  I  said  in  the  beginning,  our 
condition  is  not  in  our  stars.  It  is  in  us. 


SOCIALISM  AND  CRIME 
TALK  EIGHTEEN 

WE  DO  not  always  read  history  straight.  We 
see  events  from  different  angles.  We  see  all  the 
faults  in  our  neighbors,  all  the  virtues  in  our- 
selves. Seeing  two  dogs  fight,  we  take  sides  with 
one  or  the  other.  Sensitive,  selfish  and  narrow, 
we  magnify  for  ourselves,  we  minify  for  others. 
That  for  which  we  condemn  our  fellows  we  con- 
done in  ourselves.  It  is  a  wry  old  world  into 
which  we  have  stumbled,  and  about  the  wriest 
things  in  it  are  our  own  little  egos.  The  quality 
of  self -adulation  and  self -commiseration  are  in- 
herent. This  will  explain  the  demand,  made  by 
the  class  conscious  Socialist  in  the  miners'  con- 
vention at  Indianapolis  last  January,  that  the 
conditions  be  so  changed  that,  instead  of  the 
property  owner  being  able  to  turn  the  police  and 
militia  guns  on  rioting  strikers,  the  strikers  be 
enabled  to  turn  them  on  the  property  owners. 
Now  that  was  not  the  right  way  to  put  it.  Con- 
ditions should  be  created  by  which  property 
would  be  protected,  and  both  sides  be  compelled, 
to  do  equal  justice  to  the  other.  Had  I  been 
president  of  the  United  States  during  the  Debs 
railroad  strike  at  Chicago,  I  would  have  seen 

332 


THE    UNDER   PUP  333 

that  the  property  of  the  roads  was  amply  pro- 
tected. I  would  then  have  seen  that  the  roads 
carried  the  mails  in  the  mail  cars  (the  cars  con- 
structed for  that  purpose)  or  put  every  one  of 
them  into  the  hands  of  a  receiver,  till  such  time 
as  their  owners  and  their  employees  could  come 
to  an  equitable  and  satisfactory  agreement  as 
to  wages  and  time. 

During  the  past  few  years  there  has  been  an 
incessant  war  carried  on  between  the  "closed" 
and  the  "open"  shop — between  the  men  who  in- 
sist that  hungry  men  shall  not  be  allowed  to  earn 
a  living  until  they  join  a  union  and  contribute 
each  month,  or  year,  to  the  support  of  walking 
delegates  and  high-salaried  officials,  and  the  in- 
dependent employers  and  wage  earners,  who  in- 
sist on  the  open  shop — a  shop  in  which  the  work- 
ers shall  have  an  equal  chance  on  the  basis  of 
industry  and  merit  alone. 

Dynamiting  outrages  and  cold-blooded  mur- 
der soon  began  all  over  the  country.  Vast  prop- 
erty holdings  were  wrecked,  innocent  lives  were 
destroyed.  Wherever  non-union  labor  was  em- 
ployed there  was  constant  danger  of  attack  and 
destruction.  Then  came  the  horror  of  horrors — 
the  destruction  of  the  Los  Angeles  Times  build- 
ing, and  the  accompanying  murder  of  twenty-one 
innocent  men.  This  dastardly  and  cowardly  deed, 


334  THE    UNDER   PUP 

sent  a  thrill  of  horror  throughout  the  civilized 
world,  and  the  friends  of  law  and  order  decided 
to  bring  the  diabolical  and  villainous  work  to 
an  end,  no  difference  where  the  blame  should  fall. 

General  Otis,  proprietor  of  the  Times,  had 
run  an  "open  shop,"  and  fought  Socialism  and  the 
growing  labor  trust,  with  all  the  great  ability  of 
a  fertile  mind  and  the  immense  power  of  abun- 
dant means.  He,  at  once,  charged  the  death  of 
his  employees  and  the  destruction  of  his  prop- 
erty, to  the  venom  and  diabolism  of  union  labor. 
Union  labor  and  Socialism  came  back  with  the 
countercharge  that  the  explosion  was  the  act  of 
General  Otis  himself,  through  connivance  with 
some  one  else,  in  a  conspiracy  to  discredit  and 
destroy  union  labor. 

In  the  meantime  William  J.  Burns,  the  Chi- 
cago detective,  who  had  the  reputation  of  always 
getting  the  game  and  of  never  making  a  false 
arrest,  was  employed  to  unearth  the  guilty. 
Looking  the  ground  over  he  decided  that  all  the 
dynamiting  outrages  had  been  perpetrated  on  one 
class  of  industry  only — that  of  the  "open  shop" 
— and  could  be  traced  to  one  source — that  it  was 
an  organized  and  systematic  conspiracy  on  the 
part  of  union  labor  to  terrorize  the  "open  shop" 
and  drive  them  into  the  "labor  trust" — that 
neither  property  rights,  the  sacredness  of 


THE    UNDER   PUP  335 

human  life,  nor  the  fear  of  God  deterred  them  in 
their  nefarious  work.  With  infinite  patience  and 
consummate  skill  days,  weeks,  months,  he  fol- 
lowed clew  after  clew  and  finally  landed  at  the 
door  of  the  McNamara  brothers  in  Indianapolis, 
one  of  whom  was  the  secretary  and  treasurer  of 
the  Structural  Bridge  Workers  Union.  He  had 
them  "dead  to  rights"  and  knew  it.  The  evi- 
dence was  conclusive,  not  a  link  in  the  chain 
missing.  Then  followed  their  arrest  and  with 
them,  as  co-worker,  one  Ortie  McManigal. 
Making  the  evidence  more  conclusive  McMani- 
gal weakened  and  confessed  in  full. 

What  was  the  evidence?    First:    That  the  in- 
ternational union  contributed  to  John  J.  Mc- 
Namara $1,000  per  month — $12,000  per  year— 
a  sum  for  which  there  was  no  required  accounting 
to  any  man  on  earth. 

Second :  Incriminating  evidence  of  unmistak- 
able character,  was  found  in  and  about  John  J. 
McNamara's  office. 

Third :  Evidence  was  unearthed  to  show  that 
the  McNamaras  had  been  for  years,  engaged  in 
the  vocation  of  blowing  up  "open  shop"  prop- 
erty, and  in  connection  with  others  conspiring 
and  preparing  plans  for  the  most  atrocious  and 
cold-blooded  villainies  in  civilized  history.  All 
this  was  known  and  it  should  have  had  weight 
with  all  men  of  reason. 


336  THE    UNDER    PUP 

Socialism  was  not  directly  involved  thus  far, 
but  it  could  not  wait.  It  must  show  its  dirty 
hand.  Socialist  papers,  edited  by  long-haired, 
wild-eyed,  crack-brained,  class  conscious,  blatant 
demagogues,  whose  chief  profession  is  breathing 
dynamite  against  "capitalism,"  but  whose  cow- 
ardly fingers  never  handle  it,  shut  their  eyes  to 
the  nature  of  the  evidence  secured,  closed  their 
minds  to  reason  and  prudence — if  they  ever  had 
any — and  waded  in  up  to  their  chins.  Eugene 
V.  Debs,  twice  Socialist  candidate  for  president, 
and  one  Wayland,  editor  of  The  Appeal  to  Rea- 
son, were  about  the  most  gassy  and  libelous  of 
the  entire  lot.  To  them  Burns  and  Otis  were 
co-conspirators  in  the  plot  to  down  the  unions 
directly  and  all  "wage  slaves"  incidentally.  The 
McNamaras  were  a  pair  of  kidnaped  martyrs 
to  be  offered  on  the  altar  of  injustice,  to  appease 
the  ghoulish  vengeance  of  capitalism.  Ortie 
McManigal  was  the  tool  of  capitalism,  and  the 
diabolical  kingpin,  of  the  prize  brood  of  monu- 
mental liars  and  character  assassinators.  The 
public  press  was  subsidized  by  capital  against 
labor  and  would  falsely  color  the  news.  Social- 
ist papers  and  especially,  The  Appeal  to  Reason, 
would  give  the  truth  and  give  it  correct.  That 
was  the  only  place  you  could  get  the  full,  un- 
colored  report.  Everybody  and  especially  the 


THE   UNDER   PUP  337 

poor,  downtrodden  "proletariat"  should  send 
in,  each  one  dime,  and  get  every  issue  of  the 
Appeal  during  the  trial.  The  greatest  conflict 
between  that  blighting  monster,  capitalism,  and 
the  "wage  slaves"  was  now  on,  and  the  Appeal 
was  eternally  and  everlastingly  on  the  side  of 
the  weak  and  the  oppressed.  And  how  the  hon- 
est, super-excited  sons  of  credulity  did  send  in 
their  dimes,  to  the  enlargement  of  the  circulation 
of  the  Appeal  and  the  incidental  enrichment  of 
the  editor.  And  how  he  did  draw  on  his  imagina- 
tion, how  he  did  reason  with  his  gall  duct,  and 
how  he  did  berate  Burns,  Otis  and  capitalism,  see 
gigantic  capitalistic  spooks,  lie,  to  work  on  the 
prejudices,  excite  and  mislead  simple,  honest, 
ignorant  men.  It  was  a  wonderful  harvest  of 
dimes  for  Socialist  papers  and  of  Socialist  ex- 
aggerations. 

From  early  morn  till  late  at  night  the  Social- 
istic element,  in  and  out  of  the  ranks  of  union 
labor,  pleaded  the  criminal  conspiracy  of  capital 
and  the  ultra  innocence  of  the  McNamaras.  La- 
bor must  go  down  deep  into  its  pocket  and  raise 
an  immense  defense  fund — hundreds  of  thou- 
sands if  necessary — and  the  honest,  misinformed, 
misled,  deceived  masses  of  Socialism  and  labor 
came  across.  They  poured  into  the  defense 
treasury  over  $200,000  in  cold  cash.  I  wonder 

22 


338  THE    UNDER   PUP 

how  much  of  that  sum  came  out  of  the  private 
purse  of  Eugene  Debs  and  Editor  Wayland 
and  the  wind- jamming  coterie  of  Socialistic  pen- 
cil shovers.  I'd  like  to  see  the  full  amount  of 
their  gift  properly  credited,  specially  that  of 
Wayland  and  Debs.  The  Appeal  to  Reason 
unearthed  a  mare's  nest  of  huge  proportions. 
Its  prize  find  was  George  Shoaf,  a  Socialist 
Sherlock  Holmes,  who  had  the  absolute  evidence 
that  Otis  planted  the  dynamite  himself  to  blow 
up  the  Times  building.  Shoaf  was  to  come  for- 
ward at  the  right  time  and  furnish  the  proof.  But 
he  lied  about  it,  and  Wayland  is  dumb.  The  trial 
began.  Clarence  Darrow  did  his  level  best. 
Weeks  before  the  end  came  he  saw  absolute 
futility  in  the  effort  to  clear  the  McNamaras. 
The  testimony  against  them  was  complete  and 
invulnerable.  The  McNamaras  themselves  told 
him  of  their  guilt.  At  the  very  last,  money  from 
the  fund,  contributed  for  an  honest  defense,  was 
seen  paid  over,  on  the  streets  of  Los  Angeles, 
to  a  juror  as  a  bribe  to  vote  J.  B.  McNamara 
innocent  though  the  evidence  should  prove  him 
as  guilty  as  Judas.  Then  the  climax.  Darrow 
begged  for  mercy.  A  compromise  was  made 
with  the  state.  The  McNamaras  pleaded  guilty 
— J.  B.  to  blowing  up  the  Times  building  and 
John  J.  to  another  outrage.  They  saved  their 


THE    UNDER   PUP  339 

villainous  necks,  and  likely  a  lot  of  murdering 
varmints  higher  up. 

From  that  day  to  this  the  Socialist  press  has 
not  offered  a  single  word  of  apology  for  its  lying, 
misleading,  treasonable  and  denunciatory  course 
in  the  premises.  It  exerted  its  strength  to  the 
utmost  to  condone  the  McNamara  crime,  by  un- 
ceasing, insane,  unreasonable,  superheated  at- 
tacks on  Burns,  on  Otis,  on  "capitalism,"  on 
every  phase  of  the  prosecution. 

It  has  made  no  apology  to  the  honest  men  it 
deceived  and  gulled.  It  has  no  amende  honorable 
for  the  men  it  abused  and  maligned.  It  is  as 
conscienceless  now  as  it  was  blind,  partisan  and 
vitriolic,  before  the  trial  began.  There  are  a  few 
things  that  the  honest,  fair-minded,  every-day 
citizen  of  this  great  country  should  constantly 
remember. 

Remember  that  Socialism  as  a  political  organ- 
ization was  no  more  concerned  in  the  McNamara 
case  than  were  the  republican  and  democratic 
parties,  yet  it  jumped  into  the  game  with  both 
feet,  threw  decency  to  the  winds  and  that  too 
without  invitation,  rhyme  or  reason;  stirred  up 
bad  blood,  deceived  a  lot  of  honest  men  and  went 
widely  out  of  its  way  to  make  a  consummate  ass 
of  itself.  The  end  has  been  that  its  illogical, 
jump-at-conclusions,  imprudent,  superheated, 


340  THE    UNDER   PUP 

treasonable  nature,  has  been  revealed  to  its  ever- 
lasting disgrace.  It  is  an  excitable,  revolution- 
ary cult  at  best.  Its  guiding  spirit  is  ungoverned 
impulse  and  blind  prejudice,  not  reason  and 
prudence.  It  moves  by  passion,  not  from  the 
standpoint  of  judgment.  Its  very  ego  is  against 
justice,  law  and  order.  In  every  instance  it  has 
been  in  sympathy,  openly  and  above  board,  with 
the  criminal  in  court  the  world  over — not  with 
the  government  and  the  cause  of  justice. 

When  the  McNamaras  confessed,  The  Ap- 
peal to  Reason,  which  had  been  so  chestily  de- 
fending them,  instead  of  rejoicing  that  justice 
had  hit  the  right  spot,  fell  back  in  its  chair  in 
disappointed  chagrin  and  gasped,  "It  is  a  jolt." 
And  it  sure  was. 

Carl  Marx  and  Ernest  Engles  started  out  in 
the  "Manifesto"  by  encouraging  "violent  revo- 
lution." Bebel  in  Germany  sang  the  same  song. 
Socialist  writers  and  Socialist  propagandist— 
when  there  has  been  the  least  excuse — have 
joined  in  the  chorus.  Victor  L.  Berger,  the 
Wisconsin  editor,  urged,  editorially,  that  all 
Socialists  in  this  country  should  secure  guns  and 
ammunition  and  be  prepared  to  back  their 
ballots  with  their  bullets.  When  there  has  been 
any  great  criminal  before  the  courts  in  this  or 
any  other  country,  as  in  the  case  of  the  McNa- 


THE    UNDER   PUP  341 

maras,  class  conscious  Socialists,  to  the  man, 
have  been  for  the  culprit  and  against  the  govern- 
ment. Honest  voters  have  been  misled  so  often, 
by  Socialist  leaders,  that  every  succeeding  time 
we  look  for  a  revolt.  But,  by  some  lying,  sophis- 
tical excuse,  they  have  been  able  to  quiet  their 
dupes  in  the  past.  This  time  there  is  no  excuse. 
,The  fact  of  guilt  is  too  complete.  There  is  no 
explanation,  no  sophistry  to  fit. 

Their  charges  against  capitalism  were,  this 
time  as  ever,  the  insane  and  idiotic  imaginings  of 
class  conscious  envy  and  hatred.  It  had  gone 
far  enough.  Criminal  union  labor  and  Socialism, 
were  crawling  up  where  widespread  conspiracy 
to  destroy  and  kill,  tear  down  and  lay  waste,  was 
possible;  where  independent  men  could  be 
driven,  terrorized  or  completely  ruined.  God 
Almighty  himself  intervened.  He  saw  to  it  that 
in  the  midst  of  crime  breeding  and  wanton  mur- 
der, in  the  midst  of  conscious  boastings  and 
strength,  in  the  midst  of  class  hate  and  secret 
midnight  plottings,  in  the  hour  of  loud  boasting 
and  seditious  mouthings,  in  the  midst  of  active 
efforts  at  jury  bribing  and  false  charges — the 
indisputable  confession  of  guilt  should  be  wrung 
from  the  lips  of  the  deep-dyed,  soul-stained 
criminals  themselves.  The  eyes  of  the  deceived 
and  misled  rank  and  file  are  now  opened  to 


342  THE    UNDER   PUP 

the  perfidy,  the  dishonesty,  the  disloyalty,  the 
villainy  of  self -assumed  and  self-seeking  leaders, 
whose  god  is  their  belly  and  whose  ideal  is  un- 
trammeled  license. 

Honest  men,  drop  it.  You  have  been  lied  to 
and  deceived,  and  now  you  know  it.  When  the 
lies  have  been  exposed  your  leaders  stand  dumb, 
but  unrepentant.  "Capitalism"  let  the  McNa- 
mara's  off  easy.  It,  according  to  Socialism, 
won  hands  down.  Do  you  see  it,  enslaving  wage 
earners,  or  setting  harder  lines  now  than  be- 
fore? True,  it  is  still  after  the  rest  of  the 
blood-letting,  property-destroying,  "open  shop" 
persecuting,  "scab"  starving  conspirators.  Don't 
you  hope,  reader,  that  they  will  be  caught, 
brought  to  justice,  and  the  reign  of  terror 
brought  to  a  close  in  this  fair  land  of  ours?  I 
believe  that  you  are  honest  and  that  you  do. 
There  is  nothing  in  Socialism  for  a  man  of 
patriotism,  of  brains  and  ambition.  Its  press  is 
unreliable  and  misleading.  It  talks  of  Utopia, 
but  condones  with  crime.  It  tells  you  that  you 
are  down  and  cannot  get  up  when  you  should 
know  it  lies  like  a  gambler.  Others  are  climbing 
and  so  can  you.  In  this  country  one  man  is  as 
good  as  another.  To  imagine  you  are  down, 
cannot  get  up,  and  have  no  chance  is  despair.  It 
spells  defeat.  That  is  the  gospel  of  Socialism. 


THE    UNDER   PUP  343 

Democracy,  republicanism  is  the  gospel  of 
equality,  the  beacon  of  hope.  There  are  inequali- 
ties. They  can  be  righted.  Extended  democ- 
racy under  our  constitution  will  do  it.  You  can 
help.  Think  as  a  man,  hope  as  a  man,  talk  as  a 
man,  be  a  man.  Hold  your  head  up.  Feel  as 
good  as  anybody.  Take  your  place  in  the  world 
as  one  of  the  men  who  do  things.  See,  then  how 
manly  and  free  and  like  some  real,  useful,  big 
somebody  you  will  feel.  There  is  a  bigger  place 
in  the  world  for  you  than  standing  around  lis- 
tening to  the  brimstone  yawp  of  some  Socialist 
yap  about  the  meanness  of  capitalism,  and  the 
low-down  stick-in-the-mud  he  tries  to  make  you 
think  you  are.  No  siree,  the  gospel  of  Social- 
ism is  not  for  you.  All  it  has  ever  done  is  to 
insist  that  you  are  nobody  and  never  will  be.  It 
has  lied  to  you,  deceived  you  and  almost 
pounded  common,  manly,  human  ambition  out 
of  you,  and  every  time  you  met  it  it  wanted  a 
dime  or  a  quarter.  Go  home,  partner,  open  the 
door,  play  with  the  kiddies  on  the  floor,  kiss  the 
good  wife,  tell  her  you  are  not  a  slave,  but  a  free 
man,  living  in  a  free  country,  under  a  free  flag, 
and  one  of  these  days  by  sturdy  honesty,  indus- 
try and  good  fellowship,  you  are  going  to  be  one 
of  the  biggest  men  in  town. 

Do  it,  and  then  dump  this  feeling  of  pro- 


344  THE    UNDER   PUP 

letariat,  of  wage  slave,  of  a  low-down  nothing. 
Get  out  from  under  the  gloom  and  nightmare  of 
Socialism,  and  you  are  a,  new  man,  standing  out- 
side of  the  gloom  of  despair  in  the  sunshine  of 
hope  and  promise.  You  sure  are. 

BILL. 


AFTERWORD 

I  HAVE  said  again  and  again,  in  these  talks, 
that  Socialism  makes  a  special  and  peculiar 
appeal  to  the  criminal  class — to  the  dynamiter 
and  midnight  assassin.  That  its  sympathy,  open 
and  above  board,  is  with  the  men  who  trample 
law  and  order  under  foot  to  carry  out  selfish 
ends — to  further  personal  and  class  interests. 

When  William  D.  Heywood  was  on  trial  in 
the  Idaho  courts,  charged  with  complicity  in  the 
assassination  of  Governor  Steunenberg,  and 
other  criminal  outrages  in  the  labor  world  of 
the  West,  the  Socialists,  in  defi  of  the  govern- 
ment and  courts,  nominated  him  for  governor 
of  Colorado.  They  made  a  vigorous  campaign 
in  the  interest  of  his  candidacy,  appealing  di- 
rectly to  the  enemies  of  legal  procedure.  Eugene 
V.  Debs  was  personally  on  the  stump  in  his  be- 
half, making  such  appeals  as  only  a  class  con- 
scious, rattle-brained  revolutionist  can  make. 
Heywood  polled  the  entire  Socialist  vote  of  the 
state — and  then  some. 

Recently  The  Appeal  to  Reason  has  been 
taking  a  straw  vote  among  Socialists  as  to  presi- 
dential preferences  for  the  campaign  of  1912. 
The  result  when  last  heard  from  stood :  Eugene 

345 


346  THE    UNDER   PUP 

V.  Debs  65,928,  John  J.  McNamara  54,726, 
Sam  Gompers  48,225,  W.  D.  Heywood  41,109. 
John  J.  McNamara,  the  self-confessed  dyna- 
miter, serving  a  fourteen-year  sentence  in  the 
California  penitentiary,  stands  second  in  the  list. 
Under  the  circumstances  this  vote  is  incontro- 
vertibly  indicative  of  the  law-defying,  criminal- 
sympathizing  character  of  a  very  large  element 
of  the  Socialist  party. 

Now  this  is  not  recorded  with  any  hope  of 
swaying  the  class  conscious  runt.  What  he  needs 
is  brains  and  patriotic  regeneration.  It  is  in- 
tended for  the  men  of  honest  purpose,  patriotic 
convictions,  lovers  of  civic  purity,  who  might  be 
led  into  the  Socialist  menagerie,  as  a  protest 
against  the  misrule  of  old  party  professional 
politicians  who,  after  having  been  elected  to  office 
betray  their  trust.  Don't  do  it,  fellows.  It 
would  be  like  jumping  out  of  the  river  into  a 
stream  of  molten  lava.  No,  comrade,  John  J. 
McNamara  is  not  "a  martyr  like  the  Boston  tea 
spillers."  The  Boston  tea  party  was  a  protest, 
by  patriots  against  tyranny  and  unjust  taxation. 
John  J.  McNamara  was  a  plotter  of  outrage, 
of  midnight  murder,  against  honest,  hard-work- 
ing men,  who  insisted  on  the  right  to  earn  an 
honest  living  without  a  collar  around  their  necks, 
which  forced  them  to  pay  dues  to  a  lot  of  walking 


THE    UNDER   PUP  347 

delegates  and  high-salaried  trust  officials,  who 
plot  dynamite  and  breathe  destruction.  He  is 
not  suffering  martyrdom.  He  is  paying  the  just 
penalty  for  crime  against  honest,  legitimate  in- 
dustry and  unfettered,  free  American  labor. 

Unions  are  all  right  when  formed  to  advance 
the  interests  of  labor  on  just  lines,  but  when  it 
yells  "scab"  at  industrious  American  working 
men  earning  an  honest  living,  grabs  dynamite 
and  spreads  death  and  destruction,  it  is  villain- 
ous, diabolical  and  inhuman.  If  my  dog  Mike, 
on  hearing  some  class  conscious,  murder-loving 
yap,  speak  of  McNamara  as  a  martyr  and  com- 
parable with  the  Boston  tea  spillers,  would  not 
bite  him  in  the  leg  and  run  him  off  the  place, 
I'd  kick  him  out  of  the  house  and  disown  him, 
as  a  degenerate  even  among  common  curs. 

Also  there  is  the  announced  fact  that  Socialism 
has  been  routed,  foot,  horse  and  dragoons,  from 
the  official  control  of  the  city  of  Milwaukee. 
When  the  American  flag  was  unfurled  in  a 
republican-democratic  rally  in  the  city  cam- 
paign, press  reports  say  Socialists  tried  to  break 
up  the  meeting  by  walking  out;  and  also  that 
a  Socialist  spell-binder  publicly  declared  that 
Lincoln  and  Jefferson  were  not  patriots.  That 
settled  their  hash  in  Milwaukee.  It  is  once  more 
an  American  city  by  over  13,000  majority.  I  tell 


348  THE    UNDER   PUP 

you,  Mr.  Reader,  as  I  told  Mike  early  in  the 
game,  that  one  trial  is  all  Socialism  needs  in  any 
city,  to  break  its  incompetent,  disorganizing, 
revolutionary,  unconstitutional  neck. 

There  is  no  question  about  the  un-American, 
irreligious,  free  love  nature  of  the  cult.  Its 
appeal  to  class  spirit  is  enough  to  damn  it  in  any 
American  community.  And  now,  with  its  oppo- 
sition to  the  stars  and  stripes  cropping  out 
wherever  its  votaries  imagine  they  have  sufficient 
strength  to  show  their  colors,  as  in  Los  Angeles 
and  Milwaukee,  together  with  its  uniform  de- 
fense of  criminals  such  as  the  McNamaras,  and  a 
voluminous  expressed  preference  for  John  J. 
McNamara  for  president  of  these  United  States 
by  its  class  conscious  crowd,  should  fix  its  status 
in  your  mind — and  that  should  be  such  as  to 
arouse  your  everlasting  contempt.  The  honest 
man  who  has  been  misled,  the  half  Socialist  who 
is  just  being  misled  and  the  great  body  of 
Americans  who  are  honest,  industrious  and 
patriotic  should  do  just  one  thing  to  this  for- 
eign, revolutionary,  incompetent,  disloyal  cult 
every  time  they  have  a  chance — "jab  it  in  the 
slats" — and  jab  it  hard. 

BILL. 


DATE  DUE 


OAVLORD 


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